Brooke Alvarez Has All The Answers, Even About Particle Physics

[93224956]

Wouldn't the answer just be 'No'?

[han1pan1]

Oh my, she really knows how to get my hardon collider running.

[driverv86]

Brooke, marry me.

[DEATHBYFLYINGCDS]

"a few whacks with a wrench" So it's official, the TF2 engineer now works for the Onion.

[Enthernal0]

You need to be a so-called 'rocket scientist' to recognize both the response and question.

Which I partly am even though the notion of them whacking such a beautiful machine with a wrench insults me heavilly.

[gruntscream95]

I understood all of that, falling asleep the the science channel works

[CLASHofTHElonders]

@gruntscream95 you said the twice

[Andybaby]

Thumbs up if you also like cheese!

[cjdaweasel]

Yes, Brooke Alvarez is a selfish whore. We get it. Can we move on to another joke please?

[Synthmilk]

@cjdaweasel No.

[uvitek1]

I understood the second question untill the "giiiiiirl" part =)

[ejpowerboy]

Lol

[Yepimdatguy]

I wish news reporters were actually this smart... and knew what the fuck they were talking about. :(

[modemmack]

Question. Why the hell is Brooke wearing an ill fitting, wrinkled T-shirt in the Fact Zone?

[photoshopluvr13]

wow, I misread the description... at first I thought it said "giant hardon collider"

[indecentthinking]

@photoshopluvr13

ME TOO.

[MARIOFREAK821]

@photoshopluvr13 How did you mistake the word "large" for "giant"? Derp

[Rushthatspeaks]

Nah it's not possible that she actually got the question an entire day before airing it...had her servants look it up and write her the answer while she spent 4 hours putting on make-up and blowing her boss to get a promotion.

[thisisnotanick]

@Rushthatspeaks Or perhaps they have writers since this is TheOnion...

[kirasao]

anyone who thinks brooke alvarez isn't hot is a nazi.

[Foochen20]

Thump up if you want to see the hardron collider in the basement of Factzone.

[EyequeenCasskulla]

It sounded like she was talking about sex. lolz :P

[jackwuzhear]

milf

[VonNashman]

Giant hard-on collider.

[NaziJesus]

she's saying that the higgs boson doesn't exist?

[RoDTXaR]

What is she doing outside the kitchen?!

[WoundedEgo]

In Europe, they have their "Large Haldron Collider", but so what, we have "Amtrak" - aka "Very Large Train Colliders".

[SuperNewsJunky]

Brooke Alvarez knows nothing about particle physics. She is a fraud and should quit "Talk Back" and do some housewife reality show.

BRING BACK JANE CARMICHAEL!

[Georgeocurtis]

she is so not funny haha

[DickCheneyXX]

We just need some MOAR ENARGYZ!!!!

[oNYAANo]

Lots of syllables makes me sound smarterer.

[Javimonotheism]

Now someone bring make up a question about String Theory!!! Wait, got one... Is the Theory (String Theory) truly valid considering there are five different methods in explaining how these tiny strands of vibrating energy can actually be tolerated as the "Theory of Everything"?

[theinsekt]

Is theory anticipating experiment a positive or negative thing?

[TheApollo81]

@theinsekt It's usually considered to be positive thing when a theory anticipates an experimental finding.

[underbjorn]

Fox "News" would never answer questions about the anti-god machine!

[munitionsman4391]

wait...those were real questions? (sarcasim)

[ShrougerNite]

The inconclusive findings at the large-hadron collider may or may not call into question the value of the postulate that first prompted the experiment.

For further details, please consult Dave from maintenance.

[FistyCarrera]

C'mon, she must have done some porn when she was younger! Anyone?

[Irondrone4]

@FistyCarrera No, but she was the first child in space.

[SimmanGodz]

@Irondrone4 Haha, I love that one.

[chaoticcranium]

Yes, the FactZone has its own LHC - that should be common knowledge at this point - but Brooke is clearly trying to cover up its real purpose.

They shall harness the power of the God particle and produce black holes at their will. Soon, anyone who dares to challenge the Onion's infallible empire of hard-hitting, breaking news and investigative journalism will be crushed into singularity. A fitting end for the already infinitesimally small minded.

[DasGreenCow]

that answer was all double speak.

[ddarkdomz]

Enough of Brooke Alvarez already. I miss the old team. Onion, bring them back please?

