David Mitchell - Five Point Plan For Survivng In Prison

[sean19922k7]

he has to sell the fact he's got a degree.. then he said he made his plan when he was 16 or 17..

[Cleo4696]

oh, i seem to have dropped my cocktail- dont pick it up!

[rosiewardd96]

"I have to make sure this person isn't a person who will... b-um me..." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

[182fooz]

Funny seeing people underestimate David Mitchell because they think he is some nerd, this guy is actually god in mere mortal form !

[ReX342]

He confused degree and Phd, so it's normal that they didn't believe him

[uktedbailey]

Got he looks weird chubby

[Mohrkai]

I 've caught this motherfucker out at "What age were you at... 17, 16-17". I dont need to play the rest of the video - he's a lying fucker

[IMikouden]

@Mohrkai How do you figure??? And whats with the language, its a game show, calm it bro!

[EmmaLouiseRata]

david has lost weight

lee has put on weight

[botleydot]

is it just me or does someone fart at 0:26

[rtl4x4]

@botleydot no it's a swallow

[deathorb]

No rape occurs in british prisons, fact.

[uiruu]

I love his outburst at the end, seeing as he was thinking it the entire time

[RadioactiveFrog127]

I did all but no.3 :(

[Jcolinsol]

If you think about it, it's kind of incredibly fucked up that prison rape is such a common joke for us.

Like, we build these massive prison systems, and then we fill it with a mixture of emotionally disturbed people and non-violent drug offenders. Throw in a little slave labor.

And then we sit there and crack jokes about this rape-culture which we've created. We could at least have the decency to crack jokes about how ashamed we should be about putting people in rape cages in the first place.

[turkish349]

@Jcolinsol Dont commit a serious crime, and youll still make a noise when you fart. Simples.

[Jcolinsol]

@turkish349

Most of the people in prison haven't committed a serious crime.

And even if they did, that still doesn't mean that they deserve being locked up in a cement cage and subjected to rape. If anything, you want to get a serious offender the psychological help they need to correct their behavior, not apply even more traumas.

It's just an untenable position to hold.

[FutureAbe]

what's a prison??

[hopintheroflcopter]

Ohhhh Myleene Klass.. sit on my face.

[CornishRicky]

*Hear him say the words "I have to use the fact that I have a degree". Pause video. Shudder and cringe. Brace myself for some serious squirming and transparent lies. Inhale. Exhale. Press play.

[DrackyA]

why if hes 17 would he have a phd, am i the only one to think this while watching?

[Arcadiah]

@DrackyA its to get a phd while in prison...you can study while incacerated.

[DrackyA]

@Arcadiah Oh no sorry i meant degree, when he is 17 he couldnt have a degree when entering pirson, as obviously he wouldnt of been through university

[Arcadiah]

@DrackyA you study in prison. you can do it at any age.

[DrackyA]

@Arcadiah Yes, but he says he wanted to make use of his intelligence if ever he did go to prison as he says in his first point. He wouldnt have a degree at 17, the age he later refers too

[811chelseafc]

his last piece of advice is the greatest of the lot

[IoEstasCedonta]

David really should have realized that he would have to have to have had a degree to come up with that plan.

[GraffitiBMXskate]

Press 2

[peltdog123]

I don't like it when the top comment gives away whether it true or not

[LarrytheQuadguy1]

@peltdog123 why not watch the video before you read the comments?

[AiluroPanda]

They didn't wonder why he had a degree at 16/17?

[IrritationCharles]

@AiluroPanda I think he didn't he just planned to get one. Considering he got into Cambridge he must be intelligent.

[nickjujitsu]

See everyone keeps quoting david mitchells talks to be 'rants' but they're not and if talking common sense is ranting then I think we all rant.

[mrbreckles]

@nickjujitsu i think i't just a flippant word to be used. Nothing serious; on a comedy video. Who would of known.

[Theworldspeople]

Is it me or do they sound slightly like daleks?

