Last Bastion Of U.S. Economy Succumbs To Pancreatic Cancer

[MegaBlueZOMBIE]

i dont understand the justin part

[Thorhamer007]

"and an apple employee is acting like his fucking dad died or somthng"

[TheYouwontgetit]

i hate justin...

[salvo711]

And an Apple employee is acting like his fucking dad died or something.

BRILLIANT. Laughed my ass off.

[Buntzums]

I still like the eeny, meeny, miny, moe method of voting. Usually just as effective as picking someone.

[jigme800]

"And an Apple employee is acting like his fucking dad died, or something"... priceless!

[33iknow]

With all the real fucked up shit going on in the world, The Onion never fails to make me laugh. Thanks Onion!

[mostnormal]

"a brutal reality check turns 3" god i love the onion

[BanjoThreeies]

Actually, I do know.

[BanjoThreeies]

I cant imagine what Obama would do if he got a compliment from someone like Eric Cantor or John Boehner

[StrangerInPublic]

" A brutal reality check turns three"

ROFL! Too awesome!

[Lynnc83]

lol nice 

[hawk222]

Welp, I've got cancer now. Guess I'll go read some more Onion articles on a computer screen, then watch a couple of their videos on the same screen. If you can't beat it, accept it and move on.

[Xeonaa]

Tom Byatt is a true representation of what's wrong with today's "capitalism."

[lordxheroth]

NOT JUSTIN, WHO? JUSTIN BIEBER?!!!!! GODAMNIT!!!!!!!!

[KILLUMINATIish]

One apple employee is acting like his fuckin dad died or somethin

[rochvymetal]

The brutal reality check turns three parts was amazing.

[jimmyboyG485]

"...and an Apple employee is acting like his fucking dad died."

The Onion never fails to make me laugh :D

[computerjero]

America will fuck it up, you can bet on it every time !

[seanThree16]

The baboon face picture kinda almost made me shit my pants.

[TheMetalGoat]

Fuck Yeah!

[socratesjr]

awesome! I'm in cedar rapids! it definitely wasn't Justin dead. the body didn't look that much like him.

[gamerunknown]

It'd be great if they did a report on the Onion using the In the Knowto get subscribers which they'd fob off with the week in review for ad money since it's a lot cheaper.

I don't even believe it to be the case, it'd just be very funny to see the Onion actually report it.

[sintetsu]

wrong vid lol sorry

[sintetsu]

lots of insecure socialists commenting with their computers that they wouldnt have if this nation was communist...

[1simo93521]

@sintetsu So true...

[elk832]

0:03 Capitalism can die of pancreatic cancer? My God.......it's worse than I thought.

[scorael]

I can't believe it's not Justin Bieber lying dead in the woods.

[elwap0]

Apple ....no U.S manufacturing

[19Gui86]

im honestly unsubscribing

[jeanismohamed]

@19Gui86 sad story bro :'(

[19Gui86]

@jeanismohamed

this with the steve jobs 2 video.. just too soon, disrespectful imo.. i loved the onion tho..

[DickCheneyXX]

@19Gui86 Political correctness is not welcome around here...

[jeanismohamed]

@19Gui86 "i love the onion tho.." "im honestly unsubscribing"

yeah, youre full of shit. 

[ZetbladeX13]

@19Gui86 It's the onion. your butthurt opinion is invalid.

[1simo93521]

@19Gui86 Yeah he died an agonising death. Not really anything to laugh at.

[footupyoarse2]

lofl

[ericstrattendgtmy]

More chicken shit political slams by the "comedy" world. Oh, we don't dare include Obama in the pictures of voting fuck ups, we might get called racist, Allah forbid. Let's instead throw him a bone about how he doesn't get compliments. Chicken shit cowards!

[kshackleton]

@ericstrattendgtmy

When a Republican gets elected President again....you can go back to telling everyone that it's the duty of all Americans to support him....no matter what....because he's The President.

Tell me that it won't happen.

[ericstrattendgtmy]

@kshackleton It won't. W's administration was a nonstop scream. My favorite was impersonations by Will Ferrell's especialy,"strategery". Priceless. I have a poster of W holding up 3 fingers with a speach bubble that says, "4 more years". I get a laugh every time I see it. He like Obama is a treasure trove of material it's just the Comedy industry has gone coward and are afraid of hitting him like other presidents,(name any Republocrat) because they either protect him or worse yet are afraid.

[yellowcougar18]

Anybody else notice that it says 'body found in woods is not Jason' in the information box, while in the actual video, it's 'body found in woods is not Justin'?

Peculiar mistake by the Onion.

