Can a Relationship That Starts Out as an Affair Succeed?

[auntstacey123]

You're welcome! Well I work about 9 to 12 hrs a day 6 days a wk, so I stay very busy. Been having to nurse various family members who were in car wrecks/accidents over the holidays. I almost got hit head on by a drunk driver in a corvette last nite. When I stopped to ask him if he was ok after he overcorrected & went off the road, he picked up what was left of his front bumper & came at me in my window yelling that he had a bad nite. Needless to say, he was then chased by 5 police cruisers,

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 oh dear! honestly i thought you were hunted down by your ex. keep busy huh? yeah, that sounds about right. mind if i say something? Now I feel guilty bugging you since you're so busy!

but it's always the rejection = you know. it's always the fact that he doesnt care. i know i told him i'd go away but the fact that he really doesnt give a damn whether i leave, or die, or anything. that hurts.

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza Hey, don't worry about it. I'm the same way sometimes. Having someone to talk to is what helps you get over things.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 Hi. reporting progress...in me this w/end. I handed over to GOD. increasing dependence on GOD. prayed, spoke to GOD. also Sunday actively started looking at websites on how to get the man back (i.e. the man i married, not the current man). yeah, i'm still pissed but i thot why not. dunno. my brain's outta whack. so far ALMOST ALL 'gurus'/experienced souls said for me to ACT COOL, like not desperate so that he'd be intrigued. worrid though that he may think i'm ignoring him

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 and the funny thing is -- i think the distancing-yourself-don't-act-­desperate move really might work. it gives you time to think, while encouraging you to respect yourself, putting things in perspective b4 getting back together. i know the girl's asked him b4 to 'discuss the future' too. and she has also indicated to him that she's NOT OUT TO WIN (hah!!) when they are 'discussing' - "just enough to share and clarify viewpoints" (yet she had to say it twice consecutively).

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza The distancing move is not necessarily something you do to get someone back, it is for you to take time-out to get a clear head so you can make a rational decision about your options. I can't tell you what to do as far as staying or leaving but if you will keep praying to God for guidance, he will reveal the answers to you in time. I've tried the distancing move in the past to get exes back & it doesn't always work.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 really? well, darn it! in any case, i'm kinda living in a 'semi-real' world right now. 1/2 of me wants to get into the future, 1/2 is trying to see.."What if" ... dunno. i got time to kill before the counselling and the courts. anyways, it's a good opportunity for both parties to see each other's transformation, as it were. i hope that I can sustain this change. tried it before, but unable to make it work. as i get older however there is emphasis on internal changes.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 the funny thing is that one party goes kind of all 'spiritual' and upwards...in a way (self-ego), but another one is going the "ooohhh..you make me feel soooooo gooooddd" kind of way. well, if i had a hunk after me, that might make me go "ooooh you make me feel sooooo gooood" too. (hahaha, my sarcastic humour's returning, which is always a good sign?).

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 i want to to know something.... i tried to think positively of husband - except when i was shouting at him for betrayal, i suppose - but having said that I tried to give him a hug too, but in the current circumstance, it's a lot like trying to hug a worm (snake?) - you just can't bring yourself to do it. and yet i know he's gonna use that against me, like "well, you see - nothing changed even when you knew THAT I NEEDED ATTENTION. you still ignored me" - advice please?

[auntstacey123]

@kaklizaFor me, as a rule of thumb, I don't hug anyone unless I truly feel the affection.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 y'know something.....i'm feeling down today. lots of emotional roller coasters going round. flashes of memories come flooding into my mind like when an amnesiac first regains consciousness. last nite, had a semi-crash.told him i was very sad and needed to drive 20miles to parents' graveyard. it's a habit, kinda, coz i wanted to be consoled but not many people were willing to console me at midnite.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 silly me, but i felt like a little lost child who just wanted a hug, to be told that it's okay, you are still loved. I hadnt opened my Holy Book regretfully. He was pissed but he kinda said, OK. when i was out i texted him to say that I was hoping he has a good future ahead and he said i was so so unstable. HUH?

I told him I was sad coz i was losing him yet I cud not stop it. I was sad that our earlier happier times meant nothing to him, and that I mean nothing to him.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 I told him a sob story of how basically all i do is trying to survive day by day, yet I cud not do anything to change his mind, or his heart. However i did beg him not to bring the lady round to our place again. I was allowing him to pretty much treat me like a doormat. not for my happiness but for our shared sanity.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 hi there. been a while (well only two days), but i'm a bit more stable now. THANK GOD. technically, there've been bumps along the road to recovery but there is improvement as well -- teeny, tiny, minute ones -- but it is really an accomplishment for me. i have been trying to sort out my own emotions, my own shortcomings - i have many. i'm trying to understand his rationale - & i think i'm slowly beginning to comprehend. but it still doesn't make what he did right.