[Apanzon]

Only commit crimes you can get away with!

[89DestroyA]

whose next to him??

[dthomp16htc]

@89DestroyA myleene klass

[matthewkoz]

@89DestroyA Mine? Yours?

[89DestroyA]

@matthewkoz Qwhat??????

[allamericandude15]

Technically it isn't a lie that he created a five point plan. He just did.

[SaintLouisX]

@allamericandude15 Well, he said he "had", past tense, created one, which he did not. He created there on the spot while and after reading the sentence. So it was a lie. If it had said "I will" then it'd not be a lie. :)

[allamericandude15]

@SaintLouisX No, at the beginning he says "I HAVE created a 5-point plan for surviving in prison." That can refer to the immediate past, which means if he was thinking of the plan before he read the card (which he probably was, since he had probably read the card beforehand), then it wasn't a lie.

[waori]

@allamericandude15 He would have to have created the entire plan in the time between reading and saying the card which is unlikely.

[gamingdonnie]

@allamericandude15 No someone else wrote it then he read it, GOT YOU DER MUFUCKA!!!

[Shift4chizzle]

@allamericandude15 but at the time when he read it, it was a lie

[willisverynice]

@allamericandude15 Technically, when he read the fact, he had not....

[255ad]

@allamericandude15 the tense makes it a lie

[humptydance1]

anyone else want to beat lee mack to death with a brick?

[TheUnillogical]

@humptydance1 - nope.

[reidvfx]

they spot his inconsistency but for some reason dont really acknowledge it. At 1:28 they establish he was 17 and pt 1 of his plan was to use his degree. He would have been too young. They said it but didn't pull him up on it

[TheYoo2b]

@reidvfx if lee mack had unintentionally said he had a degree at 17, david mitchell would have gone into another long rant exposing it

[benzipz]

LOOK LEFT ------------------------> you failed

[Leowen2]

I wish I could fARK YOU IN THE ARSE, YOUR TOO BEAUTIFUL DARLING.

[daPlumber702]

I so wish it weren't a lie

[metalandertaler]

Well, actually he DID make a five-point-plan for prision...

[LostTime19]

nobody brings up the fact hes got a degree at 17, yet you cant really get into uni before becomeing 17/18 and most degrees are 4 year long courses

[tisuisse]

As previously mentioned, press 2 for endless amusement.

[MrFitzonic]

He sounded so scared when he said "eh... bum me". :L

[michaelgxt]

DAVID MITCHELL!

[gavbag1234]

Press 2

[jackamatyus]

He kinda slipped up by saying he was 16/17 when he made the rules, because the first rule is to use his degree to his advantage. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have a degree at that age.

[MyCookiesDammit]

@jackamatyus Neil Morrissey already said that

[VilLeanneValo]

@jackamatyus but he knew he was going to get one, that was a dead cert!

[kojimapie]

David Mitchell needs to do standup!!!!!

[MrWarrenLO]

For more fun press -

1 (count to five)

4

2

7

[willnoble2009]

is this a lie?

[NotJames1]

Press 2 then 4. Repeat

[Electrononsenseable]

The quality makes them sound like daleks

[arr5612]

I think he did pretty well considering he made it all up on the spot.

[Boyfromasension]

@arr5612 thanks for that.... I suppose it's a lie then huh?

[HLecterPHD]

who..wont...eh...bum me

[Kodish2010]

David demands you to... (press 2) him.

[TheBurningSpearhead]

He sounds really insecure when he says "b-bum me"!

this always make me laugh!!

[djdogjuam]

2:13 - "...degree, phd, why not make it a seven point plan and get the masters."

Is Lee mack fucking retarded? A phd is better than a masters. I dont think there are any people with phds giving a seconds thought to wishing they had got a masters.

[InsertNameHere803]

@djdogjuam ... so Lee Mack doesn't know what order certain degrees come in. I also notice that no one but you gives a toss, maybe because he is funny, but you come across as elitist and irritating.