[PressXtonotdie]

I understood the second question, and the response. I now have a feeling of superiority. Bow before me, onion viewers.

[samjeanb]

@PressXtonotdie ohhh.. no!

[ImperialManiac1]

@PressXtonotdie Then again, anyone who isn't a potato could understand that.

Bloody peasants.

[ManicTheManic]

@PressXtonotdie The sad part is that, even though you obviously posted that in a humorous manner, you really did only post this comment to let people know and to make yourself feel superior.

Pathetic.

[PressXtonotdie]

@ManicTheManic I posted it in response to the fact that both top comments at the time of me viewing were people stating that they had no comprehension of what she was talking about. Quite frankly if you judge things are trivial as YouTube comments as sad and pathetic when you yourself clearly realise thy're humourous, you really need to rethink your priorities.

[ManicTheManic]

@PressXtonotdie So basically what your saying is....

"You took the time to call me out on my bullshit, you need to set your priorities straight"

It took me all of 2 minutes to see a dumbass, and write a response, your argument is invalid.

[PressXtonotdie]

@ManicTheManic Not really, learn to paraphrase. And the fact that it took you two minutes is in and of itself, "pathetic". And yes, that was ironic humour, since clearly you need it explained to you. Go be manic somewhere else, manic.

[ManicTheManic]

@PressXtonotdie Your refutation: "Not really"

Nice ;)

[chiroptera9]

@PressXtonotdie

so then, you understand what she was saying cant be true right? :P

[PressXtonotdie]

@chiroptera9 It was pretty much a fuckton of double speak.

[Nikotehwolf]

@PressXtonotdie It was pretty much a fuck ton of HURR DERRPPP shut up idiot

[DocTheMedic3]

@chiroptera9 Well, it was a question of philosophy more than anything, and she addressed it as a complicated yes. Then she made no sense with the wrench comment.

[Eternalykegg]

@DocTheMedic3 Most complicated philosophy questions can be answered with a wrench, though.

[alexboldea]

@PressXtonotdie i understood it too, but i'd rather see her in a bikini so that's where my thumb will go, sorry overlord

[cheeky250250]

@PressXtonotdie All hail to thee.

[Serbian2SPIRIT]

@PressXtonotdie

aaa

Shut up

[1TopGunPaintballer]

@PressXtonotdie Well I uderstood the first question. Seems we are tied. Mybe though I am probably winning a bit more. 

[PressXtonotdie]

@1TopGunPaintballer It may blow your mind, fellow divine being, but I am above even your might! For I, too, comprehended the magnificence of the first question!

[canufi]

@PressXtonotdie the cheese question?

[driverv86]

@PressXtonotdie I can put ten rounds in the diameter of a dollar at one hundred meters. I now have a feeling of deadliness. Bow before me...oh fuck it, that was just too pretentious to finish...

[Bakakazu]

Dave: Discoverer of the Higgs Boson

[hmfgotface]

Uhhhhhhh. All i heard was cheese and facebook wall

[w9j15g]

Thumbs up if you want to see Brooke Alvarez in a bikini.

[culwin]

@w9j15g Thumbs up if you want to see Brooke Alvarez without a bikini.

[gunscarsandgames]

@w9j15g shes like 50...

[MegaAntimason]

@gunscarsandgames so is your mom, but i still would do her :D

[TheMors666]

@w9j15g Thumbs up if you want to see Brooke Alvarez out of a bikini.

[3dspider]

Onion makes video about the lack of groundbreaking higgs boson discovery, days later evidence for the higgs boson's existance publically announced. Timing, amazing.

[gamerunknown]

Better than Peaches Geldof

[LakASambooodee]

They sped up the video (look at the screens behind her)

[jay7sa]

I like cheese too, Brooke and i have so much in common.

[crazybrain007]

MILF



[0BatGirl0]

Physics are wrong, the only truth is with Brooke.

[alehug]

I knew she was a smart girl and truthful source of information.

[AreThereNoMoreNames]

Not quite true. While it wasn't the LHC, one of the other particle accelerators was allowed to run for a while, and it managed to accelerate a particle beyond the speed of light. This, of course, pretty much proves that quantum physics based on the theory of relativity are all wrong.

