Pastor Joel Osteen's Christian Clean Jokes B no dirty funny

[xukeith33]

oh my!1 so sad jokes are awful..

[krononomikon]

awsomekideli, beasts are meant to be hunted and killed and eaten :(

[odensmeadhorn]

All male gang bang in the hotel 20 mins later.

[gupsphoo]

You love Joe Osteen just like you used to love Ted Haggard. Right?

[Awsomekideli]

Why is everyone hating on joel osteen??? He is a beast

[GregLily08]

Lol i love the one about the bear becoming a christian.

[YouAreAVeryBadMan]

I don't like the guy, but he tells jokes pretty well.

[dr7734573882]

SHADAI CHRISTIAN MINISTRIES! LOCATED IN SANDIEGO'S GOLDEN HILLS COMMUNITY! CORDIAL INVITATIONS ARE SENT FROM THEM TO YOU FB! THEY ARE LOCATED AT 835 25TH ST PRECISELY AT 25TH & E STREET! SUNDAY BIBLE SCHOOL STARTS AT 9:30 AM PRAISE GOD! FOLLOWING WORSHIP SERVICE aT 11AM! WEDNESDAY NIGHT SERVICE IS AT 6PM RECIEVING YOU IN LOVE!

and read in the bible john:3-16 and romans:10-9-10 amen

[paisleyyama]

Nice to hear clean jokes.  Laughter is good medicine!

[genesisharmonicas]

Joel is a materialistic piece of fucking garbage.

[frederickj3]

I like jokes. I also think that most of the people who commented on this video are morons that will never amount to anything or do anything for the Kingdom of God. Two things need to be considered here: I said "most of the people" not all. And secondly, I said I think. It's just my opinion. But all thes critical nasty idiotic big mouthed Christians who divide and spread hatred are as bad as Richard Dawkins and other modern atheists. Once again, just my opinion.

[eloymm1]

Joel Osteen is a blessing pastor!!! : )

[Rylucero]

True Prophets of God unlike Joel who have been called by God to speak for Him and to be His messenger are commanded by God to reveal to mankind His plan of salvation, His will, His character, and His truth. True Prophets speak of the consequences of denying the Savior that leads to eternal separation in Hell. Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified. Romans 8:30 (KJV)

[misfit4Him]

You, dear sir whom calleth yourself a Christian ; preacheth another gospel.

Leading many astray on the wide path of destruction where hell fie is certain.

There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Examine yourself to see if you be in the faith. Are you being saved?

/

[Moc870]

is it me or does this guy look like a young richard geer?

[Rylucero]

Prophets have been called by God to speak for Him and to be His messenger. God speaks to these men who are commanded to reveal to mankind His plan of salvation, His will, His character, and His truth. A prophet testifies of Jesus Christ as the Son of God, that He died for our sins, they preach of repentance, condemnation, judgment, sin, and eternal torment. These are the things that prophets of God do, but that Joel Osteen as a false prophet does not.

[Rylucero]

The quotable false Prophet Joel Osteen, Many of you today know this, you believe it down here in your heart. But the reason that you're not experiencing as much as you should is because you're not declaring it. You've got to give life to your faith by speaking it out. Your words have creative power. When you go around saying, 'I have favor, people want to be good to me and supernatural doors are opening.' This form of decreeing and affirmation is demonic in nature.

[MrMoon360]

@Rylucero quote "This form of decreeing and affirmation is demonic in nature." Do you have scripture for this? For example, to say "I am healed, in Jesus name" is demonic in nature? [John 14: 13-14] The same for anything you ask/decree in Jesus name should be given unto you(the righteousness of God), according to the Word.

[Rylucero]

@MrMoon360 We are not called to be discrete but to exhibit spiritual strength as well as demonstrate a spirit of authority that is given to the believer. We are at times to be bold, to be courageous, and to speak with confidence. This virtue as well a spirit of humility, are both essential for the believer and are both mutually exclusive. To choose to be a follower of Jesus Christ requires at times various actions of boldness because as genuine followers of Christ we are called to do so.

[MrMoon360]

@Rylucero I believe you are missing my point. All you do is judge "righteously" from what I see. Do you EVER seek to restore your fellow man? Or do you wish damnation upon him? Perhaps you have a splinter that needs to be plucked from your eye to see your own faults. Jesus is a Lord of grace and mercy. Also, are you saying things that to magnify the Lord through testimony is vain?

