you are not a freak you are a special person . keep that in mind . do not let what others say to you bring you down keep your head help high. merrzmass have a good one hope you put up a nre vifd up soon cheer up its gonna get worse before it gets better
foster some hope........it so sad that you have young tranny girl that look at you as inspiration and you cant see how special that to just be that. Fuck being an athlete or genius in school or in love....your fan and subs love you....and you can find someone new for your personal life...they come and go....we are transgender ALLL have shitty luck and experience.....we get over it.....the future i bright as you make it.....HOPE get some
Hi I think you can make it thuogh the hard times just remember you got a lot to give I am 51 and the father of three girls the young guste 18 hang in there and think there are other how starded trans but stop for there life woulnd have been love Kristen
Hey, don´t cry baby, you are really sexy, i love you and your zelda´s t-sirt. I have seen your photos and i think you have a lot of reasons to be here, and don´t worry because you are really beauty, i am sure that you gonna find someone fantastaic in your live and im sure that you will be happy soon
I've only just seen this. I hope you haven't done anything atrocious! You know some people take longer than others to come around. Don't worry about even the important ones. Your still here and they're still here. And Betty Page? Come on.... Stay strong! (Oh and don't read this for at least one year)!
We are but a speck of dust spinning around on a planet that spins around a sun that spins around the galaxy thats spins around the universe that spins around........................The fact that you exist is a great accomplishment, you are loved by thousands unseen. I'm sending you a hug, now isn't that better?
Serena - I see this video is already two months old... I hope things have brightened for you. I've checked out your videos from time to time, and can tell that you are a beautiful, creative interesting woman.
I can understand being disappointed with a break-up, but don't give up on your transition. You need to be female, and you can reach your goal.
I'm MTF identified, but have always been too afraid to transition. You've done the hard part, and I'd really like to see you complete SRS.
here is a little heads up friends. I'm about to start blocking anyone that leaves any futher negative comments or those that verbally bash me. I've already blocked two people and I have no reservations on blocking more so knock it off and STFU.
I did my best not to read the other comments, but I sure feel your angst. I sure wish I was there to help you with this, but In lieu of that I can only say you are still an inspiration and offer me hope.
I can assure you that you are not alone in this. If your friend is a true friend then he will be back if he is strong enough to deal with his discomfort of finding out. Let time and communication decide the outcome.... not emotion. Let yourself calm down and find solace in rationality. <3
My heart breaks for you on your last Vlog I know of the pain you feel Please do not give up hope! Around the bend, the next dawn, the next hill may be hope Things change, the wind changes, the weather, sun and the moon, the seasons there is hope! Ever read R. A. Salvatore's books the "Legends of Drizzt" Read them and it'll help you see things from a new perspective! Take care, and hang in there please!
I just wanted to say that I'm so terribly sorry about what happened, and wish that I could help in any way I could. Though I'd imagine it will ultimately ring hollow, the only real suggestion I can make is for you to get out of there and start over. It's fairly clear from what you said that there's nothing binding you there anymore, staying there is only going to hurt you more and more as time goes on. Just remember that everyone can find strength somewhere, even at the darkest of times.
Quit being emoteful ; you're a martial artist, a warrior .Take stock in yourself .Think , If you know the mistake you made don't repeat it .If it's meant for her to be with you , she'll be back . Until then, think! Solitude comes from the understanding of the calmness- thought realized thru loniness. .( and Betty Page was a bit CLASSY!) . .take it as a compliment , , ,
I can do whatever I want and you have no right judge me unless you've been me and been there and feel what I feel. Until that day comes I and show my pain in anyway I feel like it.
you can't trust someone that doesn't know who they are and is that unstable to be a good person all their life. Her old friends all warned be about her but I didn't want to listen because I was happy and she was making that happen. They were all completely right. She changed and is a terrible person right now and not one I care to know. The girl I knew is dead now and everything she ever told was a lie.
So i take it that you don't want ever to get back with her again?.
So did she just stop loving you, supporting you and caring for you?.
I can well understand your feelings of being afraid to go any distance from home over there in case you get lost, also it sound as if employment is hard to come by there as well.
I want to get back with her but I want her to be the Tamsin she was when I fell in love with her. Not this childish, arrogant, spiteful, vindictive, resentful, selfish, lying, regressed, heartless bitch that she is right now. Everything she ever told me was a lie and I hate her for that. If what she really wanted was a dirty ugly crossdresser she should have told me from the beginning. I wasted so much time and money on her and I'll never be able to trust anyone again.
Sometimes people change and in some cases they go from being the best person in the world to the worst kind of person. This is the case with Tamsin. She was so great and now it is all about her. As long as she is happy she doesn't care how many people she hurts in the process. She is completely selfish and cares about no one but herself.
I've never felt more alone than I do right now. I never thought I wouldn't have anyone in my corner ever again but that is not the case. I am alone again just like before.
When are you going to come back and post another video? I started on you the middle of the week. I found your story, life path, such a wonderful trail. Then, you and your special friend came to an awful space. Well, you have the right to be hurt, angry, pissed, and totally out on your ass. But, there are a lot of us out here who have come to really like you, want to see you, and in some strange way need a Serena fix. We still love you, are pulling for you and hoping you'll return ASAP. Thanks!
I havnt kept up with your vids in a long time..Im sorry your having a hard time..We wouldnt learn anything in life if we didnt go through shit..Ill have to catch up with your vids..Good luck honey..You will make it..
Hi Serena,your pain certainly comes out,it hurts me as I so welcomed your videos.Sensitivity is very hard I lost friends in vietnam and its horrible.I know its hard as I get depressed and loneliness is hard try to think positive.
The extraordinary pain that comes from you in this video is a sign that you are very much alive. I would really be very worried about you if you just did not care about such things. Unfortunately, the more sensitively alive we are, the more it hurts when life kicks us in the heart.
You have accomplished much. The tremendous will you have expressed to really be yourself in this world is a triumph of the nobility of your spirit. The people you have inspired are rightly inspired by you.
I've just watched Episode 1 again (28380 views) and there are thousands of people who still love you Serena, I'm not saying it's going to be easy but we all still love you because your you. All my best wishes.
Neither does my mother or father but there is nothing I can do about it and doesn't make it hurt any less. People just keep dropping out of my life and I never realised how much it really sucks to be alone until I actually was alone.
If i could take it away from you right now, i would.
But all i can do, is try to help you as best i can.
In no way should those people behave that way towards you.
I thought that your parents were far more understanding towards you than that, except that religious sister of yours that you mentioned before quite some time ago in one of your vlogs.
Serena, the more i watch you video the more it brings back the pain i suffered earlier this year and to am extent still suffer. Time WILL heal and you will get stronger. Remember that transition is something we don't have a say over it something that has to be done so don't give up as you've come a long way. You are a unique person like all of up who are trans.
Oh god girl I really know what kinda thing your going through. 8 months of anxiety attacks, suicide attempts and all because I'm trans and couldn't accept it. I can kinda feel your pain & hurt by your video but it will get better trust me on that, just don't chuck in the transition and ignore the ignorant shites that tell you otherwise.
Oh god girl I really know what kinda thing your going through. 8 months of anxiety attacks, suicide attempts and all because I'm trans and couldn't accept it. I can kinda feel your pain & hurt by your video but it will get better trust me on that, just don't chuck in the transition and ignore the ignorant shites that tell you otherwise.
People don't know what it's like to be constantly tearing yourself apart on a daily basis. I've been in that space of dispair and it's not nice. Please please stay srong Serena as you are an inspiriation to many in the trans community. It's really tough what nature has dealt us and the average "Joe soap" has no idea how difficult it actually is.
OMG finally someone that understands and said something decent for a change and not all this "what happened is not that bad just pick yourself up and move on" crap. No one truely knows what it is like to lose someone so important in my life and to regret everything I said and done over the past nine months. There is no magic happy pill or anything that can heal this broken heart. Not after I was sailing into light and then fell into this deep dark cold hole I am in with no way to climb out.
Hi Serena, I don't believe in God either. But I strongly believe in making the best life possible in the brief time we are here. You made a very bold move to be what your want to be. Right now I know things are very hard and yes we don't really know how you feel. We are just virtual friends out there in La La land. But you have a strong spirit. I hope you find it, because is very contagious. Sends you a Big Hug.
Some things get to a point where its a little much. You lost a relationship with some girl who lives on the other side of the world. Your internet relationship who you only met a few times. God....get off the pitty pot and stop feeling sorry for urself.
Serena you are so so young.. You have gotten a lot out of this because think of all the experince you have gained.
Just be kind to yourself at this time and you will NOT be alone for the rest of your life. In a couple of years when you meet someone else this will seem like a distant memory.
My heart goes out to you.....the pain is real, girl. I have been there too...Even after 11 years the pain still surfaces once in a while, but it has faded as time has marched on. You are wonderful, unique and special just as you are! Be good and love yourself!
