Census Visits Providing Shut-Ins Once-A-Decade Chance For Human Interaction

[AlexanderMazarakis]

59 people work with the census

[AdmiralBetas]

lol at the map :)

[photo2wrush]

i have the real video of dealing with census officers

[The1211deep]

lady in red looks scary when she talks

[TheYouwontgetit]

she just wants to trick everybody to talk to her... ...what an asshole...

[psmithii]

No, imsittingintheback, that's NOT "Betty White's cousin" playing Helen. That's Jean Alexander of Actors' Studio! She was all over TV in the 1950s -- one of her movies was "The Mob" with Broderick Crawford. If you want to see her doing a Bendix refrigerator commercial in 1952, check out the YouTube clip STAR TIME KIDS: WHO ARE THESE KIDS.

[iheartadrianalima]

omgosh, i feel so bad! are there actually people out there that are this lonely?! how do i find them! i feel so bad! lol.. i know that this is fake but yeah.. :( i bet there are at least 1000 people out there like this! awwwww :( if anyone knows how i can find and cheer these people up please tell meeeee

[HolyBongOfGod]

@iheartadrianalima this is how you do it. friend everyone on facebook with less than 5 friends. those people are really lonely. then the ones with 10 friends and so on. then have them come to a meeting where you give out viagra and exdacy. then leave ASAP. they will be the most happy people ever... until they have a heart attack from the over excitement!

[vgb42222]

2:38 hosts laugh and brush off cry for help....lololololol!

[vgb42222]

helen doesnt know what shes up against with this new 2010 generation. they dont put up with no old people talking and stuff. haaaaaa1! soooo funny. and we're paying for it now... i.e. old people shooting police, commiting robberies, selling drugs...whats up with these old folks? i have been staying away from them as of late because they (old people) are becoming a bad influence. lol!

[ThePresticle1]

@vgb42222 Oh....- you silly little boy! Now come home to Grammy!!!

[vgb42222]

@ThePresticle1 lolz!

[juliogbox]

Tracy looks gorgeous in that black dress.

[TheCrawler333]

"how to transform trash into neighbor's trash"

LOLLLLLLLLLLLL

[mit871chell]

So is this fox news, did they get new anchors?

[Black70Fastback]

i would bang the shit out of tracy

[UltimateHedge]

58 people are census workers.

[MEGABOINK65]

I couildn't stop laughing when they pick the whole chair up!!!!!!! lmao

[Itachi1091]

lol i love tracy's reaction at 2:38

[Kr4zyAc3]

lol why are the dislikea around 60 all the time

[TrollingForYou]

o man thier acting is almost as good as pornstars :D

[assfax]

At $12.25 an hour they can talk as long as they want.

[kokopellifan1]

Wow, Tracy looks hot.

[schalteria]

lol

[Inediblehulk]

1:28 rocks! I love seeing that look on FOX News!

[newgarda]

hellen scares me...

[TheInternix]

The granny mask almost got me. Almost.

[Conway79]

That living room plan! :~D

[Moonesi]

My grandmas name is Helen.

Ironically she's a co-dependant too..

[NanaNarcotic]

"How to transform your trash into your neighbor's trash" LMFAO.

[jamac911]

I Want Revenge! bit . ly/jerku

[ChadMurrey]

ONN > CNN ;D

[Imsittingintheback]

betty whites cousin?

[vladtheeditor]

PAs carrying her away made me LOL :)))

[invisible3steeves]

LOL i thought it would be like a little fat kid or something

[Epitzsche]

oh, if only i too had a team of guys to lift my old folks away like that during a conversation about the damn weather!

[Jeremyam1985]

lmfa decoy kitchen lmfao

xD

[ukendcx2000]

so basically this woman has been shut in for over 30 years ...

[martinxy4]

@ukendcx2000 Please tell me you didnt believe this..

[ukendcx2000]

@martinxy4 you didn't get the reference. I know it is a joke, I am just saying it's f* up they had that woman being a shut in for 30 years.