[Rylucero]

@MrMoon Those who are truly led by the Spirit seek after salvation and truth, not soulish intent, earthly desires, or fleshly indulgences. Many chose to seek after their own spirit which is carnal and earthy in nature, for they have no true faith, for they have rejected God’s righteousness, His word, His redemption and in doing so have rejected Christ himself. We are not to follow these ungodly teaching nor should unbelievers or believers be allowed to be misled by these abominations of deceit.

[Rylucero]

@MrMoon360 Soulish intent is found in the power of self-assertion, it is where self is truly the center of every thought, word and action carried out by those who glorify themselves and were human emotion is confused for spirituality. It is found in those who move according to the thoughts, imaginations, plans and visions of their own mind. These are soulish manifestations filled with selfish ambition of the heart that is false to the truth, earthly, unspiritual, soulish, and devilish.

[Rylucero]

@MrMoon360 True prophets of God think upon those things which are true, honest, just, pure, lovely and of good report, not upon vain things that lead to sin and Idolatry. The metaphysical laws that he promotes ignore the true attributes of God, His Divine Charter and Nature. Jeremiah 23:16 This is what the LORD Almighty says: "Do not listen to what the prophets are prophesying to you; they fill you with false hopes. They speak visions from their own minds, not from the mouth of the LORD.

[MrMoon360]

@Rylucero Manifestation of the things we believe in faith for God to do bring Him glory. I believe you're applying your scripture wrong to this man.

[Rylucero]

@MrMoon360 They are those who mislead many with false manifestations of the Holy Spirit that are idolatrous in nature and that are given to pacify the flesh of men who subscribe to doctrines of devils such as Positive Confession, Success Thinking, the Law of Attraction, Visualization, and Positive Thinking that must be revealed. While faith in God is to be to His glory, much of which is seen today is more to do with a spirit of idolatry, and arrogance that caters to the carnal nature of men.

[Rylucero]

@MrMoon360 True attributes of the Holy Spirit are gifts of the Spirit such as wisdom, understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety, and fear of the Lord. They along with love, joy and peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and temperance are attributes as well as manifestations of the fruits of the Spirit. This fruit pertains to those who profess to be believers and who speak the word of God that is conceived in their heart and that is based on scripture and truth.

[Rylucero]

@M The vanity of men who heed not the truth, for they have become wise in their own eyes, who claim to be followers of Jesus Christ, who claim to be called to speak for God and be His messenger, yet who teach doctrines taught by devils. God will speak to the hearts of men concerning delusion and salvation but disobedient men will have no desire to listen. We are called not only to be made aware of His manifestation, but to accept His authority, believe in Him, trust in Him, and to do His will.

[Rylucero]

@MrMoon360 The truth of God is narrow, as is the number of those who truly accept His gift of salvation and are given eternal life. The bible states, Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and NARROW is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. (Matthew 7:13-14)

[Rylucero]

The quotable false Prophet Joel Osteen, “I believe one of the main ways that we grow in favor is by declaring it. It’s not enough to just read it it’s not enough to just believe it. You’ve got to speak it out. Your words have creative power. And one of the primary ways we release our faith is through our words. And there is a divine connection between you declaring God’s favor and you seeing God’s favor manifest in your life. You’ve got to give life to your faith by speaking it out.”

[MrMoon360]

@Rylucero Are we not made in God's image? As God creates using His Word, so shall his children, no? Be careful when deciding to name false prophets. Especially if they serve God with a true heart.

[Rylucero]

@MrMoo God does know our heart and the bible says regarding it that, The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked, who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9. So there is nothing as abominably wicked and deceitful as the human heart. Those who claim to be servants of God are commanded to speak of this wickedness and deceit and to warn of the ramifications of it that leads many to hopeless separation in eternal torment.

[MrMoon360]

@Rylucero 2:51 That right there is key. I hope you do not deny such a prayer.

[Rylucero]

@MrMoo Those who have a heart for God, who seek after His heart, walk in His statutes and keep His judgments. The heart of a godly man cannot be found in the false teaching, carnality, depravity and materialism of this world but in the Lord himself who is the true desire of the heart. He is the desire of the heart, He is the reward that we seek, and He is the one whom we yearn for. Examine me, O LORD, and prove me; try my reins and my heart. Psalms 26:2.We are to submit to His will, not our own.

[MrMoon360]

@Rylucero I do not deny the true Word of scriptures. I only hope that with your extensive knowledge of the Word due to study and your power through the Holy Spirit(presuming you have Him) ,that you might recognize the spiritual weight that a pastor must carry.Consider these things when you pray for him(which I also presume you do, is pray). The unsaved do not need to see false prophets 'exposed', if you understand what I mean. Only the Word that saves and convicts. This should be more discrete.

