Letters to an Asexual #5

[puchigoth]

I am open about my asexuality at home and while no one is against it, my mother thinks that I want to be so different that I've gone beyond being bisexual (which seemed to be a trend in middle school) to something even more unique. I'm not sure how to explain to her that I don't do it to be different, I just am the way I am.

[swankivy]

@puchigoth Eh, we use words to describe what we feel. If you continue to feel no attraction to anyone and therefore don't pursue sexual relationships, your family will have their answer. I sympathize with how you feel about the mother comment though. I've experienced people pretty close to me suggesting that I just want attention because of what I do, and while I do of course get attention when I do some of these things, I find it offensive and dismissive to be told I'm an attention whore.

[gastronomist]

I don't think it would imply that you are involved in something higher or less base. But just to be sure, maybe your t-shirt could say "I do things other than but not necessarily better than sex".

[gastronomist]

"If you're not having sex, what's there to talk about." Instead of defining your orientation negatively according to what you are NOT doing, you should define it positively according to what you are doing. You should get a t-shirt that says "I do things other than sex". That would be more empowering.

[swankivy]

@gastronomist Haha . . . well, while that is true, everyone else does stuff other than sex too, and I think pointing out how I spend my life pursuing passions other than sexual ones tends to exacerbate people's misconception that asexuals are claiming to be "better" or "above" supposed "base" sexual desires. I don't think of sexual desires as base at all. Asexuality is defined as lack of sexual attraction, but you're right that it's still a collection of positive experiences.

[ezekieloak]

I mean, some folks fail to fall short of accusing you of murder, right?  That's a pretty heavy thing to levy against someone, for sure. But one person doing it is a mere datum. Many constitute data.

I really think you're maintaining a window through which 'seething breeding cretins' can shed some light onto the complicated and often contradictory field of evolutionary psychology.

It's a shame they attack and that you have to defend yourself.

I'm glad you're quantifying their behaviors.

[swankivy]

@ezekieloak It's true that historically humans have had to highly revere reproduction (which of course involves sex), and the terms levied against women who can't or don't breed were among the worst insults in the language. The women were pitied but also reviled--some of that is still alive today even though we KNOW as a species not every one of us has to reproduce in order to have our species be successful. We can help our species in non-reproduction-related ways which are also valid.

[ezekieloak]

@swankivy Right, I'm aware of that. You've got your reaction down and well practiced, we can see that, but you're failing to address the important question that I'm insisting you address: "Why?"

You're not addressing in an evolutionarily respectful way the function of this aggression toward non-sexuals and homo-sexuals. How in the hell can y'all (from both 'sides') be so daft and dismissive? Are you really expecting them to say, "My instinct is wrong." when you're not willing to do the same?

[swankivy]

@ezekieloak I'm actually not sure what you're getting at here, but no, I am not expecting anyone to say "my instinct is wrong." I'm willing to live and let live here, and I guess the answer is that if they aren't willing to do the same, they must feel that people who don't breed are in some way a threat. Evolutionarily, I suppose shunning those who don't/can't breed can result in an incentive to do so.

[ezekieloak]

@swankivy Oh! Well wow, what an interesting idea there! Your idea, I mean. Cruel as it might be. Quite possible and empirically testable, too. But wait, unethically testable, so nevermind.

And and and, wait... I'm thinking maybe the converse could happen encouraging 'the breeders' to quiet their mad interactions to increase the quality of life rather than bang out mere quantity, no? Possible?

Now we're talking!

What I was meaning was just this! See how fruitful an open mind can be?

[ezekieloak]

Great video! My favorite so far.

Indeed you've taught me quite a lot and thank you for that.

And if you are a camera hog, honey, more power to you!

But no more should people deny you the way your feel than should you deny the natural reactions of others. No? You say you're open and honest but can you accept the hatred of others? Maybe it's also a healthy thing to feel, swankivy?

I mean, you know me, I'm on your side, but I just have to wonder why asexuality is so often met with aggression.

[swankivy]

@ezekieloak I'm glad you've gotten so much from my videos. I think in general we have trouble as a species with "live and let live." If you feel something is strongly important in your life (like sex, with these folks), seeing someone else say "I don't need that" triggers defensiveness, and they want to show me that I DO need it--because society still attaches moral judgments to sexuality, so even if I don't say I think it makes me better, they THINK I think it makes me better.