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza That's good! You will eventually find peace & clarity in all this. It just takes time to get there.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 yeah. it still gets to me though. his betrayal makes me feel rejected (duh?!!). i feel stupid. i feel lost and i feel angry. well im more disappointed really and i feel tired.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 for all who are in pain because of betrayal and ultimate rejection. FOUND SEVERAL WONDEFUL SITES: among them "Here's the truth. Your husband's affair has less to do with you (or even with her) than you think. Often, an affair is a man's way to restore his self esteem or something that is broken within him. Very often, the mistress was just at the right place at the right time.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 ..." So, what does she have that you don't have? She doesn't live in the real world! She doesn't have to pick up your husband's dirty socks or make his meals. She likely doesn't demand a lot from your husband. She's all fun without any sacrifice. She doesn't have to worry about the bills or running the household. She can present herself as a fun diversion with no strings attached. "

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 But, you know what? She can't keep this up forever. The longer the affair lasts, the more that reality is going to set in. She's going to start demanding more from your husband...Instead, conduct yourself with dignity and grace – two traits that she definitely doesn't have.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 WHAT IS IT THAT SHE WANTS AND VALUES THAT YOU CAN TAKE AWAY FROM HER? YOUR HUSBAND. She wants to take your husband from you. In fact, her best case scenario is for you to lose control and to appear unattractive, unstable, and beaten. She needs for things at your house to be tense and heavy because this means that your husband will turn to her as a safe haven. Whether you save your marriage or not, don't let her beat you. "

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 a Q? last nite, he came up to me when i was in the den (laid up with a busted knee) and watched tv there for a bit. he asked me AGAIN about the internet services i use at home, suggesting changes in provider etc. the way he was talking - it seemed like he forgot i was moving out due to situation. TV documentary was on a project that his company lost due to a political intervention. he stayed a while, told me abt his frustration about the lost project. went off, and came back

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 and after he left for a bit, he came back - finished the tv prog - and then he left to have his dinner in the dining room (without a word) : kids were trying to help me to the bathroom etc (bless their little hearts!). i'm not sure why he suddenly had this flash of inspiration - talking to me like all's normal. what's up, do you think?

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza Truthfully, I honestly dont know. I would be confused.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 well, at least things are back to normal. despite banged up knee, i still managed to drive (automatic) car to a large public park at dawn with kids & him in car - to attend kids' school activity. literally in dawn darkness - went round & round for a bit : we found the place. i parked in one empty parking bay, though he was telling me to go further up - that irritated him somewhat!!!!

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123  and then i sent him a message : "did i make you angry AGAIN by parking here somehow? i'm really sorry...my apologies?" --- heh heh just to see what he would say - in case he thought that only the OW is the only loving female alive. well, well, speak of the devil - here he comes now.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 AND yes! i STILL feel like puking every time he tries to go 'normal' e.g. talking to his friends / staff on the phone as if he was the most innocent of men : YUP, THINGS ARE DEFINITELY BACK TO NORMAL and i can't wait to finally move out so i won't get nauseous all the time.

It's really a pity. I really wanted to respect him - maybe i lost my temper, maybe i'm brash, but i really wanted to respect him. why'd he have to go and mess it all up?

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza Yeah they can go from crazy to normal to crazy- like turning a light switch on & off.

[auntstacey123]

Also, bringing the OW around your kids is very abusive.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 dear auntstacey. Y'know, i did google narcissm - came across it by chance. & yes, it fits in exactly with what you said he is like. I've got to share 2 things this morn'. 1) he seemed to agree with Divorce. i knew he hated the idea of family going kaput, but he agreed (pressured by me?). long story short, he hated idea of counselling. i told him counselling is necessary - coz the court might ask if we have gone for counselling and they will request us to do so.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 and I asked him, "Why are you so angry? i am already opening the way for you to be with the woman that you love, why do keep being angry?" (I mean, I'm already the most understanding and caring wife I know : my pals tell me they'd already be throwing their plates to his head, if they were in my place; my MIL's domestic help said she'd throw a bomb). and he said, "Counselling for what?" = i explained about the court's process i.e. counselling then court.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 and then I said, "I'm only trying to help you to be with her". OMG!!! where on earth do i get the strength and the insanity to do this??? from a wealth of love and devotion to a man I truly loved since i was 21. now i'm 43. I cry in short bursts - he never even so much as give a glance in my direction when i do.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 and this morning, when I about to leave for work, i said "you okay with the counselling thing or you want to go to the courts?" and he said, "you said it was procedure, what choice do i have?" = and I'm like HUH? so you agree to (ultimately) go to the courts? and he said "why do you like to ask the obvious?"

