Not liking Britany Spears isn't something you do because you're worried about looking gay. It's something you do because you actually have taste in music....;-P
Theres a reason why Im a polytheist cause when someone says something bad about the gay community, you'll need more then one god to hold me back. And I don't do that Forgive and Forget bullshit either. I remember what those bigots did to the gay community. From Mathew Shepard to the Westboro Baptist Church. The Prop 8 to the 7 year old Valentine boy who was killed just for asking some other fucking bastard to be his valentine. From religion to politics.
I didn't care what people think. If they have a problem with me being gay, then thats thier problem, not mine. My attitude was rebellious and mystical. If some homophobe asked me, "Are you some kind of a fucking fairy?" Id clensed my hand to thier face and say, "Yeah, Im the fucking tooth fairy and Im here to collect." Believe me, I gave homophobes a good reason to be phobic. I was a bitch and I wore that title like a cock ring. Be it love or hate, I will get physical.
OMG exactly EXACTLY the same.. judging everything i did.. talking in monotone.. no personality.. pretending not to like girl songs, ugh it was awful!!!
we once were driving home from a dinner. in the car were all guys from school. I was like 17. Then they all started like: man, did you saw her. WOW that tits. she looked so hot. the hotest thing ever ! Then they asked me, and I answered like: "Yeah, she was hot" And then they asked: "You know of who we are talking , right?" "Yeah, yeah. I know" Actually I had NO idea. As I came to know it was the waitress, who served us O.O
your acting staight problem was nothing i'v been acting straight my whole life, i have to play sports even in collage, i have to talk about girls and do things with them, i have to dress a way i dont like, talk a way i dont like and not because i want to but just because its exspected of me and im scared to death that someone might find out that i am gay !!!
I can't believe the Americans are so homophobic as you describe them. You've got open gay married couples in your country, a lot of them are on the TV. You've got several states where gay marriages are legal. And yet you were afraid to be gay? Can't believe it.
It's really wierd for me to hear that because you live in America and do a lot of things we -homosexuals in the Arab world- do... I guess that we fear the people around us sometimes but most of the time maybe we're afraid of ourselves more!
It's funny that you mentioned the thing about sports. I remember in grade school, pretty much all of the guys loved hockey and other sports too. I never really cared too much for any sport, but I would pretend to say I loved hockey and had my mom buy me hockey apparel so I looked like a hockey fan. Five years later and I've given up on pretending to care about sports. I do know a few gay people who do like sports though. I think it's ridiculous people associate being gay with not liking sports.
omg I'm exactly the same. I was afraid sooo badly that ppl will find out that I'm gay. I tried to act as straight as possible but u know at some points u can't hide it anymore then ppl start questioning about your sexuality...i'd say just say no and avoid talking to those ppl again....this makes me feel very uncomfortable in making new fds...that's why i don't hv many fds
I was kind of an odd ball that lived this with some minor differences. For some reason before I came out I acted overly flamboyant. Like I wanted to fit the stereotypes but just wanted to defy everybody by denying the obvious lol. It was really odd when I think of it because when I came out the flamboyance faded. I did the exact opposite... I recognized "straight behavior" and made a point to act the opposite.
i hate gays that pretend to be straight, i know at least 3 guys who i know are gay yet they always have their arms around a girl and when they kiss them u can tell there's no passion there, but they just dont hav the balls to admit they like the same sex, wankers, having said that i did go through a phase of making fun of gay people myself [which i no longer do as i am more comfortable with my sexuality]
@BananaSandwich1 I'm not one of them, but have a heart. It's not as easy for certain people to be gay when they have family and friends who would hate them for it. Not everyone is born with a silver dick in their mouth and can just hop around draped in rainbow clothes for all the world to see. Life is different for each person. So if you can't see that, keep your ignorant and closed-minded opinions to yourself you're as bad as any homophobe.
@LooGiLaToR i grew up in a conservative environment, and i am not a camp queen, im very much one of the boys [mostly] it came to a suprise 2 people when they found out bcos of that however u cant go round making urself miserable ur whole life just bcos of what some doofuses think can u? u gotta break out and stand on ur own two feet o to speak, it would be good also if gay guys supported each other a little more rather than being bitchy to each other
@BananaSandwich1 Saying that the guys who have to put on a public "straight" face are cowards is the type of "bitchiness" you're saying we need to do away with. You hate them, you said. What have they done to you? Sure they don't further "the cause" by being stereotypical or out, but its THEIR life. I agree, they shouldnt have to put on a mask - but for some people, it's their only option. You know nothing about their situations - to call them cowardly is ignorance of the highest order.
My fear of coming out is running out of MALE friends. I know girls will always be there, but guys just get too freaky by it. Also, I live in Venezuela, where is a "sin" ot be gay, I wish I was in USA or Europe, people are way more liberal.
I know that thing when you're acting really robotic. I was like that four years ago, and I only realised it in a situation where I was extremely furious, but a freind was like "what, you're angry??? I thought you didn't care at all..."
OH MY GOD! You're describing my life word for word! The paranoia, the judging of your voice, how you act, what you say or where you look. Making up names of girls or panicking when your buddies start talking about sex and chicks.
I'm now a sophomore in college and I AM that monotone robot you described, I realize it more everyday and it really sucks. I only recently came to accept myself as gay and that's made me feel a little better, i'm just not completely comfortable with being gay yet.
I understand your point of view and ive been thought the same ( im from a massive city where no one knows no one but im also from Brazil where the macho man culture is the law ) but be careful that not all straight people are like that,at least not here in Britain ( in my beginning i thought that everybody was gay ) and know straight guys here that are far away more gay acting ( or at least the typical stereotype of it ) than me ! Is getting very hard to categorize someone those days ! lol
Okay so right when you said you became robotic and monotone in your way of speaking, I instantly thought about myself. to cover up my homosexuality as a young teen I would keep my voice low and be very monotone and robotic. of course it's still that way a little bit, but I went through that too.
It was sort of different for me because whenever someone asked me if I liked a girl or not or if I found them hot I would just freeze and not know what to say. It was only after this people started questioning my sexuality - to my face anyway.
I just didn't answer the questions. I didn't respond. I was 'cool' in high school because I am a good artist and musician, so a lot of these situations didn't arise---except with my best friends, of course. That was the nightmare. Eventually, of course, they knew. I couldn't lie, so I just didn't respond. Man, it was hell. When I went to college, I eventually was able to come Out to someone who would be my band mate and best friend...the first person I ever told.
I kept it a secret in highschool cause obviously, I didn't wanna deal with the shit in highschool. But yeah, the easiest way, no matter how mean, is to have a beard. Figuratively. LOL. Get a girl, or two..and people would instantly be like..oh he's straight cause he dated blah. I could still get away with acting gay, even when im dating a girl. And my exes seem to take it lightly when I came out to them.
@UnversedSong I actually feel a lot more comfortable about myself at work since coming out to my coworkers. Some work environments aren't as open-minded though unfortunately.
So how did you get past the "monotone" part of your life. I'm going through that right now and have been for so long it has become part of my personality.
@SillyGayBoy sometimes I feel like I should not come out at all. Mostly because of my religous beliefs. Is that possible. Or is it not a choice. Do I HAVE to come out? Do you know anybody that never did or is that just to much to hold in?
