Added: 4 years ago
From: deadzoner
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  • It's less a joke and more a story or anecdote.

  • I really dont get that joke...

  • @prawnbutters Yeah you do, it's just not funny.

  • in john gielguds case, was more likely ti have been a man

  • I thought the joke was like, how you pause for a moment before you come. And the actor paused, and came all over an audience member who was holding an umbrella. Then I thought "why would anyone have an umbrella?"

    Then I got it.

  • This is from QI Season 1 episode 12 and it is 20 minutes and 40 seconds into ot :)

    I've just watched it lol

    QI 112-20:40

  • why does he sound so much like Stew griffin?

  • why does he sound so much like stewie griffin?

  • @MrFabianGhosty He doesn't sounds anything like Stewie Griffin. :\

  • The one thing I love about being English is unashamedly taking the high-horse with complete humour snobbery. Most of the joke's hilarity is in the build up, timing and context. I mean.. it was in a theatre! :O

  • @cjmkael John Sessions is, of course, Scottish . . . ;o)

  • that was shit

  • Umbrella?! Why!?! XD

  • Im really not trying to be thick or anything, but i honestly dont get it. Maybe its because im american haha XD

    could someone please explain?

  • @joellynmorgan "Come" can also mean ejaculate. So in the silence he heard someone tell their companion off for ejaculating all over their umbrella.

  • @MrHeslopian that would mess up a performance for sure!

  • @joellynmorgan what are u talking about? this shouldnt be hard to understand for us americans because cum is a common word used as ejaculate.

  • Its one of those jokes that doesnt kick in for a few seconds but then is side-splittingly funny.

  • Part of the joke is ofcourse that Gielgud was famous for his gaffes, and that he was held in very high esteem in British theatre. So here the great Sir John Gielgud offers advice to a young actor, and it turns out to be not exactly the kind of wisdom one would expect, but rather another Gielgud Gaffe. If you don't know who Gielgud is, half the fun is gone.

  • @mabuse1976 Thank you Captain Obvious

  • @TaffTalk Not really that obvious. I'm afraid I don't know who Gielgud is.

  • I don't get it

  • Come on guys, let's not be racist. People are just brought up with different senses of humour, that's all.

  • rape the replay button

  • not really a 'joke' joke, just a funny story

  • I was eating chocolate and just choked from laughing.

  • I wonder how many people that 'don't get it' are American.

  • @SqueekyStallion1 At least 17

  • @SqueekyStallion1 I wonder how many non-Americans have an entitlement issue. I can spot one!

  • @SisterSkift As non-American, and non-British for that matter, am I entitled?

  • @superkenalmighty Depends, I see Americans with entitlement issues but I also see non-Americans with entitlement issues because they're not Americans @.@ So I suppose if you think you're better than [insert country/person/whatever here] then yeah, but otherwise, shine onnnn~

  • @SisterSkift I just don't understand what 'entitlement issues' has to do with somebody insulting someone else's nationality. =/ It's not an 'entitlement issue' so much as it is simply being insulting. A person doesn't need to think they're better to tell somebody they're crap; there's plenty of jerk-asses in the world that have low self-esteem.

  • @superkenalmighty Normally I notice a sort of "better than [insert country here]" when I see it. Sometimes it's the opposite of low self-esteem, and complete narcissism. The original comment I was talking about was Americans not getting the joke, therefore I'm assuming that they believe Americans are idiots. It was an assumption and I'm mostly joking around, no need to turn it into a debate.

  • @alunrichardson you've just "come" as in ejaculated... so the moral of the story is don't pause, cuz you'll never be able to start again after hearing that!!

  • Okay that's enough! I promise not to do that anymore...lol. I thought it was quite funny - but obviously there are some ery touchy Session's fans on here.

    Fair wnough - I take my humour elsewhere.

    Adios Session lovers.

    Wck

  • shit... I didnt get it... I feel so retarded

  • @Hutcarlingos The Joke is "Never Pause on stage because you'll hear strange things coming from the audience, in this case, a Woman telling a man off for ejaculating semen over her Umbrella"

  • @DaibloDBZ2010 Haha thank you for explaining that!

  • @DaibloDBZ2010 how did you deduce it's a women saying that to a man?

  • @MusicStudyMan

    Easy, its much more like likely that a woman would walk with an umbrella...

  • @DaibloDBZ2010 Actually you don't know if it's a man or woman that says it :P

  • @DaibloDBZ2010 You're wrong he doesn't say man or woman.

  • Beautiful and Flawless. :L

  • @weirdcitykid -1 for spelling

  • @weirdcitykid -10000000 for lies

  • @zDSpider no not british humour, just the humour of one guy-that-noone-is-entirely-sur­e-what-he-is-famous-for...

  • meh. thumbs down

  • all you haters clearly haven't watched Stella Street. WATCH IT!!! haha then you will think twice about badmouthing JS!

  • So, bottom line is, if you pause too long, the audience will find "other" ways to amuse themselves.

  • @Namaechan how long was he bloody pausing for then? either that or there was a massive pervert there.

