I love my Eating Disorder...*triggering*

[weaveamyweave08]

What a very powerful video. Thank you for sharing it. Your words say many things that I have not had the courage to say myself. Perhaps now I will....

[laurayinmay]

You people are sick and need help... Youtube should be sued for letting things like this on the internet.

[bgirlscaps]

what a bitch thing to say.

you dont understand bcuz you dont live with your weight haunting you, day in and day out.

when you actually understand EDs then come back and post something.

[beautywithin85]

thanks I didn't have it in me to reply...I think you did a marvelous job at it...

[jennyDANCERXX18]

i think i will do that!

i will find people on youtube who understand how i feel truly!

[rockongal]

Why cant you meet people who know how you feel?

Youtube is inconvienient):

[jennyDANCERXX18]

i cant stop and i know i need to stop but i cant and my ed is my life and none of my friends see how hard i am trying to get better i know im 57lbs and i have to stop but they wont lsiten they wont help me anymore only 4friends and my sisters want to help me and my parents stopped caring for me and crap and i have no one eals to talk to anymore i feel like my life is already over and i just want this to be over already and i cant find the light to recovery,

[lilyanne864]

I am 23 and I just can't be happy until I can be like 100 pounds... I just can't stop ... and some days I give up and try to cut myself... No one understands... and my bf frustrates me because he keeps wanting me to go to a psychiatrist! I am sooo fat! Like I lost so much weight and then I gained and I hate myself

[aleemoralees]

you'd be happy even if you get to 80 pounds.. trust me. this is an ilness.. a psychiatrist will help you a lot:) I was at a clinica for 3 months.. and I am way better.. I know bulimia will follow me forever but now at least I can ignore her most of the time.

[mjZstargirl]

i love ED too.

ana and mia are like soul sisters.

haha. i sound so very crazy, but at the end of the days that what everybody is. some just hide it better.

[EmoAlex97]

Im dealing what you are going through im in a mentel hospital because im not eating im 16 and im 5ft.6 and only weagh 69 pounds i need all the suport i can get

[beautywithin85]

I'm sorry to hear that you are strugggling so much...my thoughts are with you.

[danymusa]

This is a great video, I wished I had seen it a couple years ago lol, to me, my ED makes me feel like when I look like all those girls, I will fianlly look the way I feel

[THlNlSlN]

wow... i wish i would have seen this video 3 years ago.. maybe then i wouldn't have this little voice i call ana in my head, the only friend i have left. my only reason to keep going.

great video

[xcbabe118]

this is such a good video.

I feel the exact same way you do,

I'm currently trying to recover from anorexia.

[nevertothin00]

i love my ana and mia they r my very best friends they make me pretty

[beautywithin85]

Um no offense but are you on crack? It certainly sounds like it. Obviously I "love" my eating disorder for entirely different reasons... I hope you find your way eventually. Take care of yourself.

[geriann1981]

that was a very moving and very well made video.

my heart goes out to you.

[beautywithin85]

I'm glad that you can appreciate it and don't take the general "well if you just ate..." approach. That frustrates me to no end!

[UniqueLykEvery1Else]

This is really excellent..well done!

[beautywithin85]

thank you! I liked the previous song better but this one is still good.

[chocolatekiss608]

wow that was a really different way of looking at eating disorders but it is so true. good job.

[beautywithin85]

thanks I liked it better with the sound track...it was really fitting but youtube is being mean =(...I'm really glad you can see the other side of it, not everyone can it takes a sepcial person <3

[nothungryxx]

i thought ur vid was amazing..=) <3 Happy u recovered xx

[beautywithin85]

Actually I'm still workin on it most days, but def happy to be working on it!

I hope for you that you can achieve the same happiness also. Take care xoxoxo

[Candy19820]

OH - NO!!! When was that track removed...??!