[tuseroni]

@AreThereNoMoreNames that is actually incorrect, review of the experiment showed a mistake in the experimenters methodology, namely they forgot to take relativity into account when comparing time stamps from the GPS

[AreThereNoMoreNames]

@tuseroni Why would relativity matter, or the GPS for that matter? They shot a particle through a long tube, and a single particle can't carry a GPS.

[tuseroni]

@AreThereNoMoreNames so...you dont actually know anything ABOUT the experiment....

rather than explaining it here is an article on the subject:

technologyreview(dot)com/blog/­arxiv/27260/

[AreThereNoMoreNames]

@tuseroni I hadn't heard that much, but that's an interesting rebuttal. I had thought you were trying to say that the clock on the GPS that was traveling with particle was incorrect because of relativity.

[armasiel]

@AreThereNoMoreNames Electrons are able to exist in 2 places at once, magnets.

[AreThereNoMoreNames]

@armasiel As are photons, too. But that's irrelevant, since they used a neutrino.

[armasiel]

@AreThereNoMoreNames Do you think when the scientists turned on the LHC they yelled out "i'ma firin' mah lazor"?

[AreThereNoMoreNames]

@armasiel Don't be absurd, they're much more professional than that!

...but they probably did.

[Laffen47]

@TheCyber3000

Yes you are, but in the future, nerds shall inherit the earth, so do not despair, and yes i did also understand it all, but then again the amount of data being processed, in trying to prove a theoretical quest might never yield information of the higgs boson, even so as long as it exists it is still a very valuable contribution to science.

That being said, this video was fairly epic

[MatthewAllanE]

YAAAA!

[7ay]

1: cheese is shit

2: yes its a 10 billion dollar fail machine of shit

3: there is no 3 and it makes me sad

[CSRgamer]

@7ay

Hey, maybe we can repurpose it to send people into slipspace to travel to distant planets :D

[TheCyber3000]

I understood everything...... ;_; Am I really that geeky?

[mloebl10]

id like her to whack my wrench

[Chubtoaster]

I like cheese.

[jesiramoun]

i could swear that question was for a physics homework. so, thank you for your help brooke.

[yngvaibucketrucci]

the saddest thing about this is that this is the type of question that should be asked on mainstream news, and the type of answer that news anchors should be capable of giving. I'd like to hear what megan kelly would have to say to that

[kyebean]

@yngvaibucketrucci "Well the heavenly father did it, take your filthy questions somewhere else, you atheist slime!"

[yngvaibucketrucci]

@kyebean right, and something about the liberal elites brainwashing out children into believing that physics is real

[bloodrayne45]

I wonder why her eyes are going back and forth like she's reading something

[ChocoRoll6070]

how is surpasing the speed of light not groundbreaking??

[TooCool1993]

i think i love you brooke

[AgiEqualsLavie]

I love this show :) thank you for providing me with a pleasantly spent 1min 8 secs

[ryan50ryan]

All I heard was "kill them ryan... kill them so we can be together..."

[lutfizz]

i actually understood the second question

but not her answer

[zaten7]

because of the level of education in america ,and latin america i doubt more than 5 people with the lastname alvarez know what particle physic means

[Erilis666]

@zaten7 don't you mean particle physique?

[whirl89]

Lool nice one

[juanmora19910209]

LMFAO this made me feel stoopid

[kyebean]

Alvarez isn't very funny, sadly it's too realistic. Faux News and CNN are probably trying to recruit her.

[aestevalis0]

@kyebean Suzanne Sena (which is her real name) actually used to work for Faux News.

[kyebean]

@aestevalis0 of course they couldn't let anyone with a sense of humor stick around lol. It's so bizarre how they seem desperate to portray this universal image of women as vicious, blond, creepy, sociopathic lunatics.

[aestevalis0]

@kyebean It's not really all that bizarre when you think about the role of women according to the Religious Right. I mean, what better way to make sure women stay quiet and subservient than make them out to be laughable psychos.

[kyebean]

@aestevalis0 Those Faux anchors sure don't seem quiet and subservient. It almost seems like that would be preferable when you look at them and women like Palin and Bachmann. I guess you're saying their strategy is to make women so ashamed of their gender that they don't come out of the house...

[aestevalis0]

@kyebean Yeah, that was pretty much what I was saying.

[biostewie]

That was a pretty stupid and pointless question. I was hoping the question would have some worth. Sigh.

[SharkDude1]

God the Onion is aweful now. Sell outs!!!