[ukendcx2000]

@martinxy4 most of their jokes are as funny as they are because they are so very wrong, it is so un pc to go there these days which is why I think people assume it is real, because no one wants to think that anyone would go as far as Onion does to create humor

[42connorzielinski42]

@ukendcx2000 i completely agree. in all seriousness, if i didn't know otherwise the onion is indistinguishable from any real news stations. they have "experts", and the interviews seem incredibly realistic. im amazed they can seem so real that half the people who watch them don't realize its a joke.

[ukendcx2000]

we talked about the hostages; which hostages was she really talking about, lmao! I doubt anyone else got the reference

[filipinopride4ever]

@ukendcx2000

I think she was referring to the Iran hostage crisis when the US embassy in Tehran was raided by Islamic fundamentalists which was a big story on the news around 1980.

[ukendcx2000]

@filipinopride4ever i see that someone was paying attention and was not asleep at the wheel, lol ... actually I was referring to the former census workers she was keeping hostage at her crib!

[ukendcx2000]

that picture from 1980 and the girl really looked like someone from the 80s would dress, lol ...

[ukendcx2000]

some sick shit as usual, lmao!

[GusF]

I love the reference to them discussing "the poor hostages" in 1980. Very clever, as usual.

[Obby16]

These guys have the best jobs.

[Uxoriouswidow]

It's understated just how good the hosts' acting is.

[YourProfessor]

I feel like visiting my grandma now...wait, she's dead....I'm sad now.

[FrankTheHedgehog]

I'M TOO SPLICED UP! I'M TOO SPLICED UP!

NO ONE WOULD WANT ME!!

[Flailwielder]

HOLY SHIT OMFG IT'S A FLAME WAR!

[amsmith1221]

The Onion is the Monty Python of the 2050s. Yes, they are that far ahead of their time.  I (heart) the onion!

[Straylight4299]

I got to get a scond decoy kitchen!

[losplatosdemaria]

Lovin' that pist-off ol' lady look at the end!!!

[chukas88]

all these people get sad.

and you can't do anything about it, its useless. Just hold on to that sadness, don't do anything about it, because you can't ;)

lol

[wagzel]

This really looks like local news programing. Mindless happy talk.

[LocoRedKixx]

i love it

[RockyBalboa211]

....I'am sad now...

[fartwimp]

theonion once again makes me want to break my own neck with my own bare hands.

[Xionei]

Hell yes. How to turn your trash into your neighbors trash lol

[tcamcho]

I love how uncomfortable and bored the hosts are getting when Beverly starts talking. *Sigh*. Just like listening to grandma.

[benzbubblecat]

lol this is funny but actually kind of depressing

[LivingDog94]

The PA's got me - hilarious.

[rojman123]

She IS DAMN hot....yum

[Cheedillow]

@rojman123 Agreed, I would her pearl necklace off.

[VideoDotGoogleDotCom]

Jesus that Tracy woman is hot. Anybody know her actual name? Please reply so I can become a stalker.

[SaganTheGreat]

@VideoDotGoogleDotCom Her name is Tracy Toth, you can look her up on IMDB.

[VideoDotGoogleDotCom]

@SaganTheGreat Thanks man. Really appreciate it.

[calixa]

second decoy kitchen FTW!

[TheMetalGoat]

I want to make passionate love to Tracy. A lot. Anyone agree ?

[Yowzarrific]

Zellmer is either a genius crafter of Onion style humor, or he's headed to Hell.

[Planeguy13]

"Block Exits" lmao

[w15h0na5tar]

awkward look 1:38

[wwewrestlingfan417]

I love how people start arguing about real politics when they watch these videos.

[meboge0]

@wwewrestlingfan417 Dude, this is the internet...everything with commenting available turns into an argument about politics, religion, or race if given enough time.

[farcus12]

@wwewrestlingfan417 cuz they try to act smart

[skygrasper091]

@wwewrestlingfan417 The Onion brings us together like family.....lol

[killerbiller35]

@wwewrestlingfan417 so your telling me this is not real??