GOSH i don't believe that...that was beautifully synchronized to this video... :-(

[beautywithin85]

yeah I'm really fed up with youtube and their whole new audioswap/copyright status

[Candy19820]

who's the Artist singing this track...? x

[beautywithin85]

Jewel-Break Me

[wolfy26howl]

thank u soo much

ill download it

and see if i can work with it

i still dunno how to work my own dvd player, so this will probly be a good challenge for me

lol

thanks a lot :)

[wolfy26howl]

wow.. that was really good

ok, btw

i know u all are going to think.. how stupid are u

but like, how do u make these videos?

cuz i want to express my selfharm and ed struggles

thanks :)

[beautywithin85]

Nope not a stupid question...you are talking to prob the most technologically dumb girl ever...So if you get windows movie maker (its my fave) its pretty much idiot proof...download pics off the internet at photobucket etc, import them with the link, burn music, import it with the link. Click transistions and effects and stuff to fiddle with it (it puts all the stuff on a time line so if u can use a mouse ur good to go =)

[beautywithin85]

then save movie to computer and it will show up as a windows media/video file (rather then origional movie maker file) and upload that to youtube...

[whynotsosweet]

WOW! That was truly amazing! Normally, I wouldn't have clicked on a 10 minute video, but I am very glad that I did. It made me almost want to cry for you, and me, and all of us.

I had just been thinking recently that I should stop what I'm doing to myself. But I'm not ready yet. I can't say that with losing 10-15 more pounds I'll be happy, but after that is where I THINK I WANT to stop.

It truly is a LOVE-HATE relationship.

Thank You. <3

[beautywithin85]

Yeah I'm not big into the ten minute videos either I don't sit still that well...but they have their place. Stay safe until you can find the strenghth to stop. Thinking of you <33

[Morganxmij]

beautiful.. wich song is it?

[beautywithin85]

break me, by jewel =)

[Morganxmij]

thank you.

I really like ur vid, chose exactly the right words, pictures, song to make it un-able to stop watching..

[Squiif]

it's so relieving to realise im not the only one feeling so alone. I've suffered for 7 years now, bu since gaining after hitting a low of 97lbs, now that im not a stick anymore everyone assumes im alright, when in actual fact inside im the worst ive ever been. It's a real love hate relationship and it's a part of who I am now which makes it so hard to let go. I dont think ive really made a point here other than rambling, but Id just like to say thankyou for a fantastic, honest video. xx

[beautywithin85]

Yeah same boat, I've been a healthy weight for four years (but that's not even HALF of it (recovery)) And everyone just assumes that b/c I can "function" I'm ok. The whole honesty thing...the only way I think. There is so much about anorexia that is deceptive, honest is the only weapon against it. Take care xoxoxo

[illbeyrsky]

Yes, I loved my eating disorder first as well.

Until I dropped to 88lbs and all that people could and would do was judge.

This is unfortunately life defining.

You and the world wont forget.

[beautywithin85]

I totally agree...I am a healthy weight I look better then I ever have in my life, I am productive in my life, and my eating disorder STILL defines such a large part of who I am..It's quite sad really. Ppl ask me what I did as a teenager, I'm like I starved and they think I'm kidding. :(

[clur18]

i found this video when i was lookin for some pro-ed sites and i watched it and i cried all the was through. it really made me want to recover from my ed. i hope ur ok. this is an amazing video. i understand exactly what ur saying in it. i hope ur doing ok. x

[beautywithin85]

I am!Back in treatment but only one day a week! (as opposed to 24/7) I'm so glad that it did that for u-sometimes I'm afraid that ppl will watch it & remember that it DOES serve a purpose (I feel its counter productive to deny that it does) & feel lured into going back.

At this pt my ed is not about being beautiful or perfect its more about feeling not alone like a failure and knowing who I am.those issues are more intense to deal w/.

I hope eventually u choose recovery. I'll be here then.

[XlovinglondonX]

great vid.

:D

[michellerose23]

Beautifully Done. I love how you showed a different side of eating disorders. I can definitely relate. I loved my eating disorder, until I realized all it ever did was hurt me. Great Job.