@colinbrianday I always hated the way I sounded when I talked about women like that. I felt like I was outing myself just because it sounded so unnatural!
well i am a tomgirl and never have makeup on i am not spending alot of time doing my hair and i guess i aint dressing very girly. but aint a clear case iether but one girl a beautiful punk rock chick figured out cuz everytime she and i were in the same room i got nervous + that i looked at her and when she was about to look at me...i focused on something else. one day she said do you know shes a faggot to a guy friend.
some random strangers have actually come up to me and asked me if i was gay. i say no but i really wanted to say yes. i'm like semi-out but i still get mad if people come up and ask. i would actually put some swag into my walk or like deepen my voice or something.
OHHH shit not britney spears plz :( everyone knows that I'm crazy about her so that makes me gay for sure ? damn it well I can't act like I hate her, you're so strong for doing this hh
One more thing I'm 15 and I would like to hear what you think is the best time to come out. I know you did it not too too long ago but I know you have powerful insight. So let me know what you think!
@stankiileggs I think it's best to come out when you're able to support yourself financially. But honestly, you'll know when you're ready. There's no rush, so don't pressure yourself into it. There's no right or wrong age to come out.
@stankiileggs I was naive and came out too soon. If I had known how hard it was going to be with my relationship with my parents and my peers I definitely would have kept it to myself longer. It's different for every person and environment though. People's reactions are different and often surprising.
idk, I just was asexual when it came to girls. Although I did have a genuine crush on a girl before I dealt with my gay feelings. I can mainly relate to monitoring your behavior and things because I didn't want people to arrive at it. But when they would mention that I didn't have a girlfriend or want one, they'd ask jokingly and of course I denied I was gay to them. I also hung out with a heavily Christian crowd too so the shame factor was there too
@KindaGayBlog I can understand that. I did have a gf at one time but I broke it off with her, I didn't want to hurt her. I thought it would be terrible to have her hanging on when I couldn't commit to her sexually. I have run across 2 men who have fooled around in their marriages...I refuse to do that!
I'm a bit older & recently realized that I'm gay. I'm coming out to those who are important to me now and it's going well thankfully. Though I didn't consciously hide my sexuality, I look back & see that I was subconsciously hiding myself. I was pretty shy, stayed in the background and never shared much about myself. It was almost like my mind was keeping me on a few seconds delay so it could monitor everything I said/did before it got out. It's taking some time but I like this way much better!
To make people think i was straight god forbid i would pretend to listen to hard rock and screemo. And wear camouflage clothing (terrible wardrobe choice) I also joined all the sports junk and "Jock like" activities.
You pretty much covered everything. Especially the sense of losing one's "personality" or "identity." As much as I feel like I've been pretty much a boring, monotonous, blank slate of a person my entire life, my process of coming out is kind of like coming "into myself." Sometimes it's just small, seemingly stupid things, but it means a lot from my perspective. It's kind of exciting to find out you're not the person you once thought you were.
Around alot of people I'll hide my true personality but with my friends I am my normal self minus them knowing I'm gay. I know what you mean about alot strait guys that make sure they act a certain way to be "manly" , its the same way in my town. Luckily my friends act just as imature as I do when we hang out and they rarely bother me about girls. What did suck is when I had to go to two different bachlor parties. Titty bars are no fun when you're in the closet. And lap dances are even worse.
@shadetree84 ran out of room above.....What I've been doing is avoiding going out anymore out of fear of meeting a single girl and I wont hang out with people that always wanna set me up with someone. Its mainly my friends wifes or girlfriends that are the ones trying to set me up. When I get asked questions about girls I will say "I really don't want a girlfriend" for some reason that usally works. Great video man! It made me think of my friends and how cool they actually are.
to @KindaGayBlog and to anyone else in the closet, when you are/were with the straight guys and they would tease or harm a gay kid, or someone perceived as gay, would you join them so they wouldn't suspect or tease you?
I'm sorry to hear that you were pressured into eliminating any semblance of a personality. I really feel it for you Sam. When I was a teenager I was like that but there where moments that I'd be like be pushed over the edge and I'd just be a very ambiguous guy. Oblivious if anybody thought of me as gay or straight. Most of the time though, I'd make up excuses or divert the gay attention by straight talking especially about girls but never in a totally condescending or over sexualised way.
Awesome video/topic. I agree on everything you said when pretending to be straight specially the music part. I'm also not into sports so what I did to get away with not ever having a girlfriend throughout high school was just pretend I was too busy studying and being all "smart". I had a lot of girl friends but the few guy friends that I had were pretty geeky like me so people just assumed I was a "nerd" and that I couldn't get a girl. 2 girls once ask me if I was gay but I completely denied it.
I pretty much did the same thing as you did when I was in college. I wasn't in to sports at all. I would comment on how hot a girl was and such. There were some people that suspected I was gay, but I never gave them the satisfaction of knowing. Now I have a group of close friends that accept me for me.
Do you ever regret not coming out sooner? I do from time to time. I came out when I was 23.
I have my boyfriend but I pretend to be "straight" and we are "friends"..... and I am affraid of telling my best friends because I feel they wouldn't understand and they would reject me.
So weird hearing you say all this , it sound's like me year's ago , I never made up girl's names or anything, I did date allot but wouldn't have sex with them, I would say "I respect you too much too ruin our relationship to have to have sex, I think we should wait awhile.. and make sure it's right cause I want it to be perfect !"
When you are prestending to be something you are not it always sits in the back of your mind that people can see throgh your mask....We tend to be very homophobic so that people cant see through the mask. Great video...Love that you keep making these kinds of videos.
I kept myself from having friends - this behavior is so much a part of my outlook that I continue to keep from having friends and remain, as much as I can, by myself. At my age, I no longer look forward to my first gay relationship, not because I do not want the experience, but because having someone that close to me, both physically and emotionally would be extremely uncomfortable.
Hi Sam, you know, you really remind me of a friend of mine who literally speaks and acts like you. He too was soo good at acting straight! Saying EXACTLY THE SAME things about girls on parties, only in German.
As for me, the most difficult part when closeted was to keep my mouth shut when other heteros were making really stupid jokes at gays' expense. My hetero acting in those moments amounted to looking down on the floor or just looking away. But I was boiling inside.
I became very monotone as well! I was like a walking corpse with no personality.
One thing I really did a lot was filter my speech. God forbid I get too caught up in a conversation and I possibly let something slip that would make people think I'm gay! It was awful. I hated lying all the time or just not being able to say things.
I'm still not completely out yet, so I still watch what I say a bit. But I dont lie about what I like anymore. Everyone knows I LOVE Lady Gaga xD
I hang out with the "goth" kids because the aren't nearly as judgmental as all the other pricks at my school. The "goths" not only have a hella funny sense of humor but I also began to intimidate the lower- classmen. On the down side my mom thinks I worship Satan because I dress in black and blast heavy music out of my room, so I now have to go to church counseling.