You have no idea of what the bottom is like. Try living under a bridge with no job and digging for food in garbage cans or begging. You can't get a shower or clean in any way. Then you will find what real bottom is like. You have a roof over your head, a job--even if you hate it, and have more intellegence than most. Take the good and screw the bad
I will only say this one more time. I AM NOT GOING TO A FUCKING THERAPIST! NOT NOW NOT EVER! They don't help anyway all they do is suck up money and make you take happy pills. Well if I am so far gone that I need to take a fucking happy pill just go get through my day then I am better off dead.
I think that your fans would much rather hear about you and making vlog's about triumph's in life as your transgender life, life indeed has gotten the best of you. and it will only get harded still , you aint seen nothing yet dear , I highly recommend you seek real counciling someplace not an LGBT office , but a mainstream physician. , your level of denial & depression seems sever to me , prolly you will need Meds for treatment , goto DSHS offices in your area,
Wow, to think you two think you are the only one's that had their heart broken. Yes it hurts like hell and us humans go through it way too often. My heart was broken and believe me it felt like something stabbed me to death. But we humans tend to have good survival skills and we get our feet back up, the sun shines again, and we ready for the next human tragedy. Serena you are Angry and Mad, and that is fine. We have one life, and damn it you are only 26. You will figure it out.
No one seems to get it. She was not just a girlfriend. Not just my heart was broken, all my dreams and hopes were crushed as well. I didn't just lose a girlfriend I lost EVERYTHING. Everything was riding on going back there and being with her and now none of it is going to happen. It is like my entire life has just been destroyed. Anyone in my possition would feel the same. How can I take my life in a new direction when no other direction is where I want to go?
Serena, go back and watch some of your videos, they are so inspiriring. Then please look at the last two video's. Unfortunately, you don't know the good you have done and worse you don't appreciate it (all these people writing in to you). You ABSOLUTELY should talk to someone and I mean now. Death, while it may seem welcome is permanent and there are JOY's in LIFE that will come and you will miss. I know death, I've seen it and it is not pretty in any form nor is it anything at all to welcome.
there hasn't been any joy in my life lately. I really wouldn't miss it much to be honest. All I keep doing it sitting around and going "Fuck what's next" and I always have to find out. I can't even escape into my game WoW anymore because the lastest patch fucked it up for me. I was looking forward to this patch too and it turned out to be a nightmare like everything else I look forward to.
I don't want to make any decisions I just want to make one that will make everything just stop. I've really had enough out of life. It's given me nothing but sorrow and agony. Why would I want to continue in something like that? Christ my body and brain don't even match up. How unlucky does one have to be to have that happen among everthing else?
Besides why go to the trouble of getting a job so I could stay in a place with two people that showed me on a daily basis that they would rather I not be there. I got that attitude from them everyday and I'm sorry but it got to me. I finally couldn't take it anymore without feeling overwhelmed with guilt
it sucks going through depression, it comes with transition....when you come to the end of transition the depression will fade away. dont give up, find love in yourself not in a relationship, focus on your transition and put your all into it and forget about lost relationships and instead build a stronger relationship with yourself.
How can I beging to love myself when the person I love the most keeps telling me what a fucking abusive bitch I am? I do not love myself and I will never love myself because everything I touch I ruin. Just like my poster I made for school and said the more people know me the more they wish they didn't know me at all.
How can you love anyone if you dont love yourself. Take this time and focus on you and your transition, when trying to transition a relationship can stand in your way. Do the things you have talked about like electro, and what ever else.
Well I never have loved myself but was told by Tamsin herself ,in writing, that I was the perfect lover so apparently I have the rare ablity to love someone without loving myself. I guess one gains that ability when your life gets started off on the wrong foot from the 1st trimester.
well as a fellow trans person we all start off on the wrong foot, its what you do with it, you can stay on the wrong foot or make the jump. at a point you just need to suck it up and get over it and move on with life, and life is what you make of it. my life was not easy but I overcame it, and because it wasnt easy i dont feel sorry for others, so I say this with good intent.....suck it up move on, work on yourself, and stop whimpering
That's easier said than done. No one seems to understand this was the my last chance at being happy and it was all for not. It's over it's just fucking over. My life has become such a nightmare in such a short time I don't want to see what else is going to happen anymore.
For all the anger and hurt that you are showing to the world, I could write a lot here to tell you. Give advice like go to a therapist or shake you till your head flops in all directions for your attitude and yell at you to look at what you do have. I'm not going to.
I want to ask this: DID YOU ACTUALLY APOLOGIZE TO TAMSIN?
If not, do so now. Who knows, maybe it helps to restore the relation.
If not, Carson (duplicatekeys) maybe able to help you a bit, see his comment.
I've done everything that I can do. I've begged her for forgiviness. Even though other people she forgave did far worse things to her than I ever did I'm not worthy of being forgiven.
I DO forgive you! Didn't I say that already? I forgive you for making stupid decisions, your intentions and heart was in the right place. I don't resent you for leaving. I just don't feel the same type of love that I once felt.
And didn't I say I will not accept that, ever. No one and I mean no one can love someone that deeply and just have it change one day. If you can only love someone passionately as long as they never say "no" then that is pretty shallow. Why did you cling to me so desprately and make me promise I would never leave you if you could just up and leave me when ever? What kind of sick mind fuck is that?
If that is true then you really haven't forgiven me at all. I DID NOT abuse you. I wish you would stop clinging to that like a "get out of jail for free card". I said and did allot of things that were not called for but I was also going through a tough time and I counldn't help it no more than you going lady violence on me at times but I choose to grin and bare it can deal with it like and adult instead of going "I hate you, I want to break up, you are absusing me"
FFS even if I was abusing you, if you loved me as much as you said you did numerous times then that wouldn't have changed how to felt about me. I know how ubuse works since I've seen my sister in it for many years now. You said you loved me and nothing would ever change that. You said you would never leave me. You knowing lieing any toying with a peson's emotions could be a form of abuse from your end.
Besides did I or did I not give in to you with what ever you wanted to do? I might not have liked it but I would have just dealt with it like my dad does with my mom having her annoying friend over to our house at times. I can't be expected to like everything you do since I'm not you nor can I be expected to jump for joy when ever you do things I don't really like. When you got the undercut I turned away and wouldn't watch and then you thought it was funny. You'd call that abusive now.
I am so sorry.. But this is not the end.... Im getting married and I can imagine that loosing my soon to be husband would kill me.. but the music must go on.. I am sure in time when your heart mends you will be fine.. im not telling u about your future, or meeting a new love.. im just going to say.. i hope time mends your amazing heart
I can stop the music any time I want to. How do you pick up the pieces of an old life? How do you go on when you start to begin to understand in your heart, there is no going back? There are some things time can not mend, some hurts go to deep and take hold. I only now understand what those words mean, but I have no gray havens to sail away to.
14 months ago, at age 49, & while recovering from SRS I watched the 1st vlog I'd ever seen on YT. Even then it was over a year old & I remember my mouth falling open upon discovering that the pretty, young woman before me was trans. Intrigued, I went back to #1 & watched them all.
Now you're on 59.
Control over your life slipped away briefly & now you must take it back.
Change jobs, get a 2nd job, relocate -- do what you must for YOU.
Well now, we can continue this dance where I express flawed wisdom & you display anger, but me trying to live your life is absurd in the extreme.
Observations:
Anger is actually a 1st step ahead. Your parents DID take you back in, Serena & all. If you're waffling on transition people WILL try to sway you THEIR way. Your present job tolerates you. If Tamsin was perfect she'd be here. You've managed to save enough for Australia twice!
It's not about the difficulty, it's about what you want.
It is true Tamsin is not perfect but then againt neither am I. I don't want her to be perfect and I can't ask for that or I will never be happy with her. All I want from her is her love and to accept mine. I want her to stop being angry at me and stop flaming me and just be nice like she used to be. It was allot better when I was able to say some things that were right once in awhile.
I know you're opposed to therapy, but psychologists don't prescribe meds & different therapists have different styles. Some really are exceptional.
I believe you lost your sense of self the day you departed for Australia & I believe you knew it (watch your own video). You must be your own person & love yourself in order to give yourself to another, regardless of her faults.
You really need someone impartial to talk to in person & at length.
You have the right to feel down, but not like this. You are a beautiful woman and will find love again. This minor problem will only make you stronger, believe me. But please stop complaining en bitching and get back on track. Life isn't over, it's a new start. Get a hold of yourself.
Actually you have no right to tell me this is a MINOR problem. You have no idea what she meant to me. You can not even begin to imagine how important she was to me or how I feel about her. You have no idea how heart broken I am or how much it hurts me every single day so I will stop complaining when I feel like it.
Please, "don't fear the reaper", "that death may come quickly". That's f***ing bullsh*t. Just because a loved one is out of your life? Grow up. I always enjoyed your vlogs, they were an inspiration to all transgenders. And now this crap?
I missed you more than you can know. You're going through a rough time in your life. These things happen to everybody, no matter how much you might think otherwise. Hopefully the catharsis was helpful. I see so many positive things in you that you may find yourself discovering with time. I DO look up to you. I DO feel inspired by you. I know it's difficult to find the good parts of your life right now, but that's where you should focus. I hope to see you again soon.
hey girl, you have good skin and look why don't you go to skincare/esthetician school get certified in 3 months and you'll have a great job. and get a boyfriend and bam everything will be great!