[djdogjuam]

@InsertNameHere803 I can also magically tell that you also are an uneducated British cunt. Inbred, shit teeth and settle personal family matters on the Jeremy Kyle Show. Just shut the fuck up and stop embarrassing yourself on the internet by proudly displaying your lack of education like a medal of honour.

[InsertNameHere803]

@djdogjuam Woah dude, I was only pointing out that calling the bloke retarded for not knowing something is both rude and kinda nit-picky. Also, random insults and baseless name-calling is surely a sign of lack of eductation, if anything. (Although I've never heard of the British stereotype of being inbred, over here that was always a deep South American thing. Shit teeth I can totally accept)

[GoreMasterFlash]

@djdogjuam Shit teeth and trashy tv. Sounds like the residents of the southern states on Jerry Springer

[syll0g1sm]

@djdogjuam It's not terribly uncommon for people with technical PhDs to get MBAs if they go into management or entrepreneurship.

[1878EFC2008]

@djdogjuam

But he doesn't have a Masters or a PHD so he could quite easily mae that part of the plan. Also being in prison means that any qualification won't be worth much when he comes out anyway so a Masters is a subject he likes could be worth doing just to pass the time.

In short, you are a spastic.

[quimsolls1]

222222 lol

[MrWarrenLO]

Press 1, 2, 3, 4.

Kinda sounds like "have bummed me when I was a teenager". lol

[MrV902]

nice

[AdamJKB]

Press 2 to hear David Mitchells favourite chat up line!

[NadStarMusic]

good plans thou

[Devilock79]

"I did a terrible, terrible thing but I got away with it."

[leftovers0]

I wanna see David Mitchell interview Anne Coulter, his mind would implode from exposure to stupidity.

[welshdevondragon]

@leftovers0 Surely it would be better for her mind to implode as he proves to her her own stupidity

[leftovers0]

@welshdevondragon

If there's one thing I've come to understand about that woman (and everyone on the religious right for that matter), it's that neither logic nor scientific fact will change their mind.

[JoshFOB]

@leftovers0 The truth and nothing but.

[catch2370]

@leftovers0

nice!

[weirdlygifted]

"to cut a long story short I did a terrible, terrible thing. But I got away with it."

[KonijNx2]

I hate Lee Mac, the only humour he derives off this show is pretending he's some hard Northern and ripping the piss out of David Mitchell for being different.

David Mitchell is just funny, he has comic talent.

[JoshFOB]

@KonijNx2 It's true a lot of the humour Lee uses on this show is taking the piss out of David (although their times of back and forth are great - mostly because of David though). However, his stand-ups and sitcom (Not Going Out) are terrific. Not Going Out is probably one of the best-written sitcoms I've ever seen - the humour is somewhat clever, mostly being sharp word play.

[KonijNx2]

@JoshFOB

OK, I'll agree with you on Not Going Out, it's a geat show, and he isn't too bad at stand up. So I'll retract my point and make the statement that simply, David is a far better comic, because in almost all situations he can derive humour from the situation itself, instead of having to attack others.

[JoshFOB]

@KonijNx2 I can definitely agree. I love David. Not only are his rants one-of-a-kind and funny, I love the way he uses intelligence in both them and his retorts to others. I also adore his opinions on various things in life, like his soap box videos. He's one of those people who knows what he likes and is aware of how things in life operate, especially social aspects. I really like that trait in people.

[CmdrTobs]

@JoshFOB You missed the bit about the tenderness of his rectum.

[JoshFOB]

@CmdrTobs HURR HURR

[1878EFC2008]

@KonijNx2

Except not really. Most of the genuinely funny moments in this show are down to Lee Mack. I like David as well but his 'off the cuff' rants are starting to get a little tired now tbh.