I can relate. Since I am (I think) one generation under you, one thing that was always an issue for me was using the word "Gay" as a word to mean stupid or uncool. Even in early high school when I was still closeted to everyone but my close 1 or 2 friends, I would never use "gay" in a derogatory manner. I'm not sure if I was just being noble and proud, or if just speaking the word out loud would trigger some connection with someone's brain, and they would realize how /gay/ I actually was.
jeez... I very rarely was involved into conversations about girls (since I was hanging out with girls already), so when they were talking about guys, I used to keep veeeeery neutral and casual like "yeah well he's not too ugly". But you're right, talking about girls felt so unnatural X____X I was so vague, and quickly managed to change the subject xD jesus, I'm so glad this is all over, and for you too !
Note : you look better and better with every video =)
I just burst into tears because you are telling my story... This is exactly what I am living right now... Is just so difficult for me, but I know there will come a time when I'll come out of the closet... Thanks for sharing this video!
@SugarInHisBlood Yeah, we're always comparing ourselves the "pinnacle" of masculinity. Very frustrating when you're closeted bc you know you'll never live up to that.
You're hot, and smart. One thing that I hadn't expected was that even after I was out to most people I would still feel quite self conscious about my sexuality - I still get anxious or suneasy talking about being gay to people if I don't know them very well and I always worry about how people judge me and if they can tell that I'm gay before I tell them... I'd assumed those sorts of things wouldn't matter any more, but coming out really is a life long process with everybody you'll ever meet.
@teachingangelstofly Definitely a life-long process but one that gets easier and easier. I'm surprised at how comfortable I am with my sexuality considering I just came out a year ago. I still have my reservations but overall, I've made a lot of emotional progress.
@teachingangelstofly: I absolutely agree. It's like jumping into cold water every single time you come out. And like sportsmen we simply get used to this "leap of faith" and leap better and better.
Damn the sports thing is weird, what a difference in culture. I don't think you'd get people assuming you are gay because you aren't into sports over here. I've been lucky and not had to do much, well I once confessed my 'love' for some girl in my class. Other than that I've only been questioned a couple times. Between me and my close friends, it's like everyone knows but they are waiting for me to just say it. When people are like 'damn she's hot' I disinterestedly agree and that's it.
@Fr4yTheStrings It's nice that your friends aren't pressuring you though. And it's crazy how much emphasis is put on sports here. A lot of people just think you're weird if you don't like sports. Like you're not a true American or something.
@KindaGayBlog Yeah it's nice, but it's so weird. It's almost like a different kind of pressure. But I definitely prefer it to some of the times in my past where I've had to make a big deal out of 'I'm not gay!'
It's horrible that you felt that way. I think that it was easier for me (girl) as girls tend to compare themselves to other girls all the time and we complement each other more too. So it never seemed very 'out of place' for me to comment on hot girls. As for convos about guys my response was and still is '' ya, he's (seems like) a nice guy''.
@twinklemollflossyred Haha yeah, girls are known to be more outspoken and complimentary than guys. It's nice though - like if I buy a new shirt, it's a girl that always says, "Oh, I like your shirt!"
Thank you for watching, I appreciate it. Glad you like the videos. :-)
That's where I am right now, this "straight" persona that I've created is just not me. I don't even remember who I really am because of the lies and changes I've done to hide myself. This video and peoples responses do make me feel better though, thank you :)
@PersonaBreak That was the darkest time for me, when I didn't even know who I was anymore under the facade.Once you train yourself to act like someone else, it feels hard to break free. You will though when you're ready. :-)
Most important for a long periode in my life... don't be suspicious
but now i am myself ... let the others think and say whatever they want... i don't confirm or deny anything... and most of them are way to much cowards to ask directly...
today we went for a coffe..very nice waiter...someone said "he is gay"...i asked...why do you think that...because he is friendly, nice smile, nice jokes... you think he is gay because of all these GOOD things? the suspicion gets stronger... but i dont care
@DemiSecco Good for you! That's so awesome. I hate it when people make assumptions like that. It's like you can't even be a nice guy without people judging your sexuality! Ridiculous.
@DemiSecco im the same way the people love to gossip behind ur back but most wont say it to my face but i have been asked before i used to say no when i was a freshmen and now i just turn away and stop talking to them i dont even like it if someone who might become my friend for it to ask because i feel they should wait for me to tell them its just human nature we cant change it
I wouldn't call the fear "irrational" since the ramifications of an unintended or premature coming out can be quite destructive to an individual in certain circumstances, from their family to their careers. But other than that, I found a lot similar with what you went through. I once told my boss my girlfriend's name was Colleen when it was really Colin. And I caught myself also being robotic in my responses & actions, trying to not call attention to myself. I stifled my clothing & music choices
@dafttool I kept everybody at an arm's distance emotionally, as if I had a wall or force field up. No matter how close I was with somebody, I was always guarded...which they could probably sense. :( I threw myself into school or work, effectively cutting off my sex drive, while all around me my peers' hormones were freely raging.
Funny bit about my boss asking about my girlfriend; he wanted details. When he asked what her breasts were like, I couldn't lie. I said, "Well, they're small & firm."
@dafttool Your boss asked about your girlfriend's breasts?? At what kind of place did you work?!
I agree, the fear itself isn't irrational. It's how we sometimes react to the fear. Like me practically swerving off the road so people wouldn't know I like "gay" pop songs is a bit irrational. :-P
Thanks for your comment, really appreciate it. No matter how different we all are, we all kind of went through the same process, which I think comforts a lot of closeted/gay people.
@KindaGayBlog I worked w/horse veterinarians back then. So it would usually be just me & the doctor ALL day long in our vet vehicle going from emergency call to appointments. We worked so long together, that I always got over 80 hrs a week (& once got 95 hrs), so we had a lot of time to cover personal subjects on any given day. Plus, when you're dealing w/the goings on of a breeding shed (forced rape, collecting & counting sperm, etc), those conversations often went in the direction of sex.
@dafttool And yes, collecting sperm is exactly what it sounds like: I jerked off stallions (which actually isn't that difficult, just dangerous). We used an AV (artificial vagina) that was basically like a massive warm water-filled fleshlight. The hard part, other than getting kicked or stepped on, was secretly slipping the stallion in the tube while mounted on a mare...with a small crowd watching you. --But getting back to your topic, the stress of pretending made me physically ill w/migraines.
I guess my experience proves that religion and conservative society is too blame for internalized (and externalized) homophobia.
Thankfully I was never raised in a particularly religious (conservative) environment and since I was pretty much a social outcast (beginning before orientation was even a factor), I never hated myself for being gay and wished I could be straight to fit in with the "commoners"!
The only thing I'm paranoid about coming out of the closet as being a lesbian is the actual conversation I'll have to go through in order to tell the people closest to me.
The awkwardness of the conversation is never fun
And another thing I worry about is people bringing it up at awkward times, like if my whole school knows people might bring it up specifically to make me feel awkward >.> using it against me and such.
If everyone could just know at once and be over it already, I'd be happy
It sounds absolutely horrible. I am glad I haven't had it that extremely. I had another weird thing going on in my mind when I was with girls. I was always scared of them falling in love with me or them thinking I loved them. I didn't want to disappoint them or to find out I am gay.