You are putting way too much effort and energy into the wrong directions. You are barking up the wrong tree. Just think, if you put all this effort into positive directions, you would not be in this mess.
The only possitive direction I have it the one that has you in it. I know deep down you'll always be mine. After all why else have you kept "my heart" all this time not to mention my journals, my shirts, and my pillow?
It sounds like you've learned a valuable life lesson. Now it's time to brace up, and move on. I'm 54 and I could tell you absolute nightmare stories of things that have happened to me through the years. Things that would make you cringe. But I got through them. Get out of that Po-Dunk town, and go somewhere more cosmopolitan. You're young, Strong, and you have a few dollars saved. Don't be angry with those who have turned against you, it's not their fault, it's incomprehensible to them. Move on!
I'm not young and I'm not strong. Any inner strength I might have had is gone now. I used it all up a long time ago. I'm so tired of trying so hard all the time and not getting anything out of it. You can only do so much without getting anything before you say "piss on it" and give up
Many times it takes a tragedy to trigger something good. Time does indeed heal all. You need to move from South Dakota even if you live in a crummy mobile home and work at Walmart. Make a new life for yourself don't try to make over your old life. You can do it. There are lot's of places that will accept you, go find them. Think of all the positive comment people that are pulling for you. The Universe does give happiness but it must be worked for.
What's wrong with you people? Don't you get it? I don't want to move somewhere and live a shitty life alone. I can live a shitty life alone for free here. The only motivation I had to move half way around the world was so I didn't have to be alone and I could be with someone I loved more than anything even if she was annoying sometimes. I have nothing to gain by moving and lots of money to lose for nothing.
Who said anything about being alone? Bigger cities have more people, more opportunities, more jobs, and More Trans Folk! Or, How about rooming with another trans?
I would never room with another trans. I have enough problems with not being able to stand myself. Two self absorbed bitches would be too many. Besides I was going to a bigger city. I was going to do to Sydney until March ended.
I know it's hard to jump into the world alone but you've got to. On my son's 24th birthday we had a cake, gave him a present and informed him that he would have to be gone before he was 25 even if he would be homeless. Sounds mean I know but now he's married with 2 children a wife and a good job. Yeah he had some tough times but now he has a life! You can have one too! Lot's of us want nothing but the best for you and don't like seeing you hurting but sometimes hurt makes things happen .
Babes, trust me on this one, you can get through this!! We all get that "WTF am I doing this for", and those days when despair seems to touch us, those are the days when we need to get angry, to get raged, anything that will fuel your Will To Survive!
We are all noble souls, and noble souls always have reverence for themselves. If you have to get angry then do so, give this world the middle finger, then pick yourself up and go out and give it to 'em! But please dont give up.
Sweet heart, I know you feel like crap right now, and you may have hear this before, but I firmly believe that God loves you and He has a reason for this. Remember, he never tells his children No, he says yes, not at this point in time, and I have something better. This may be Him telling you He has something better for your life. Lots of love, girl, You have a lot of people rooting for you! God loves you and I love you!
Don't waste your breath, honey. Serena does not believe in God and saying that God is making her upset for a reason will only depress her more. Christ, get a life.
I have one, a very happy one that God has blessed tremendously TYVM. You and anyone else has a right as a human being to believe or not to believe in God. But I think that knowing He is always with you, to never leave you, and to always love you is a heck of a lot better than believing that He doesn't exist and to feel totally unloved and alone, right? Have you by chance heard the expression "tough love?"
i am sorry you feel that God doesn't exist, but like I said before, it is your right to believe or not to believe. I can only share my experience that He was there for me when I myself had no one else to turn to, because of being trans. I did not mean to misspell your name. You may not feel alone or unloved, but Serena does, why not forgive her. I don't know the circumstances for which you are no longer friends, but people make mistakes, it is the unfortunate flaw of being human.
I beg your pardon, I did not know you had such an aversion to things like that. Your acting like a little girl, so I thought I'd treat ya like one. "I don't feel the same about you as I once did-" So Middle school.
Excuse me?! Where do you get off mocking my emotions?! This is not middle school! I graduated highschool, from "grade" 12 two years ago. I'm only 20 but I'm not emotionally immature. I'm not acting like a little girl, you're just being a condescending agist moron. I'm sorry the only love you can feel is for imaginary friends.
I do apologize...I was out of line. I guess this is what we americans call "eating crow." But really, it doesn't solve anything to call others names, and that goes for me, too. I was in a horrible mood this morning, but that's no excuse. I hope you'll forgive me:) But, what you describe as "silly pet names" I describe as terms of endearment. You ARE a bright, intelligent girl who has her head on her shoulders. I just hope that you know what you're doing.
Also, I know that you called me a moron, and said that the only one I can feel is for imaginary people, because of what I said, and I did deserve it. But, if you don't mind, please respect my beliefs, as I do respect yours. Just because we don't agree with eachother, doesn't mean we have to be ugly. We could easliy be friends:)
You've peaked my curiosity, devaloki. How do you know he "enjoyed," as you put it, 9/11? Seeing as how you obviously don't believe in Him, I would imagine you wouldn't have the motivation to know anything about Him. Just curious
Still doesn't explain how you know He is blood-thirsty. I really started commenting to only give Serena comfort, not so much to start a religious debate on who believes what.
When you realise, the stark reality of what preachers do to people, it's evil and vile disguised as "showing people the light", the underhanded and subtle tactics and methods that they use to gain control of people is truly disgusting.
If there was a god the only thing he deserves is a swift kick in his holy nuts. There is nothing better than what I had. Why do you think it took so long for us to find each other and we happened to be on opposite sides of the world? Where do you think I will find someone better, MARS?
You may say that now, because of the way you feel, and you have every right to feel that way. You've just had your heart broken; but you're letting your depression, anger, and maybe even hate overrule everything right now. You need to let your mind clear a little before you do or say anything.
You may very well have found the right person, and if it is meant to be, then it WILL happen. Whatever happened between you, Tamsen may be licking her wounds. Give her time and she may contact you.
My mind will never clear. Either I did everything wrong and deserve to die for it or she is wrong and I have to make her see her error. I can't go on with someone else with the lingering thought that I would be with someone many times better if I hadn't done or did do some things. How can I go on with life knowing the one I really wanted was denied. How can I love someone else knowing they aren't my first choice, not who I really wanted but who I got stuck with after I lost who I really want
Sweetheart, I understand completely how you feel. But right now your heartbreak is fresh. IT is hard to fathom being with anyone else. But after a while, the hurt will let up, and you may after time find someone a lot better! There are so many people who have been in your shoes, and thought they found "the one," but they split up and one or both end up finding someone so much better it was worth it all! (continued)
If you feel Tamsin is worth fighting for, you must realize it is not ALL just your fault. Even if you've made mistakes, you are only human, and if Tamsin is as wonderful as you claim, she sees that. It may not be what you've done per se, Tamsin may have a lot of other stuff going on that is making her react this way. If you can, try being friends with her again, and get to the point where you can discuss it. That's how you know you're in the right relationship, when you can talk about it.
that's what I was trying to do so many times when we were still engaged. I knew we were having some problems with our differences in some areas and I wanted to try talking it out calmly and objectively like adults but instead she reacted like a four year old and threw a temper tantrum everytime. You can't really discuss anything when someone is so pissed they can't see straight. You don't know how immature she is when she gets upset. Two year olds act more mature than her when she is upset.
Oh, yes I do...(I guess I could have phrased it more politely) but I told her the way she was acting was "So middle school" and she called me a condescending agist moron" and told me that the only love I get is from "imaginary friends" (God). But...It seems to me that if you want to be in this relationship, you will spend all of your married life always being the one to make the sacrifices, having to do things her way all of the time to keep peace between you (cont.)
Unless she can mature emotionally, and I am not saying she cannot, you will not be happy. a relationship is a two-way street, having both sides give and take equally. If one only gives, and one only takes, it will not end well, I fear. Don't get me wrong, I am certain she has a lot of wonderful attributes, You wouldn't be so heartbroken if she didn't, but in my opinion, she needs to mature somewhat emotionally before she's ready for a true relationship period. Otherwise it won't last.
don't worry about Tamsin, she is just a selfish immature little slut that wants to be one of life's rejects and fucked by everyone of life's rejects. As I am one of life's rejects she got what she wanted out of me and saw something else that looked more interesting. Since I outlived my usefullness I was disposed off. She made up all these false reasons to try to justify to herself and everyone else what she was doing. Deep down I know she knows she is wrong and I am right.
yes, I see that you're right. I am just sorry this had to happen. I can only imagine the pain you've felt. But if Tamsin is not the one for you, as hard as it might seem now, you WILL find the right one, one who is not selfish, not childish, who still holds the same wonderful attributes as she did, and with whom you can always see yourself. (cont)
I know you may not belive me now, but mark my words, she is just around the corner :) I wish you the best of luck and love always, and you ARE special and you have a special purpose on this earth.
