Dan Savage's Thoughts on Polyamorous Relationships

[fluffynelly]

I find that intimacy is a lot easier with a multiple people when your "price of admission" isn't so high When you realize that the things you want from someone else are actually things you can find in yourself. 

[JovialJewels]

I know a poly couple who has been together for 4 years so far, so it is VERY hard but possible

[Lemonz1989]

People always call each other bigots etc. for when gay people are "against" something or whatever, like gay people should be the most accepting of all. Just because you don't think it works, doesn't mean you are against it.

Like I personally would never have a polyamorous relationship, but that doesn't mean I'm against others doing it.

[vans4menu]

polyamory is supposed to be the solution to the 'lasting relationship' ideal that monogamy presents. Logically no relationship, no matter how many partners are involved will last 'till death do us part'. This is why marriage and polyamory do not mix. TO be polyamorous is to reject marriage, acknowledging it as a failed institution of culture and tradition. Everyone else is simply trying to compromise polyamory with monogamy, and it simply doesn't work when there is no change in the ethics of it

[Elithrae]

@vans4menu Wow. Um, no. Not even close. First of all, many relationships (both polyamorous and monogamous) do, in fact, last until "death do us part". Does that mean that they all will? No. But it IS possible.

And Marriage and Polyamory are not opposites. Embracing polyamory doesn't mean that you reject marriage. It doesn't even mean that reject monogamy. It just means that you live your life different and embrace a different type of love. Not all of us think in such black and white terms.

[vans4menu]

@Elithrae

Sure i guess you can be polyamorous and not think anything bad about monogamy or marriage, but these things are tied for me. Marriage is by nature a possessive and selfish experience that fosters negative emotions like jealousy all too easily. How does that work w/ polyamory?? Do you see the contradiction there? Polymory is of being, as an individual, equally open to all the world at all times. just follow the logic...

[equinette1987]

0:50 to end: For an alternate message, mute and watch Dan Savage's right hand demonstrate how to screw in a light bulb!

[iowntwocats]

@equinette1987 I'm smoking some bud and your comment made me laugh and I blew the bowl into my eyes lol, thanks a lot

[aaronjsherman]

The real question when you ask, "do poly relationships work," is whether or not you count a poly relationship that devolves to a couple successful. I was in a poly relationship that successfully became a devoted couple with a life-long friend. I don't think of that as failure, and I'd do it again.

[MotherLodeBeth]

Know a number of poly folks who have been together for decades, they just arent in your face about it. Often wonder how many divorces we would have if instead of cheating couples could agree to some serious ground rules as poly requires, where you dont flaunt it, but you have a relationship with another person akin to how so many Europeans do. Live and let live, but be honest and adults.

[MotherLodeBeth]

Know a number of poly folks who have been together for decades, they just arent in your face about it. Often wonder how many divorces we would have if instead of cheating couples could agree to some serious ground rules as poly requires, where you dont flaunt it, but you have a relationship with another person akin to how so many Europeans do. Live and let live, but be honest and adults.

[darkwhitedirewolf]

I believe that the success/failure rate is the same as monos. True it is more complex in poly, but you have the help of co-spouses. You do not rely on one spouse to be all you need, therefore less likely to resent a spouse, because your needs are met openly and honestly. Being open, honest and self-aware is necessary to have any human relationship, not just poly.

[flanstar]

To everyone that is harshing on Dan: Would every single poly relationship have to fail in order for his view to be valid? He admits that it's a generalization based on his experience only...almost by definition there will be exceptions and things that he hasn't seen.

[jskelley714]

Sorry Dan. We have two anniversarie: 16 and 10 years. You're welcome to attend our next anniversary.

[BassBOY0GIRL]

@Datan0de

He did not deny that they can be succesful, he just says that its uncommon

[Datan0de]

Yes, Dan, that's an asshole thing to say. It may be a true statement, but it carries with it an implication that's flat-out wrong. The fact that you haven't personally seen long-term stable poly relationships does not in any way invalidate the simple fact that they exist. I'm in one myself, and am friends with people in multiple others. 3 years? Pffft. That's nothing. One stable poly relationship I know is now raising GRANDchildren!

[dmerrill]

I am in a poly relationship for 10 years in August. Just so you know that yes, poly relationships can last. But they take more maturity, communication skills, and just hard work than a coupling.