I dont think I ever tried to pretend I was straight so much as I would just not talk about anything to do with sex in general. Most of the time, I kept out of those conversations with my friends, which I'm sure made them question if I was gay but I didn't really go out of my way to pretend to be straight. I just never said anything.
Altho I was paranoid about strangers finding out - I'd always wanted to look at the gay section in Chapters but was always scared to be caught looking at them!
@acornsrus I tried to avoid sex conversations, but that's really hard around a bunch of high school and college guys. Thanks for watching and commenting, Rebecca, always always good to hear from you. :-)
@KindaGayBlog Very, very true. Guys do tend to talk about sex more than girls as a rule so when you're a gay guy surrounded by a bunch of raging, hormonal, horny skirt chasers, I can definitely see how you'd have to pretend to go along with it.
As a pansexual and someone with gender issues I have always been careful about what kind of music I listened to, what kind of clothes I wore, how I spoke or acted, but not now. I recently came out to some loved ones and it felt great. I can't believe how much better life is living it as myself and not as someone else.
@TheLaughingOut It's psychologically exhausting to live like that isn't it? We tend to judge ourselves harshly enough as it is, but with that in our heads, it's just too much. I'm so glad you got through it ok.
Thanks for covering this topic. I was like this throughout high school with friends, acquaintances, and family. Got into this really dark scene so that people would leave me alone. My wardrobe consisted of just black clothing. The baggier the clothes the better. I'd also have many crying episodes at night. I would lie about having crushes on girls and even tried having a girlfriend (which didnt last long of course). It was all just bad :( Gives me some comfort to know that I was not alone. :)
@edmccheese I had a very short-lived relationship in highschool with a girl. She was my first kiss at 15. Made out with a few random girls in high school and college and that was it. By college I was like a scared, inexperience little boy. I felt like I couldn't relate to anybody by that point. You were totally not alone. :-) How are things these days?
@KindaGayBlog Now I'm in my Senior year in college. Did lots of healing my Freshman and Sophomore year. Not completely out yet but I dont care about people's opinions anymore (they were the reason why I was miserable in the first place) or if they even suspect anything. And I am my own person and I love it. I even have a boyfriend...who would have thought haha! :D Now that I think of it, those dark days that I went through are the reason why I am who I am today.
When I got (and still get) asked if I like some girl I always say she's beautiful but... or she's not my type :D And, you know, someone said Britney made us gay, you think it's true? I remember I was 11, I think, and I had a really huge crush on her :D I was thinking she would make me straight :D I still love her, though :D
@ivanvannik Haha, who knows? I don't know any straight guys who claim to like her, but I'm sure they're out there. I was about 11 or 12 too when I first saw Britney. I remember having what I thought was a crush on her but I was just a deluded gay kid!
it's very hard to keep up conversation with my straight friends who know that i'm gay, most of the time it's just very awkward. But yes the fake laugh is always there to help me lol... i especially hate it more when straight guys uses me to get to my girl friends...
@Lanedude08 I would have violent episodes when I was alone. Like screaming and slamming doors and punching things. I also took a lot of frustration out on my poor mom. :-( Good to see you made it through and that you held on to your passion!
Not liking Britany Spears isn't something you do because you're worried about looking gay. It's something you do because you actually have taste in music....;-P
SuperTruthPrevails 2 hours ago
Theres a reason why Im a polytheist cause when someone says something bad about the gay community, you'll need more then one god to hold me back. And I don't do that Forgive and Forget bullshit either. I remember what those bigots did to the gay community. From Mathew Shepard to the Westboro Baptist Church. The Prop 8 to the 7 year old Valentine boy who was killed just for asking some other fucking bastard to be his valentine. From religion to politics.
AstroMen2911 1 week ago
I didn't care what people think. If they have a problem with me being gay, then thats thier problem, not mine. My attitude was rebellious and mystical. If some homophobe asked me, "Are you some kind of a fucking fairy?" Id clensed my hand to thier face and say, "Yeah, Im the fucking tooth fairy and Im here to collect." Believe me, I gave homophobes a good reason to be phobic. I was a bitch and I wore that title like a cock ring. Be it love or hate, I will get physical.
AstroMen2911 1 week ago
OMG exactly EXACTLY the same.. judging everything i did.. talking in monotone.. no personality.. pretending not to like girl songs, ugh it was awful!!!
296babycakes 1 week ago
I like one song of Britney Spears, and I'm not gay.
So?
fatizoo1000 3 weeks ago
do you already know, that you are sexy?
we once were driving home from a dinner. in the car were all guys from school. I was like 17. Then they all started like: man, did you saw her. WOW that tits. she looked so hot. the hotest thing ever ! Then they asked me, and I answered like: "Yeah, she was hot" And then they asked: "You know of who we are talking , right?" "Yeah, yeah. I know" Actually I had NO idea. As I came to know it was the waitress, who served us O.O
Audiofreund2 3 weeks ago
your acting staight problem was nothing i'v been acting straight my whole life, i have to play sports even in collage, i have to talk about girls and do things with them, i have to dress a way i dont like, talk a way i dont like and not because i want to but just because its exspected of me and im scared to death that someone might find out that i am gay !!!
chuckstercv 1 month ago
I LOVE YOUR oh shit got to flip it ^_^
aricente 1 month ago
I can't believe the Americans are so homophobic as you describe them. You've got open gay married couples in your country, a lot of them are on the TV. You've got several states where gay marriages are legal. And yet you were afraid to be gay? Can't believe it.
aandrusiak 1 month ago
this video describes my life.
watching " feeling awkward after coming out "
AnotherMartian 1 month ago
It's really wierd for me to hear that because you live in America and do a lot of things we -homosexuals in the Arab world- do... I guess that we fear the people around us sometimes but most of the time maybe we're afraid of ourselves more!
Mjayiesm 2 months ago
It's funny that you mentioned the thing about sports. I remember in grade school, pretty much all of the guys loved hockey and other sports too. I never really cared too much for any sport, but I would pretend to say I loved hockey and had my mom buy me hockey apparel so I looked like a hockey fan. Five years later and I've given up on pretending to care about sports. I do know a few gay people who do like sports though. I think it's ridiculous people associate being gay with not liking sports.
eric690 2 months ago
omg I'm exactly the same. I was afraid sooo badly that ppl will find out that I'm gay. I tried to act as straight as possible but u know at some points u can't hide it anymore then ppl start questioning about your sexuality...i'd say just say no and avoid talking to those ppl again....this makes me feel very uncomfortable in making new fds...that's why i don't hv many fds
chihuahuabebi 2 months ago
I high school i had very macho, homophobic classmates who liked britney spears (but that was in the late 90s)
Arado16 2 months ago
I was kind of an odd ball that lived this with some minor differences. For some reason before I came out I acted overly flamboyant. Like I wanted to fit the stereotypes but just wanted to defy everybody by denying the obvious lol. It was really odd when I think of it because when I came out the flamboyance faded. I did the exact opposite... I recognized "straight behavior" and made a point to act the opposite.