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 my pals tell me, they suspect he never thought I would have the capacity to go up and start the process rolling. I guess so. and the 2nd) he is playing his "Family is Peaceful" card right until the very end. He's invited his siblings over for dinner at our home tonight so we can all play Happy Family together. No matter. I promised him that I would not tell on him to his family, that I would let his family think he is a good guy all through.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 Because like Destiny's Child's song Survivor says, I'm not gonna talk bad about him, (well, im talking to you?????) but I ain't gonna destroy his Goody 2 Shoes reputation to his family. It'll come out in court anyway, and he refute it all by saying that I'm a disobedient wife anyway and Im the one who requested for divorce anyway. all that is true.

But in the name of GOD, the ALMIGHTY knows, kids, my siblings and our maid know the ENTIRE truth - so help me GOD.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 oh yeah, you know where i got this 'selflessness' from, also? from my mom. my mom was 20 when she married 40 y.o. Dad. he had broken ties with his kids from previous marriage. My 20 y.o. mom helped repair the rift between youngest child and Dad. When I was a kid, my mom used to get a lot of flak from relatives coz she was so young (and the latest of Dad's conquests), she remained kind, patient and merciful. And my daring can-do spirit? my Dad. He would die than surrender.

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza That "can-do" spirit sounds alot like me. I used to have a tendency to stay too long in bad relationships 'cause I didn't like to give up. It took an act of God to get me out of the relationship with my abusive ex-boyfriend. I thank God I got my sanity back. Over time, after you leave an abusive partner, you look back & think "OMG!!! What was I thinking!!? It's hard to see things clearly when in the middle of a bad relationship.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 HI. i'm confused. i found out that 30/12/11, OW had suddenly developed a conscience even if H didn't. OW asked H to fight for our marriage & to not go thro' with D. and H lovingly replied "It's hard without CHEMISTRY". as if we EVER had CHEMISTRY before we married and THAT didn't stop him THEN.

why, why did OW suddenly develop a conscience? why NOW, of all times when I had already pushed for a D - started the official processes and everything?

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 I mean, her relationship with my husband for the past 7 odd years has been driven by my husband's intense dissatisfaction with me. and she has played the game so well so far, even sending my husband downloaded love songs - like ENTIRE LISTS of them. she even came into my home, took my kids out & had the gall to have photos taken with my H, and went to live concerts with him. and NOW she has a conscience to stop our divorce? i'm like WTH? (pardon the use of colorful language)

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 and H, oh H! I'm thinking "What? I'm not worth fighting for anymore, when I'm trying to give you the biggest sacrifice of my life, which is to be divorced so that you can be with another woman?" I'm leaving so that I can be away from the love that is THEM, and for THEM to be together, officially ......openly, AT LAST.

i'm not too sure what the ALMIGHTY has in store for me, but this is waaaaayyyyy weird.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 : i'm confused. and welcome anyone at all who wants to step in with an answer. there was no conclusive evidence that they were gonna give up what they have, and i don't want to make other promises that i can't keep to H. he doesn't seem very convinced that he's gonna get what he wants from me. for the 1st time, i can't come up with an answer ........ except to proceed with D, coz it's easiest....? am i running away from problems again???

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 the only thing that keeps playing in my head now is ...well, it's kinda like a prayer turned into a song, and it says "Oh GOD ALMIGHTY, im humbled by the fact that I have not done enough deeds to be accepted into your Heavenly Kingdom, yet I am so afraid to go to Hell. My sins are like the beads of sand on the beach, yet my good deeds are like the bubbles on the sea."

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza I'm a Christian so I don't know much about the muslim views on God although I am open & respect others belief systems. My view on sin is that it is simply "missing the mark." We're all human, we all sin, & we're all going to make mistakes until we die, but what is important is that we acknowledge them, learn from them & pick ourselves up. As long as we do our best in this life & keep looking towards God then he will honor that.

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza I know this is a llittle off the subject here, but google info about a man named Howard Storm. He had a profound near-death experience in the mid 80's. I like what he has to say about God & religion. He also has quite a few you-tube videos. This may be comforting to you. It was to me.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 Is this GOD's message to me? that somehow the 2 of them could actually have a change of heart? HAHAHA = it's so unlike me to not boldly come forth and stake individual claim to this marriage's leadership position. hey, y'know what? called Befrienders today, and the guy there said that i seemed to be taking the leadership position and 'giving out orders', directing the relationship. AM I? the "pseudo leader" who takes matters in her own hands, impulsively?"