[Ivan951]

im favoriting for the "brutal reality check turns 3"

[expIorer5148]

i have a Justin living in my college dorm....maybe i'll report him to the police.

[SageofCancer]

Steve Jobs was a stingy mf who didn't contribute shit to humanity other than overpriced products. I'm glad cancerAIDS ate his asshole.

[GreenTeaGarlic]

didn;t Motorola Razr connect to teh internetz back in '05?

[StackCityEntOfficial]

"A brutal reality check turns 3" lol brilliant!

[austinglugla]

My Oma died of Pancreatic Cancer...

[oye123321]

I don't think this guy @boskinator understand what a bastion is. Please use your dictionary before falsely interpreting big words you don't know as insults. That's what I did, not ashamed to say that.

[TheHardout2005]

Fuck you Onion. You just gave me cancer.

[naveregnide]

HAHA This one was great

[TheOriginalPoopBalls]

the info section says "jason" and the video says "justin"

[houseofcards613]

Steve Jobs invented the light bulb.

[Draxis32]

Yes he, Steve Jobs, had a bit of a messes up mind but we can't deny, the man invented the Handheld device, and from 100 years from now he will be granted, just as Graham Bell was, for the invention of this technological device that changed the entire planet.

[adorkablengeekable]

@Draxis32 Did he invent the handheld device before or after the Apple Newton which was invented in the 90s by a Steve Jobs-less Apple?

[brainslurper]

@adorkablengeekable The apple newton? The one that sold a grand total of 2 units? Of course steve jobs wasn't there...

[adorkablengeekable]

@brainslurper 2 units or a thousand, it was the original handheld and a clear precursor to the iPad.

[brainslurper]

@Draxis32 No he didn't. He invented the graphical interface, multiple fonts on the same computer, digital distribution, and about 219 other things that I don't remember.

[DrSwNemo]

@brainslurper Well, the graphical interface part could be argued. Xerox.

[mejsmith1]

@brainslurper Most of the GUI and font stuff was ripped off of Xerox. An even basic study of computer history will tell you that. As for the Apple II, that was Steve Wozniak. I don't think Jobs came up with anything on his own. That said, a great promoter and salesman.

[Tolstoievsky]

@mejsmith1 i would of said the apple 2 dwarfs any of the newer stuff by omportance, but if Wozniak was responsible, then yeah, he was just a good salesman

[Draxis32]

@brainslurper My fellow human, he participated in the a great technological revolution of the human history, I never bought any Apple apparatus but I certainly think he should be taken as a key human in this.

[rabbitspliff]

Apple employees like the one in the vid are just McDonald's employees who think they're going to make something of their lives... they're not.

[tenshi240]

and an apple employee is acting like his fucking dad died or something.

lol.

[iamLI3]

10$ bottle? try 110k$ bottle......

[ghostgate82]

@iamLI3 Um...that's what he said, "$100". Learn to listen.

[iamLI3]

@ghostgate82 typo , 110$*.....

[ThatGuyFromAustria]

1:26 – should I laugh or should I cry.

[tanhuiz]

"adding that tumour development rate also doubles when subjects also encounter moving videos".

Oh shit.

[BryansU2B]

brutal reality check, lol!

[ThisisJamesman]

who's this justin?

[Sindre1]

@ThisisJamesman You don't want to know.

Baaah, hate the guy.

[XFX40]

@ThisisJamesman stupid bitch :)

[solisvictor1991]

HES ACTING LIKE HIS FUCKING DAD DIED OR SOMETHING that pretty much goes for any one under 20 right now in america

[Kittymouth]

This was funnier when I was reading these actual articles on sunday.

[infiltrator7777]

I didn't find any of this funny. Oh well time to unsubscribe!

[acey45]

@infiltrator7777 good. Less of you.

[MrSpiderman14]

this monotone voice really takes the funny out of these vids

[tubebellator]

Steve Jobs finally loses to PC.

[TENNSUMITSUMA]

@tubebellator

ha

[baltimore94]

1:40 - 1:50 was some funny shit

[guibin]

"President Obama is not sure how to handle an actual compliment."

[boss1001]

So fucking funny.

[gbrooks2]

"Sometimes the world is so dark and cold I wonder what the point of it all is"

[lordtalon69]

Now they are recycling old jokes? Damn onion I would pay you go to back to the old format...

You had an old vid that was all a bout how a car accident victim was "sadly not glenn beck" and now you completely recycle the same bit? Just sad...

[loveisamistake]

Steve Jobs was just a genius business man. Woz Wozniak was the real genius behind the technical stuff. He made the first apple computer. The first fully functional GUI operated every-day system. (Yes, I know IBM made GUIs before but Woz made them user-friendly)

[evildude109]

Maybe Alexander Hamilton was right: normal people are too stupid to elect leaders.