[ALPHADESIGNTAMPICO]

@wwewrestlingfan417 Totally agree! That's cause the producers of this show want that! That's why they show a subject with sarcasm. To make people understand by them selfs! ;)

[danthemanh]

Gosh that host is smokin

[OgreMECH]

Today Now is my favorite Onion show (unless the Cressbeckler Stance becomes a regular).

[MakeWay4TheBoss]

I wanted to hear how to turn my trash into neighbors trash!

[OptimisticHIVictim]

lol, "decoy kitchen".

[bragzter]

that was one of the funniest in a while. she even started to freak them out. lmfao

[adim88]

LMFAO

[mercenarydrunk]

that... shit just aint funny.

[zellmer]

I hate to admit it but it really does feel like the many times I've seen my grandma. Forces you to stay an hour at the very least every time with the dumbest stuff, much like this old woman.

[Cigarrock]

@zellmer Maybe you should treat her like a person and make more time for her. dummy.

[Sunshine100]

@zellmer sounds like you should visit her more often so she wouldn't feel desparate for your attention

[reddundun]

this is so stupid i didn't even look at it, i just wrote this comment instead

[dag101101]

I love it when they carry her away in her chair.

[HaligonianType1]

Holy crap, it's Bette Davis.

[EveryNameIsUsedDamnF]

she's about to die any moment

[IslandCave]

I mean seriously people. Their asking things like how much is your rent - did you do Activity X in the last day? Did you do activity X in the last week? Did you do activity X in the last month? If not - why not? How many hours of housework do you do a day/a week/a month - etc etc - I mean seriously the government's supposed to be are feudal lord dictating that we have to do whatever activity they say for a given amount of time a week - consistently - or your bad - as if they own you?

[FantomL0rd]

@IslandCave No they don't they just ask your name and race, and simple things like that. There are no questions about activities, you are just paranoid, the census is so they know if they need to give our state more money or any other help.

[geekwhoeatsrice]

@IslandCave No they don't.

[IslandCave]

There seem to be a lot of dumbed down idiots here. Doesn't any one have any sense of self respect? The type of questions that are in the census, especially the long form - are so freaking personal - it's not freaking funny - they basically want to know what you're doing at all times - in detail - and yet none of you seem to have a problem with the census. The only thing that is constitutionally allowed to be asked is how many people there are - and perhaps how many citizens above 18 as well

[IslandCave]

Well - those are good tips on how to finally get the census workers to leave and stop violating a person's 4th and 5th amendment rights.

[kaysandesses]

@IslandCave "stop violating a person's 4th and 5th amendment rights. "

The Constitution requires a census be taken. IF there was any meat to your argument there would be lawsuits challenging the legality of the census flowing in the streets. You pointy-headed ignorati have wayyyyyy tooooooo muchhhhhh fucking time on your hands.

[Quizoid]

If this makes you sad, go visit your older relatives.

[TheGreenerItGets]

@Quizoid Good advice.

[gazstranomical]

the whole video i was just waiting for her teeth to fall out

[Sunshine100]

I think the humor in this one is sick. It makes fun of shut-ins. Shut-ins are very vulnerable, lonely people who are in a lot of pain. Their plight is not funny. The Onion is usually hilarious but they went too far with this one.

[rabidfish02]

@Sunshine100 not as bad as when they made fun of masturbating on 9/11 or dead firefighters.

[DarkEpyon123]

@Sunshine100 Quit being a hypocrite, the joke only went too far this time because it must have hit you on some kind of personal level. so either you are a shut-in yourself, or you know someone that is. but if that is the case, where were you when the onion was making fun of all the other people in their videos; gays, kids, trashy young girls, political people, etc.

either you laugh at all the jokes, or you laugh at none because you didn't listen to them in the first place

[bennycasson]

@AL13NM

@t0umart0u

can i just how refreshing it is that people on youtube having an argument that doesnt resort to swearing and threats! well done for being some of the only mature people on this site.