[AlexDino001]

Dan Savage has a cool rock star name.

[pigsrings]

ummm people, polyamorous relationships does not mean threesomes. why do you even think of the topic of bisexuality?

[IMSaura]

@pigsrings ummm pigsrings, threesomes/triads are one of the possibilities in polyamory. 

[pigsrings]

@IMSaura yes i guess it could be a 'possibility', but threesomes do not mean polyamorous, threesomes are an entirely different subject all together.

[IMSaura]

@pigsrings Again I have to beg to differ, as I am in a permanent threesome (polyamorous) relationship. Now if you're talking about a one-time threesome, yes that's different.

[PixySix]

Oh, Dan, I love how your brain works. He is the only advice guru that I trust 100%

[feythinsane]

Who throws a party for a three year anniversary?

[MrRedFredSaid]

@feythinsane - you're missing the point. He's simply saying that in his experience, polyamorous relationships don't last three years.

[adhdboy699]

Not all bisexuals are Poly(for the few who seem to think they are

[sillykatz]

@adhdboy699 true, bisexual and totally monogamous! but he said there are straights and gays that are, he never mentions bis, which i'm glad to be honest!

[NatDemUK]

A Bisexual relationship would definitely be polyamorous! What if it is a threesome where all three are in love with each other rather than one person shared between two non-lovers?

[CambridgeHeights]

I've been in a poly relationship for 10 years now. It works out quite well for me and my seven wives.

[MattBurnerHopkins]

I caught n STD after my first try & my non-lesbo friend is now being forced into sex, having her money spent, having to support her out of work husband, and not allowed to see me because I am "poison".

[eljagg01]

@dolan008 Spirits. lulz.

[poehead]

@dolan008 Great I don't care what ONE guy said 2000 years ago.

[dsexton1055]

@dolan008 The spirit of god (actually god didnt write the bible. disciples did but thats another debate...) also said its wrong to be gay.

Wait... god (again disciples) said man is made in gods image (extend that to women if you will) so how can it be wrong to be gay/lesbian?

What you read in the bible has strong influences from changes made by King James as well as personal influences from the original creators. Stop quoting the bible. Its a horribly inaccurate account of the past...

[RavenBlackwing09]

@dolan008 I love it when people mention free will then turn round and say but if you go against God's 'rule's' then you're in trouble. It's not free then is it! Oh you can have free will as long as you do what I say? You can have God's unconditional love as long as you follow His rules etc. Um thats a condition. It's like pick one, He's either loving us despite what we choose, who we are (free) or he's going to punish us if we do it wrong (not free) But thats ok we're forgiven anyway.

[RavenBlackwing09]

@dolan008 I'm sure my four children will find that comment hysterical. I never said I was gay

[RavenBlackwing09]

@dolan008 Youtube is a gay site!!!! WTF why did no one tell me?????????? OMG.

You make me feel sad, there's so much hate in you

[Fishqueen1972]

@dolan008 I believe that The Bible was written by people. Not God. There is no proof that the Bible is the word of God. This just isn't a fact. You believe the Bible is the word of God. Belief in something is different than a substantiated fact. First, you have to ask yourself why you care what two consenting adults do in bed. It does not affect you in the least bit.

[misterdeadly1]

@dolan008 What you call Scripture, I call mythology. You are welcome to believe whatever nonsense you like, but your bronze-age myths are absolutely irrelevant and meaningless to me. You may as well be quoting from Zeus or Odin or Santa Claus, who are all exactly as 'real' as God or the Holy Spirit.

[SaruCharmed]

Hey some people can just handle that stuff. It works for some people. I myself prefer monogamy, because I like the idea of complete intimacy with the person that no one else knows, but the idea of a polyamorous relationship also sounds very interesting and not something that I'd be adverse to trying.

[FIGHTFANNERD3]

this guy is full of crap he's an idiot

[EllysaE]

... wait you know what I hate it. Absolutely hate it. What makes you think you're entitled to more than one partner ... If you want more they have to have more too. Only fair right.

[oxIJMxo]

@EllysaE Some are hard-wired for monogamy. Some are not. In either case you're not exempt from challenges. It has nothing to do with feeling 'entitled'; I think it takes great courage to be able to acknowledge that you are able to love more than one person at a time and to share that with your partner. I imagine it's scary, not knowing what the reaction will be.

