Atheism and Marriage/Relationships

[publiusdg]

These were posted 4 years ago. Before i spend any time expressing my opinions, are you still there and single?

[gopimaran]

I am 24 year old guy and I am an atheist. I love to get married but not in the way other people. Wedding is waste of money. I hate those religious weddings. But I prefer to have a small party to let others know that I am married and show my future wife.

[xjedixwarriorx]

I'm a 22 year old female Atheist. I would love to get married someday, just not soon. I have no interests in even dating a religious person because I feel they would never see me as their equal. Anyone who puts a deity before their own personal life cannot be trusted to raise any future children we may have. I will not allow my children to be indoctrinated into any religion and having a religious husband/wife would make that impossible.

[femmefatalegamer]

I and my fiance are both Atheists. Prior to our relationship, I was pagan even thought brought up strictly and super religiously christian. My fiance (and further study of the Sciences) has opened my eyes, and without this I'm sure we wouldn't have lasted. We are having a wedding but only a modest one (less than $5,000) that my family is paying for, not in a church & with no mention of God or the like--mostly to appease my family and the little girl inside that always wanted to get married.

[MisterMcKinney]

I totally agree. I think big weddings are overrated and a waste of money. I'm still in college and not planning to have a serious relationship until I get a career established and financially stable, which could be another ten years for me as well. As for marriage/weddings go, I definitely would want to marry an atheist as well because our beliefs or lack thereof inform our actions. For the wedding, immediate family only, secular, and in a memorable place like a beach. Very minimal.

[Macabresque]

Personally, I don't think I could be in a relationship with a religious person... not that I have issues with theists, as I have plenty of friends that are Christian (it's unavoidable), but I just need someone that is intellectually on the same wavelength as me. I need them to be able to understand and relate to at least some of my views on life, especially something as major as religion.

[matthewtaylorbrown]

Religion is a huge deal for anyone thinking about getting married. My wife and I are both atheists. We didn't get married until after I retired from the military. She has been an atheist for 40 years and I for 30. I've had too many relationships with religious women. The wife has divorced twice from shallow Christian men. Marriage and our wedding were ours, they did not belong to a religion. We are secular in life, not atheists. We both wore boots and jeans at Glacier Park for our wedding. :)

[ReyDS80]

Simply put I can not respect in someone who has an imaginary friend. I could not marry someone who believed that Elvis is still alive, the lochness monster is real, santa claus is real, aliens kidnap us, a virgin having a baby, zombie jesus, walking on water, voodo dolls work, human sacrifice (jesus), Big Foot, leprechauns have gold, six day creation, adam and eve, praying helps, heaven, hell, Satin, Jesus, Zues, Osiris. These are all delusions, and unless your delusional your self it wont work

[DeltraTRJames]

I am an ex-agnostic. I'm a Christian now and am married to a Christian. I can say that I could never imagine being married to someone who didn't share my religious beliefs or lack thereof if that were the case. The truth always seemed to me to be that trying to change someone to a particular religion is wrong and being with someone who does not respect your religion will cause conflict and can be a faith killer. I think it would be near impossible to make it if both were extreme in their views

[Alraera]

Thanks for your comment, DeltraTRJames. I can relate to your point of view.

[matthewtaylorbrown]

@DeltraTRJames It is the same with us atheists. Spouses should really have their similar angle on religion and politics.

I wonder why Most Christians have an issue with gay marriages, but never say anything about atheist marriages. I would think it woud be the other way around as many gays are Christians. :)

[DeltraTRJames]

@matthewtaylorbrown

Well, in any case of marrying, I think it is best to be "equally yoked", to share views on the major stuff, with is unavoidably religion and politics.

As far as atheists marrying, I would imagine it is not as upsetting to most Christians because it is a man and a woman, even if they are an awful couple and probably shouldn't be marrying one another. As far as many gay marriages belonging to Christians, that is a whole other topic. Anyone can call them self a Christian.

[SomeLogic]

i'm an atheist (male) dating a christian (female).

it ends up being hard cuz of what WE see as critical thinkin, THEY see as silly

it ends up being hard.

but really i love her and it'll work if we let it

it is hard, ican't say that enough but if you love someone, it's worth the try

[ReyDS80]

@SomeLogic I feel you as a fellow atheist man. But something has to budge at one point. Will you mutilate your sons penis because some ancient book tells them. Will you teach your children that God created the earth in six days and took sunday off? The bible endorses slavery and child murder. Will you teach your child that the bible is the one true word of God and has no faults or mistakes. Will you baptize your child? Will your child be born a sinner? Ask those questions first atheist.