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 can i just let go and LET GOD? stop trying to influence the strategic direction of things and just LET GOD? I was doing this list of things to do for 2012 and TO RELAX and LET GO was top of the list. right next to STOP BEING BULL HEADED, bcoz cattle don't have large brains anyways. and after that was STOP CARRYING ALL THAT LUGGAGE AROUND..... relax.

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza Yes, it's the only way. But you gotta understand that when you do let God take control, the outcome may not be what you hoped for but it will be in you & your kids best interest. God knows us better than we know ourselves & will always act in our best interests even if we have to go through temporary pain for awhile. Even if it means that something or some situation we hoped for doesn't turn out the way we expect.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 Right, gotcha!

auntstacey, you know, it's hard to let go of 'leadership' - i get easily riled up....that's gonna have to change for 2012. it is not just for this marriage (which may or may not go south), but in fact it is the basis for all relationships in the future, whether I have another man in my life or not. I'm quite stubborn that way. (sheeesh, all my life i've been proud of that 'trademark', now it is a disservice to me).

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 i'm scared....always get this 'breaks in confidence', often act impulsively according to whichever mood i'm in. my H thinks that I can't give him what he wants - which is difficult, coz i don't really now what he wants anymore - im thinking the OW doesn't sound SO bad now that she has a conscience and it's beginning to make me second guess my every step. but the fact remains that she had no qualms about storming into my life and wrecking it for 7 straight years almost

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 oh yeah, one more thing....several times this year (and maybe last year), he said he was travelling to a nearby state. apparently it is now discovered he may have been travelling with OW. and the messages include "Oh, i just love driving you all over" said OW, and he bought her a (hand)bag? and since the revelation of the affair and since the agreement on the divorce, HE JUST SITS UNABASHEDLY IN THE LIVING ROOM, WATCHING TV, PLAYING WITH KIDS AND TEXTING. GUILT? NOT AN IOTA.

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza God can see the big picture & if he sees down the road that for you to remain in a situation would be harmful to you or your kids in any way then he will take you out of it. It's kind of like when a young child sees something that looks like candy & he thinks that he just has to have it but the parent takes it away from them because they know it is really poison. The kid doesn't know it at the time & thinks they have lost something wonderful.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 i tried to give him what he wants, at least i thought that was what he wanted. he had an emotional attachment to her for 7 odd years. and now, NOW, when he seemed to be okay with the counselling and the processes, GOD gives her a conscience, and suddenly, i'm thrown off course. I don't know what he said to her tonite. maybe he's convinced that a D would b best. i wud have been best, if she was still Ms.Grab-It-All : frankly, i think it's an ACT OF GOD.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 hey, where have you been? :) anyways, i just thought of something. when he told OW that 'there was no chemistry', he deserves a bonk on the head. i mean, for that one statement, I could say these ones : yeah, i'm glad i don't have chemistry with you, coz you are a bloody irresponsible liar and an abuser of truth and you use children as a cover for your own purposes (i.e. bringing OW to our home, bringing kids out on date(s) with OW, texting while kids eat ice cream.)

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 OMG, WHAT KIND OF MAN DID I MARRY? HE KEEPS FINDING FAULTS WITH ME, KEEPS PRETENDING TO BE GOODY2SHOES, WHEN ALL THE WHILE HE HAS BEEN SENDING LEWD MESSAGES TO THE OW, AND SHE HAS BEEN THERE FOR YEARS.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 No wonder GOD is trying to take me away from him....and here i was thinking that GOD wasn't listening to my prayers to keep marriage together. HE was protecting me, PROTECTING me, because HE LOVES ME. Thank you GOD.

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza God is always going to consider the individual welfare of you & your children over the marriage. Just think about if your own children were married & in a similar situation-would you tell them to suck it up & stay? I think not! I know he doesn't like divorce but at the same time he hates seeing his children being in a situation where they are being abused & disrespected. If your husband manned up, then there might be a chance. But you can't force someone to get a conscience.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 ....I think he can be a narc after all : his needs :

- admiration, - to be seen as the good guy, - to criticize when you don’t meet their need, - charismatic and successful - lacks remorse, - no conscience, - a tremendous need to control - a façade of caring and understanding - Never wrong,

- Hangs onto resentment, grandiose sense of self, Feels misunderstood,

Is not interested in solving marital problems : it is their way or the highway,

Is envious of other’s success,

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza And they show that "good" & "wonderful" side to the outside world so well that nobody can believe they are that bad. 

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 yeah, they think that WE are the ones who are crazy.