I your depression you claim to be a failure and a weirdo. That's not the picture I have of you since I began watching your vlogs in late 2007. You then spoke proudly of assembling your own computer system. Though you mentioned being insecure your presents on YT speaks volumes about another side of you. Never forget these special qualities you've shared with so many.
Ps- sorry one last little item before I go here , dont live your life always worring about what others maythink of you , just take what you've learned and apply it , sometimes a friend may really not be one , life is too short to wollow in the mud. dont accepct failure , get that self esteem and be a wolf, that what a wolf does...gotta be a wolf...anywho I'm off , Take Care , Grab a Beer you'll be fine...
After I got outta the Military , I drank heavily for years , PTSD , Depression , all that , I see you recognize it , thats good tho, but your last statment is worry some about the big " D " Death , I've seen death , you dont nor should you ever want to go their, seek out help in your town there's no shame in it at all....it may save your life...
I dare to say in a nut shell , you are whom you are , Gender and all , however it seems to me like you allow to much worthless crap like transitioning to rule your life and longdistant love , all a huge drain , ( no offence tho-) real life is out in the real world , meeting people , etc. , the world is not nor will it ever be kind and or accepting of TG's , thats a fact, soo why make life that much harder, Best of Luck to ya...S
Sorry for the long comment and I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup. Maybe you two will get back together but, if not, you have so much ahead of you. You are not a freak; you are a beautiful and special person with so much ability, drive and determination. You will do so much in the future once you move past this bad patch. There are so many other people waiting to love you; you simply have to find them (and you will). If it is what you want,
I hope you get back together with Tamsin but, if not make a new plan and follow it through. Look at yourself objective and you can't help but be impressed with all that you've done. Your dream is not impossible; you are just depressed and today is just today. Please keep following your dreams and your desire to be who you are. I don't believe it will be a disappointment; you just need to time to heal. I hope death does not find you because you are strong and you will survive.
This world needs people like you so I hope you stay in it. I lost a relationship of 18 years and I am still here. I wish there was a way for you to objectively see what's possible for you; you would be impressed. Hang on, take it day by day and I hope we hear from you again. Good luck and thanks for sharing with us.
You think that NO ONE cares about you ?well you have 1356 viewers that in there own way care. They may not post it but they would not keep coming back if they didn't.. I CARE!
Very sad.. Now that I have said that! Let me ask you a question.. Are you transitioning for YOU or for everyone else in the universe... I thought it was to make yourself happy.. You think that the universe is out to get you.. Well I have news for you.. The universe cares about NO-ONE! and wishing for death, or doing something as selfish as causing your own death will not sway it one way or the other... I can say these things as I have been where you are now.. More then once..
I was transitioning to make myself happy but why do something that I know will end in failure? Why set myself up for another massive disappointment? In the end I will not be happy I will be dsisappointed so why get my hopes up? Besides what is a victory when there is no one left to share it with?
I'm not going to talk to anyone. No one understands anyway. Especially not some crack pot therapist that will tell me I have so much happiness ahead of me. Yea? Well where the hell is it? All I ever get is disappointed right before I get anything I want. I'm even scared to put my new PC together because that I am looking forward to so I can only imagine what will happen.
you are not a freak you are a special person . keep that in mind . do not let what others say to you bring you down keep your head help high. merrzmass have a good one hope you put up a nre vifd up soon cheer up its gonna get worse before it gets better
bach231 2 years ago
foster some hope........it so sad that you have young tranny girl that look at you as inspiration and you cant see how special that to just be that. Fuck being an athlete or genius in school or in love....your fan and subs love you....and you can find someone new for your personal life...they come and go....we are transgender ALLL have shitty luck and experience.....we get over it.....the future i bright as you make it.....HOPE get some
nochokin 2 years ago
Hi I think you can make it thuogh the hard times just remember you got a lot to give I am 51 and the father of three girls the young guste 18 hang in there and think there are other how starded trans but stop for there life woulnd have been love Kristen
msChris47362 2 years ago
Hey, don´t cry baby, you are really sexy, i love you and your zelda´s t-sirt. I have seen your photos and i think you have a lot of reasons to be here, and don´t worry because you are really beauty, i am sure that you gonna find someone fantastaic in your live and im sure that you will be happy soon
masjevikelinfierno 2 years ago
sounds very encouraging you always where nice and pretty looking
just need some good luck finding a new and better friend etc
scanguy21 2 years ago
I've only just seen this. I hope you haven't done anything atrocious! You know some people take longer than others to come around. Don't worry about even the important ones. Your still here and they're still here. And Betty Page? Come on.... Stay strong! (Oh and don't read this for at least one year)!
jeaniebett 2 years ago
We are but a speck of dust spinning around on a planet that spins around a sun that spins around the galaxy thats spins around the universe that spins around........................The fact that you exist is a great accomplishment, you are loved by thousands unseen. I'm sending you a hug, now isn't that better?
Love!
Rachelxdresser 2 years ago
NO that isn't better.
Serena4226 2 years ago
Serena - I see this video is already two months old... I hope things have brightened for you. I've checked out your videos from time to time, and can tell that you are a beautiful, creative interesting woman.
I can understand being disappointed with a break-up, but don't give up on your transition. You need to be female, and you can reach your goal.
I'm MTF identified, but have always been too afraid to transition. You've done the hard part, and I'd really like to see you complete SRS.
riverwest1 2 years ago
here is a little heads up friends. I'm about to start blocking anyone that leaves any futher negative comments or those that verbally bash me. I've already blocked two people and I have no reservations on blocking more so knock it off and STFU.
Serena4226 2 years ago
I did my best not to read the other comments, but I sure feel your angst. I sure wish I was there to help you with this, but In lieu of that I can only say you are still an inspiration and offer me hope.
I can assure you that you are not alone in this. If your friend is a true friend then he will be back if he is strong enough to deal with his discomfort of finding out. Let time and communication decide the outcome.... not emotion. Let yourself calm down and find solace in rationality. <3
phinnyd 2 years ago
that is allot easier said than done
Serena4226 2 years ago
my compliments to you that was very well put
scanguy21 2 years ago
I just want to thank you so much for our conversations, you have given me so much more understanding of the situation that you are in.
I am very grateful to you for this.
Thanks.
louisevale2 2 years ago
Serena,
My heart breaks for you on your last Vlog I know of the pain you feel Please do not give up hope! Around the bend, the next dawn, the next hill may be hope Things change, the wind changes, the weather, sun and the moon, the seasons there is hope! Ever read R. A. Salvatore's books the "Legends of Drizzt" Read them and it'll help you see things from a new perspective! Take care, and hang in there please!
greenknight63 2 years ago
be true to yourself
(easy to say, difficult to live)
I will think of you
redqueento 2 years ago
cool it with the bitterness act
you know some people do have a right to express their opinions weather good or bad
do not be soooo hard on yourself
shit does and will happen in your life
you need to just DEAL WITH IT
the best way possible
please be strong and stay on top of things
we all love ya
scanguy21 2 years ago
if you don't knock it off you are on your way to being banned so I suggest you can it.
Serena4226 2 years ago
well so sorry that i had upset you
i guess i have to be more careful
sorry and i do apoligize for my
outspoken comments
scanguy21 2 years ago
I just wanted to say that I'm so terribly sorry about what happened, and wish that I could help in any way I could. Though I'd imagine it will ultimately ring hollow, the only real suggestion I can make is for you to get out of there and start over. It's fairly clear from what you said that there's nothing binding you there anymore, staying there is only going to hurt you more and more as time goes on. Just remember that everyone can find strength somewhere, even at the darkest of times.
~Mara
MaraMystery26 2 years ago
Quit being emoteful ; you're a martial artist, a warrior .Take stock in yourself .Think , If you know the mistake you made don't repeat it .If it's meant for her to be with you , she'll be back . Until then, think! Solitude comes from the understanding of the calmness- thought realized thru loniness. .( and Betty Page was a bit CLASSY!) . .take it as a compliment , , ,
ne47 2 years ago
that sounds like good understanding support for serena
and i would hope that serena is somewhat grateful for the present support she is getting from
all you nice fans out there
the more good spirited support she gets the better
keep strong serena you are the best and you should understand that
scanguy21 2 years ago
I certainly don't like seeing Serena upset like she is scanguy21.
And i'll offer her all the support she wants.
louisevale2 2 years ago
I can do whatever I want and you have no right judge me unless you've been me and been there and feel what I feel. Until that day comes I and show my pain in anyway I feel like it.
Serena4226 2 years ago
I say one thing with absolute certainty though Serena.
To say that all your vlogs were outstanding and that they helped people would be a very gross understatement.
louisevale2 2 years ago
you can't trust someone that doesn't know who they are and is that unstable to be a good person all their life. Her old friends all warned be about her but I didn't want to listen because I was happy and she was making that happen. They were all completely right. She changed and is a terrible person right now and not one I care to know. The girl I knew is dead now and everything she ever told was a lie.
Serena4226 2 years ago
So i take it that you don't want ever to get back with her again?.
So did she just stop loving you, supporting you and caring for you?.