[EllysaE]

@oxIJMxo courage ... or ego.

[EllysaE]

I would rather be alone than share. That's just me.

[dfctomm]

I really don't care about gays, but polygamy is the society destroyer. Don't believe me then google lost boys and polygamy, and try to imagine what would happen if young men were turned out on a national level simply because they were competition for women. What will you do with an army of young unattached men, or better yet ask what they will do.

[dfctomm]

@dfctomm Perhaps this is how societies end. The one loses sight of their responsibility to the whole and becomes completely obsessed with what they want with no concern about how their actions effect the outside world. If that's you then don't be surprised one day if you flip the switch and the lights don't come on.

[Doodle1Bean]

@dfctomm You were correct by writing "Perhaps" because societies don't end that way.

If polyamorous folks aren't hurting anybody, more power to them. They'll be happier and will actually do their jobs better.

In the meantime, mind your own business!

[roadsideflowers]

@dfctomm Then comes in the polyandry :) I think I could handle both a man and a woman :)

[julietw1]

Talk to me polys. Dan is not a bigot nor is he dismissing poly. He's just saying it takes so much time and dedication to build one relationship he doesn't see how you can do it with 3 or 4 people simultaneously. He even concedes it might be his own shortcoming. But really, how DO you do it? How do you find the time? And please don't jump down my throat for the next question, or do, whatever. Is this lifestyle for people that just need constant intellectual stimulation?

[HOPSCOTCHPIRATE]

@julietw1 I would highly recommend posting this in a PostSecret chatroom. You will most likely get more feedback, and probably a friendlier environment to have a conversation in! people are very open and thorough in their responses. Hope it helps. 

[RavenBlackwing09]

@dolan008 and yet you are the one posting the most

[lifeisasong]

yay middle class values! hooray for patriarchy and a life of unhappiness and unfufillment! love this shit!

[EllysaE]

@lifeisasong ?

[xxxriotxxx]

It doesn't seem like he's dismissing the entire "lifestyle", as much as pretty much admitting in his own dickish way that he has no idea how to give advice on the topic.

[henrygoat1]

i ate a salad

[misterdeadly1]

Dan is not being a bigot, he's being honest to his experience and observation.

[misterdeadly1]

@dolan008 Not that there's anything wrong with it, but I'm not gay. I do believe in equality for all under the law, which of course means I favor full civil rights for gays--including the right to marry and to serve only.

As for your incoherent taunting and ranting, if you think you are a good spokesman for Christianity, you are sadly deluded. Your bigotry just makes you sound ignorant and hateful. Besides, fixating on imaginary gay boogeymen is strong evidence of latent homosexuality.

[DJcaliban]

Polyamory is a term also applied to open relationships. MANY people identify as poly who are not in three way relationships - they just date others on the side.

[Chameleonizer]

♫I never hurt anyone, I never listen at all♫

lol

[cryptsub]

Never thought of Dan Savage as a 'dick' before - his dismissal of my "lifestyle" is utterly ignorant.

[JorethInnkeeper]

@cryptsub He's always been a "dick", but sometimes that's what people really need to hear because they need a good kick in the pants, and I usually like him for it. But sometimes, it's just being a "dick".

[cryptsub]

@JorethInnkeeper Some people do need a kick in the ass, but I'm not one of them. DS is pretty entertaining and informative otherwise, but he's off-base here...

[JorethInnkeeper]

@cryptsub agreed

[2010chiTOWN]

to everyone who says im INCORRECT>>>>LOOK THE DAMN WORD UP IN THE DICTIONARY AND IT DOESNT EXIST!!!!!!!! ITSPOLYMEROUS

[JorethInnkeeper]

@2010chiTOWN You're just a moron. The damn word is polyAmorous, coined by Morning Glory Zell in 1990 in her article "A Bouquet Of Lovers", published in their magazine (technically, the used the word poly-amorous). It was then used by Jennifer Wesp in alt.polyamory newsgroup and Morning Glory's definition is currently the one used in the Oxford Dictionary, the first dictionary to include the word.

[JorethInnkeeper]

@2010chiTOWN You are probably referring to a word used in botony, which means "many parts or segments". This has nothing to do with this video, therefore you are definitely incorrect in your pronunciation of the word, since we are not talking about botony, we are talking about poly-amory, which uses an entirely different root.