[KonijNx2]

@1878EFC2008 Except yes really, in my opinion. I stand by my position - the rants are always cleverly put together and usually hillarious. I'll repeat my point, Lee usually lacks the ability to make up on the spot jokes about a subject, unless it's making an age-old joke about Mitchell's social upbringing or personality quirks. Admittedly sometimes it's funny, but generally speaking you can see it coming a mile off.

[1878EFC2008]

@KonijNx2

That isn't true. Most of the quick witted one liners come from Lee. IT's David who struggles in that respect and has to rely on his rants...which. generally speaking, you can see coming a mile off.

Little game to illustrate the point: You name David's funniest one liners and i'll respond with Lee's funniest one liners (none of which will mention David's upbringing).

Trust me, you'll struggle.

[KonijNx2]

@1878EFC2008 Kind of makes me laugh.

You have disallowed his rants in your game and only allowed one-liners because of what? Your own personal opinion about his rants? And please don't repeat me, see them comng a mile off? No you can't. It's obvious Lee is going to make the same dig at David every time a subject comes up which will build on his character, for instance he had a bucket friend whom he played card games with.

It's not obvious David is going to rant about luke-warm tea.

[1878EFC2008]

@KonijNx2

i haven't disallowed rants, also you were the one who was 'disallowing' any gag Lee might have made about David's upbringing. For some reason.

The fact that the producers came up with this lie for David to tell is hardly Lee's fault.

David now does an 'improvised' rant every week, sometimes more than one. If his rants still take you by surprise then I would suggest that you are a little bit dim.

[KonijNx2]

@1878EFC2008 TBH this conversation is a waste of time if you honestly don't see Lee Mack's jibes about Mitchell coming a mile off, and yet think you're going to say you see his rants coming.

[1878EFC2008]

@KonijNx2

Also you were the one who was saying Lee can't make on the spot jokes unless it's about David's upbringing. This is patently nonsense.

Even in this clip the funniest bits don't rely on David being posh.

Sorry, you're wrong. Simple as that.

[1878EFC2008]

@ATStirzaker

That isn't a problem and wasn't what i was asking for.

In short, i think you have learning difficulties. Go find a dark room and have a lie down you demented buffoon.

[ATStirzaker]

@1878EFC2008 I'm not sure you understood my comment, but okay. Relax, it's just a friendly dispute :)

[phoenixfriend]

He must be fast thinker to come up with a five point plan on the spot like that. Well done David.

[minimacs179]

Press 2 then 4. 

[GarethJonesify]

The fear in his voice at 0:38 when he says 'bum me' is amazing lol

[Blaccat8]

0:32 --> I heard the quiver in the voice from David xDD He's generally scared

[moshpotpaul]

@Blaccat8 genuinely*

[Blaccat8]

@moshpotpaul Thanks :3

[moshpotpaul]

@Blaccat8 lol sorry I'm overly pedantic >.<

[Blaccat8]

@moshpotpaul It's no problem, I'm a writer, so I need to know how to spell words. Genuinely is one of few that I get confused with. x

[etocadet]

@Blaccat8 necessary is another bastard to spell

[Blaccat8]

@etocadet It is, I only just learned to spell that by the old way: one coffee with two sugars. :D

[KelDG1]

Leslie ash fail, she used to be fine!

[theUKatheist]

press ''2'' for him to ask you to bum him lol

[JohnsonLobster]

Remember children, only commit commit crimes you can get away with.

If you can hide the body, then it's OK. ;)

[EmmyNeander]

"Er, er, granny, er, nan, er, er..."

[CaptainWatson234]

B..bum me

[CuckooNow]

If you keep pressing '2', David Mitchell keeps saying 'bum me'.

[kensei85]

@CuckooNow lmao that's really something

[CuckooNow]

@kensei85 And if you press '4', David Mitchell will say 'teenager'.

Hours of fun.

[vincedoomreaper88]

@CuckooNow And if you press '6', he says, "Oh, I've dropped my cocktail".

