Dan Savage on How to Maintain a Long Relationship

[flyoffdaice]

"masturbation is routine maintance" hahahaha, love that line XD

[SpearofDestiny0]

What an awesome video ! PREACH THE TRUTH BROTHA !

[MrEvanston]

Dan Savage: Bless Your Heart!!! You Are Excellent!!!!

[KeusFrench]

This guy is talking SOME bulls***. (Some!)

Sure, sex is a vital part of a relationship and it DOES keep things going in a way. But should sexuality be the main focus of a relationship? No. If you get to know someone before you have sex with them, (which is common if you get married to that person), then your relationship is based off of each others likes and dislikes. Something called 'personality'. How about just loving your partner? I think emotionally loving someone carries a relationship.

[BrigitteAbbendis]

@KeusFrench

I agree there. It's understandable that he will discuss relationships in the sexual paradigm: he's a sex columnist, sexually active and talking about stuff that was verboten until recently (at least for someone that wanted to maintain employment in a mainstream publication) even in relatively liberal countries. However I can imagine he would be much more emotionally available to his husband than Gingrich or Robertson that advocate divorce for mortal illness.

[SammyBerg]

@KeusFrench you missed his point. No one HAS to be in a long term relationship, and that relationship doesn't have to be mutually sexually exclusive. He's just saying that if it is, if that's what you want, you need to make an effort to take care of each other's needs. You can have emotional loving, caring relationships in which one or more partners engage in sexual fulfillment elsewhere, and that's okay too.

[KeusFrench]

@SammyBerg I think you missed the point ... the question was how to maintain a long relationship. And I described how to.

Are you agreeing with me then?

[MuleBlanche]

Been happily married 30 years now - he's right.

[LeftofWrong]

I. Love. This. Man.

[darrenholcomb42]

Plus it sounds like you have a rather low opinion of and negative presumption toward men in general. Perhaps men are not who you should be having relationships with. They are, after all, not your only option. But who ever you do ultimately 'give yourself too', be careful not to fall into the 'principles' trap. It's where two people with a strongly held principle get involved then married only to find later that it's their principles that got married and not really the two of them as people.

[GenerationB0RED]

@darrenholcomb42 Umm....if she is heterosexual men are indeed her only option. Plenty of heterosexuals have a certain disdain for the opposite sex. The same is true for homosexuals and the same sex. But if you're straight...you're straight.

[darrenholcomb42]

startintolovemyself-why are you even listening to advice on a subject/activity(sex) that you have no intention of having with anybody until your married? Until sex does become a part of your life the subject is a moot point and all issues surrounding it are not relevent. And if remaining a virgin till marriage is your goal and is what's right for you, I would think you'd let that be known to any potential boyfriend so he would'nt expect to be getting any in the relationship to begin with.

[startintolovemyself]

what about a person who is a virgin and is staying one till marriage. If i get a boyfriend i must have sex with him to keep him happy but go againt the promise i made to myself. That seem kinda wrong but then again Dan is a man. He might be gay but he still thinks like a man and men dont care what women want. Like always.

[Aicirt8]

@startintolovemyself That is a pretty negative opinion of men... If you think all men don't care what women want, then don't date them. But if you want, you can still date guys and stay a virgin until marriage, it is just important that you let them know your intentions as part of a healthy relationship.

[MicahSps]

@startintolovemyself Trust me, your man is getting his release by yanking it. And given that ever so opinion of men and the judgmental attitude, it ain't to you.

[LoudMouththeKid]

@startintolovemyself Then you have an obligation to make it clear to your S.O. that you intend on staying a virgin until marriage, you aren't going to change your mind, etc., etc. instead of dodging the question so they won't find out.  If he's cool with that, you're effectively taking care of his needs; if not he might leave, which isn't wrong on either side but rather a mismatch of desires. But it is wrong to try to push someone into a sexless relationship where they aren't being fufilled.

[BelledelaGroove]

we need..to come....all the time.

I love you man! haha

[alittlebitofperil]

Just tell me where these men are who acutally want to do it more than once a week.