You can see dictionary definitions if you put joreth dot before livejournal and then the usual ending for websites & look for the entry "More Fun With YouTube"

[2010chiTOWN]

for the word is NOT pronounced poly amory, its actually POLYMEROUS!!!!!!!!!! (puh-lim-er-uhs) That is the CORRECT spelling and pronunciation of the word.

[videlsd]

@2010chiTOWN You're a dumbfuck. 

[JorethInnkeeper]

@2010chiTOWN You are incorrect. The "a" is a required letter in the word, since "amorous", from which the word is derived, means "love" and "merous" does not exist. It is pronounced poly-amory. In fact, the very first use of the word did actually hyphenate it as such.

[owlcu]

The biggest problem with human sexuality is that we have a concept of "tomorrow", while the rest of the animal kingdom (yes, we're animals too) just lives in the moment. Dogs don't give a fuck about next week. We, on the other hand, can see quite clearly the vacation we'll be taking in Europe three months from now, with all the hot babes/guys available to us despite the relationship we're in. Everyone lies, and we wonder why life gets complicated. Look your mate in the eye and shut the fuck up.

[Irishglen6]

My earliest relationships were with women, proceeding into mid-twenties, to late forties mostly with men. My longest monogamous relationship, (30 years) was with another man. "casual" sex with either a man or woman holds little interest, I find them boring and flaccid. While I won't live to see it, I think Bisexuality is worthy of consideration for anyone who has considered it. A Bisexual humanity would reduce hate crimes, self hatred ( which leads to sociopathic behavior.) Try it!

[lyadmilo]

You can't try it if you are straight or gay. I am bisexual, and I will be the first to say being bi is a sexual orientation, not a choice, not a higher bloody calling. I am into chicks and into dudes, not into "the person" or whatever hippie new age bs holier than thou bi people spout. I like boobs and I like dicks, I pussy and I like rock hard pecs. Also the people those things are attached to, but still, bisexuality is a sexuality, not a social doctrine.

[queenofmecicine13]

@lyadmilo This. So much. "I love the person, not the gender." Bullshit. They're calling it pansexuality now, when you're into "all" genders. And honestly?

People need to get over themselves.

I'd go into more detail but it really has nothing to do with the video, so.

Society is just too close-minded. You're either into guys or girls, you have to be in a monoamorous relationship, this or that, this or that. Such black-and-white thinking is depressing, seriously.

[videlsd]

@queenofmecicine13 Look at my comment in response to lyadmilo.

[videlsd]

@lyadmilo I think you guys are missing something. Thing of asexual people. Yes, they exist, whether it's a disorder or not. Now, what if those people felt EMOTIONAL attraction to whatever gender, without SEXUAL attraction to either specific gender? Is that not "loving someone for who they are independently of their gender"? I am bisexual as well, don't get me wrong, but time has taught me sexualities don't just come in 3 different options either. Think about it, let me know what you think.

[dragongal8813]

@lyadmilo I can only agree with you up to a point, since I am also bisexual. In most poly relationships that I have heard of that yes one person needs to be bi to make it work. However, not all poly relationships need to have a bi person to make them work. Poly has so many variations that it really depends on the individuals involved. I have heard of a poly relationship where all members were straight before, so please keep in mind that Poly is very individual at its core.

[jaxxon911]

@lyadmilo --------Agreed---------

[Irishglen6]

I agree with Dan on a number of his points, I disagree as well. First off, bisexuality as a "phase". This is absurd. At a youthful 62 years of age, my love and sexual experience's while ever evolving, has no linear measure that would indicate that "preference" becomes more complex with understanding, sophistication, and close self examination. "Polymoury" has nothing whatsoever to do with preference and is a different subject altogether, personally I prefer monogamy. (continued...)

[JadenTheCoolGuy]

@Irishglen6 No dumbass, he said to "many people bisexuality is a phase". He acknowledged that bisexuality DOES exist.

[axon888]

ive known people who are poly and read about them - they dont do drugs, they are almost always vegan, atheists, and mostly anarchists. but they are hooked on a drug, and its called dopamine. thats why their relationships dont last - serial polyamory/

[FIGHTFANNERD3]

lol shut up gods not real

[JorethInnkeeper]

@axon888 Not vegan, not hooked on dopamine, and my relationships have lasted. How about I try insulting you by saying "I've known people who are monogamous & read about them - they smoke, drink, eat mean, are overly religious, and are so terribly insecure they have to hold onto their partners even when they're not happy because they think there won't be anything else out there".