[danecooktz]

@bennycasson fag

[AL13NM]

@bennycasson thanks.Most people who resort to expletives and insults only prove how simple and backward they really are. it is very reveling how people respond.It tells you a lot about their intelligence and often their character.peace.

[schirick]

Who is the female moderator actress? Is she known outside of TheOnion?

[admiralzzyx]

@schirick

Tracy Toth...and not really.

[TheShortStory]

haha! Iove how heartless they are!XD

[j0k3r822]

Hahahahahaha,Such A Fucking ******.....

[AL13NM]

I think the onion missed with this one,at least for me.Shut ins are obviously mentally ill,which is a poor target for humor.Next we'll be laughing at mentally handicapped homeless people and hair lipped children in 3rd world countrys.those are real knee slappers.

[t0umart0u]

@AL13NM One can laugh about anything, but not with everyone =)

Either it is ok to laugh about everything or it 's not ok to laugh at anything at all.

[AL13NM]

@t0umart0u Yeah, thats why I wrote "at least for me".

And for your sake, I hope no one you love develops a mental illness like alzheimers, that just may impede your ability to laugh about anything.

[t0umart0u]

@AL13NM

It happens I have a close relative who lacked oxygen when born.

It still does not hurt me when people make fun of mentally challenged ones. Freedom of speech FTW, no matter who one might hurt.

Once again, either it is ok to laugh about everything or it 's not ok to laugh at anything at all. It's that simple mate :)

[AL13NM]

@t0umart0u It is this simple mate-I disagree.If you lack empathy enough to mock those that suffer,not you,them, then you are probably a sociopath.And you are using a non absolute in tandem with an absolute.Not everyone laughs at the same thing and you can either laugh at everything or nothing-That is a contradiction which proves you do not understand what even you mean.

[t0umart0u]

@AL13NM Sorry, I don't understand what you mean by absolute and non absolute.

I never said everyone laughs at the same thing. I don't get your message and empathy has nothing to do with it.

Just read these few words: either it is ok to laugh about everything or it 's not ok to laugh at anything at all.

Anyways, let's just agree to disagree.

[Quizoid]

@AL13NM Like a lot of what the Onion does, you can look past the "making fun of someone," part to the lesson. I'm sure this video will inspire many people to visit their older relatives. It'll do more good than harm in the end.

[Sunshine100]

@AL13NM Well said. This is a sick video. Exploitation is not humorous.

[AscendingBaldur]

@Sunshine100 If you don't get satire, or don't like it for that matter, get the hell of The Onion since that's pretty much all your going to find on here, and we fans actually enjoy it.

[AL13NM]

@Sunshine100 No it isnt that funny, but it reveals a lot about the ones who do think it is funny.especially when they think they are one up on every one else because they "get it" and can laugh.Dont sweat all the negative comments from the ones that disagree with you,remember no one gets out alive.peace.

[killerwhale8000]

@AL13NM I see what you meant by your original comment. It's like "The elderly and helpless...THEY NEED TO BE BROUGHT DOWN!!" lol. It seems as though the onion could probably find a more appropriate target. I didn't really find this one funny either, and I think it's because I have a heart for mental illness.

[HeavyMetalNoize]

@killerwhale8000

no old people were harmed in the making of this video.

[killerwhale8000]

@HeavyMetalNoize Hahahaha. Thanks for the reassurance. I guess now I can proceed to laugh at weak comedy...

[happycatthegreat]

Aww... sad old people....

[failtolawl]

"how to transform your trash into your neighbors trash" :3 I wonder how.

[Arguus]

Well, well... Tracy just got reaaaaally HOT =)

[intindse]

LOL

[iamalex818]

the co-host is such a fucking milf

[TheAwesomeBomb]

Hahahahahaha!

[bryanguy1]

I seen that guy before at 149 lol ha

[iRantYourVids]

That was very creepy.

[ghuegel]

@klayman2 I think Chrome is a better (faster) browser, and their adblock works well on youtube ads.