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza Mine had me totally convinced I was crazy. He's been trying to get back into my life & it ain't gonna happen.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 WHAT???? he's trying to get BACK INTO YOUR LIFE? why? ooops sorry, i was too abrupt with that question. but why would he want back in? He had already challenged you to kill yourself, right. Besides, i thought narcs didn't ever admit they are wrong? I'm gonna tell u a funny story later

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza Ah, he's been doing this off and on for years. It's the same ole story-never changes. He calls about every 6 months & says the exact same thing each time "I shoulda never left. We should have got married.(we were never married but In a LTR), you are still the most beautiful, nicest woman" .............yada, yada, yada. Never mind that when we WERE together I was "crazy, fat, stupid, ugly, etc."

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 Im sounding vindictive but a pal of mine sometimes gets premonitions when she meets / sees photos of people. she was right on at least two counts. she told me that when she looked at the pic of my hubby with gf...she got the feeling that "he is gonna get it like Dave got it". FYI, Dave is the name of a mutual friend of ours. he married his 2nd wife years ago. when he married her, he justified by telling everyone that his 1st wife was a tyrant, etc. GUESS WHAT?

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 after that, everyone was talking about how uncouth & irritating his new wife was. Someone had actually seen her slap/scratch his face in public and the guy had a swollen cheek at work the next day!!! stupid, why come to work at all? She goes to people in the office and says, "Do u know who I am, I am the wife of the boss!!!". the Big Boss hates her.

and my dear statement to Dave - a Malay saying - "Padan Muka" (the outcome suits you very much!!!!)

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 Having said that however he hasn't bothered about his 1st wife nor the children from that marriage at all. The 2nd wife was quoted as saying that if Dave ever died outside a club or something, she'd not bother to go get his body...... to which the 1st wife said : I WOULD STILL GO PICK HIM UP, COZ HE'S STILL MY HUSBAND.

- when betrayers leave, they have millions of reasons. but at the end of the day, it all boils down to their own character.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 by the way, i just realised that narcs will say just about anything to get out of a jam? is that true.

besides, he's lied before, why should i believe him now?

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza Yes, they will.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 thanks for your support. hope you are doing well....what's happening in your life?

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza He was arrested & is in jail on 1st offense DWI & reckless operation of a vehicle. I, along with a few other witnesses, will be going to court about this probably in a few weeks. So thrilled!!!! But glad to be alive because he managed to overcorrect right before he hit me & go off in the opposite direction. He was coming at me doing about 55MPH. I think my family & I were jinxed over the holidays! Hope you're doing well & will pray for you.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 WHAT!!! HE WAS COMING AT YOU? WAS HE TRYING TO RUN YOU DOWN OR WHAT? OMG! no wonder you haven't been here. what happened, are u alright? oh my goodness, is this true NARC or what? was anyone hurt? how are you? where are you? omg! (okay, that's about all i can say : OMG!)

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza Yeah, I'm fine, just shook up! He was very wild-eyed & I had to drive away after he made the comment "I've had a real bad nite" with the metal bumper in his hand. I felt very strongly he had the potential to become violent. His pupils were pin-point, which usually means drugs. I used to be an EMT so I know the signs. He threw the front bumper in his car & sped off. Thanks to the woman who was behind him who called the cops, he had five patrol cars waiting.....

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza waiting for him a half mile down the road who chased him down. When I passed by a little later they had him handcuffed. The word that came to my mind when I saw him was not so much a NARC but a sociopath. He had a very chilly, ice-cold stare. He looked like a serial killer I kid you not!!!

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza I do work every day long hours so I don't always come on here everyday but this has been a slow week.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 Oh by the way, thanks for your prayers. today is gonna be my 2nd day of turning over spouse to GOD. actually like "Here GOD, take him...and do whatever you want with him" (as if GOD hadn't been doing that already). i'm prayerful that a positive change will take place....but looking at the way things are....i'm skeptical.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 also, i've been focusing on 'righting' myself too. I don't really want him back the way he is now (I mean IF he were coming back to me now), coz i don't think he has got his brain set in the right direction / his heart's wonky (for the want of a better word). I miss him, of course (he's right downstairs, but I miss the man i married). I miss him but i haven't been getting good vibes about him lately.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 I dunno how you can actually 'write off' someone so totally though. I mean, you seem to be able to 'divorce' your mind from you ex with such finality even b4 this, did it take time. I am still hanging on, in my mind, coz i dont' want to lose the 'relationship' that I had in my mind though it was probably a sham or a fake on his part ....all these years. melodramatic, but it's true. he faked my life.

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza I'm divorced in my mind now because it has been several yrs. It takes time to clearly see a situation for what it is. I had a VERY HARD time letting go & it took an act of God to get me out. I had to go into therapy. I had PTSD from the physical/mental/sexual abuse. How I am now is not how I was 7yrs ago. The whole situation was just incredibly sick.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 sorry, maybe not He faked my life, but he created a false front for what was our relationship and in so doing he created a falsehood that impacted my life - prob half of my past 16 years have been a falsehood - probably been served lies all these years and did not know it. (well, i'm going to hug him now, because i forgive him? I don't know. all i know is that i care about him, and i have to keep reminding myself now that "He is NOT mine" "He is NOT mine". "He's hers!"