[BaconBananaHammok]

yes

[dolan008]

Dan, There is no such thing as GAY!!  C'mon Dan when are you going to realize this? It may be too late then!!

[samslick90]

It's astonishing how little women actually understand how to make relationships work, considering all the time they talk about that stuff.

I've heard so many of them think that sex is some kind of favour or something they give their partner once in a while.

That's why prostitutes exist.

[alittlebitofperil]

@samslick90 - believe it or not samslick90 - some of us women (i know several) WANT lots of sex and with our man. Both myself and friends of mine find it hard to find men who actually want to have as much sex as we do!! high libido can be a nightmare for a woman if the man she is with is not interested. I have never seen sex as a favour -it is part of a relationship and a very VERY important part.

[CatWolfee]

@samslick90 Uh, what women do you hang around? The ones on Lifetime?

[samslick90]

@CatWolfee I've hit some duds for sure. Though now I can spot them much earlier and bail before it gets too bad. .

[overgrowthesystem420]

DAN FUCKING SAVAGE LOL

[pisanghangus]

o0o

[Ecdysiast96]

some women need to cum all the time too.

[kern0099]

I trip on women that write to him, I mean he is not saying anything that they want to hear. Seriously.

[libunon]

We need to cum, all the time...for decades. lol

[pendulousphallus]

Dan is the fucking man.

[ErichoTTA]

My favorite line: Masturbation is routine maintenance.

[surge42]

If you have kids kiss your sex life GOOD BYE

[ccm800]

@surge42 why?

[Ribavirin9]

they should make kids listen to Savage in high school instead of health class

[DanMcCaffrey]

@Ribavirin9

A-fuckin'-men. Well put

[thehartattack86]

@Ribavirin9 No high school would invite Dan Savage to come and speak about sexual health and relationship, or what it means to be gay or bullying for that matter and that's really, REALLY sad.

[brauhze]

Dan, you are a national treasure. :-)

[deliciouspk]

This guy is talking straight sense, and if anybody disagrees you probably don't realize that your spouse is already cheating on you.

[tdwon]

@deliciouspk: the talk is straight, the man is as queer as F. He also shows that honesty with yourself, and not getting wrapped up in faux romance. t

[Goneformilesnow]

Oh Dan Savage...we love your humor.

But how sad that anyone would base a relationship solely on sex, or the fear of not keeping your partner's interest. His over exaggerated view of male sexuality is unfortunately what most of society believes. Not all men are constantly looking for sexual stimulation, and some find it quite revolting when others act this way.

[DocGorilla]

@Goneformilesnow Yeah, some guys are stupid....

[mytimetravellingdog]

@Goneformilesnow you have fundamentally misunderstood what he said.

[Klaa2]

Amusing

BUT...

This in a way buys in to the assumption that what we are is primarily sexual entities. Not to minimize that idea, but a sex life isn't necessarily central to relationship. I kind of feel sorry for guys that feel like sex is their central, defining identity, and that their relationships are primarily defined on sex.

I think that true love transcends sex, and all the other things that have been pushed on us by other people externally as definitive of who and what we are.

[236color]

Well Klaa2, Are you a woman, or a man trying to relieve your guilt? The wisest statement I've heard on this subject is "How important is sex in marriage? If the sex is good, not too important, if the sex is bad, VERY, VERY important"

This whine from women that "all men think about is sex" is largely because men don't get sex nearly as often as they need.

Too often the woman realizes that sex is currency and if she gives it up too often it is devalued.

[Klaa2]

I am a gay man that feels no guilt about my monogamous relationship, and that does not care what YOU think about it.

As for misogynistic remarks about women, I'm above that, too, slamming women isn't something I feel the need to do, especially anonymously.

My remarks were clear and concise, not my problem if you need to project something into them that is not there.

[anneOnymous1]

Part of the reason for this sex-as-currency perception is the idea that women's sexual needs aren't as important as men's. Since sex isn't supposed to be pleasurable for women, she's just "giving it up," whereas men are always getting something.

Yes, women tend to crave sex less often than men, largely due to differences in their hormonal makeup. Being in a relationship means finding some middle ground. If you want sex with a woman, care about making it good for her too, not just "getting it."