[80snessEj]

Lol he is amazing!!!

[72master]

ONLY COMMIT CRIMES THT YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH ....... i will :P

[Chocolate5Five]

so darn hilarious! i can't believe anyone would make a five point plan for just in case they go to prison!LOL!

[CBAalltheway]

who's that moronic blonde woman on Lee's team?

[fuckcarrots82]

@CBAalltheway

Leslie ash

[IoEstasCedonta]

"Don't GO to prison! Only commit crimes you can get away with!"

Oh, Elena Kagan's twin brother, never change.

[WeaponX831]

fkn insane. how godamn funny!!!  XD

[Anniekins269]

I'd love to see Derren Brown on this show.

[WhoElseButJamie]

You can almost feel his fear of getting bummed. His expression's priceless.

[JMBfullmusic]

the yawn at 0:31 listen closely

[Gubbywubby]

HE's good at making stuff up under  pressure!

[SirTeeGeeEss]

He's a legend.

[Clarestovold]

...3 people have been bummed in prison...

[95kittens]

ONLY COMMIT CRIMES YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH!

[emikke]

@95kittens Most people who commit crimes think they can get away with it. Otherwise there would be little point in doing it.

[Mullahgrrl]

@emikke Unless its some sort of statement.

[mrfundah]

i wonder if he wears that shirt on every show or he has differeent identicle shirts

[jakamneziak]

wtf is neil morrissey playing at with his beard?

[PlaztE]

@jakamneziak

hes an actor so might have needed it for a show/play or something

[gunnerfucker1]

The girl next to David Mitchell seem to not like him!

[RiquelminhoUK]

I seem to have a cocktail in my hand, why am I the only one?

[evesapple]

should have done a point six- completely change every aspect of my personality.

I love David Mitchell.

[MacSnowball]

" Five point plan on how to survive in prison?!

I've got NO IDEA how to survive in prison!

Don't GO to prison! Only commit crimes you can get away with!!"

David Mitchell, I love you. xD

[BokoNOM]

It is very possible to get a degree when you're 17. My friend in my secondary school had skipped a year for being on top of everything, I got my foundation degree at the age of 18. He would have been 17 in my same situation. It's more unlikely that you'd get a masters/doctors at that age though, I don't think the type of degree was mentioned in this video though.

[magrev69]

@BokoNOM oh shut up you pompous little arse hole

[BokoNOM]

@magrev69 How exactly am I being pompous? I'm not boasting that I had a smart friend, why on earth would I be happy with losing a friendship throughout my school years due to that scenario? I didn't have many friends, it sucked having one less.

I was merely explaining that it is indeed possible to have a degree at that age.

[IcaStarx]

awww love David, hes so sweet <3 x

[TheMikeyReilly]

@IcaStarx The use of the adjectives "cute" or "sweet" used by a person of a slightly higher popularity or social status towards someone with a lesser status does have large patronising vibes dripping off the comment.

I suggest a better comment for Mr. Mitchell would be:

"I very much enjoy the works of whimsical comedian David Mitchell. His personality is attractive - not in the generic sense, but in a way that suggests I would like to have a friendship with him. He is very amusing."

:P

[PC336]

@RyanGiggsOBE They must know he'll have some sort of fit

[RyanGiggsOBE]

the writers must have so much fun coming up with questions like this for david

[bareakon]

i someone ever tried to rape me in a prison, i would try to rape them back.

then, word would get around that i'm a "difficult rape"

[Superfreak937]

@bareakon How on earth could you "rape them back"?

Actually, I don't want to know.

[sausagedogmcgee]

I'd have said that if I ever dropped the soap, I'd crouch to pick it up rather than bend down.

[NickStedmon]

@sausagedogmcgee Cock in the mouth instead =P Though I suppose that's preferable to the alternative.

[PurpleFunnyChocolate]

I think David did brilliantly, that's really hard!

[joshuare94]

he has definately lost weight since then