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 Dr. Mark Banschick's article on Malignant Divorce, “the narcissist is completely self-serving and selfish.” he completely dismisses any of your needs, or all the years of devotion and mutual companionship that you had built together.For the narcissist, it is all gone; like it never happened. You will have to understand this if you are to deal effectively with him.

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza That fact that they can throw it all away so easily is one of the hardest things to accept & deal with.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 - HE HINTED THINGS POST-EVENT. i.e. like he observes things based on his own internal principles, not showing HOW things should be - and ultimately decided that I wasn't making the cut. Heck, I never really had a chance: half of him was at home, prob comparing me against his gf, whom he shared the other half of his life with and somehow, the gf came out on top. he has shown no remorse, no guilt, no shame. the gf continues to love and adore him .

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza THey do that. They gotta have one woman on a pedestal while the other is knocked to the ground. The higher they are on the pedestal the further they will fall later on. i would be curious to know how he treated other women prior to you two getting together.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 i've been told he's had people chasing after him for a long time. it's like almost everyone wants to be with him. and honestly, my MIL said that he had girls throwing themselves at him in kindergarten Hahahahahah

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 I'm not too sure about the being knocked down from the pedestal though. at the present moment it looks like they are fairly tight. then again, hey.... if a MARRIAGE can faillllll.......... take your case for instance.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 what really angers me is that he had decided all this BY HIMSELF, like as if him having an affair really had NOTHING whatsoever to do with me, and it's like even after i said that i was willing to walk out HAD NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with him and their affair and the fact that he continued to hold this affair dear to his heart had nothing whatsoever to do with the breakup of this family.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 I just want to see how long the girl can keep it down

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza He will eventually show his true colors to her if they are together long enough.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 :Dealing With The Narcissist: 1) A narcissist is adept at causing confusion. That is exactly where the narcissist wants you…confused and questioning yourself. 2) The world of the narcissist is made up of fantasy, nothing is real.

The narcissist wants you to doubt your own value. The best defense during divorce against such a person is to appreciate your own self-worth and refuse to buy into their need to dismiss and belittle you and your needs.

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza My ex did this to me so well & then when he thought he had me completely broken down, he says to me real sarcastically "You're not gonna go kill yourself are you?"

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 Before I finally told him that I am starting the official process of separation, he told me "You just deal with the internal operations of the home, you don't have to bother about the external" . when I told him I was walking and taking the kids, he said "We'll see what the authorities say about that", and I said, "Usually they allow kids to go with the mother", and he said "We'll see whether the mother can afford it".

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 3) The narc believes their needs are more important than yours, they believe they are more intelligent than you and find it unacceptable that anyone would disagree with them.

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza Something i've learned is just because something seems like the "holy" answer doesn't mean it's always coming from god. Example: Had a friend yrs ago whose husband was horribly mentally & physically abusive. She had prayed & thought God was telling her to leave. She shared it with the pastor who said "God would never say that." So she stayed thinking the pastor was the one really hearing from God. She ended up with a gun to her head a few wks later. cont'd.....

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza The point I'm trying to make is that the pastor seemed to have the "holy" answer but it was really my friend who was correctly hearing from God because he(God) was trying to protect her. I hope that eventually you will get that clarification & you will know which direction God wants you to take.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 as i was reading your post, i opened my Holy Book on the side, and immediately the Book opened at the following verse : "Repentance ...is only for those who do something evil in ignorance and repent as soon as they realize it; Allah will pardon them.....O believers! It is not lawful for you to consider women as part of your inheritance.... Treat them with kindness even if you dislike them; it is quite possible that you dislike something in which ALLAH has placed much good".

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza Click on my name & go to my channel. Watch the video I just favorited called Should I Take Back A Cheater. This guy has alot of good info on his channell about narcissists & abusers.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 well, auntstacey, if she is gonna claim my guy (and his physique), then in the spirit of moving on...maybe, i too can claim another guy (and HIS physique).

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza That's probably no coincidence that you opened your book to that specific verse.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 i have to say that one of the biggest things that OW had ever against me is that she has laid claim to my hubby's physique and taken his terms of endearment for me - thus ultimately impacting how he had withheld these from me.  THAT was supposed to be a special part for me, as the wife, yet he has chosen to do what he did.