[sunflyer40]

@Klaa2 BS When I have sex with my partner I do it because I love the hell out of him. Yes I love to have sex, but its just meaningless sex if you're not in love with your partner. What I'm saying is that sex is central because it is or should be more than just a physical act. I love planting my face on his and etc etc. Yes, I also love holding him in my arms with candles glowing and all the rest as well. Unfortunately straight guys are brainwashed into thinking that emotion is unmanly= the probl

[lptennisjohn]

this is awesome lol

[a1locjaw]

Right on!!  He understands us men!

[forgetmenotfairy]

Oh and if we were not animals we wouldn't be called mammals or be descendants from freaking monkeys!!!

[darkgeminiguy]

People are forgetting that he is a sex columnist, and that's what he gives advice on. Of course he knows other things are crucial to a relationship. He's just taking the question in context to what he does. He and his boyfriend aren't still together just because of sex =P

[Volvican]

I've got a severe case of analogy overload after that.

[Bouncybon]

I never saw this guy before now. But I can see he's on a roll. Selling books, giving talks. It's a marketing thing and he's going for it. OK, good luck to Dan.

But who buys his line uncritically? A lotta people here, apparently. [I'm with ChristinaRocks707] Sex occurs in a relational context - unless it's just an orgasmic event. You can get that in the red light district of your town...]

[forgetmenotfairy]

If you haven't read his books or listen to him before, then you have NO RIGHT TO CRITICISE HIM!!!

[Bouncybon]

I just watched him HERE - so what do you mean - nobody on YouTube should comment unless they've read his books?.Oh wow - I had no idea YouTube had that RULE. Thanks for telling me.

[forgetmenotfairy]

OH please don't try to twist the words around. YOU said this was the FIRST time you saw him before now....YOUR words, not mine.

So how can you talk about his books and talks being just a marketing thing? It's ridiculous in your part to comment on something you have no knowledge of.

LEARN HOW TO READ!!!!

[Bouncybon]

God, this is boring. I have listened to Dan on YouTube and formed an impression of what he is saying. I think what he is saying is a marketing ploy for his books. I may be completely wrong - but that's what I think. What are you gonna do have me arrested and beaten up by thugs? OK - so what do you want? My address?

[Bouncybon]

What an animal. His 'lecture' is obnoxious and inhuman.

I'd have walked out. That simple.

Human beings are worth better than this.

[kiwisunshine5233]

Inhuman? Humans are animals & he is just speaking the truth, which you're too uptight to try to understand & have a good laugh. Sex is key to long term adult relationships. Sex makes us more attached to our partners, it makes us happy, it makes us less depressed & stressed, it makes us want to stay in the relationship, etc. This is has been proven. If you're not giving your partner sex, its just going to strain the relationship.

[Bouncybon]

I'm not uptight - I have a very good sex life, thanks.

But everyone knows that sex alone is only part of the scenario. It needs to be teamed with friendship, caring, generosity, humor, 'give and take'. In a long-term relationship it's called love. You may have heard of it.

Oh - and humans are not just animals. Each person is both body and spirit. You can't say that about an armadillo or a duck.

[CaraIain]

He's just saying sex is important in a relationship, and it's your duty to try and fulfill the other's needs INCLUDING sexual ones.

And sex IS the original basis of relationships. Sex is what defines a romantic relationship from a friendship.

[kiwisunshine5233]

Just because you say you have a good sex life doesn't mean you're not uptight.

No one said that sex alone makes a relationship. Love, respect, etc. everyone knows these fundamental things that make up a relationship. Society doesn't say "theres more to a relationship than just love" if you say its important in a relationship. Dan is emphasizing what what so many couples neglect to do w/ their partner once they marry, settle down, grow old,have kids,etc. Sex helps keep the fire of love burning

[GnarlyCranium]

What the hell do you have against armadillos and ducks??

[forgetmenotfairy]

For fucks sake he's a sex advice columnist, which is why the first thing he mentioned before answering was that he imagine the person meant sexually as it was addressed there to him. You want advice on how to make a relationship last in something other than sex then freaking listen to a relationship columnist!!!