Ircapture 3 months ago
I WAS SO MONOTONE... Still am sometimes.. lol
MannequinFactoryy 3 months ago
i hate gays that pretend to be straight, i know at least 3 guys who i know are gay yet they always have their arms around a girl and when they kiss them u can tell there's no passion there, but they just dont hav the balls to admit they like the same sex, wankers, having said that i did go through a phase of making fun of gay people myself [which i no longer do as i am more comfortable with my sexuality]
BananaSandwich1 3 months ago
@BananaSandwich1 I'm not one of them, but have a heart. It's not as easy for certain people to be gay when they have family and friends who would hate them for it. Not everyone is born with a silver dick in their mouth and can just hop around draped in rainbow clothes for all the world to see. Life is different for each person. So if you can't see that, keep your ignorant and closed-minded opinions to yourself you're as bad as any homophobe.
LooGiLaToR 2 months ago
@LooGiLaToR i grew up in a conservative environment, and i am not a camp queen, im very much one of the boys [mostly] it came to a suprise 2 people when they found out bcos of that however u cant go round making urself miserable ur whole life just bcos of what some doofuses think can u? u gotta break out and stand on ur own two feet o to speak, it would be good also if gay guys supported each other a little more rather than being bitchy to each other
BananaSandwich1 2 months ago
@BananaSandwich1 Saying that the guys who have to put on a public "straight" face are cowards is the type of "bitchiness" you're saying we need to do away with. You hate them, you said. What have they done to you? Sure they don't further "the cause" by being stereotypical or out, but its THEIR life. I agree, they shouldnt have to put on a mask - but for some people, it's their only option. You know nothing about their situations - to call them cowardly is ignorance of the highest order.
LooGiLaToR 1 month ago
My fear of coming out is running out of MALE friends. I know girls will always be there, but guys just get too freaky by it. Also, I live in Venezuela, where is a "sin" ot be gay, I wish I was in USA or Europe, people are way more liberal.
AntmILoveYou 4 months ago
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Arado16 2 months ago
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@AntmILoveYou The niece of El Maximo Lider should give his friend Hugo Chavez a lesson about gay rights
Arado16 2 months ago
I know that thing when you're acting really robotic. I was like that four years ago, and I only realised it in a situation where I was extremely furious, but a freind was like "what, you're angry??? I thought you didn't care at all..."
fortunately I changed a lot since then.
iwannadrinkacupoftea 4 months ago
I remember had to pretend to like rap!!! - thank God i come out~ i am free
sinfonia30 4 months ago
You are really very funny the way you describe stuff. I lived all of this.
GeeWhyFactor 4 months ago
OH MY GOD! You're describing my life word for word! The paranoia, the judging of your voice, how you act, what you say or where you look. Making up names of girls or panicking when your buddies start talking about sex and chicks.
I'm now a sophomore in college and I AM that monotone robot you described, I realize it more everyday and it really sucks. I only recently came to accept myself as gay and that's made me feel a little better, i'm just not completely comfortable with being gay yet.
OldYellowBrickss 5 months ago
This has been flagged as spam show
Man everything you just said in this video explains everything im going through. At home and at School
xXblank91Xx 5 months ago
This has been flagged as spam show
Man everything you just said in this video explains everything im going through. At home and at School
xXblank91Xx 5 months ago
Man everything you just said in this video explains everything im going through. At home and at School
xXblank91Xx 5 months ago
omg great video :))) especially that part where you were pretending straight guys :))) tnx
anderenwelt 7 months ago
I started using 'man' or 'dude' in my speech. Really don't know why I thought that was a good idea. Lol.
dfan 8 months ago
I understand your point of view and ive been thought the same ( im from a massive city where no one knows no one but im also from Brazil where the macho man culture is the law ) but be careful that not all straight people are like that,at least not here in Britain ( in my beginning i thought that everybody was gay ) and know straight guys here that are far away more gay acting ( or at least the typical stereotype of it ) than me ! Is getting very hard to categorize someone those days ! lol
stevevideos2010 8 months ago
Okay so right when you said you became robotic and monotone in your way of speaking, I instantly thought about myself. to cover up my homosexuality as a young teen I would keep my voice low and be very monotone and robotic. of course it's still that way a little bit, but I went through that too.
Stefonzie9000 10 months ago
Haha this made me laugh. Probably because it is so true... Rehearsed conversations are a daily part of my life... I sound so sad haha.
hondafan71 10 months ago
It was sort of different for me because whenever someone asked me if I liked a girl or not or if I found them hot I would just freeze and not know what to say. It was only after this people started questioning my sexuality - to my face anyway.
Sonicboom312 10 months ago
I just didn't answer the questions. I didn't respond. I was 'cool' in high school because I am a good artist and musician, so a lot of these situations didn't arise---except with my best friends, of course. That was the nightmare. Eventually, of course, they knew. I couldn't lie, so I just didn't respond. Man, it was hell. When I went to college, I eventually was able to come Out to someone who would be my band mate and best friend...the first person I ever told.
mgholb47 10 months ago
another great vid ! I fully relate to .....well, all of it.
oxforddictonary 10 months ago
3:35 << If you're depressed click this every few seconds and you'll be right as rain
itirnitii 11 months ago
Understandable. I think you have a serious backbone for posting this video. Amazing, new fan.
Sanctuaryofstars 11 months ago
I kept it a secret in highschool cause obviously, I didn't wanna deal with the shit in highschool. But yeah, the easiest way, no matter how mean, is to have a beard. Figuratively. LOL. Get a girl, or two..and people would instantly be like..oh he's straight cause he dated blah. I could still get away with acting gay, even when im dating a girl. And my exes seem to take it lightly when I came out to them.
jupiterflunk92 11 months ago
@UnversedSong I actually feel a lot more comfortable about myself at work since coming out to my coworkers. Some work environments aren't as open-minded though unfortunately.
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
it almost disgusts me how I lie infront of people when they ask me who I like.
nyncblue 11 months ago
@nyncblue Yeah, it's really depressing to feel ashamed about yourself just for who you like. I've felt that before many times.
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
So how did you get past the "monotone" part of your life. I'm going through that right now and have been for so long it has become part of my personality.
mznxb9872 11 months ago
@mznxb9872 I got past the monotone part by coming out to my best friend. Doing that sort of reawakened my personality.
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
@SillyGayBoy sometimes I feel like I should not come out at all. Mostly because of my religous beliefs. Is that possible. Or is it not a choice. Do I HAVE to come out? Do you know anybody that never did or is that just to much to hold in?
stankiileggs 11 months ago
Oh yes, she's hot .... I would like ... to ... fuck her.
That was a great bit ... I'm rolling around in laugher and tears! :)
colinbrianday 11 months ago 6
@colinbrianday I always hated the way I sounded when I talked about women like that. I felt like I was outing myself just because it sounded so unnatural!
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago 3
Not liking sports does not a homo make!
Neither does liking Pop music. Those are neutral things that anyone can like.
SentientMilieu 11 months ago 9
@SentientMilieu Very true.
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
This vid is tooo funny
PlayaX01 11 months ago
@PlayaX01 Haha thanks for watching, glad you liked it.
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago 2
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idis91 5 months ago
well i am a tomgirl and never have makeup on i am not spending alot of time doing my hair and i guess i aint dressing very girly. but aint a clear case iether but one girl a beautiful punk rock chick figured out cuz everytime she and i were in the same room i got nervous + that i looked at her and when she was about to look at me...i focused on something else. one day she said do you know shes a faggot to a guy friend.
idis91 5 months ago
some random strangers have actually come up to me and asked me if i was gay. i say no but i really wanted to say yes. i'm like semi-out but i still get mad if people come up and ask. i would actually put some swag into my walk or like deepen my voice or something.