[swankivy]

@ezekieloak I think if they can just calm down and realize that I am not attacking sex itself or trying to take it away from them, they'll get over it. People use sexuality and relationships to form their human relationships so exclusively and so focusedly that they have trouble processing people who do it differently. I think it's natural to be dismayed (at first) if someone else rejects something you find essential to your being, but they have to trust me to make my own choices about life.

[gazzomuso1235]

I would love to be able to see the different levels of specific hormones in your body (whoops sounds a bit creepy lol), mostly testosterone and luteinising hormone hormone I think it would be kind of interesting from a physiological perspective.

[swankivy]

@gazzomuso1235 Mm, maybe. If that's what turns you on (no pun intended). :)

Really, though, "hormones" is not what this is about. Asexuality doesn't mean a person has no sex drive. Me personally, I don't feel that I have a sex drive and probably have an unusually low libido or whatever, but many if not most asexual have a normal sex drive. Asexuality = lack of sexual attraction.

[eartianwerewolf]

I've already said this on another of your videos (yes I admit it, I am a comment freak XD) ,but it does hurt when people think something is wrong. Then if you don't know much about it,you think there is...And feel alone. I'm glad I've gotten past the point where it hurts and now it just irritates me. I don't need what they say I need . I get told I need some kind of religion too. And that my life is missing something because I don't worship a god. I am whole in myself and that feels great.

[swankivy]

@eartianwerewolf It's all right, I like comments. :) Yes, it's frustrating when people honestly can't handle not projecting their own desires onto you. Unfortunately most people can only see, say, an asexual person as what THEY would feel if they were not getting sex; they can only see it as a lack of fulfillment, not taking into account that the experience is totally different if the person never wanted it. It's sad that people truly think their experience is generalizable to others'.

[eartianwerewolf]

@swankivy They are just assuming based on their observations and experiences. When I say what I think might be going on in a person's head I try to really adamantly say this is my opinion ,it could be wrong, and I really cannot know what the person is really thinking.

[gastronomist]

That's the problem with you asexuals: you're always pushing what you're not doing into everyone's face. Not just in talking about it, but by your lack of actions. There you go, walking down the street, not having sex for everyone to see. And you're not putting up naked videos of yourself (though you do dress provacatively).

[swankivy]

@gastronomist Bahaha. Well actually most people are pretty quiet about it. Maybe what I should start doing is carrying a sign that says "lookit me NOT having sex with you!" Then I could be louder. As for dressing provocatively, nothing I've worn on my videos is racy, though I also don't go out of my way to hide the fact that my body is female. The whole "if you look attractive, you are clearly trying to attract sex" mentality is common to rapists, though, so be careful saying stuff like that.

[gastronomist]

@swankivy That babushka is oozing sexiness.

[swankivy]

@gastronomist Obviously. It probably even has subliminal figures engaged in coitus in the fabric's weave. Very subtle.

[colberrrt]

@gastronomist That's the problem with you anti-awareness advocates: you're always telling people how not to voice their opinions and beliefs by voicing your own.

[gastronomist]

@colberrrt There's nothing wrong with expressing opinions. It's just people like you who try to force your awareness on people. I am expressing my own opinions but I am not increasing anyone's awareness.

[colberrrt]

@gastronomist So you uphold freedom of expression when you have things to express, but see it as a problem when other people have things to express?

[Bluemann]

thank you for bothering

[regishel]

I'f just taken the step to day, to be joining AVEN (from being secret Asexual).

You seem awesome, would you be my friend on AVEN?!!!

PS:How do you talk so fast ;)

[swankivy]

@regishel Sure, you can click me for friendship on AVEN if you like. (I only joined recently, actually. I'm not really a joiner.) Congratulations on "taking the step."

As for talking fast, I have a lot of practice. It's one of my talents. I sing fast too!

[JSA19882007]

you're one messed up chick!

[swankivy]

@JSA19882007 Well thanks for the well-stated, well-supported opinion, man. I can see you must have a legitimate point!

[artistdancing]

ahhhh~ Very wise i believe...there was absolutely no judgement on my part, I am just so curious about how deeply you think on these things. If you are not into repressing sexual desire, then I see what you mean, it isn't quite like a vow of celebacy then. Where sexual desire arises and is quickly squelched by the dominant need force of the spiritual practioner. I have known celebates, and have also experienced various legnths of time (happily) without 'sexual need' occuring in myself.