  • @weirdcitykid

    ...Were you raped by John Sessions or something? Christ, calm down

  • @weirdcitykid sorry, i know you posted this a long long time ago. But. I 'listen' to what you say and go WTF???

    hmmmm..

  • To anyone who says thinks this is an anecdote rather than a joke (and I agree with them) the very first thing John Sessions says is "[can I] tell my, erm, pausing joke?"

  • what does that even mean

  • John Sessions is a smug man.

  • Thats not a joke, thats just an anedote!

  • oh.... dear.....

  • I really had to stop and sort out what it meant, but what I originally was laughing at was John's voices. Oh my lord the man is a genius.

    Once I sorted out what it meant I laughed even harder.

  • i thought that that was Rory Bremner??

  • hahaha, thats brilliant, qi is top quality

  • Lol

  • Fantastic, QI is awesome.

  • (Blinks) Sorry, I don't get it XD

  • By pausing, he overheard someone in the audience exclaim that someone had just cum on their umbrella. Meaning they were masturbating during the production. Lesson: Never pause.

  • i spy a 12-year-old

  • ...I'm 16 years old...

  • then you must just be a MASSIVE moron

  • Nope! I just don't think John Sessions is all that funny. :)

    Bye!

  • @Clarestovold I'm 15 and I get it...

  • In all honesty, I really don't care.

    Anyway, I do understand that joke and really, I don't find it all that funny.

  • @Clarestovold If you do not care then why bother commenting in the first place, and if you do get it then why say you did not in the first place.

  • I don't know, just wanted to tell you that I didn't care how old you were because it didn't mean anything, that's all. Also, I didn't understand what he said at first because he said it too quickly and I couldn't be bothered to listen closer to what he said, therefore I didn't laugh, therefore I asked NICELY if anyone could explain it then someone did. Then I understood it but some idiot said I was a moron, and I'm blatantly not. Okay? I understand it now though... okay?

  • @Clarestovold fair enough at least you didn't break into a hissy fit like mos tubers.

  • Thanks, yes, I was trying not to sound all hissy cause I don't like doing that, it starts meaningless youtube fights and waste time and make people upset, so, glad this is all sorted now :)

  • lol, sorry to be the one to bring this back up again but... i don't get it.

  • could u explain it to me englishempire ??

  • It just means some man in the audience wanked on an umbrella and he paused and so he heard it.

  • @Weeble68 It came before the American Empire....

  • Lol. noo, Englishempire is just the guys youtube name. I meant "Englishempire" could you explain it to me.

  • Fucking hell.

    The actor stops talking and in the silence hears a woman in the audience tell a man off for masturbating and ejaculating semen on her umbrella.

    Now get over it.

  • yeah o.k, somone else has already explained it. It's just i thought it was a "joke" and that i was somehow misunderstanding the punch line, but i wasn't cuz it was just a weird, amusing story.

  • @Weeble68 I know why you're confused though. You expect some kind of ironic or witty punchline, and there isnt one. Thats sort of the joke I guess.

  • Thats so...Thats so Gielgud!

  • John Sessions is the best, I love his Alan Rickman impression.

  • On the subject of people changing: Ringo Starr!

    But ofcourse, who could beat Michael Jackson?

  • Ok I like John but not this joke but people please this is just an opinion.

  • John Sessions used to have these rugged good looks...I always think it's funny how people turn out, in the end.

  • nice user name. one thing thats funny, is i think hugh laurie, thoguh hes still young mind you, looks better now than he did before (at least while watching House M.D.) that beard does his wonders

  • check out tony slattery.. hes changed quite a lot too

  • Didn't George Orwell say something about every man having the face they deserve by the time they turn 50?

  • Yes indeedy - "At 50, every man has the face he deserves".

  • Surely, one who suffers a stressful life will look unpleasantly older by the time they're 50, whether the stress was they're fault or not?

  • its also wonderful and depressing, depressing coz you can put together side by side clips of them 20 years ago and now and see how wonderful and energetic they were before AND its depressing coz you see people age and death is inevitable...

  • I'm in love with you.

  • im in love with me to =)

  • "OHHH you hideous beast, you've just cum all over my umbrella!"

  • It has taken me atleast 5 minutes to stand up properly and address my keyboard effectively.

    I want to say 'thank you' for one of the most painful giggles I've ever had the pleasure to endure.

  • @naganokumas Cringe.

  • emmmmmm i know this sounds stupid but i don't get the joke

    can someone explain

  • there's no real joke, its just a hilarious thing to hear in a theatre...and from the silver tongue of Sir John Gielgud none the less

  • you will never get laid i think

  • Two people were getting up to some sexual acts in the audience. The guy paused and heard them.

    Hope that helps.

  • So very funny. Please don't spoil it by deliberately misunderstanding the intention behind it.

    This is humor at it's best. Sessions is a very amusing man by the way, much too amusing to be reading the news.

  • @chichitoo100 Thx, loved the news reading joke. Love that sly kind of humour.