I can well understand your feelings of being afraid to go any distance from home over there in case you get lost, also it sound as if employment is hard to come by there as well.
louisevale2 2 years ago
I want to get back with her but I want her to be the Tamsin she was when I fell in love with her. Not this childish, arrogant, spiteful, vindictive, resentful, selfish, lying, regressed, heartless bitch that she is right now. Everything she ever told me was a lie and I hate her for that. If what she really wanted was a dirty ugly crossdresser she should have told me from the beginning. I wasted so much time and money on her and I'll never be able to trust anyone again.
Serena4226 2 years ago
i hear ya honey you do have every right in the world to feel like you have been STABBED IN THE BACK from this terrible incident in your life
and yes i can be hard to trust a person at this time in your life
well tamsin you really know how to kill a relationship espc. in the trust dept ( such an idiot)
serena you do your best to keep the faith
scanguy21 2 years ago
I really can't imagine what went wrong between you and Tamsin.
louisevale2 2 years ago
Sometimes people change and in some cases they go from being the best person in the world to the worst kind of person. This is the case with Tamsin. She was so great and now it is all about her. As long as she is happy she doesn't care how many people she hurts in the process. She is completely selfish and cares about no one but herself.
Serena4226 2 years ago
I've never felt more alone than I do right now. I never thought I wouldn't have anyone in my corner ever again but that is not the case. I am alone again just like before.
Serena4226 2 years ago
When are you going to come back and post another video? I started on you the middle of the week. I found your story, life path, such a wonderful trail. Then, you and your special friend came to an awful space. Well, you have the right to be hurt, angry, pissed, and totally out on your ass. But, there are a lot of us out here who have come to really like you, want to see you, and in some strange way need a Serena fix. We still love you, are pulling for you and hoping you'll return ASAP. Thanks!
MrLittleredfox 2 years ago
I havnt kept up with your vids in a long time..Im sorry your having a hard time..We wouldnt learn anything in life if we didnt go through shit..Ill have to catch up with your vids..Good luck honey..You will make it..
informationseeker26 2 years ago
Hi Serena,your pain certainly comes out,it hurts me as I so welcomed your videos.Sensitivity is very hard I lost friends in vietnam and its horrible.I know its hard as I get depressed and loneliness is hard try to think positive.
tamsin021 2 years ago
amen to you both you need to find your strenths in each other
forgivness is not a sighn of weakness
but a willingness to better understanding of each other
scanguy21 2 years ago
That isn't me you dolt.
LadyVIolence 2 years ago
This has been flagged as spam show
not lose heart - you're a hero
interesting to listen to you and see if everything goes well and remains in spite of the time
alexandremontreuil 2 years ago
not lose heart - you're a hero
interesting to listen to you and see if everything goes well and remains in spite of the time
alexandremontreuil 2 years ago
The extraordinary pain that comes from you in this video is a sign that you are very much alive. I would really be very worried about you if you just did not care about such things. Unfortunately, the more sensitively alive we are, the more it hurts when life kicks us in the heart.
You have accomplished much. The tremendous will you have expressed to really be yourself in this world is a triumph of the nobility of your spirit. The people you have inspired are rightly inspired by you.
dialector 2 years ago
that statement was very well put
thank you for your positive input
serena needs that kind of support
good going
scanguy21 2 years ago
Do not give up, Serena!
That friend was never worth your friendship...no dear there will be others darling..
I really see a young girl so hurt, please not give up, i like you very much.
irismelis 2 years ago
I've just watched Episode 1 again (28380 views) and there are thousands of people who still love you Serena, I'm not saying it's going to be easy but we all still love you because your you. All my best wishes.
camnair 2 years ago
I don't think very much of that man who turned his back on you when he discovered that you are trans.
Your a wonderful young lady Serena.
louisevale2 2 years ago
Neither does my mother or father but there is nothing I can do about it and doesn't make it hurt any less. People just keep dropping out of my life and I never realised how much it really sucks to be alone until I actually was alone.
Serena4226 2 years ago
I'm so sorry about you hurt Serena.
If i could take it away from you right now, i would.
But all i can do, is try to help you as best i can.
In no way should those people behave that way towards you.
I thought that your parents were far more understanding towards you than that, except that religious sister of yours that you mentioned before quite some time ago in one of your vlogs.
louisevale2 2 years ago
Serena, the more i watch you video the more it brings back the pain i suffered earlier this year and to am extent still suffer. Time WILL heal and you will get stronger. Remember that transition is something we don't have a say over it something that has to be done so don't give up as you've come a long way. You are a unique person like all of up who are trans.
MickyKJames 2 years ago
This has been flagged as spam show
Oh god girl I really know what kinda thing your going through. 8 months of anxiety attacks, suicide attempts and all because I'm trans and couldn't accept it. I can kinda feel your pain & hurt by your video but it will get better trust me on that, just don't chuck in the transition and ignore the ignorant shites that tell you otherwise.
*hugs*
MickyKJames 2 years ago
Oh god girl I really know what kinda thing your going through. 8 months of anxiety attacks, suicide attempts and all because I'm trans and couldn't accept it. I can kinda feel your pain & hurt by your video but it will get better trust me on that, just don't chuck in the transition and ignore the ignorant shites that tell you otherwise.
*hugs*
MickyKJames 2 years ago
People don't know what it's like to be constantly tearing yourself apart on a daily basis. I've been in that space of dispair and it's not nice. Please please stay srong Serena as you are an inspiriation to many in the trans community. It's really tough what nature has dealt us and the average "Joe soap" has no idea how difficult it actually is.
MickyKJames 2 years ago
OMG finally someone that understands and said something decent for a change and not all this "what happened is not that bad just pick yourself up and move on" crap. No one truely knows what it is like to lose someone so important in my life and to regret everything I said and done over the past nine months. There is no magic happy pill or anything that can heal this broken heart. Not after I was sailing into light and then fell into this deep dark cold hole I am in with no way to climb out.
Serena4226 2 years ago
if you serena can try to stop all the pitying of yourself MAY BE JUST MAYBE you could start
functioning better
bitterness towards other people doesn't help
you nor will it help you gain the respect of others that care for you
SO PLEASE KNOCK OF THE BITTER RESPONSES
AND SHOW A LITTLE MORE APPRECIATION AND RESPECT TO OTHERS
THANK YOU VERY MUCH
scanguy21 2 years ago
I can do and say whatever I want on my page thank you very much.
Serena4226 2 years ago
I was wondering where you had been, and worried about you.I was afraid that you were going through bad times.
There is no one on earth that you can depend on, so you better look to a higher power!
You can make it!!! You can live and love again. You can be free of your past.
Do not give up on GOD!!!!
sherrygirly 2 years ago
I don't believe in god
Serena4226 2 years ago
Hi Serena, I don't believe in God either. But I strongly believe in making the best life possible in the brief time we are here. You made a very bold move to be what your want to be. Right now I know things are very hard and yes we don't really know how you feel. We are just virtual friends out there in La La land. But you have a strong spirit. I hope you find it, because is very contagious. Sends you a Big Hug.
robinsweet 2 years ago
robinsweet YOU ARE WONDERFUL
that was a very goood point you had made
for our beloved friend SERENA
great going
scanguy21 2 years ago
OMG, watching Serena in this video crying is tearing me apart inside.
I'm in tears here with you Serena, i am crying for you.
If there is anything.........anything i can do, just get in touch with me.
louisevale2 2 years ago
Some things get to a point where its a little much. You lost a relationship with some girl who lives on the other side of the world. Your internet relationship who you only met a few times. God....get off the pitty pot and stop feeling sorry for urself.
danielle11746 2 years ago 2
BITE ME DICKHOLE
Serena4226 2 years ago
Ohh my goodness....your dickhole....dont you think that would hurt?
danielle11746 2 years ago 2
Serena you are so so young.. You have gotten a lot out of this because think of all the experince you have gained.
Just be kind to yourself at this time and you will NOT be alone for the rest of your life. In a couple of years when you meet someone else this will seem like a distant memory.
Fieldofaware 2 years ago
Dearest Serena;
My heart goes out to you.....the pain is real, girl. I have been there too...Even after 11 years the pain still surfaces once in a while, but it has faded as time has marched on. You are wonderful, unique and special just as you are! Be good and love yourself!
pakrat57 2 years ago
You have no idea of what the bottom is like. Try living under a bridge with no job and digging for food in garbage cans or begging. You can't get a shower or clean in any way. Then you will find what real bottom is like. You have a roof over your head, a job--even if you hate it, and have more intellegence than most. Take the good and screw the bad
nycdoc319 2 years ago
I will only say this one more time. I AM NOT GOING TO A FUCKING THERAPIST! NOT NOW NOT EVER! They don't help anyway all they do is suck up money and make you take happy pills. Well if I am so far gone that I need to take a fucking happy pill just go get through my day then I am better off dead.
Serena4226 2 years ago
I think that your fans would much rather hear about you and making vlog's about triumph's in life as your transgender life, life indeed has gotten the best of you. and it will only get harded still , you aint seen nothing yet dear , I highly recommend you seek real counciling someplace not an LGBT office , but a mainstream physician. , your level of denial & depression seems sever to me , prolly you will need Meds for treatment , goto DSHS offices in your area,
LadySierraSays 2 years ago
serena......Cheer Up!! Time heals all wounds...so they say :)
CayForever 2 years ago
I'm sorry your going through all this Serena cause you were the first Trans blog I've ever watched, you made feel not as alone.