:~})

[swankivy]

@artistdancing Yes, it's definitely just a lack of the need appearing at all. It's nothing like trying to suppress it or sacrificing its satisfaction in the pursuit of spirituality! In fact, sometimes when people suggest that asexuality would make one able to be a nun easily, I have to shake my head, because I think the whole POINT of celibacy is that it is a sacrifice--the same way nuns are expected to live simply and in basic poverty, sacrificing for their lord.

[artistdancing]

Please forgive spelling mistake(s) and the lost end quotes, (I think they ran off with the missing comma.)...hehe

~*~

[artistdancing]

One of my questions that keeps bumbing around in me head...Is

"Do you consider that one day, you may change your perspective, (that someone may come along, who allows you to feel LoVe so strongly), that you might consider changing your orientation, or because you have sort of made a poster girl (no offense intended) of yourself that, you will have to remain strong in your convictions and basically, deny any real feelings of sexual attraction that might eventually follow?

Just curious~

;~})

[swankivy]

@artistdancing I don't have "conviction" about asexuality just because I am putting a lot into discussing it. For me it has always been a description, not a declaration. I have not taken a vow or irrevocably lent my image to the orientation, and it is just as valid even if one day it no longer describes me. (I don't think that will happen, but I can't claim I know what the future holds.) In short, NO, I would not resist sexual attraction if it came to me in the name of upholding an "image."

[swankivy]

@artistdancing I should also add that it's not about not being able to feel love strongly. It's about how asexual people don't feel sexual attraction toward people they love. I also don't like the phrasing "consider changing your orientation," because orientation is what it is. It isn't something I can decide to do, and if one day I felt something for someone that I'd never felt before, I'm honest enough with myself that I wouldn't push it down or deny it just to keep a label.

[TheAnxiousWriter]

I tell a lot of people I'm asexual. I've been told not to talk about it and that I shouldn't tell potential boyfriends that I am. And also, many people have asked me my orientation all throughout my life. It does happen, but it's usually to people who don't dress or act in the 'gender norm.' Or as you said, depending on your age. Once again, great video!

[swankivy]

It's funny how often people will say this isn't a subject we "should" be discussing. Why not? And what's wrong with the truth, especially if it involves a romantic partner?

And for me, people who find out I'm single almost always say "why?" As if there has to be a reason I WOULDN'T be dating someone since according to my availability and my apparent ability to attract a mate, I "should" be.

[saragreentara]

You would make a good lawyer haha... good-luck with pursuing your interests or lack thereof-- haha just kidding ; ) no really, my humor probably says something about my own confusion or curiosity. good points though... opens my mind to possibilities

[xmak3m3laughx]

So your videos entertain me... I happen to be asexual myself. I actually have met only one other asexual in my life, and she happens to be an activist, trying to raise awareness too (which she tries to get me to do, except I happen to be unactive lol same goes for bein a vegetarian). I was just curious, have you ever been confronted about having no feelings at all? Cuz that tends to be a biiiig misconcept, that asexuals don't care about anyone in any way.

[swankivy]

Heh, well, no one could make that mistake if they'd EVER interacted with me at all, but yeah, sometimes I hear that . . . "Oh you must just be unattached to your feelings" or "you're probably just an unemotional, non-feeling, inhuman weirdo." Whatever. Just because they can't imagine our feelings doesn't mean they must not be valid.

[TheAsexualHermit]

I was on AVEN, and someone on a forum said that a Catholic Priest told them that asexuality was a SIN because, apparently, us asexuals are "rejecting the gift of sexuality that God gave us." And I'm supposed to believe that asexuality isn't worth talking about? HA!

[swankivy]

Eh. Well I find claims of "what God expects us to do" to be irrelevant to my life. Speaking for God is one of the most arrogant things a person can do, and if they're going to pull that nonsense and tell you you can't feel or act the way you do because their god said so, they pretty much already are operating under the assumption that theirs is a trump card. I love just telling people like that "Um so . . . guess I'm a sinner. Gonna go cry now. See ya!"

[GaiaShirley]

So true.