[schnav]

boy I bet you're a real hoot in bed.

[Urbanus1234]

Hmmm....I wonder if any S.O. would be cool with their parter masturbating in front of them if they weren't in the mood?

[Team503]

Some are, some aren't. :)

[forgetmenotfairy]

If you understand that your partner has needs that just because you're not in the "mood" do not disappear, then there should be no problem

[xmuslimatheistfemale]

LOL that's really funny, and true hahaha

[ChristinaRocks707]

i dont totally agree with you on this one Dan. Although sex is heaps important, it cant be the only the thing at the centre of a relationship the way you make it sound to be.. communication and respect on all other aspects of life are important otherwise everything will just fall apart.

sex is great though lol :P

[jaquaw]

he's coming from a male point of view, because to be honest most guys don't care about communication that much

[UwishUwereMe2]

Sex is extremely important. If it weren't, relationships wouldn't suffer so much in its absence. Yes, communication is important, but people can overlook small spats and disagreements much easier if there is great sex to block out the stupidity of momentary irritation with one another.

I always get along with my partners loads better when we are having sex regularly. Any tension that is built up from arguments is released during sex, allowing better connection and communication afterward.

[Team503]

Without getting into a long conversation, they are BOTH important. But while anyone who discusses relationships will admit that communication is important, lots of people will downplay or outright ignore sexual needs as part of a relationship. That's why Dan is highlighting it.

[anneOnymous1]

Agreed. And communication is important TO YOUR SEX LIFE. People are so hesitant to discuss their sexual needs openly, honestly, and respectfully, which is a big part of why so often sexual needs go unmet. That goes for both men and women.

[realpianistcomposer]

Thanks, Dan.  You're a voice of compassionate reason in this increasingly screwy culture.

[nikki89xoxo]

lmao 'Men are like cows'

[dinarocksyou]

I think there were about twelve metaphors in there... :D

[mihaicosmos]

routine maintenance LOL

[XiaoGui17]

If Dan Savage were a player character in D&D, he'd have a Wisdom score of, like, 20.

[MargaretHJ]

Haha, Dan, you're awesome!

[freeyerself]

dan savage, your clear, cutting and caring insight is one of the only things I feel I can rely on in this crazy world... where arlen specter can be a democrat and "re-tweeting" information from police scanner reports is a criminal act in the US. at least i have man milking.

[Chronosagaaddict]

OMG, just release a book or a dvd already. you're soo fucking amazeing. If i was gay; you'd be my dream man cuz yur soo smart and cute

[olgaroz]

He has a few books out already!

[reptyle216]

He's got *four* books out lol. Savage Love (a collection of classic letters from his column), Skipping Towards Gamorrah (where he commits all seven deadly sins), The Kid (about gay adoption where he and his partner adopt a baby) and The Commitment (where they tie the knot). They're all really good.

[Chronosagaaddict]

AWESOME! i'm gonna hunt those down. i just wish on the dvds cuz he talks soo good and i don't read that much

[Kaltros]

Another dose of logic and consideration from a wise man. Who can't benefit from thinking about this stuff and really considering it?

[Kaltros]

~chuckle~ You're so subtle, sweetie. ;)

[spaceelevators]

Dan Savage freakin' rocks. Thank you Dan. As always, thank you.

[MaryJesusJoseph]

Interesting--I've noticed that many women seem to be really freaked out that men masturbate.

[MargaretHJ]

I think both men and women can be threatened by their partner masturbating. I've dated men who hated the idea of me owning a vibrator, because it was something that they 'had to compete with.' But really, as long as your partner is having sex with YOU on a regular basis, who cares if they indulge in some solo action now and then? It feels good, and it relieves tension, so why not?

[vonhoother]

Either because of their physiology or the way they're socialized, some women focus their entire sex lives on their men -- if he's not there, nothing happens (or nothing is SUPPOSED to happen!). They can't comprehend that very few men can see it that way; they think that if doesn't need them there to have an orgasm, there's nothing to keep him from running off to Vegas with the babysitter.

[MMP8705]

=/ Its not working for me....