My boys - aged 12 and 9 - know that he's been lying and they both individually tell me that they are disappointed in Daddy.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 Overcoming a Broken Heart (Posted on Dec 10,'11 by Pure Matrimony) : #1: Accepting Allah’s decision :you do not know someone until you have lived with them for a substantial time. Just because you have these elated feelings of love does not necessarily mean this is the right person. Marriage is a struggle and people develop themselves and change with the experience.Have trust in Allah that He has made the right choice for you.

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza So true!!!

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 #2: love-drug syndrome: With drugs, you are not in love with the powder itself – you are in love with the feelings that it gives you. Similarly, the thing that we love is the special attention, acknowledgment that someone cares about us in a special way, thinks about us in a special way – the constant day dreaming about the future and daily scenarios. So it is not that this person is perfect, it is that this person allows us to feel all these emotions which are addictive.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 #3: Be proactive : Write down a list of goals you want to achieve by the end of the month and get started on them right away. Focus your attention on moving forward rather than wasting time with something that “could have been”.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 #4: Move on : In the spirit of being proactive, the last stage is to actively open your heart and mind to someone else. This could be difficult, as naturally comparisons will creep in, but again realise the fact that it has not worked out means that Allah has someone better suited for you.

[auntstacey123]

Sounds like he is projecting his own personality defects onto you. That is soooo typical! I was in a long-term relationship(not marriage) with a man who did the same to me. That is exactly what a narcissist does. It was so bad that I developed PTSD & had to see a psychiatrist. You are absolutely doing the right thing by contemplating divorce. Can't usually help these types because they blame everyone else but themselves & dont think they need help. Google info on narcissistic traits & sociopaths

[auntstacey123]

Sometimes people meet their partner when they're previous marriage is coming to an end or the partner had already considered ending it for some time. That is different than a serial-cheater who has no intentions of leaving spouse & to whom it is a way of life to continually lie & cheat. Many people, who are otherwise faithful in a marriage, do meet their next partners during their divorce proceedings. Sometimes you can't always control the timing.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 i have a question. My husband is on his 2nd affair - though i think this is more serious than his first. the problem is that he didn't tell me about it - just continued to live a lie (well, he ignored me, wont even sleep with me = shows how much he loves her). I dont' know if he was gonna divorce me but he was worried about the kids. it's really weird, but i told him that I'm starting divorce proceedings. he didn't seem too pleased.

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza Sounds like he wants to have his cake & eat it too. It's good that you're drawing the line. I was watching Dr. Phil last nite & he was talking about this same subject. He said it was better for the kids to come from a broken home than to live in a broken home. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I have a guy friend whose wife does him the same way & has for years & he will never leave. Alot of serial cheaters have narcissistic personality disorder or maybe sociopathic.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 : to be fair (which I always try to be) I wasn't very attentive to him either - & I was rude to him as well. I commenced transformation a few years ago - tried to put him 1st in many areas, many ways, but still fall short in many areas. I seem to have failed him. He seems to enjoy the adoration and affections of his lady love, and he seems to have fallen in really deep.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123  I hate that it breaks up my family but my actions send out to a message to my children that THIS FAMILY WILL NOT BE VICTIMS. Also, FAMILY is about HONESTY, TRUTH, INTEGRITY and UNITY. This family will lead clean lives, with GOD-based values. Though we are Muslims and polygamy is allowed, it must be practiced fairly, without prejudice. I'm not religious but I have a conscience - and I live guided by it.

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza Yes, it's a sad thing for a family to breakup but you & your kids mental, spiritual, & physical welfare overrides that.

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza Can't diagnose your husband but the living a lie bit is a HUGE red flag. It takes alot of effort & energy to be able to do that & I don't see how it is possible for a normal person to be able to do that & live with themselves. There may be more than you are aware of. Him be able to do that shows that he has the ability to "compartmentalize" his life & that is a serious character flaw. They want to have the lover on the side & they also want to.........cont'd.

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza ....keep the family so they can look good to the outside world. Remember though, that it is not about you-it is nothing you did. It is all about him. If he sincerely wants help, that is one thing. He has to own up to it. If not, just remember that there are plenty of men in this world who will love you & will be faithful. They're out there. Hope this helps!

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 It's so nice to be able to talk to you about this. I have a strict, tight support system who say pretty much the same thing. Have to say tho' that this 'compartmentalizing' thing is done by many men who are polygamous = in this country at least (don't ask). I constantly grieve over what I assume to be my shortfalls; yet my kids & domestic help say that I HAD BEEN CHANGING FOR THE BETTER IN RECENT YEARS - but it means nothing if his affair has been more than 7 years, right?