Some people have asked me why do I bother explaining asexuality and working for awareness, because it's not like we're gay and people have a solid negative or even disgusted opinion about us. Which is true. But they lack the understanding of how much people aren't willing to believe in asexuality and have the need to question it thoroughly before even considering accepting it. Sometimes even asking questions we don't have the answer to...

Great video!

[swankivy]

Yes, absolutely. Furthermore, why do people have to get killed or persecuted for their sexuality before it's considered a problem? Being told you "can't" or "don't" feel the way you do (especially from a young age, while you're still developing and learning to trust your feelings) can be damaging, especially when rendered with authority by people very close to the asexual in question. . . .

[LizzyTheNinja]

I'm asexual and also on AVEN, and I just wanted to say thanks for making these videos. =]

[swankivy]

No prob, I'm just glad to be making a difference!

[punchyfacexcore]

This video put a lot of things into perspective for me. I sorta understand how it would get annoying telling people something that's matter of fact in your life and having them ask "why? why? why?!" I hope awareness of asexuality continues to spread. As I'm sure there are some asexual youth out there confused as to what's wrong with them, myself included. Anyway, this series is very informative and has been rather helpful to me personally so I would like to say thank you for posting it.

[swankivy]

I'm glad you agree with my message and the reasons behind it. I hope you've seen my other series too (the Asexuality Top Ten), 'cause that deals with the misconceptions that are pretty much rampant about us. :/

[hateyall]

It's good that you make these kind of videos, it makes me feel like less of a freak and now i know that there are more people who i can atleast relate to in some way. I would really want people to stop verbaly attacking me, even my oldest friends think im wierd.... thx :)

[swankivy]

A little awareness goes a long way. I think they'd think twice if they knew more people than just you are experiencing this and most of us aren't sick. But even if it weren't contributing to awareness, just having a group of people out there who knows how you feel does wonders for self-confidence. . . .

[violetinspired]

Great video. I really do think these videos are inspirational and that you're doing a good service to others by uploading them, you're changing the world in your own way, stamping out ignorance (hopefully) and opening peoples' minds. Ivy rocks! :D

[LarissaFae]

I was ecstatic to learn about AVEN and asexuality. For the first time in my life, my sexuality made sense to me.  I love all of your videos, simply because they cover a topic that can be very isolating to those it pertains to. When my couple-friends are hanging out with me, it gets very awkward for me when they start with the smooching and hugging; it's good to know that I'm not alone with that feeling. Somewhere, someone else gets just as uncomfortable as I do, wants sex as little as I do.

[swankivy]

Yup. We're kinda rare enough that we're likely to not encounter others like ourselves in everyday life . . . especially if we don't have the courage to be "out" about it. I happened to be secure enough and in touch enough with myself to speak out about it without caring what anyone thought, but most people doubt themselves and even fear what must be wrong with them because no one else is having these same experiences and everyone's telling them they're wrong or they'll change.

[ChrisRJ]

I'm a gay male, but I totally accept asexuals. I think they should be part of our LGBT(A) community, since it's also a sexual orientation that doesn't fit the mainstream. I don't see why they can't be.

[swankivy]

Actually, an asexual group marched in the Pride parade in San Francisco recently. :) Yes, sometimes we're included in the alternative sexuality community, and I think that's pretty appropriate even though for the most part it's not an active orientation.

[hotlips4000backagain]

You're videos are really informative, i love watching them ;)!

I think i'm Asexual also, and sometimes i feel like a freak cause i have no sexual desire. I'm quite happy with it, but Friends/Family think i'm wierd or my hormones are out of kilter(sp?) very annoying! ;(

[swankivy]

Thanks, glad they're helping you.

See, you're exactly the kind of person I mentioned in this video. YOU are fine with how you are, but the negative bit is dealing with others' misunderstanding. If they could get their heads around it through the awareness attempts we're making, and finally understand, they wouldn't be making you feel like a freak because you happen to be part of a minority (if indeed you are asexual). Very annoying indeed!

[hotlips4000backagain]

I'm not sure if i would say i'm 100% happy with the way i am, i do get depressed about it(i've been on Meds for 7 years!) Todays Society do play a big part in it though!

I get the same remarks when i say that i don't want Kids(not much chance of that hey? ;).I maybe a young Female, but not all of us want to popping babies out like smarties Lol ;)!