[Rylucero]

@MrMoon360 It is through faith that God changes the heart and molds the mind of the believer so that true faith and right actions may flow from the heart. Those who speak vain repetitive heathenistic devotions speak not the language of the heart, but rather one of empty babble, and soulish intent. It is God that knows the heart, which He says is abominably wicked and deceitful. These false teaching fulfill the craving of the human heart with all of its depravity and carnality.

[MrMoon360]

@Rylucero Who are you to judge this man's heart? AND if you are to see wrong in his heart, to persecute this man of God on Youtube is not His (God's) will. You are to pray for him and restore him. We are supposed to KEEP each other as Christians, not tear each other down. The world mocks us for this. Squabbling like children when there's souls to be won.

[Rylucero]

@MrMoon360 You misspeak, man with the assistance of the Holy Spirit, is able to hear God's words and proclaim His judgments righteously by testing the spirit to see if it is from God and His Word the bible. Although God alone is the Judge of all, this does not mean that only God can judge, God does enable man to judge righteously, He commands man to judge righteously, and He is pleased with those who seek to judge righteously.

[Rylucero]

@MrMoon360 There are many scriptures that speak of righteous judgment by those who hear God’s words and pronounce His judgments based on truth, Leviticus 19:15; Deuteronomy 1:16; Deuteronomy 16:18; Judges 2:16-19; 2 Chronicles 19:5; Ezra 7:25; Isaiah 1:17; Ezekiel 23:45; Romans 2:27; 1st Corinthians 2:15; and 1st Kings 3:9. "Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.” John 7:24.

[Rylucero]

@MrMoon360 God has given to men who obey Him the authority to judge righteously, Take heed what ye do: for ye judge not for man, but for the LORD, who is with you in the judgment.", 2 Chronicles 19:6 "Thus saith the LORD of hosts; If thou wilt walk in my ways, and if thou wilt keep my charge, then thou shalt also judge my house, and shalt also keep my courts, and I will give thee places to walk among these that stand by." Zechariah 3:7

[Rylucero]

The quotable false Prophet Joel Osteen “There’s power in what you visualize,” “take a few moments each day to visualize things you want in your life so God can bring them to pass He then tells a story about a coach and his team “Close your eyes and envision winning the game”, “they produced exactly what they saw.” You must conceive it in your heart and mind before you can receive it.” This form of Creative Visualization is nothing more than an occultic technique.

[Rylucero]

The quotable false Prophet Joel Osteen speaks,” Joel that sounds like wishful thinking. No, that's using your words to create what you need. You can cancel out God's best plan by speaking negative words. You can change your world by simply changing your words. You can use words to bless your life or curse your life. Start calling in victory. Start calling in divine health. Start calling in abundance. You can prophesize your future.You may have sickness in your body; you need to call in health.”

[Rylucero]

The quotable false Prophet Joel Osteen “There’s power in what you visualize,” “take a few moments each day to visualize things you want in your life so God can bring them to pass He then tells a story about a coach and his team “Close your eyes and envision winning the game”, “they produced exactly what they saw.” You must conceive it in your heart and mind before you can receive it.” This form of Creative Visualization is nothing more than an occultic technique.

[shiroisan87]

this guy IS the joke. he preaches for a hour and never mentions anything in the bible. he's a motivational speaker.

[naisammon]

Why does E.T. love Reeses Pieces?

Because on his planet they are filled with come.

[JESUStheATHEIST1]

why did the chicken cross the road?

to get to the other side.

ha ha ha

[rapeAjuicebox483]

@as276152 ...no

[waynegm777]

Hellbound Joel

[johnbushell]

no but if you look into the mirror you will

[bohemianwriter1]

@as276152

A little like Gollum maybe. Or Grima Wormtongue perhaps. :-)

[MegaBIBILICIOUS]

whether Joel is a false or true P thats for God to judge! Christianity is personal up to you how you deal with it.

[johnbushell]

well said

[Rylucero]

The love, and encouragement that Joel Osteen speaks of has more to do with appeaseing ones own selfish desires, that caters to the desires of the flesh then it does in setting our minds on the things of God. We are called to challenge Joel Osteen in regard to his erroneous teachings, to defend a heretic like Joel Osteen would only lend credibility to his heresies, and imperil many souls that are destroyed by it. Joel Osteen stands convicted of heresy by Gods standard and Word, not mine.

[dizawnofwizar]

Atheists don't have selfish desires... beyond what is natural anyway.

oh, and 'conquerer' is a good term for religious people

[karimmadueno]

Who are called? Who is we?