You're Not freak and Neither am I ! :)
natsume172 2 years ago
Wow, to think you two think you are the only one's that had their heart broken. Yes it hurts like hell and us humans go through it way too often. My heart was broken and believe me it felt like something stabbed me to death. But we humans tend to have good survival skills and we get our feet back up, the sun shines again, and we ready for the next human tragedy. Serena you are Angry and Mad, and that is fine. We have one life, and damn it you are only 26. You will figure it out.
robinsweet 2 years ago
No one seems to get it. She was not just a girlfriend. Not just my heart was broken, all my dreams and hopes were crushed as well. I didn't just lose a girlfriend I lost EVERYTHING. Everything was riding on going back there and being with her and now none of it is going to happen. It is like my entire life has just been destroyed. Anyone in my possition would feel the same. How can I take my life in a new direction when no other direction is where I want to go?
Serena4226 2 years ago
Serena, go back and watch some of your videos, they are so inspiriring. Then please look at the last two video's. Unfortunately, you don't know the good you have done and worse you don't appreciate it (all these people writing in to you). You ABSOLUTELY should talk to someone and I mean now. Death, while it may seem welcome is permanent and there are JOY's in LIFE that will come and you will miss. I know death, I've seen it and it is not pretty in any form nor is it anything at all to welcome.
mitchdia 2 years ago
there hasn't been any joy in my life lately. I really wouldn't miss it much to be honest. All I keep doing it sitting around and going "Fuck what's next" and I always have to find out. I can't even escape into my game WoW anymore because the lastest patch fucked it up for me. I was looking forward to this patch too and it turned out to be a nightmare like everything else I look forward to.
Serena4226 2 years ago
I don't want to make any decisions I just want to make one that will make everything just stop. I've really had enough out of life. It's given me nothing but sorrow and agony. Why would I want to continue in something like that? Christ my body and brain don't even match up. How unlucky does one have to be to have that happen among everthing else?
Serena4226 2 years ago
Besides why go to the trouble of getting a job so I could stay in a place with two people that showed me on a daily basis that they would rather I not be there. I got that attitude from them everyday and I'm sorry but it got to me. I finally couldn't take it anymore without feeling overwhelmed with guilt
Serena4226 2 years ago
Hi Serana, i have alwys enjoyed your videos and this come as a bit of a shock. Becasue i think you look amazing girl.
Try to stay strong, i know it dosent sound very good but something will turn up and make you smile. Hugs, Kim xx
kimberleyeden 2 years ago
it sucks going through depression, it comes with transition....when you come to the end of transition the depression will fade away. dont give up, find love in yourself not in a relationship, focus on your transition and put your all into it and forget about lost relationships and instead build a stronger relationship with yourself.
danielle11746 2 years ago
How can I beging to love myself when the person I love the most keeps telling me what a fucking abusive bitch I am? I do not love myself and I will never love myself because everything I touch I ruin. Just like my poster I made for school and said the more people know me the more they wish they didn't know me at all.
Serena4226 2 years ago
How can you love anyone if you dont love yourself. Take this time and focus on you and your transition, when trying to transition a relationship can stand in your way. Do the things you have talked about like electro, and what ever else.
danielle11746 2 years ago
Well I never have loved myself but was told by Tamsin herself ,in writing, that I was the perfect lover so apparently I have the rare ablity to love someone without loving myself. I guess one gains that ability when your life gets started off on the wrong foot from the 1st trimester.
Serena4226 2 years ago
well as a fellow trans person we all start off on the wrong foot, its what you do with it, you can stay on the wrong foot or make the jump. at a point you just need to suck it up and get over it and move on with life, and life is what you make of it. my life was not easy but I overcame it, and because it wasnt easy i dont feel sorry for others, so I say this with good intent.....suck it up move on, work on yourself, and stop whimpering
danielle11746 2 years ago
That's easier said than done. No one seems to understand this was the my last chance at being happy and it was all for not. It's over it's just fucking over. My life has become such a nightmare in such a short time I don't want to see what else is going to happen anymore.
Serena4226 2 years ago
see what i mean serena you do in fact have many well wishers as well as myself
and many with some pretty decent idea's and supprtive suggestions
way to go fans keep up the good work
serena needs all our efforts she can get
the more ideas the merrier
thanks to you all
scanguy21 2 years ago
I AM IN DESPAIR!
Let Zetsubou Sensei save you through the madness of japanese comedy!
Let all know that life is worth living and the falacy of positive thinking scorn the day they thought to enjoy a cancer giving sun!
TR000PA 2 years ago
For all the anger and hurt that you are showing to the world, I could write a lot here to tell you. Give advice like go to a therapist or shake you till your head flops in all directions for your attitude and yell at you to look at what you do have. I'm not going to.
I want to ask this: DID YOU ACTUALLY APOLOGIZE TO TAMSIN?
If not, do so now. Who knows, maybe it helps to restore the relation.
If not, Carson (duplicatekeys) maybe able to help you a bit, see his comment.
Love and hugs.
NaomiClareNL 2 years ago
I've done everything that I can do. I've begged her for forgiviness. Even though other people she forgave did far worse things to her than I ever did I'm not worthy of being forgiven.
Serena4226 2 years ago
I DO forgive you! Didn't I say that already? I forgive you for making stupid decisions, your intentions and heart was in the right place. I don't resent you for leaving. I just don't feel the same type of love that I once felt.
LadyVIolence 2 years ago
And didn't I say I will not accept that, ever. No one and I mean no one can love someone that deeply and just have it change one day. If you can only love someone passionately as long as they never say "no" then that is pretty shallow. Why did you cling to me so desprately and make me promise I would never leave you if you could just up and leave me when ever? What kind of sick mind fuck is that?
Serena4226 2 years ago
Oh come off it. You abused me and you CHANGED how I felt because your abuse changed me physiologically.
LadyVIolence 2 years ago
If that is true then you really haven't forgiven me at all. I DID NOT abuse you. I wish you would stop clinging to that like a "get out of jail for free card". I said and did allot of things that were not called for but I was also going through a tough time and I counldn't help it no more than you going lady violence on me at times but I choose to grin and bare it can deal with it like and adult instead of going "I hate you, I want to break up, you are absusing me"
Serena4226 2 years ago
FFS even if I was abusing you, if you loved me as much as you said you did numerous times then that wouldn't have changed how to felt about me. I know how ubuse works since I've seen my sister in it for many years now. You said you loved me and nothing would ever change that. You said you would never leave me. You knowing lieing any toying with a peson's emotions could be a form of abuse from your end.
Serena4226 2 years ago
Besides did I or did I not give in to you with what ever you wanted to do? I might not have liked it but I would have just dealt with it like my dad does with my mom having her annoying friend over to our house at times. I can't be expected to like everything you do since I'm not you nor can I be expected to jump for joy when ever you do things I don't really like. When you got the undercut I turned away and wouldn't watch and then you thought it was funny. You'd call that abusive now.
Serena4226 2 years ago
Listen - someone once told me, 'This too shall pass' and it's the one thing that keeps me going when I'm down. You WILL feel better.
AuntieDiluvian 2 years ago
And someone once said there are no perfect people in this world only perfect intentions. All of mine where perfect and look where it got me.
Serena4226 2 years ago
While some of your comments echo my own feelings sometimes, I don't think your life is over. Maybe a chapter is over, but the book is barely started.
femstarlight 2 years ago
Well when I don't want to know the end of a book I shut it and never read it again.
Serena4226 2 years ago
I am so sorry.. But this is not the end.... Im getting married and I can imagine that loosing my soon to be husband would kill me.. but the music must go on.. I am sure in time when your heart mends you will be fine.. im not telling u about your future, or meeting a new love.. im just going to say.. i hope time mends your amazing heart
jessykapop 2 years ago
I can stop the music any time I want to. How do you pick up the pieces of an old life? How do you go on when you start to begin to understand in your heart, there is no going back? There are some things time can not mend, some hurts go to deep and take hold. I only now understand what those words mean, but I have no gray havens to sail away to.
Serena4226 2 years ago
14 months ago, at age 49, & while recovering from SRS I watched the 1st vlog I'd ever seen on YT. Even then it was over a year old & I remember my mouth falling open upon discovering that the pretty, young woman before me was trans. Intrigued, I went back to #1 & watched them all.
Now you're on 59.
Control over your life slipped away briefly & now you must take it back.
Change jobs, get a 2nd job, relocate -- do what you must for YOU.
I KNOW the strength is there.
I believe in you, Serena
meldenphire 2 years ago
Oh yea and jobs are just everywhere in this economy
Serena4226 2 years ago
Well now, we can continue this dance where I express flawed wisdom & you display anger, but me trying to live your life is absurd in the extreme.