[yaoifanboy90]

I think talking about asexuality is very important, I'm not even asexual and I've been trying to spread awareness of it too. All of the sexual orientations should be common knowledge in my opinion. Seriously, look how many people are treated like they're crazy, or even how many hate crimes there are, just because people don't really understand someone's sexual orientation.(Whether it's gay, straight, bi, asexual, pansexual, etc.)

[swankivy]

Exactly. And even if there's not a CRIME committed because of it, one could argue that misunderstanding leads people to treat those who are different with less than respectful attitudes. It's all about awareness leading to understanding.

[TheAgentChaos]

Way to go! Good thoughts.

[AislinCade]

I'm of the belief that no matter what the circumstances, more knowledge and understanding is always better than less. So keep up the good work! <3

[swankivy]

And how! It's frustrating when people think my making videos on this topic (or contributing to awareness) is pointless or a waste of time. If they're not interested in learning about it, that's up to them I suppose, but considering the questions and comments I still get all the time, it's obvious this information is needed. . . .

I'll try to "keep it up," yes. And thanks. :)

[EZaccessBTV]

SwankiVY is my ShorDurPerSav!

[swankivy]

As long as you don't kill me when you're done being saved by me.

[amysita77]

Yay! The much anticipated Letters to an Asexual #5! My computer sucks, though, so I only got to 2:03. But i'm going to keep trying. And I did see David Jay and those ditzy chicks on the view... I was less than thrilled, I'll just put it like that.

[swankivy]

Hope you got to see the rest. And it's nice that you refer to the video as "much anticipated." Heh.

It really does puzzle me that people think asexuality shouldn't be talked about just because it isn't an active orientation *toward* something. Going through life without an attraction to others is certainly a valid topic to discuss, I think.

[nutnoodle]

You're totally right. Information direct from the source as opposed to myths and rumours (which is what you get when no-one is talking about it). being asexual but living in a sexual world I think is similar to being atheist but living in a strongly religious/spiritual world or apolitical but living in a political world. Just because you do not engage in these things or have a direct interest doesn't mean they don't affect you.

I guess that's a long winded way of saying kudos. :)

[swankivy]

That's very true. Of course other people's sex lives end up affecting mine even though I don't have one, and it's very common for other people to project their wants and needs onto me, assuming if I don't have what THEY want, I'm secretly unhappy or in need of some counseling. They don't really like leaving it alone. Which is why building up available information on the topic is important to me.

[Futuroism]

Ivy is dead on yet again! :)

[swankivy]

Heh, thanks. . . .

[yesindeedybob]

Nice job, Ivy!

You stated that people get on you about not dating or getting married, but those things aren't just about sex. Or are they and I just don't realize it? Isn't it all about companionship and shared goals?

Just wondering what you thoughts were.

[swankivy]

Relationships, even romance, are indeed separate from sexual attraction. It just so happens that in most people's opinion, the best companion with whom to form a life partnership is someone to whom one is sexually attracted as well--it enhances the relationship, though it doesn't define it.

Some people do indeed want relationships without sex. I'm not interested in a relationship either, on top of not wanting sex, so there are all kinds of reasons to harass me. :)

[yesindeedybob]

Those who harass you are just ignorant or stupid.  I would never harass you. I might tease you a bit though. ;)

[Frankavende]

Hello ivy :)

Frank

[AustinWorthington]

Oh good, I've been waiting for another one of these. :) I can't watch it right now, though, because my work computer doesn't have speakers, but I'll definately watch it as soon as I get home.

[swankivy]

Hope you got to watch it. I'm glad you were anticipating my latest installment! (Makes me think I'm actually talking to someone when I bother making 'em.)

[AustinWorthington]

Yes, I got to watch it. It didn't feel like it was nine minutes long, though. :( Sometimes when you want something to go on for a while it seems to just fly by. Still I liked it, and I think you made good points. I'm surprised, however, that Youtube user orangestoneface didn't find his way into this video. He seems to do a lot of "Why do you bother"ing.

[swankivy]

Trolls will be trolls. Usually they lose interest when the person they're harassing either stops responding or stops being entertaining. I do tend to respond even to idiots, but I don't have flaming emotional meltdowns that they can laugh at and throw gasoline on, so maybe I'm not that much fun for all trolls.