To generalize like that based on personal experience & not stats is just as wrong & insulting as when you did it.

[axon888]

@JorethInnkeeper it doesn't bother me because your statement is true, generally speaking. As far as I am concerned, people are psychotic on both sides.

[JorethInnkeeper]

@axon888 Then address only the psychotics and do not generalize the rest of us into the same category.

[axon888]

@JorethInnkeeper quit trying to control my thinking. the way you are responding to comments here is emotionally abusive.

[JorethInnkeeper]

@axon888 If this is what you think abusive is, you're in for some harsh realities if you continue to use the internet. I can show you abusive if you'd like, but if you notice, I used no cussing, no name calling, and no shouting. What I did was to ask you to stop insulting ME and others like me. Asking to not be insulted is not abusive, and calling it so is disrespectful of everyone who has ever been legitimately abused. Grow up.

[axon888]

@JorethInnkeeper so, what you are saying is that you are not at least one of the following: atheist, vegan, or anarchist? and that emotionally abusing people necessitates swearing, name calling or shouting? all you do on this thread is look for places to make yourself feel superior to others. you don't convince anyone poly is good, you convince people poly are assholes.

[JorethInnkeeper]

@axon888 If you had better reading comprehension, you would see I already answered that question. If you wanted statistics, the vast majority of poly people are actually pagan, not atheist. I was raised Catholic, and we have quite an active poly-Christian community here.

Emotionally abuse is a serious condition that many people suffer from daily, and it does not include requesting that someone who thinks it's acceptable to stereotype and insult people stop behaving poorly.

[dmbdmbdmbdmbdmb]

I like being poly because it is too easy for me to overadapt to another person. I can better keep my center by relating intimately to more than one.

And can someone explain to me why polyamory has become synonymous with secular polygamy? In my opinion, based on a reductionist definition, the polyamorous don't really have triads - they have an occasional threesome. The whole point is to set your partners free, to let them love. I would be mortified to be drawn into a relationship pentagon.

[Froggy711]

Well, by definition polyamorous people can indeed have triads:

Polyamory: participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships.

The main difference between polyamory and polygamy is marriage.

Polygamy: the practice or condition of having more than one spouse, esp. wife, at one time.

I think it is easy to see how the two terms can be intertwined.

[willdbrtn]

Who knew poly people were so defensive? I understand being upset at being under-represented and discriminated against (I know what being "the other" is like, in more ways than one) but based on the comments here you'd think that polygamy and monogamy were two sides of the same coin, rather than wide extremes on a continuum. My partner and I are not monogamous and nor are we polyamorous, and neither is Dan Savage and his. I think that LTRs are great, regardless of how many people participate.

[troyrthayne]

complication is often best reserved only for intelligent people good fucking luck to you also with your narrow view of relationships monogamy is over rated and 30% cheat and 50% divorce wow that is simple:) maybe you can understand numbers they are simple and non debatable.

[axon888]

wait until poly statistics come out, i bet its the same.

[axon888]

the same as mono statistics that is.

[JorethInnkeeper]

@axon888 It doesn't matter of the poly stats are the same as mono stats. Mono people keep trying even with the high failure rate, why should poly r'ships be held to a higher standard? The point is that relationships aren't one-size-fits-all.

[axon888]

@JorethInnkeeper hard to respond when you are missing so much information and in battle mode.

[indref]

Polyamory works. =]

[Mokurentate]

it works as much as monogamy does actually. same crap results. especially if you feel the need to attach a word to it to make yourself feel less guilty.

[Feather13]

Dan, I love you to death, but most truly Poly folks make it far beyond 3 years...lol. One triad I know is going on 16 years, and another, in Seattle is going on 12, and they're a quad. Myself, my last triad went for 4 and ended not because of Poly issues but because of bad judgement on the part of one of the girls.

Other than that, you are great and keep going! The world needs more folks willing to speak their minds like you do in a public forum.

[poopydoolarroo]

you are a fucking perverted retard !

your kind is total scum with no respect for youself !

[kebnabi]

Yawn. You know what's really vile? Bigots.