[beautywithin85]

yeah I felt like that if I didn't atleast acknowledge that part of me needed and loved atleast for a short time that I would never be able to let it go. But yeah it's hurt me more then anything or anyone else I've ever known quite possibly.

[kdoy306]

eatingdisorders  killll

[beautywithin85]

thanks for the news flash...i'm actually aware of that...I dunno if you watched the whole thing behind this is that its not worth it...but its important to acknowledge that there is something about the eating disorder keeping us from recovery...its makes it easier to let it go.

[kdoy306]

sorry:| i didnt mean it to be like thattt!!

i just mean like i totally agree with you!

and thanks for sharing the video!!

sorry xx

[beautywithin85]

oh sorry! I guess I was having a bad day!

[kdoy306]

nahh my fault hun!!

xxx

[26mae1987]

omg the video was lovely the song was beautiful someone who suffers from ana and mia i get it as much as i can!

[LHStostardome]

You did an awesome job on this video. I love your eye with piece sign avatar too! I'm sorry you are plagued by the ed

and cannot shake it. No one should have to be abused in the way you were either. I wish for you to be able to turn and just walk away from your ed, and not look back. It will be difficult, but you shouldn't have to pay for the actions of another, day in and day out. It's all there inside you, the control over it. I hope you can assert it one day, and just walk away. XO

[beautywithin85]

Yeah thanks I'm shakin it just really REALLY slowly...a lot of the thoughts like 'I'm too fat, worthlesss and a failure cause i'm not 100 lbs have' gone but my ed did give me something and sometimes I feel like I owe something back...I don't cause it took way too much back of its own accord...

And yeah I want to walk away too, and I can (and have- its the first time in a couple yrs i've been even remotely symptomatic) and I just need to figure out whats stopping me. sigh.

[hpdinme]

i love your message and idea for this

very good

and wondferful mssg in the vid

[beautywithin85]

thank you I just thought ppl would think I was nuts!

[charlieglue]

i have to say i admire you - i admire your courage to put yourself out here and bare your soul.

[beautywithin85]

thanks I find that I end up doing it all or nothing (ed again I guess)that if I'm not totally honest in some respect then I start being completely dishonest and lying about everything...so when I want to hide the most is the time to start screaming out loud everything i'm tempted to keep secret...make any sense?

[fuckupthatsme]

I think that I can listen better thanur ed ever can or could because my only reason for listening is that I care no matter what you have to say :-) ed's reasons are just to be mean I don't think you should waste your love on that.

I save all my lub 4 u :-)

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo­x

[beautywithin85]

yer i know babe....I savin all my lub 4 u too i just feel like I owe it somethin some days...ok havin a saz not thinkin so straight mo...

[killthescale]

I totall get it. I have been struggling with this a lot lately. This week has not been a good week for me ED wise.

[beautywithin85]

you guys are awesome I was kinda afraid ppl in recovery were gonna be like your a fraud and a fake and a failure [at recovery] and the pro ana/choice ppl were gonna be like ok ur just NUTS...anyways I hope next week goes better for you...

[buwTfrmPAIN]

if it was easy you wouldn't need to "recover" this shows that you are far from fake.

you suffer the loveless world of the eating disorder AND you suffer the loss of its consistency direction and false safety when you deny it your will. enduring just makes the fact that you still work toward and preach recovery even more admirable. you don't need to hide x o x o x o

[ShanzeeeGirl]

your honesty is admirable. i think most people have a love/hate relationship with their eating disorder. they love it for what it's done FOR them and they hate it for what it's done TO them. it's what makes it all the much harder to let it go...

*hugs*

[beautywithin85]

How did you manage to say what I wanted to in one sentence and it took me 9:56 sec???...ah wise chickie...that you are. Btw I was thinking of you last night...wonderin where u went...

[ShanzeeeGirl]

haha, i'm just very eloquent!

i haven't no anywhere my dear... i'm just not as good as churning out videos as you are. but have no fear, i'm off to upload one RIGHT NOW.

love you doll!