[ibliveinangels]

Lol I thought they meant Justin Bieber. Sad

[SimpleVisionVideos]

I can't believe it's not Justin.

[WolfSyndrome]

@SimpleVisionVideos Seriously...that kid walked nearly ten miles in the middle of the night and cam to my apartment just to find his truck keys were in his pocket the whole time! The last I heard from him was when he called on 4/20. That body in the woods HAS to be Justin.

[SimpleVisionVideos]

@WolfSyndrome Unbelievable, I made a bet with my friend that even though Justin has not missed a day of school this year, that is still him.

[derFischmoerder]

Wow, look at all of these trolls here. Its like they're actually relevant to any of this. :D

To respond to them all (lol, probably the worst decision I'll have made in my entire life) Jobs was definitely a successful man. Even if you deem his methods to be questionable, he got shit done.

Also, he was pretty important to Pixar, so without his help there, We'd have no Pixar, and no CG toys making you cry like a three-year-old. Truly a great man.

[Frohstar]

@derFischmoerder If he is responsible for the company that made Cars 2, then I'm glad he's dead.

[derFischmoerder]

@Frohstar Well, of course they screwed up a couple of times, but they have successfully made some pretty good movies as well.

But, yeah, that movie sucked. <3

[StopmeatGoveg]

wait who died?! i couldn't hear over my awesome zune.

[qqwweerrttyy96]

@StopmeatGoveg what's a zune

[zlcoolboy]

Zomg it wasn't Justin? I can't believe that.

[ThouArtNaught]

lady at 0:29 made me lol

[culwin]

RIP Justin 2011

[StopmeatGoveg]

@culwin IT WASN'T HIM!!! lol

[3amrepmike3]

The video says the body in the forest was Justin and the video description says the body was Jason. No wonder they cant figure out who the fuck it is.

[HazyChestNutz]

Not sure if this is onion, or Fox News.

[SykoChiipmunK]

that "brutal reality" that just turned 3 looks like Megamind cept he's not blue and has hair

[ChiefRepublic]

A lot of people did act like their dad just died, I can understand that if you are a 12 year old girl and it was Justin Bieber. But get a fucking grip.

[gamerdude1246]

@vegetablelollipop Female troll? Please go back to your kitchen and make me a sammich pl0x

[MrBobbillo]

@vegetablelollipop no I didn't know!! But I sure as hell do now...

The Venus Troll Trap.. nice... is also a vegatable I suppose

Keep on trucking... or trolling... or whatever... ;)

[xjay17x]

Justin or Jason? lol

[icecool1065]

Steve Jobs resigned as head of apple weeks before he died anyway. It doesn't matter that he is dead.

[MAXBLAYLOCK]

Steve isn't the kind of Jobs I wanted to hear about.

[fikealox]

"A brutal reality-check turns three." Classic!

[SageofCancer]

'Acting like his dad died or something'.. of course a wealthy white man died. Fuck jobs he's a cunt n I'm glad cancer ate him.

[ThadKs]

@SageofCancer ?



[AngryKittehPoo]

I was actually at the dead body thing in Cedar Rapids, and we all wished it was Justin.

[h2opoloplayaPY]

dammit. its not justin. bieber.

[1LostMy0therAccount]

Lol

[hackneo64]

o I found out that Steve Jobs squatted on a house in my home state of Tennesee in Memphis in order to get a donor liver. He also used his income and influence to jump to the top of the list even though he never set foot in his house. Im sure their were PLENTY of native people there that need it much better. What a great guy!

[xtradam]

viewer 1,234 do I win a prize or something?

[yeeyoh]

God, Heaven just had it's biggest round of layoffs, a full meal and sitting around with the family is expect while the "men in Black Robes" 'work it out' Latter that night all people coincidentally wondering what is going on with "those people" will be required to pay tribute to the God that put them there... ________________, ____________________,_________­___________ and _________________.

[TENNSUMITSUMA]

@yeeyoh

what the fuck are you talkin about? that made no sense

[yeeyoh]

@TENNSUMITSUMA You be Trollin !?

[TENNSUMITSUMA]

@yeeyoh

1 no

2 at least i made sense

[1simo93521]

Guess respect for the dead is dead now eh.... Jobs will be remembered a hundred years after you are all gone and forgotten.

[m1me1111]

@1simo93521

So will Hitler, and your point is...?

[LovedSins]

@1simo93521 He wasn't exactly a wonderful man. He was an amazing in business, but when it came to helping other people he failed miserably.