[80smusicfanNO1]

Whoah, she is looking FINE today!

[Stairmaster9068]

: / what happened to the comments about the newslady being hot?

[jfriesen39]

lol i love the interviewer guy, he's awesome in every vid

[Prytanus]

The "Today Now!" episodes of the Onion come dangerously close to meeting the requirements for Poe's Law.

Frighteningly close.

[TheWarehouse100]

this is so sad .. :(

[koztowz]

@TheWarehouse100 I almost wept

[shadowriser22]

LOL nice...

[k3nt0456]

what are PAs?

[ontarianitch]

@k3nt0456 people anonymous or production assistant, which do you prefer?

[GlengarryGlennBeck]

this one was pretty lame

[Lpoolboy]

awesome

[Scribble98]

old people are gross.

[kendracorpse]

@Scribble98 what about your grandparents?

[Quizoid]

@Scribble98 Someday you'll be old or dead.

[DavidtheDuke]

the lady interviewer should've asked "What about 1990?" and the old lady'd should "I DON'T REMEMBER ANYONE FROM THEN, RALPH NEVER VISITED MY HOUSE. And this lady from 1980 we talked about the hostage situation"

[YERaFUGNmoron]

@Saeldur do you real think someone has the name of Carl Marks or Karl Marx. You probably still don't get it, huh? *lol*

[YERaFUGNmoron]

@Saeldur do you real think someone has the name of Carl Marks or Karl Marx. You probably still don't get it, huh?  *lol*

[sorenbo89]

1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d!

[dinothunder2048]

@sorenbo89 50 d0 u

[turb0strid3r]

@sorenbo89

Translation: I am a huge faggot.

[luigi2413]

hahaha i didnt know this was onion and i was so baffled for the first minute

[Yyyyzyyy]

Hello, my name is Carl Marcks of the National Asocial Rehabilitation Organization, San Bernardino division, and I am very unhappy with this video. They should not be encouraging people to be asocial and remain indoors for decades at a time, rather they should be encouraging these people to leave their homes and experience the outside world. Asocialism is a national disease that needs to be cured.

[Vortigern99]

@Yyyyzyyy Physician, heal thyself!

[WishingForSerenity]

@Yyyyzyyy

Troll



[JURPO90]

@Yyyyzyyy ur joking or u dont really dont know this is a joke.

[dinothunder2048]

@Yyyyzyyy it's antisocial, and no it's not a disease

[yakuko]

@dinothunder2048 Anti-social doesn't mean what you think it means. But then again, most people are ignorant to the difference between the meanings of anti-social and asocial. (Hint: one is also used to describe to sociopaths.)

[3Storm]

@yakuko

Your comment is Anti-Social.

[YERaFUGNmoron]

@Yyyyzyyy @Yyyyzyyy I wholeheartedly concur. I'm Dr. Len. N. Commiman of the Old People's Institute. Here was an excellent opportunity for a worthy public service announcement to instead encourage shut-ins to get outside and mail in the fucking census form themselves. This would improve circulation in their legs as well as save tax dollars. We can only hope this comment leads to such benefits, and yet somehow fails to elicit comments from morons informing me that the Onion is satire.

[bobbysnobby]

@Yyyyzyyy Asocialism is not a fucking disease, Ebola is a disease. in fact Asocialism isnt even a word



[gubgub1234]

@bobbysnobby you're right. it's just a crippling disability. XD

[pleasuremuffin]

The concept alone was enough to make me laugh.

[yaboidarius225]

she feel played

[televisionremote]

I can't get enough of the new intro.

[killyourself2862]

"Still Ahead This hour...

How To Transform

Your Trash Into Your

Neighbor's Trash"

lol good stuff XD

[atticus126]

good stuff as usual...

[italia1975guy]

I like old twat

[peter1234930]

@italia1975guy GROSSS!!!!!

[buyj3llo]

old people with a sense of humor are very funny.

@buyj3llo Look up the fruitcake lady. A hilarious elder who is now deceased, but people enjoyed her sense of humour very much.