Observations:
Anger is actually a 1st step ahead. Your parents DID take you back in, Serena & all. If you're waffling on transition people WILL try to sway you THEIR way. Your present job tolerates you. If Tamsin was perfect she'd be here. You've managed to save enough for Australia twice!
It's not about the difficulty, it's about what you want.
meldenphire 2 years ago 3
It is true Tamsin is not perfect but then againt neither am I. I don't want her to be perfect and I can't ask for that or I will never be happy with her. All I want from her is her love and to accept mine. I want her to stop being angry at me and stop flaming me and just be nice like she used to be. It was allot better when I was able to say some things that were right once in awhile.
Serena4226 2 years ago
And I am far from perfect.
I know you're opposed to therapy, but psychologists don't prescribe meds & different therapists have different styles. Some really are exceptional.
I believe you lost your sense of self the day you departed for Australia & I believe you knew it (watch your own video). You must be your own person & love yourself in order to give yourself to another, regardless of her faults.
You really need someone impartial to talk to in person & at length.
meldenphire 2 years ago
You have the right to feel down, but not like this. You are a beautiful woman and will find love again. This minor problem will only make you stronger, believe me. But please stop complaining en bitching and get back on track. Life isn't over, it's a new start. Get a hold of yourself.
Cheers
delpiet 2 years ago
Actually you have no right to tell me this is a MINOR problem. You have no idea what she meant to me. You can not even begin to imagine how important she was to me or how I feel about her. You have no idea how heart broken I am or how much it hurts me every single day so I will stop complaining when I feel like it.
Serena4226 2 years ago
Please, "don't fear the reaper", "that death may come quickly". That's f***ing bullsh*t. Just because a loved one is out of your life? Grow up. I always enjoyed your vlogs, they were an inspiration to all transgenders. And now this crap?
delpiet 2 years ago 2
don't like it then don't watch it. I never asked you to in the first place.
Serena4226 2 years ago
and I said "May death find us all quickly"
Serena4226 2 years ago
I missed you more than you can know. You're going through a rough time in your life. These things happen to everybody, no matter how much you might think otherwise. Hopefully the catharsis was helpful. I see so many positive things in you that you may find yourself discovering with time. I DO look up to you. I DO feel inspired by you. I know it's difficult to find the good parts of your life right now, but that's where you should focus. I hope to see you again soon.
CathyInCA 2 years ago
Hang in there Serena
marcibb 2 years ago
hey girl, you have good skin and look why don't you go to skincare/esthetician school get certified in 3 months and you'll have a great job. and get a boyfriend and bam everything will be great!
devaloki 2 years ago
Why the hell would I want a boyfriend, I hate guys. If I wanted a big smelly furry animal in my life I would get a dog.
Serena4226 2 years ago
Good skin? I only have good skin because I was put on a fricken super tanker load of Acutane. My skin is crap but make-up can do wonders.
Serena4226 2 years ago
Comment removed
camillaparker 2 years ago
Here's a big *hug*. I hope you will find a new perspective on things. Also, love your shirt!!
whatisbeneath 2 years ago
YOUR #1 FAN SAYS HANG IN FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN I NEED YOU MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW
and i'm quite sure your fans want you around for as long as possible
if some fans can't see your point of view
than then don't bother serena anymore
she does not need any a'holes asking stupid questions
i will be her DEFENDER
scanguy21 2 years ago
You're just scary.
LadyVIolence 2 years ago
You are putting way too much effort and energy into the wrong directions. You are barking up the wrong tree. Just think, if you put all this effort into positive directions, you would not be in this mess.
LadyVIolence 2 years ago
The only possitive direction I have it the one that has you in it. I know deep down you'll always be mine. After all why else have you kept "my heart" all this time not to mention my journals, my shirts, and my pillow?
Serena4226 2 years ago
It sounds like you've learned a valuable life lesson. Now it's time to brace up, and move on. I'm 54 and I could tell you absolute nightmare stories of things that have happened to me through the years. Things that would make you cringe. But I got through them. Get out of that Po-Dunk town, and go somewhere more cosmopolitan. You're young, Strong, and you have a few dollars saved. Don't be angry with those who have turned against you, it's not their fault, it's incomprehensible to them. Move on!
thecondor7 2 years ago
I'm not young and I'm not strong. Any inner strength I might have had is gone now. I used it all up a long time ago. I'm so tired of trying so hard all the time and not getting anything out of it. You can only do so much without getting anything before you say "piss on it" and give up
Serena4226 2 years ago
Many times it takes a tragedy to trigger something good. Time does indeed heal all. You need to move from South Dakota even if you live in a crummy mobile home and work at Walmart. Make a new life for yourself don't try to make over your old life. You can do it. There are lot's of places that will accept you, go find them. Think of all the positive comment people that are pulling for you. The Universe does give happiness but it must be worked for.
GeenaDaniels 2 years ago
What's wrong with you people? Don't you get it? I don't want to move somewhere and live a shitty life alone. I can live a shitty life alone for free here. The only motivation I had to move half way around the world was so I didn't have to be alone and I could be with someone I loved more than anything even if she was annoying sometimes. I have nothing to gain by moving and lots of money to lose for nothing.
Serena4226 2 years ago
Who said anything about being alone? Bigger cities have more people, more opportunities, more jobs, and More Trans Folk! Or, How about rooming with another trans?
thecondor7 2 years ago
I would never room with another trans. I have enough problems with not being able to stand myself. Two self absorbed bitches would be too many. Besides I was going to a bigger city. I was going to do to Sydney until March ended.
Serena4226 2 years ago
I know it's hard to jump into the world alone but you've got to. On my son's 24th birthday we had a cake, gave him a present and informed him that he would have to be gone before he was 25 even if he would be homeless. Sounds mean I know but now he's married with 2 children a wife and a good job. Yeah he had some tough times but now he has a life! You can have one too! Lot's of us want nothing but the best for you and don't like seeing you hurting but sometimes hurt makes things happen .
Geena
GeenaDaniels 2 years ago
Babes, trust me on this one, you can get through this!! We all get that "WTF am I doing this for", and those days when despair seems to touch us, those are the days when we need to get angry, to get raged, anything that will fuel your Will To Survive!
We are all noble souls, and noble souls always have reverence for themselves. If you have to get angry then do so, give this world the middle finger, then pick yourself up and go out and give it to 'em! But please dont give up.
AlannahBabalon156 2 years ago
Sweet heart, I know you feel like crap right now, and you may have hear this before, but I firmly believe that God loves you and He has a reason for this. Remember, he never tells his children No, he says yes, not at this point in time, and I have something better. This may be Him telling you He has something better for your life. Lots of love, girl, You have a lot of people rooting for you! God loves you and I love you!
lucyba 2 years ago
Don't waste your breath, honey. Serena does not believe in God and saying that God is making her upset for a reason will only depress her more. Christ, get a life.
LadyVIolence 2 years ago
I have one, a very happy one that God has blessed tremendously TYVM. You and anyone else has a right as a human being to believe or not to believe in God. But I think that knowing He is always with you, to never leave you, and to always love you is a heck of a lot better than believing that He doesn't exist and to feel totally unloved and alone, right? Have you by chance heard the expression "tough love?"
lucyba 2 years ago
I don't feel unloved or alone at all. That's the problem with you theists. You can't IMAGINE love without IMAGINARY friends.
And my name is spelled as TAMSIN! I have healed my wounds.
LadyVIolence 2 years ago
i am sorry you feel that God doesn't exist, but like I said before, it is your right to believe or not to believe. I can only share my experience that He was there for me when I myself had no one else to turn to, because of being trans. I did not mean to misspell your name. You may not feel alone or unloved, but Serena does, why not forgive her. I don't know the circumstances for which you are no longer friends, but people make mistakes, it is the unfortunate flaw of being human.
lucyba 2 years ago
I do forgive her.
LadyVIolence 2 years ago
have you told her, sweetheart?
lucyba 2 years ago
Yes, and do not call me any silly pet names.
LadyVIolence 2 years ago
I beg your pardon, I did not know you had such an aversion to things like that. Your acting like a little girl, so I thought I'd treat ya like one. "I don't feel the same about you as I once did-" So Middle school.
lucyba 2 years ago
Excuse me?! Where do you get off mocking my emotions?! This is not middle school! I graduated highschool, from "grade" 12 two years ago. I'm only 20 but I'm not emotionally immature. I'm not acting like a little girl, you're just being a condescending agist moron. I'm sorry the only love you can feel is for imaginary friends.