[MasterFalloutVidmakr]

your as dogmatic as you are dumb. There is Nothing politically correct about poly. you shoot yourself in the foot if you want to present an reasoned argument by your "vile gay" comment.

[AsheIsTheRaven]

You no whats vile? Idiots like you

You know what really vile? Hateful idiots like you

[JorethInnkeeper]

I've been in my poly relationship for5 years, and I have a good friend who has been married to her husbands for 27 and 26 years and another good friend who has been married to his wife for 15 years and their girlfriend has lived with them for 8 years.

Meanwhile, my parents are the only monogamous people I know who made it past their 10 year anniversary.

Should I then extrapolate that monogamy is unlikely to succeed? Oh wait, the 50% divorce rate says so.

[MichaelnChristine]

@JorethInnkeeper You've never met a married couple who have been together great then 10 years? You must be 18-19. Didn't you have grandparents?

[JorethInnkeeper]

@MichaelnChristine My grandparents are divorced, and I passed age 18 a long time ago. Way to be condescending there. Should I assume you are still a teenager since you haven't learned yet that you do not know it all?

[MichaelnChristine]

You can make any assumptions you want. If you are asking me if your assumptions are correct that is a different issue. Frankly, you either don't get out much or are lying to make your opinion more interesting. This idea that someone can know hundreds of couples (which any adult must) and none have made it to year 10 is completely bogus. 250m adults, if half don't get married that still leave 125m, if half the couples get divorced that is almost 40million couples who you've never met.

[JorethInnkeeper]

@MichaelnChristine The point, since you continue to miss it, is that I am *not* making assumptions about your relationship or about all monogamous relationships based on my personal experience. I maintain that monogamy is not ALL bad just because about half of mono marriages end in divorce. You, however, are making all sorts of assumptions about me, such as age & experience, simply because I do not fit into your preconceived notion of how people should be.

[videlsd]

@JorethInnkeeper I see your point, but then again there isn't a statistical number on "divorce" of polyamorous partners, so you can't use that argument.

That's one awesome and odd world you live in!

[JorethInnkeeper]

@videlsd There are not statistics on "divorce" of poly people, true, because polygamy is illegal, but there are statistics on poly relationships. All of them suggest that poly families are no more likely to be unhappy, "unsuccessful", or end earlier than mono r'ships & poly people are no more emotionally dysfunctional than mono people

[JorethInnkeeper]

@videlsd My point was that he was not using statistics, he was using personal anecdote to extrapolate a conclusive statement about all poly relationships, and if I were to do the reverse, it would not be acceptable. However, I *do* have stats on mono r'ships & the outcome is not as high as the standard mono people set for poly r'ships.

[videlsd]

@JorethInnkeeper That's very interesting. I've never looked into poly relationships, but i'm much like Dan on this one... I have enough troubles with ONE person; seriously, relationships are HARD! I'll pass...

Like he said though, it might just be "my own shortcomings".

[obaeyens]

@videlsd

". I have enough troubles with ONE person; seriously, relationships are HARD!"

Ohhh I can agree on this, relationships are very hard and having multiple partners makes it exponentially harder. But the key to polyamory is communication, communication and communication and be very open to all your partners.

Also you do not start with a second partner if you cannot handle one. Rarely I see a poly person have more than 1 additional partner.

[gibblets17]

@JorethInnkeeper don't you ever find yourself jealous? i couldn't stand the thought of the women i love being with another partner. is there ever any competition or argument over affection? in the realm of fuck you you treat me like shit compared to so and so? do you find it hard to be there emotionally and physically for multiple partners? and do you ever find that you love one person emotional and the other relationship is just physical? i know i kinda rapid fired them but im pretty curious!

[JorethInnkeeper]

@gibblets17 I have been envious but I'm not much prone to jealous. Having strong, secure r'ships & being secure in myself makes jealousy difficult to put down roots. I hear there are some who have issues w/jealousy, but the people in my family do not view each other as rivals, we view each others as family & partners, so we don't compete or argue over affection. It's no more difficult to be there emotionally for multiple partners as it is for multiple kids/friends/bio-family.

[JorethInnkeeper]

@gibblets17 Not all r'ships have the same level of emotional intensity, but that's OK. Part of the point of being poly is to explore and experience love in whatever its natural form is and they are all equally *valuable* even when they have different structures. That's also kinda the point, the differences make them unique & that's why no one is a rival - no one can take anyone's place cuz they're all unique & valuable for their uniqueness.