"The lack of public philanthropy by Mr. Jobs raises some important questions about the way the public views business and business people at a time when some are criticized for not giving back enough while others like Mr. Jobs are lionized,"-Andrew Ross Sorkin

Just google Steve Jobs Philanthropy

[mryellow123]

@1simo93521 lol no he won't. Who was the head of Dutch East India Company? They were bigger then Apple will ever be :-)

[fatkat444]

Faggot.

[1simo93521]

@fatkat444 Brains faggots.

[fatkat444]

@1simo93521 Wanna suck eachother's dicks?

[bateryacidinc]

Wait, I was expecting a story about Jason not being found dead in the woods, who's Justin?

[TomaCukor]

us economy and Chinese slave labor

[BoxNinjaProductions]

everyone must really hate justin. i know i do.

[kickthecat75]

we stuff have gates :)

[NicholasX9]

"An apple employee is acting like his fucking dad died or something"

[MFchris1]

@NicholasX9 lol thats classic

[Casundia]

@NicholasX9 Yes, we're all very well aware that the video said that.

[shadowC10ne]

Steve Jobs made some innovation in industry but c'mon, it's not like he found a cure for cancer or something. Why aren't people shedding tears for some scientists that actually made some contribution to science/living standards/world health etc.?

[TwentySixCookies]

Your description says "Jason" instead of Justin. We should not see errors of this magnitude from a company of your standing & reputation.

[evanid321]

Steve Jobs innovated over-priced products.

[NobodysOffTheHook]

Yeah, Apple employee - your fucking DAD didn't die. :D

[h4xx0rfridge]

I'm sure the Onion would be happy to see that people are arguing over the internet.

[rybhugo]

Too soon.

[Valicore]

@boskinator Lefty idealist? Like, oh, I don't know, STEVE JOBS, VOCAL DEMOCRAT? Defend Steve Jobs by mocking someone for having the same political views he had, good job.

[frifeb]

My week is not complete until I get my News Beat fix!

[Jekyllthejester]

Not funny dickheads....

[radicalhit]

Whats the difference between a welfare leech and cancer ?

Cancer get jobs.

[TrickKae]

The guy at apple joke was priceless

[alwaystextback]

Wait, are we honestly sure it wasn't Justin?

[Erzz197]

Description says "everybody is shocked that a body found in the woods is not Jason", video says "Justin".

[omfglol99n00b]

The used defiblirator on Steve jobs , but he didnt support FLASH.

[AfroNinja720]

i dont get the justin joke lol

[VGKing]

"CEO defends layoffs while enjoying tasting menu." It's funny because it's true. Wait...let me change that. It's brutally depressing because it's true.

[LaxRatBra]

@VGKing yea someone who works hard, gets lucky, and has a nice job enjoying a nice meal is just brutally depressing.

[LordPrick]

So... WHEN EXACTLY Is Obama OUT Of The Position Of Being A PRESIDENT. I Guess America Couldn't IMPEACH Him... Since He "Says" That He Came From Hawaii And NOT GEORGIA. ("ImPineapple" Him?)

[jwitt1]

@LordPrick

When I started reading this comment, I thought someone had ripped every last shred of sanity from your mind with a dull pair of pruning shears. But then I saw that "ImPineapple" joke. Clearly this man is a genius.

[LordPrick]

@jwitt1 I Am An ARTIST. As For YOOOOU.... You Stay The Fuck Away From My Pineal Gland.

[jwitt1]

@LordPrick

Art is one thing (at which you seem fairly adept.) capitalizing the first letter of every word is another entirely. Oh, and fuck your Pineal gland, your entire brain-stem shall be my plaything!

[Lgan360]

How does this video have more likes than views?

[IceFire9yt]

@Lgan360

The view count lags, while the like count is updated real time. This is particularly obvious in new videos.

[AlanKey86]

@IceFire9yt It's simpler than that.

THe Onion is Awesome.

[Gales99]

@Lgan360 It's Youtube Policy - After 300 view the counter stops while traffic is analysed to determine if it is genuine or has come from bots etc. It's still updated but not visibly so. YouTube viewfraud is still easy to do but nothing like as simple as it once was.

[Juggernautsz]

Can somebody with Netflix plz add my xbox to their plan?

(its free) Please PM me if you are willing to

Thanks :)

[slowloadr]

A $110 bottle of wine? Wow, he really is cutting corners.

[blackhat2005]

When will the media and everyone get over Steve Jobs passing away. I don't see the world crying when kids in third world countries die.

[MrBigEnchilada]

@blackhat2005 because steve jobs actually indirectly helped many developing countries

they covered michael jackson's death more than steve jobs.