LadyVIolence 2 years ago
I do apologize...I was out of line. I guess this is what we americans call "eating crow." But really, it doesn't solve anything to call others names, and that goes for me, too. I was in a horrible mood this morning, but that's no excuse. I hope you'll forgive me:) But, what you describe as "silly pet names" I describe as terms of endearment. You ARE a bright, intelligent girl who has her head on her shoulders. I just hope that you know what you're doing.
lucyba 2 years ago
Also, I know that you called me a moron, and said that the only one I can feel is for imaginary people, because of what I said, and I did deserve it. But, if you don't mind, please respect my beliefs, as I do respect yours. Just because we don't agree with eachother, doesn't mean we have to be ugly. We could easliy be friends:)
lucyba 2 years ago
jesus was there enjoying the crusades. and he also enjoyed 9/11 . he is 'awesome' god
devaloki 2 years ago
You've peaked my curiosity, devaloki. How do you know he "enjoyed," as you put it, 9/11? Seeing as how you obviously don't believe in Him, I would imagine you wouldn't have the motivation to know anything about Him. Just curious
lucyba 2 years ago
even if he were real, he's and his father are obviously blood-thirsty demon. that's how i know they liked 9 11
devaloki 2 years ago
I am sorry you feel that way. I don't happen to believe that but...to each his or her own
lucyba 2 years ago
Still doesn't explain how you know He is blood-thirsty. I really started commenting to only give Serena comfort, not so much to start a religious debate on who believes what.
lucyba 2 years ago
When you realise, the stark reality of what preachers do to people, it's evil and vile disguised as "showing people the light", the underhanded and subtle tactics and methods that they use to gain control of people is truly disgusting.
And all the while, you think it's something good.
louisevale2 2 years ago
If there was a god the only thing he deserves is a swift kick in his holy nuts. There is nothing better than what I had. Why do you think it took so long for us to find each other and we happened to be on opposite sides of the world? Where do you think I will find someone better, MARS?
Serena4226 2 years ago
You may say that now, because of the way you feel, and you have every right to feel that way. You've just had your heart broken; but you're letting your depression, anger, and maybe even hate overrule everything right now. You need to let your mind clear a little before you do or say anything.
You may very well have found the right person, and if it is meant to be, then it WILL happen. Whatever happened between you, Tamsen may be licking her wounds. Give her time and she may contact you.
lucyba 2 years ago
My mind will never clear. Either I did everything wrong and deserve to die for it or she is wrong and I have to make her see her error. I can't go on with someone else with the lingering thought that I would be with someone many times better if I hadn't done or did do some things. How can I go on with life knowing the one I really wanted was denied. How can I love someone else knowing they aren't my first choice, not who I really wanted but who I got stuck with after I lost who I really want
Serena4226 2 years ago
Sweetheart, I understand completely how you feel. But right now your heartbreak is fresh. IT is hard to fathom being with anyone else. But after a while, the hurt will let up, and you may after time find someone a lot better! There are so many people who have been in your shoes, and thought they found "the one," but they split up and one or both end up finding someone so much better it was worth it all! (continued)
lucyba 2 years ago
If you feel Tamsin is worth fighting for, you must realize it is not ALL just your fault. Even if you've made mistakes, you are only human, and if Tamsin is as wonderful as you claim, she sees that. It may not be what you've done per se, Tamsin may have a lot of other stuff going on that is making her react this way. If you can, try being friends with her again, and get to the point where you can discuss it. That's how you know you're in the right relationship, when you can talk about it.
lucyba 2 years ago
that's what I was trying to do so many times when we were still engaged. I knew we were having some problems with our differences in some areas and I wanted to try talking it out calmly and objectively like adults but instead she reacted like a four year old and threw a temper tantrum everytime. You can't really discuss anything when someone is so pissed they can't see straight. You don't know how immature she is when she gets upset. Two year olds act more mature than her when she is upset.
Serena4226 2 years ago
Oh, yes I do...(I guess I could have phrased it more politely) but I told her the way she was acting was "So middle school" and she called me a condescending agist moron" and told me that the only love I get is from "imaginary friends" (God). But...It seems to me that if you want to be in this relationship, you will spend all of your married life always being the one to make the sacrifices, having to do things her way all of the time to keep peace between you (cont.)
lucyba 2 years ago
Unless she can mature emotionally, and I am not saying she cannot, you will not be happy. a relationship is a two-way street, having both sides give and take equally. If one only gives, and one only takes, it will not end well, I fear. Don't get me wrong, I am certain she has a lot of wonderful attributes, You wouldn't be so heartbroken if she didn't, but in my opinion, she needs to mature somewhat emotionally before she's ready for a true relationship period. Otherwise it won't last.
lucyba 2 years ago
don't worry about Tamsin, she is just a selfish immature little slut that wants to be one of life's rejects and fucked by everyone of life's rejects. As I am one of life's rejects she got what she wanted out of me and saw something else that looked more interesting. Since I outlived my usefullness I was disposed off. She made up all these false reasons to try to justify to herself and everyone else what she was doing. Deep down I know she knows she is wrong and I am right.
Serena4226 2 years ago
yes, I see that you're right. I am just sorry this had to happen. I can only imagine the pain you've felt. But if Tamsin is not the one for you, as hard as it might seem now, you WILL find the right one, one who is not selfish, not childish, who still holds the same wonderful attributes as she did, and with whom you can always see yourself. (cont)
lucyba 2 years ago
I know you may not belive me now, but mark my words, she is just around the corner :) I wish you the best of luck and love always, and you ARE special and you have a special purpose on this earth.
lucyba 2 years ago
Thanks, hun. I appreciate those words.
LadyVIolence 2 years ago
if you guys arent together anymore then why are you posting on here..are you ok as just friends??
informationseeker26 2 years ago
I your depression you claim to be a failure and a weirdo. That's not the picture I have of you since I began watching your vlogs in late 2007. You then spoke proudly of assembling your own computer system. Though you mentioned being insecure your presents on YT speaks volumes about another side of you. Never forget these special qualities you've shared with so many.
tobyr3 2 years ago
Ps- sorry one last little item before I go here , dont live your life always worring about what others maythink of you , just take what you've learned and apply it , sometimes a friend may really not be one , life is too short to wollow in the mud. dont accepct failure , get that self esteem and be a wolf, that what a wolf does...gotta be a wolf...anywho I'm off , Take Care , Grab a Beer you'll be fine...
LadySierraSays 2 years ago
mmmm, i like that perspective of being a wolf, i'll follow that too@!
devaloki 2 years ago
other people don't make you a person. stand on your own feet. suck it up buttercup. life goes on your yong move on. shit happens.
Hayleydippity 2 years ago
After I got outta the Military , I drank heavily for years , PTSD , Depression , all that , I see you recognize it , thats good tho, but your last statment is worry some about the big " D " Death , I've seen death , you dont nor should you ever want to go their, seek out help in your town there's no shame in it at all....it may save your life...
SIERRA ( USMC , vet. )
LadySierraSays 2 years ago
Hang in there baby! You're a strong woman. I was were you are a year ago. I got through it. So can you! I PROMISE you that.
7674Princess 2 years ago
I dare to say in a nut shell , you are whom you are , Gender and all , however it seems to me like you allow to much worthless crap like transitioning to rule your life and longdistant love , all a huge drain , ( no offence tho-) real life is out in the real world , meeting people , etc. , the world is not nor will it ever be kind and or accepting of TG's , thats a fact, soo why make life that much harder, Best of Luck to ya...S
LadySierraSays 2 years ago
Hi Serena:
Sorry for the long comment and I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup. Maybe you two will get back together but, if not, you have so much ahead of you. You are not a freak; you are a beautiful and special person with so much ability, drive and determination. You will do so much in the future once you move past this bad patch. There are so many other people waiting to love you; you simply have to find them (and you will). If it is what you want,
writerdamien 2 years ago
I hope you get back together with Tamsin but, if not make a new plan and follow it through. Look at yourself objective and you can't help but be impressed with all that you've done. Your dream is not impossible; you are just depressed and today is just today. Please keep following your dreams and your desire to be who you are. I don't believe it will be a disappointment; you just need to time to heal. I hope death does not find you because you are strong and you will survive.
writerdamien 2 years ago
This world needs people like you so I hope you stay in it. I lost a relationship of 18 years and I am still here. I wish there was a way for you to objectively see what's possible for you; you would be impressed. Hang on, take it day by day and I hope we hear from you again. Good luck and thanks for sharing with us.
writerdamien 2 years ago
You think that NO ONE cares about you ?well you have 1356 viewers that in there own way care. They may not post it but they would not keep coming back if they didn't.. I CARE!
karrhacker 2 years ago
Very sad.. Now that I have said that! Let me ask you a question.. Are you transitioning for YOU or for everyone else in the universe... I thought it was to make yourself happy.. You think that the universe is out to get you.. Well I have news for you.. The universe cares about NO-ONE! and wishing for death, or doing something as selfish as causing your own death will not sway it one way or the other... I can say these things as I have been where you are now.. More then once..
karrhacker 2 years ago
I was transitioning to make myself happy but why do something that I know will end in failure? Why set myself up for another massive disappointment? In the end I will not be happy I will be dsisappointed so why get my hopes up? Besides what is a victory when there is no one left to share it with?
Serena4226 2 years ago
I CARE TOO, Don't beat your self up, this is not the way to handle this. Please Please talk to someone.
swolf461 2 years ago
I'm not going to talk to anyone. No one understands anyway. Especially not some crack pot therapist that will tell me I have so much happiness ahead of me. Yea? Well where the hell is it? All I ever get is disappointed right before I get anything I want. I'm even scared to put my new PC together because that I am looking forward to so I can only imagine what will happen.
Serena4226 2 years ago
You've provided support and confidence