[JorethInnkeeper]

@gibblets17 I have a website where you can learn more & contact me for a more in-depth conversation if you're really curious - even if you don't want to be poly yourself but just want to know more about it. YT is really a poor medium for a discussion about something this complex & nuanced. Unfortunately, YT won't let me put my website in comments but it's in my YT profile.

[obaeyens]

@gibblets17

"i couldn't stand the thought of the women i love being with another partner."

I do not live in fear of scarcity. I do not live in fear that my GF will find a better guy or that I get less attention. All I want is that my GF is happy and joyful. When she comes back then she carries this joyful energy back to me and that is what I love.

But communication is very important, she will not go if she sees me that I need her more at that moment.

[gibblets17]

@obaeyens when im with a women its because i love her. im not talking. because she makes me feel good. not because shes happy. not because shes the right girl. but because im bat shit insane head over heels in love with her. i dont play games and just go around with anyone. im jealous greedy and don't want anyone else to have her. if shes not willing to be with me and me alone ill move on. i wont hold a women down. if she wants another man all she has to do is tell me and i will leave simple.

[obaeyens]

@gibblets17

". im jealous greedy and don't want anyone else to have her."

This is the thing I am lacking, jealousy. I never understood that concept.

The other thing is that I also have this ability be madly insane in love with 2 people at once.

Polyamory is not about playing games, it is truly loving someone. Love is the driving force, not sex.

[henrygoat1]

@obaeyens this guy needs a pizza

[FIGHTFANNERD3]

@JorethInnkeeper  indeed

[Ravayen]

@JorethInnkeeper It's nice to hear a success story my friend too many break up stories are depressing you should really share some of your trials and the ways you work through them on the poly/trinogamy forums online to help/support other polys :)

[JorethInnkeeper]

@Ravayen Actually, I do share my stories on poly forums, and on my website, my LJ, my Twitter, and as one of the co-hosts for the podcast Polyamory Weekly. I am not allowed to post URLs in the comments, so I'm afraid you'll just have to look me up. I have a link to my website in my profile & you can Google me.

[Ravayen]

@JorethInnkeeper Thnx M8 i'll be sure to google you and look around the forums, it's always nice to have some happy stories on hand to lighten all the problem spotting :)

[brsaunders]

Confusion arises because many conventional people, both gay and straight, have a serious problem with monogamous ("one-MATE") relationships that are not sexually exclusive.

IMNSHO the "true" poly is rare, though it may be great for some. Monogamy without sexual exclusivity is the new "love that has no name," and the "poly" issue is a often used as a distraction from that.

[CaraIain]

it's soooooooo quiet!

[daneboe]

Dan, you rock. I love your perspectives!

[nikki171923]

Nitpicking: Dan's comment addresses only those poly relationships where all partners are co-primary (like, actually share a home). It's much more common (I think) to have one primary partner, and other wonderful and meaningful relationships that don't include cohabiting or even spending a big share of time together.

I live with my primary for more than seven years now -- we've always been poly, and so far it worked flawlessly...

[CalmBlue]

You're not really talking about what is considered to be a true polyamorous relationship, you're talking about an extremely open relationship. Know the difference be fore you complain about it.

[Lynnekilii]

Just because it isn't your poly doesn't mean is isn't *a* version of poly.

[JorethInnkeeper]

@CalmBlue Sorry, but there isn't a One True Way to be polyamorous, and anyone who claims there is just doesn't understand what polyamory is.

[carolj1974]

I think it's honest too. That said, I hope to bring my poly marriage to the three-year point this December, and then far beyond that in the years to come. Oh, and last December we hit our three-year anniversary since we started dating, so that probably breaks his record already.

[Sn00gans]

A very honest and forthright response to a difficult question. His 'assholish' response isn't very assholish, IMO. It's got a lot of truth to it.

[sysiphan]

Saying good luck isn't helpful. I'm in a Poly relationship. YES, it's complicated. But it can work. Communication x 3, sincerity, openness, compassion, and practice. Same things as a monogamous, except even more so. This can actually be a productive situation for people, and it deserves more thought. My relationship has provoked great new growth for us as people & with relationships. I'll let you know if we hit 3 years. 1 down. Hope you address this again after further consideration.

[triMarley]

Thank you so much for being Dan Savage!