  • I like TAA's quote on it. "You swear too much" "Fuck you!"

  • This may well be the best anecdote ever told.

  • i don't realy get it ... : (

  • It's not really a joke as such, just a really hilarious and unexpected thing for someone to hear blurted out in the middle of a play, especially when told in such an upper-crust accent.

  • "that's very odd"

  • LOL

  • That was absolutely brilliant!

  • brilliant

  • gosh, and I thought the lady in the front role who decided to be my inner monologue was distracting! lol ...ah audiences ;p

    I love Johnny Sessions so much ^_^

    I love this j

  • hahaha does it reflect on the play that someone was wanking in the theatre?

  • Well if Kelly Brook in the play 'Eye Contact' was anything to go by then I can see how it could happen.

  • Brilliant clip

  • Oh, commenters...

  • what i don't get is how people don't get it

  • i dont get why you dont why they dont get it

  • Sorry, comments shouldn't be in quotation marks.

  • By the way, can you kind fellows who thumb down "I don't get it comments" please fuck off and kill yourselves? If somebody doesn't get a joke, it doesn't mean they should be chastised for it, it means they want to know more about the fucking joke, because they haven't understood it! Watch me get thumbed down now.

  • Maybe you'll get thumbed down for the fact that you want people to lay off those who don't get the joke, but then urge said people to kill themselves, whilst using swear words as some form of pathetic defense. You're hardly endearing yourself, and at the same time projecting yourself as a complete moron.

  • I don't actually urge people to kill themselves. "Fuck off and die" is just internet speak and essentially means "ah shut up". I don't use swear words as a defense.

    I'm not attacking you either, I'm just saying. I think yours was a good reply.

  • Thank you for saying, and sorry to blow your point out of proportion. It's rare to have a discussion where the other person makes a point you might not agree with that doesn't end in personal attacks and ill-witted abuse so thanks for bucking the trend, a refreshing change! Hope you are well!

  • I agree, SimonWhovian. It's a nice change to see escalating patterns of aggressive abuse dissipated in these comment threads. But it's not unique.

    It's good to spread a little peace and, to quote Desiderata, to 'go placidly amid the noise...' and 'as far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons'

  • I realise that 'fuck off and kill yourselves' is common but the trend of chucking around abusive language for a perceived crime in comments is still sad, no matter how normal it now is.

    The boring old farts were right when they told us foul-mouthed teens that it only makes one look ignorant and defensive.

    Like animals posturing and threatening, or road rage, it doesn't make for civilised, peaceful solutions.

    I do agree with you that those saying they don't get it should not be condemned.

  • You're absolutely right (no sarcasm). I just think it's a shame that you can be chastised for not understanding a joke.

  • Well said. I'm sick of seeing such nasty comments in response to polite questions or confusion, with nasty language with it. Also the random insults at various users for their videos just because they don't like the actor etc.

  • iv no idea what comment this is refering to but -

    "The boring old farts were right when they told us foul-mouthed teens that it only makes one look ignorant and defensive."

    is an abosultely disgusting comment, i get the whole thing where some igit come's along and says some insult where he uses a "bad" word.

    you wanna know what's truly ignorant and defensive is the notion that your some how more civilized merely because u dont use these words. true a zoo monkey is probably more civil->

  • hURRAY FOR HOMOPHOBIC AND MORONIC TEENS, WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT YOU!

  • I don't know why he had is umbrella open in a theater, but I'm glad he did.

  • Why do people here keep assuming that the umbrella was open? Of course it wasn't.

    You'd either put it under your seat or hold it or lean it up against your seat edge/knee or something.

    He could just as easily have said "... all over my coat/shoes/trouser leg..." or something.

  • Gielgud - miss him dearly.

  • lolza 2 da max

  • Love this, it gets into my head at the wierdest times and I have to bite my tongue to avoid repeating it out loud!

  • you should never pause because you might here something disgusting happening

  • I think the joke is simply that you should never stop speaking on stage because you don't want to know what the audience is up to. It's partly funny b/c there is no pun involved ... kind of a non-sequitor. Also funny imagining Sir. John Gielgud relating this story to a young actor.

  • omg I dont get it!!

  • i do not understand.

  • if someone had cum all over my umbrella the last thing I'd be calling him would be a "hideous beast"...

  • what would you call them?

  • probably something indeciferable but starting with "YOUFUCKBUCKET!" and then smash their heads against the row in front...

  • fuck bucket is always a good insult.

  • if not the best...

  • "you hideous beast" hahahaha ur lucky the umbrella was up

  • It might be the language barrier but I don't get it.

  • What part of the phrase 'you've just come all over my umbrella' are you struggling to get?

  • Well I was thinking there was more to it than some sexual innuendo.

  • I'm afraid not. Most stories about Sir John Gielgud tend to like that...

  • Or be like that, even, if I could type...

  • lol! btw wen was is g2 became dave

  • Well this was the first series, and the 6th series will be on this fall.... ;)

  • its delayed cause stephen fry shattered his shoulder doing something