[Rylucero]

Those of us who are called by God to reveal False Prophets and their heretical teaching!

[tinyrican91]

.... Huh?!????.... what are you talking about? whats wrong with Joel Osteen?

[Rylucero]

Joel Osteen is a false prophet because he has no desire to preach earnestly about sin, condemnation, Hell and Gods judgment. He speaks not of the ramifications of sin, which not only leads to separation of body, soul, and spirit from God, but to hopeless separation in eternal torment. The faith that Christ spoke of according to the gospels, Joel Osteen denies by his own words and actions. All false prophets who do not truly repent are condemned and will face Judgment then eternal damnation.

[johnbushell]

its funny other peoples attitude can be ours if we except it, this persons attitude will remain with him as we have a better attitude

[Rylucero]

Joel Osteen as a False Teacher speaks of doing your best, being lifted up and a life filled with enjoyment but I tell you that the Christian life is one not only filled with enjoyment but with many kinds of suffering, fiery trials, afflictions, persecutions and rejection. God will allow us to be tested and sometimes severely tested in this life. We are to suffer so that we have compassion on others, so that we develop patience, and so that we prove our love and loyalty towards God.

[johnbushell]

god says remove the splinter from your own eye first then you can see more clearly, thank god ours are, well done joal.

[Rylucero]

@johnbushell

It is our place as believers to speak the truth regarding condemnation, hell, judgment and sin. Those who are placed in positions of Spiritual Authority such as Joel Osteen and claim to be followers of Jesus Christ are called by God to speak for Him and to be His messenger. A true follower of God would speak of repentance, condemnation, judgment, sin, and eternal torment. These are the things that prophets of God do, but that false prophets such as Joel Osteen do not.

[johnbushell]

You realy do need to move on stop passing your attitude on to others. instead love, forgive and worry about your own salvation. others are not your concern. this will be the end of as got far better things to do with christ.

[Rylucero]

@john

This is not about attitude, but truth. Those who are headed for eternal damnation are my concern! We are not to stand idly by and allow false prophets who lead those who place their trust in men who falsely teach them doctrines of devils and who put into danger their very souls. Joel Osteen has no desire to discuss the ramifications of physical, spiritual, and eternal death that leads not only to separation of body, soul, and spirit from God, but to hopeless separation in eternal torment.

[Nancydrewfan17]

@johnbushell thats right...

[Rylucero]

Christ spoke more of Hell than he did Heaven and he referred to it more than anyone else in the Gospels, approximately 70 times in all. This is an indication of the sincerity he placed regarding Hell and its consequences. Joel Osteen has no desire to preach of Judgment and eternal condemnation in Hell. If Christ considered it worthy of his attention, should not Joel?

[Ray10J]

i think his jokes are funny. its nice to hear good clean humor lol and i love that "stupid stuff" he says at the end

[brownbigb]

that's pretty good stuff, if he just didn't say that stupid shit at the end of the vid about the imaginary friend taking you places

[Wales223]

You can buy the joke book (clean) at the bookstore.

[Alphawaste123456]

i like joel osteen i think is great how he always starts with a joke

[dizawnofwizar]

the whole thing is a joke, let alone start with

[rthom1124]

false man of God he twists the word of God

[hathunt]

I dont know he seems like one of the more reasonable pastors. He doesn't seem to as much hatred built up about minority groups and 21st century trends.

[TheHonestTheist]

/watch?v=fFH0khjgA0U

[ErikWithBrain]

I still don't understand why that last sexist joke is so funny. These women-are-smarter-than-mean jokes are getting REALLY cliche.

[Schonafrye]

I don't think this person gets it.

[brownbigb]

i guess when it's true you don't find it funny lol

[razzer321]

Good humour is envigorating to the soul.

[5idea]

thanks

[rthom1124]

joel osteen is not a man of god he is preaching crap which has no biblical doctrine and when he does use the bible he twists it around and a lot of times its all abt himself and not abt God and he is a false Christian for denying Jesus's words on larry king live and he cant even tell people that jesus died on the cross for our sins he tells them he died to cure their mediocrity and bad habits and to make us financially prosperous in this world when jesus never said that

[sreysaott]

I don't know you, and ask God to forgive your soul. The devil is always seeking to accuse. "judge not fore thou shall be judged."

[Schonafrye]

I think you twist his words. He tells many stories based on his own personal experiences. What in the world is wrong with that? Why are there so many jealous people like you out there anyway?