CrazyAznFanatic 11 months ago
@CrazyAznFanatic I don't get people, really. Don't feel like you have to change for people who need to mind their own business. :-)
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
OHHH shit not britney spears plz :( everyone knows that I'm crazy about her so that makes me gay for sure ? damn it well I can't act like I hate her, you're so strong for doing this hh
LoooBritneyooove 11 months ago
@LoooBritneyooove Haha she's too darn catchy not to like!
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
One more thing I'm 15 and I would like to hear what you think is the best time to come out. I know you did it not too too long ago but I know you have powerful insight. So let me know what you think!
stankiileggs 11 months ago
@stankiileggs I think it's best to come out when you're able to support yourself financially. But honestly, you'll know when you're ready. There's no rush, so don't pressure yourself into it. There's no right or wrong age to come out.
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
@stankiileggs I was naive and came out too soon. If I had known how hard it was going to be with my relationship with my parents and my peers I definitely would have kept it to myself longer. It's different for every person and environment though. People's reactions are different and often surprising.
SillyGayBoy 11 months ago
Hey I just subcribed to you this morning and watched all your vids :) I love it keep up the good work!
stankiileggs 11 months ago
@stankiileggs awesome, thank you!
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
idk, I just was asexual when it came to girls. Although I did have a genuine crush on a girl before I dealt with my gay feelings. I can mainly relate to monitoring your behavior and things because I didn't want people to arrive at it. But when they would mention that I didn't have a girlfriend or want one, they'd ask jokingly and of course I denied I was gay to them. I also hung out with a heavily Christian crowd too so the shame factor was there too
vidhead85 11 months ago
@vidhead85 To this day I don't know if I had a genuine crush on a girl; I'd say it was more wishful thinking for me.
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
@KindaGayBlog I can understand that. I did have a gf at one time but I broke it off with her, I didn't want to hurt her. I thought it would be terrible to have her hanging on when I couldn't commit to her sexually. I have run across 2 men who have fooled around in their marriages...I refuse to do that!
vidhead85 11 months ago
I'm a bit older & recently realized that I'm gay. I'm coming out to those who are important to me now and it's going well thankfully. Though I didn't consciously hide my sexuality, I look back & see that I was subconsciously hiding myself. I was pretty shy, stayed in the background and never shared much about myself. It was almost like my mind was keeping me on a few seconds delay so it could monitor everything I said/did before it got out. It's taking some time but I like this way much better!
mdstudio 11 months ago
@mdstudio Awesome, congrats! It's very freeing to finally realize who you are inside. Corny, but true.
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
To make people think i was straight god forbid i would pretend to listen to hard rock and screemo. And wear camouflage clothing (terrible wardrobe choice) I also joined all the sports junk and "Jock like" activities.
Mathew9648 11 months ago
You pretty much covered everything. Especially the sense of losing one's "personality" or "identity." As much as I feel like I've been pretty much a boring, monotonous, blank slate of a person my entire life, my process of coming out is kind of like coming "into myself." Sometimes it's just small, seemingly stupid things, but it means a lot from my perspective. It's kind of exciting to find out you're not the person you once thought you were.
gocallyoualawyer 11 months ago
Thanks for sharing. I remember those days. You ROCK!
ItsXp3erynce 11 months ago
@ItsXp3erynce Thanks for watching!
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
Around alot of people I'll hide my true personality but with my friends I am my normal self minus them knowing I'm gay. I know what you mean about alot strait guys that make sure they act a certain way to be "manly" , its the same way in my town. Luckily my friends act just as imature as I do when we hang out and they rarely bother me about girls. What did suck is when I had to go to two different bachlor parties. Titty bars are no fun when you're in the closet. And lap dances are even worse.
shadetree84 11 months ago
@shadetree84 ran out of room above.....What I've been doing is avoiding going out anymore out of fear of meeting a single girl and I wont hang out with people that always wanna set me up with someone. Its mainly my friends wifes or girlfriends that are the ones trying to set me up. When I get asked questions about girls I will say "I really don't want a girlfriend" for some reason that usally works. Great video man! It made me think of my friends and how cool they actually are.
shadetree84 11 months ago
to @KindaGayBlog and to anyone else in the closet, when you are/were with the straight guys and they would tease or harm a gay kid, or someone perceived as gay, would you join them so they wouldn't suspect or tease you?
Reisce 11 months ago
Yeah, I was "robotic" for a long time. I;m still not out to most of my family and I feel like...monotone when I'm around them.
RWHEEL07 11 months ago
@RWHEEL07 You'll get past it; it's just one of those phases a lot of us go through.
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
@KindaGayBlog Yeah. I'm fine now, I'm only a robot when I'm at home. When I'm with my friends, theres no robot. Haha. xD
RWHEEL07 11 months ago
I'm sorry to hear that you were pressured into eliminating any semblance of a personality. I really feel it for you Sam. When I was a teenager I was like that but there where moments that I'd be like be pushed over the edge and I'd just be a very ambiguous guy. Oblivious if anybody thought of me as gay or straight. Most of the time though, I'd make up excuses or divert the gay attention by straight talking especially about girls but never in a totally condescending or over sexualised way.
MutantX7 11 months ago
Awesome video/topic. I agree on everything you said when pretending to be straight specially the music part. I'm also not into sports so what I did to get away with not ever having a girlfriend throughout high school was just pretend I was too busy studying and being all "smart". I had a lot of girl friends but the few guy friends that I had were pretty geeky like me so people just assumed I was a "nerd" and that I couldn't get a girl. 2 girls once ask me if I was gay but I completely denied it.
SharinByakuGan 11 months ago
I pretty much did the same thing as you did when I was in college. I wasn't in to sports at all. I would comment on how hot a girl was and such. There were some people that suspected I was gay, but I never gave them the satisfaction of knowing. Now I have a group of close friends that accept me for me.
Do you ever regret not coming out sooner? I do from time to time. I came out when I was 23.
SuperNova317 11 months ago
luckily ive found a group of great people who love me for who i am so i dont have to fake anything anymore
fandude15 11 months ago
This has been flagged as spam show
great job
hi
i gave up posting videos on to youtude and sex for lent
what about your self
a40yearoldcub 11 months ago
I have my boyfriend but I pretend to be "straight" and we are "friends"..... and I am affraid of telling my best friends because I feel they wouldn't understand and they would reject me.
fernandopox 11 months ago
So weird hearing you say all this , it sound's like me year's ago , I never made up girl's names or anything, I did date allot but wouldn't have sex with them, I would say "I respect you too much too ruin our relationship to have to have sex, I think we should wait awhile.. and make sure it's right cause I want it to be perfect !"