[auntstacey123]

@kakliza Sorry I missed your posts from earlier. Sounds to me as if you have a conscience & that he doesn't have much of one. The fact that you have the ability to own up to your own shortcomings is proof of that. It is still not your fault for the choices he has made & continues to make. You can't change him or what he does but you will have to take the focus off of him & and learn to be there for yourself & your kids. I'm sure others see & appreciate the changes you've made.

[kakliza]

@auntstacey123 By the way, how a normal person lives like that for 7 years? he can't - and that's why he shuns me, purposely finds faults, has mini-explosions about even the slightest problems and he blames it all on me. I was rude, I was arrogant, I was egoistic. By the way, he forgot to include : "I brought the woman round to our house, honey, and introduced her to our kids, and I told our kids not to tell you. Yup, that's just honourable of me, isn't it?" - by the way, THAT's not rude?

[auntstacey123]

My girlfriend met her husband when he was in a very physically/mentally abusive marriage. His then-wife, before she left w/her girlfriends to go on vacation, purposefully let loose a snake in his bedroom--she was that nasty!!! He meets my friend & finally has guts to leave. Everyone blames my friend for being a homewrecker when they didn't know his side of story. 20 yrs & 3 kids later, their marriage is still strong & they couldn't be happier.

[yoOfelia]

Cheating results from a deep-set disrespect or minimization of spouse and children's welfare in order to fill selfish needs. It takes a miracle for a person to change from this insensitivity, most men (or women) don't change. What he did with you, he'll do to you. A man who is respectful and faithful will never cheat, regardless of what the wife does or doesn't do. Choosing a cheater as a life partner is building your house upon the sand.

[kakliza]

@yoOfelia By the way, i love your views, too..... A DEEP-SEATED SET of disrespect or minimization of spouse in order to fill selfish needs. 

[TXBears]

The first marriage ended for a reason and to be sure there was responsibility on either side. If the man breaks up an gets with her they had better work out the reason why the first marriage didn't work out first otherwise later on he may fall out of love with her. The old saying about running away from your problems certainly applies here. You can move away and they just follow you, unless you face them and correct the cause. Theres always the issue of the vow you made before God....

[cheshirelizzy]

I'd tell this woman that she should dump the married man and find someone without baggage of a previous marriage. I'd also encourage the woman to encourage the man to try to pursue his wife again. That would be the most selfless thing anyone can do in such cases. That would show incredible strength of character.

[mariej52]

i agree they always have an excuse and live in a fog..they are blind stupid

[belazela]

Wonderful, sincere advice. You have to live life on your own terms.

[ayurveda1008]

How is the relationship going now?

[pigpenthecat]

Cheaters always have excuses....they deserve each other....

[chibomato78]

I started a relationship like this - we have been together for 10 years and and have a beautiful son.

[chibomato78]

@OEKCVB I highly doubt Im an Idiot - i never cheated on anyone- this is my first and only marriage- and my husbands previous marriage was pretty much over with- his ex wife was cheating on him and made it known and she verbally and physically abused him, so of course he is going to get away from something like that, Wouldn't you?

[chibomato78]

@chibomato78 you need to get over it and move on with your life.

[OEKCVB]

@chibomato78 Fair enough you really didnt answer my question but its cool im sorry if i seemed rough on you, im a little still hurt but i found someone else and i do wish you no malice and even my ex, i believe she is a great woman who made a horrible choice it broke my heart, but i agree take good care :)

[kakliza]

@chibomato78 i think that for all parties concerned, having an intimate relationship with a married person - regardless - is fundamentally wrong. you never know when the marriage can make a turn and yes, it is difficult to turn, but there is still things like "RESPECT, AND HONOUR". i'm sure you have a beautiful family, but i don't think moving in on another person's territory is worth any amount of pain and destruction it brings.

[veracrum]

A marriage is more than just a long-term serious relationship. It is a covenant , In the case under discussion there is a willing to work it out wife and a 10 year old child involved. If these two had any sense at all they would have answered with this advice. Break it off and run life hell because there is nothing but future misery involved for all parties.

[chibomato78]

@OEKCVB We are good people and by the way, in stead of judging other people and making blind assumptions and attacking them at random, why don't you take a good look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself " Is this want people to see me as? "

[dedebiren]

Stupid other woman!

[CamiTheNinja]

the answer to this question would be: not if shes a bad person. this happened to my mom and i and the woman that took my dad away isnt allowing any visitation because she's jealous and she made my dad swear on my life that he wasnt cheating on my mom for 2 years. its done and over moving on. this is when the saying "forgive and forget" fails greatly.

[OEKCVB]

@CamiTheNinja im sorry kid you know its not your fault at all right!!? and i hope the best for you always and im sorry your in this mess, i pray that the Lord gives you comfort hang in there :)

[TheStonesQT93]

They seem very wise, I liked the way they respect marriage and also the human heart