[romopower1]

Wow! Someone who actually has their own opinion, and their own mind. Not mindlessly following and accepting 'fluff' as gospel! How refreshing! I don't think Joel is purposely trying to mislead people. He is expressing his personal opinion of scripture,his interpertation. That is not inherently 'bad' or 'evil'. However a quote or two from the 'good book' in a half hour sermon seems like a morsel to me,and not nearly enough to satisfy a true 'christian' hunger and or desire. Just MY OPINION.

[NearingZero]

No one mentioned you, fuckhole,funny you felt the need to open your blowhole. Shut your fuckhole and leave people alone.

[NearingZero]

Will someone explain to me why Christians need Joel.Your bible that says you have to go through Jesus to get in heaven. It does not mention Joel,Joyce, Pat are any of the others. But it does mention false prophets. I guess false Christians need false prophets.

[Harleydude2]

No one mentioned that they "needed" Joel. The funny thing in this matter is that you felt the need to show your ass by making your comment. Who the fuck are you to criticize anyone?

Tell ya what shit head...Why dont you leave people alone and let them believe what they want to believe.

[Used2bBlue]

None of the people you mentioned are Christians, they are decievers and are preaching for personal gain and glory. God will judge then according their works. The sad fact is that true christians are a dying breed although they we not disappear.Our numbers have dwindled over the years and now are experiencing a great falling away. Here's the kicker, The bible said all this would happen, even about the false teachers, christ's, damnable heresies,etc. You're not any less accountable to god for it.

[PASCALJOY]

Nothing wrong with theses jokes, I mean i's wonderful! God bless

[DwayneFweep]

Very good. It left me feeling happier, and impressed that the Gospel message was preached.

[Hanserific]

LOL I love how this is set up like a stand up routine then at the end he prayers the sinners' prayer!!

[0nyxBlackman]

Thanks for making me smile.

[bornedinsion]

Beware of "preachers" like joel osteen who make fun of the gospel many people have died for throughout history!!!

People who follow these preachers lack knowledge of the bible!!! PATHETIC!!!

[sreysaott]

I think people are entitle to their belief. If you haven't been there you don't know what it's about.  "judge not fore thou shall be judged."

[XtremaDiva]

ROFL! this was so funny! thank you for posting,... made my day... readers, dont let mean people/non believers ruin your day.. just simply ignore them and remember we are saved.... thank you God!

[piasillo]

HA HAAAA!!! Who writes his jokes? They're great. BTW ... is that Bob Proctor at 2:52?

[bibleCHICKAS]

i have a good joke theres this little girl and shes talkin bout jonah and the whale to the teacher who says its physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human. so the little girl says when i get to heaven ill ask jonah if he really was swallowed by a whale. then the teacher says what if he didn't go to heaven so the little girl says then you can ask him.

[unbelteduser]

lol

[jagexisthedevil]

@bibleCHICKAS That is a good one! This comment is very old but still you deserve to be commended for such a good joke that has really brightened my day.

[AnonymousCommentator]

Sex joke, fat lady joke, evolution joke, magic powers of God...

Laughing like brainwash ignorant.

[Syhano]

lol all of his jokes were funny

[GaryGarrett]

this is great! thanks!

[crazyatheist123]

heres a joke if a white baby comes from a stork and a black baby comes from a crow, where do abortions come from?

a swallow

hahahaha

[Mslaydi]

Crasyatheist123,

Your name sure suits you. You are crazy. But I love it. I must be crazy too.

[gohagb14]

montarome you jealous loser good for three things.

1-nothing

2-nothing

3-nothing

[jmseru]

We can really tell, that your comments come from someone who is hurting in the inside & self-centered. Why don't you allow the Holy Spirit to touch you and within you!

[mintyfreshtoothpaste]

Wow. I find it interesting that their message is "Discover the champion in you", "Be your best self now", etc., but God would have us humble ourselves.

[rafamous]

The Champion in you is Jesus. Your best self is modeled after Christ. Please don't judge when you are misinformed.

[craggles80]

Peter had been on his knees in front of Jesus for a while. Jesus said "blessed are you Peter, for you are blessed, now pray for forgiveness and bloody quickly".

[arcade1942]

jesus can suck my balls

[leokadia333]

You filthy vulgar being.

[studiousgal]

Giggle...really funny!

[joinme90]

2TIMOTHY CHAP4 VERSE 3

3For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears;

[dngl21]

the bear joke was hilarious! this just shows that even clean jokes can be funny...yeah!

[couttsjajr]

My mother used to call and share these jokes with me,,, Now I watch Joel every week. God Bless Joel and his church

[SSSC07]

i like it so much! keep it up!

God Bless!