[Z14LDO]

:D

[someone7671]

You can speak fast, congratulations.

[skatty14]

I like cheese too...

[dangledog]

so funny...

[Pilkie101]

What a load of bollocks. Worst video I've ever seen.

[quietthomas]

Hey look, 68 views are dicks who like to suck dick and have their dick sucked fuckin dicks. "I'd like to collide her" - dicks.

[MrSirboom]

epic



[TheYolk]

This is getting old. I want the old onion back :(

[Arundodonax]

Actually, I think we are treating the standard model as a soothsayer.

[TheToolboxRules]

Onion reminds me of Aperture science...

[miguelin97223]

i used to be a Hadron collider, but then i took an arrow to the knee

[omniskriba]

I GOT THAT! WHY DID I GET THAT!? I'M A LIBERAL ARTS MAJOR FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I feel... violated...

[MAYof90]

She's too smart for a women . . . Brook is a man !

[adolphbot]

@MAYof90

No, she's a giraffe.

[Stapler78]

I love how all her tshirts and hoodies look so fresh from the store.

[kroovyandcal]

Are you sure we are dealing with Theory? It seems more akin to Hypothesis

[Bicseko]

I understood THE FIRST question.

[Trillasecond]

@Bicseko yah the other one was too boring to note

[chrisstevens2]

Hey, she's actually beautiful AND intelligent.  A keeper!

[bradyculous]

@chrisstevens2 Nice try Brooke Alvarez

[P0IS0N]

Here's a question, Brooke: Can you do these Talkback shows wearing the dress with the nice cleavage?

[FerreThoughts]

Wait what. Results confirming standard theory would also be groundbreaking. Higgs Boson is included in the theory, and potentially finding that is HUGE news. And they do have some results that look favorably on the existence of Higgs Boson, but of course nothing can be confirmed for a while.

Am I crazy or did I hear the video wrong?

[stuffedXcucambor]

@FerreThoughts Maybe both

[K9Negative]

if only a few whacks with a wrench would get my girlfriend to work better.... what? domestic abuse isn't funny?

[ewhite3746]

@K9Negative no, it's not

[K9Negative]

@ewhite3746 lol... I don't have to deal with ppl like you irl. happy dance!

[ewhite3746]

@K9Negative try being abused, and then i'll laugh at your domestic abuse jokes.

[decutthroat]

@ewhite3746 being abused is no reason not to appreciate a good domestic abuse joke (although i don't know if said joke was "good")

[K9Negative]

@ewhite3746 then start laughing. not everyone deals with trauma by becoming bitter and humorless. I think I'll go chat with someone a bit less boring now.

[DancingSpiderman]

I have a Large Hard-On Collider. Her name is Brooke Alvadezz.

[MrSenseofReason]

if she were lowing a lower cut shirt....i wouldnt have understood any of that

[russfromdodge]

Man....She just keeps getting hotter....

[pendulousphallus]

Fuck you that's clever.

[pendulousphallus]

Fuck you that's clever.

[GreenMaster8]

pwned

[scorpiaerika]

i'm getting tired of these ask brooke things, more hard news plz :)

[coolguy4488]

Really? I still dont consider the LHC a failure

[zalencig]

Holy shit. Nice.

[iannetta11]

Just whack it with a wrench. That's what I always say.

[kevinmarquez19]

@iannetta11 Real life is not TF2...it's obviously Halo.

[iannetta11]

@kevinmarquez19 K? I do not speak Spanish.

[sulack]

Trolled by sxephil

[vladtheeditor]

You can't beat the teleprompter, oh inquisitive viewer

[gbrooks2]

I'd like her to collide with my large hardon. hurhurhur

[awesomoh4000]

@gbrooks2 wut?

[lceman11]

she tried to confuse me... key word, "tried"

[ImTheSlyDevil]

brooke i think you should say all of that again in that dress you wore last time.

[Neavris]

Not bad Brooke, thank you.

[Sounds4theInfowar]

•••

Hey Brooke,

What is your opinion of Building 7?

If you don't know about it you can get info here-- watch?v=hZEvA8BCoBw but I am really curious what your thought are on it. I'm sure others are curious too!

Thanks Brooke !

•••

[69BigRolla]

I did not listen to a word she just said...

[ColBarnaby]

What idiot asked that question? The codon errors alone have incredible implications!

Specifically that the totality of existence is a computer simulation...