Thank's for making this ..
phillytomcat 11 months ago
When you are prestending to be something you are not it always sits in the back of your mind that people can see throgh your mask....We tend to be very homophobic so that people cant see through the mask. Great video...Love that you keep making these kinds of videos.
depfox 11 months ago
I kept myself from having friends - this behavior is so much a part of my outlook that I continue to keep from having friends and remain, as much as I can, by myself. At my age, I no longer look forward to my first gay relationship, not because I do not want the experience, but because having someone that close to me, both physically and emotionally would be extremely uncomfortable.
YCFGUZJCGBJCEFOZBRNQ 11 months ago
Hi Sam, you know, you really remind me of a friend of mine who literally speaks and acts like you. He too was soo good at acting straight! Saying EXACTLY THE SAME things about girls on parties, only in German.
As for me, the most difficult part when closeted was to keep my mouth shut when other heteros were making really stupid jokes at gays' expense. My hetero acting in those moments amounted to looking down on the floor or just looking away. But I was boiling inside.
Artjommm 11 months ago
I became very monotone as well! I was like a walking corpse with no personality.
One thing I really did a lot was filter my speech. God forbid I get too caught up in a conversation and I possibly let something slip that would make people think I'm gay! It was awful. I hated lying all the time or just not being able to say things.
I'm still not completely out yet, so I still watch what I say a bit. But I dont lie about what I like anymore. Everyone knows I LOVE Lady Gaga xD
Valcuric 11 months ago 2
I hang out with the "goth" kids because the aren't nearly as judgmental as all the other pricks at my school. The "goths" not only have a hella funny sense of humor but I also began to intimidate the lower- classmen. On the down side my mom thinks I worship Satan because I dress in black and blast heavy music out of my room, so I now have to go to church counseling.
DarthOreoz 11 months ago
I can relate. Since I am (I think) one generation under you, one thing that was always an issue for me was using the word "Gay" as a word to mean stupid or uncool. Even in early high school when I was still closeted to everyone but my close 1 or 2 friends, I would never use "gay" in a derogatory manner. I'm not sure if I was just being noble and proud, or if just speaking the word out loud would trigger some connection with someone's brain, and they would realize how /gay/ I actually was.
greedlusthate 11 months ago
Great video. I always wish I could have a do over because I wouldnt have pretended not to be and would have had gay friends.
gvcdkg 11 months ago
jeez... I very rarely was involved into conversations about girls (since I was hanging out with girls already), so when they were talking about guys, I used to keep veeeeery neutral and casual like "yeah well he's not too ugly". But you're right, talking about girls felt so unnatural X____X I was so vague, and quickly managed to change the subject xD jesus, I'm so glad this is all over, and for you too !
Note : you look better and better with every video =)
GayGHvain87 11 months ago
I just burst into tears because you are telling my story... This is exactly what I am living right now... Is just so difficult for me, but I know there will come a time when I'll come out of the closet... Thanks for sharing this video!
Yahzier0184 11 months ago 13
Not only do they judge themselves but they judge other people by that hyper masculine standard, too. It's kind of a white flag, really.
Or if they vacation in Ptown, they don't say, "Hey, I'm going to Ptown.." They say, "I vacationed on the Cape."
SugarInHisBlood 11 months ago
@SugarInHisBlood Yeah, we're always comparing ourselves the "pinnacle" of masculinity. Very frustrating when you're closeted bc you know you'll never live up to that.
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
You're hot, and smart. One thing that I hadn't expected was that even after I was out to most people I would still feel quite self conscious about my sexuality - I still get anxious or suneasy talking about being gay to people if I don't know them very well and I always worry about how people judge me and if they can tell that I'm gay before I tell them... I'd assumed those sorts of things wouldn't matter any more, but coming out really is a life long process with everybody you'll ever meet.
teachingangelstofly 11 months ago
@teachingangelstofly Definitely a life-long process but one that gets easier and easier. I'm surprised at how comfortable I am with my sexuality considering I just came out a year ago. I still have my reservations but overall, I've made a lot of emotional progress.
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
@teachingangelstofly: I absolutely agree. It's like jumping into cold water every single time you come out. And like sportsmen we simply get used to this "leap of faith" and leap better and better.
Artjommm 11 months ago
i dont have a personality, but iv been this way since before i new being gay was ""wrong"".
Mrcaliberz 11 months ago
@Mrcaliberz Haha, well not having a personality is quite alright as long as you're happy with yourself.
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
Damn the sports thing is weird, what a difference in culture. I don't think you'd get people assuming you are gay because you aren't into sports over here. I've been lucky and not had to do much, well I once confessed my 'love' for some girl in my class. Other than that I've only been questioned a couple times. Between me and my close friends, it's like everyone knows but they are waiting for me to just say it. When people are like 'damn she's hot' I disinterestedly agree and that's it.
Fr4yTheStrings 11 months ago
@Fr4yTheStrings It's nice that your friends aren't pressuring you though. And it's crazy how much emphasis is put on sports here. A lot of people just think you're weird if you don't like sports. Like you're not a true American or something.
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
@KindaGayBlog Yeah it's nice, but it's so weird. It's almost like a different kind of pressure. But I definitely prefer it to some of the times in my past where I've had to make a big deal out of 'I'm not gay!'
Fr4yTheStrings 11 months ago
It's horrible that you felt that way. I think that it was easier for me (girl) as girls tend to compare themselves to other girls all the time and we complement each other more too. So it never seemed very 'out of place' for me to comment on hot girls. As for convos about guys my response was and still is '' ya, he's (seems like) a nice guy''.
ps. I really enjoy ur vids- keep it up! :D
twinklemollflossyred 11 months ago
@twinklemollflossyred Haha yeah, girls are known to be more outspoken and complimentary than guys. It's nice though - like if I buy a new shirt, it's a girl that always says, "Oh, I like your shirt!"
Thank you for watching, I appreciate it. Glad you like the videos. :-)
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
That's where I am right now, this "straight" persona that I've created is just not me. I don't even remember who I really am because of the lies and changes I've done to hide myself. This video and peoples responses do make me feel better though, thank you :)
PersonaBreak 11 months ago
@PersonaBreak That was the darkest time for me, when I didn't even know who I was anymore under the facade.Once you train yourself to act like someone else, it feels hard to break free. You will though when you're ready. :-)
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
Most important for a long periode in my life... don't be suspicious
but now i am myself ... let the others think and say whatever they want... i don't confirm or deny anything... and most of them are way to much cowards to ask directly...
today we went for a coffe..very nice waiter...someone said "he is gay"...i asked...why do you think that...because he is friendly, nice smile, nice jokes... you think he is gay because of all these GOOD things? the suspicion gets stronger... but i dont care
DemiSecco 11 months ago 12
@DemiSecco Good for you! That's so awesome. I hate it when people make assumptions like that. It's like you can't even be a nice guy without people judging your sexuality! Ridiculous.
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
@DemiSecco im the same way the people love to gossip behind ur back but most wont say it to my face but i have been asked before i used to say no when i was a freshmen and now i just turn away and stop talking to them i dont even like it if someone who might become my friend for it to ask because i feel they should wait for me to tell them its just human nature we cant change it
fandude15 11 months ago
I wouldn't call the fear "irrational" since the ramifications of an unintended or premature coming out can be quite destructive to an individual in certain circumstances, from their family to their careers. But other than that, I found a lot similar with what you went through. I once told my boss my girlfriend's name was Colleen when it was really Colin. And I caught myself also being robotic in my responses & actions, trying to not call attention to myself. I stifled my clothing & music choices
dafttool 11 months ago
@dafttool I kept everybody at an arm's distance emotionally, as if I had a wall or force field up. No matter how close I was with somebody, I was always guarded...which they could probably sense. :( I threw myself into school or work, effectively cutting off my sex drive, while all around me my peers' hormones were freely raging.
Funny bit about my boss asking about my girlfriend; he wanted details. When he asked what her breasts were like, I couldn't lie. I said, "Well, they're small & firm."
dafttool 11 months ago 2
@dafttool Your boss asked about your girlfriend's breasts?? At what kind of place did you work?!
I agree, the fear itself isn't irrational. It's how we sometimes react to the fear. Like me practically swerving off the road so people wouldn't know I like "gay" pop songs is a bit irrational. :-P
Thanks for your comment, really appreciate it. No matter how different we all are, we all kind of went through the same process, which I think comforts a lot of closeted/gay people.
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
@KindaGayBlog I worked w/horse veterinarians back then. So it would usually be just me & the doctor ALL day long in our vet vehicle going from emergency call to appointments. We worked so long together, that I always got over 80 hrs a week (& once got 95 hrs), so we had a lot of time to cover personal subjects on any given day. Plus, when you're dealing w/the goings on of a breeding shed (forced rape, collecting & counting sperm, etc), those conversations often went in the direction of sex.
dafttool 11 months ago
@dafttool And yes, collecting sperm is exactly what it sounds like: I jerked off stallions (which actually isn't that difficult, just dangerous). We used an AV (artificial vagina) that was basically like a massive warm water-filled fleshlight. The hard part, other than getting kicked or stepped on, was secretly slipping the stallion in the tube while mounted on a mare...with a small crowd watching you. --But getting back to your topic, the stress of pretending made me physically ill w/migraines.
dafttool 11 months ago
I guess my experience proves that religion and conservative society is too blame for internalized (and externalized) homophobia.
Thankfully I was never raised in a particularly religious (conservative) environment and since I was pretty much a social outcast (beginning before orientation was even a factor), I never hated myself for being gay and wished I could be straight to fit in with the "commoners"!
GyThanksGd 11 months ago
so true. that feeling was horrible.
HTRex1204 11 months ago
The only thing I'm paranoid about coming out of the closet as being a lesbian is the actual conversation I'll have to go through in order to tell the people closest to me.
The awkwardness of the conversation is never fun
And another thing I worry about is people bringing it up at awkward times, like if my whole school knows people might bring it up specifically to make me feel awkward >.> using it against me and such.
If everyone could just know at once and be over it already, I'd be happy
yasieA 11 months ago
It sounds absolutely horrible. I am glad I haven't had it that extremely. I had another weird thing going on in my mind when I was with girls. I was always scared of them falling in love with me or them thinking I loved them. I didn't want to disappoint them or to find out I am gay.
waterdrager93 11 months ago
@waterdrager93 I think that's why I avoided intimate relationships altogether!
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
I dont think I ever tried to pretend I was straight so much as I would just not talk about anything to do with sex in general. Most of the time, I kept out of those conversations with my friends, which I'm sure made them question if I was gay but I didn't really go out of my way to pretend to be straight. I just never said anything.
Altho I was paranoid about strangers finding out - I'd always wanted to look at the gay section in Chapters but was always scared to be caught looking at them!
acornsrus 11 months ago
@acornsrus I tried to avoid sex conversations, but that's really hard around a bunch of high school and college guys. Thanks for watching and commenting, Rebecca, always always good to hear from you. :-)
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
@KindaGayBlog Very, very true. Guys do tend to talk about sex more than girls as a rule so when you're a gay guy surrounded by a bunch of raging, hormonal, horny skirt chasers, I can definitely see how you'd have to pretend to go along with it.
acornsrus 11 months ago
As a pansexual and someone with gender issues I have always been careful about what kind of music I listened to, what kind of clothes I wore, how I spoke or acted, but not now. I recently came out to some loved ones and it felt great. I can't believe how much better life is living it as myself and not as someone else.
TheLaughingOut 11 months ago
@TheLaughingOut It's psychologically exhausting to live like that isn't it? We tend to judge ourselves harshly enough as it is, but with that in our heads, it's just too much. I'm so glad you got through it ok.
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
@KindaGayBlog My youtube friends helped me more than anything. There are some really amazing things happening on this site.
TheLaughingOut 11 months ago
Thanks for covering this topic. I was like this throughout high school with friends, acquaintances, and family. Got into this really dark scene so that people would leave me alone. My wardrobe consisted of just black clothing. The baggier the clothes the better. I'd also have many crying episodes at night. I would lie about having crushes on girls and even tried having a girlfriend (which didnt last long of course). It was all just bad :( Gives me some comfort to know that I was not alone. :)
edmccheese 11 months ago
@edmccheese I had a very short-lived relationship in highschool with a girl. She was my first kiss at 15. Made out with a few random girls in high school and college and that was it. By college I was like a scared, inexperience little boy. I felt like I couldn't relate to anybody by that point. You were totally not alone. :-) How are things these days?
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
@KindaGayBlog Now I'm in my Senior year in college. Did lots of healing my Freshman and Sophomore year. Not completely out yet but I dont care about people's opinions anymore (they were the reason why I was miserable in the first place) or if they even suspect anything. And I am my own person and I love it. I even have a boyfriend...who would have thought haha! :D Now that I think of it, those dark days that I went through are the reason why I am who I am today.
edmccheese 11 months ago
@edmccheese Awesome, congrats! It's true, our pasts make us the people we are today. And I think we turned out quite alright. :-)
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
Comment removed
edmccheese 11 months ago
When I got (and still get) asked if I like some girl I always say she's beautiful but... or she's not my type :D And, you know, someone said Britney made us gay, you think it's true? I remember I was 11, I think, and I had a really huge crush on her :D I was thinking she would make me straight :D I still love her, though :D
ivanvannik 11 months ago
@ivanvannik Haha, who knows? I don't know any straight guys who claim to like her, but I'm sure they're out there. I was about 11 or 12 too when I first saw Britney. I remember having what I thought was a crush on her but I was just a deluded gay kid!
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
it's very hard to keep up conversation with my straight friends who know that i'm gay, most of the time it's just very awkward. But yes the fake laugh is always there to help me lol... i especially hate it more when straight guys uses me to get to my girl friends...
omfffffg 11 months ago
@omfffffg Oh that would bug the crap outta me. As if you hold the key to getting in their pants. :-P
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
I cried like a little girl...
....
...I was helpless. A helpless, thinly-veiled little shit.
Lanedude08 11 months ago
@Lanedude08 I did plenty of that too, trust me!
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago
@KindaGayBlog
Plus, I was violent. And angry.
I made violent art and listened to rock. Although I was and am still a rocker when I came out, through and through.
Lanedude08 11 months ago
@Lanedude08 I would have violent episodes when I was alone. Like screaming and slamming doors and punching things. I also took a lot of frustration out on my poor mom. :-( Good to see you made it through and that you held on to your passion!
KindaGayBlog 11 months ago