[godsclone2]

Weather you believe in God or not. The reason why anyone is sad is because we selfishly spend too much time worrying about our own problems.

Religion, (any of them) is irrelevant. how you treat those around you is what matters.

[ElyaThorn]

Yes religion is a factor, absolutely. However it depends on the person that I am dating, if they have an open mind and we can talk about it, without trying to convert me, I would be ok with a Christian who doesn't attend sermons every Sunday. Still, I would prefer to go out with an atheist.

That being said, I am quite shocked that we have the same world-view, life-views, that we think alike. ;) including the comment about the flowers and the engagement ring.

[beavis1a03]

Religion is a factor, I have dated xtians, and simply "spiritual" girls and it just doesn't work out. The approach to solving problems and dealing with events is just not the same. I am married with an agnositc woman.

[JezuzDiedLOL]

One would idealy hope to find another similar to your religous beliefs but you have to remember that there are also (few lol) some rather shockingly intelligent moderate religous people too. My wife is actually a moderate Christian and if FAR from the stereotypical Evangelical loudmouth. We both agree in things like evolution, abiogenesis, etc etc but her views are quite complicated and I love her the more for it :) Just dont totally isolate yourself in this regard is my advice. All the best! :P

[randypagan]

you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are well grounded.

[neomp5]

being agnostic (in the litteral sense of lacking all belief, making ne atheist), and as a person who has spent a lot of time comparing and examining different cultural traditions and views so as to peice together a better one from the good bits, i've come to some conclusions that most people find startling and freakish:

[neomp5]

1: romance does not exist. it is a hormonally induced stupor intended to shut off the human brain long enough for reproduction to take place. and it is extremely short-lived. 2 people see each other, and get intense feelings of bliss, inspiring them to do stupid things like get married, because they feel as though they'll "live happily ever after". a few months later, they realise they hate each other. this is not a feeling that should be making people's choices, it's not even a real emotion.

[neomp5]

2: monogamy is unnatural. males are geared towards speading their seed to as many females as possible, and females are geared towards finding the best male physical specimen, recieving his seed, and getting the hell rid of him, because the best physical specimens are idiots. as a result, monogamous human relationships are impossible to maintain, we need variety.

[neomp5]

3: since romance does not exist, what remains are sexual attraction and frienship. you can have one or the other, or both at the same time, they have little to do with each other, and there is no number limit on either.

[neomp5]

by friends, i do not mean "buddies". i've never had much use for buddies. i mean where you form an idealogical connection with someone that is without fear or inhibition, when you understand someone enough to trust them with your flaws and help them with theirs. that, when combined with sexual attraction, is probably the deepest kind of relationship that can be had. but it's no romance, it's far more real, and there is no limit on how many of these relationships can be had at any time.

[neomp5]

as for sex, since i do not abide by european tradition and define "wrong" as basically "that which causes harm", i have only 2 rules about sex:

it must be safe

it must be consented to by anyone and/or everyone involved who did or does have a mind.

beyond that, anything goes, whether you like to screw old ladies, cats, or dead bodies. i could not care less, as long as nobody's getting hurt.

[neomp5]

and as for offspring, we have no shortage of children in the world, i see no reason to curse yet more to this misery. but we do have a shortage of children being taught a rational understanding of the world, so it is our responsibility as rationalists to give a rational upbringing to the children who are already out there, so that they can in turn do the same.

you might have noticed that i've given this subject extensive thought. something i generally strive for.

[Alraera]

Thanks for your comments, neomp5 =). I guess what you would describe as romance, I would describe as infatuation/being 'in love.' My notion of romance - something I hope exists - are small bits of consideration that lovers give to each other - acknowledgment of birthdays and anniversaries, cooking the other's favorite meal, instances of physical affection that don't necessarily lead directly to sex (i.e. PDAs) - essentially the kind of stuff you'd do for a close friend, but more intimate.

[neomp5]

i would say that's a very naive, and culturally christian, view, and not realistic. it's an idea that's only been around a few hundred years, and started in fiction. what you're describing is a more superstitious interpretation of friendship, or even just common decency.

common is the wrong word. basic is more accurate.

such relationships are not limited, either. coughlan666 has a video on this, i reccommend it.

[Alraera]

I know many happy couples who've been together for a long time who embody the characteristics I gave above. Of course there are arguments, and not everyday is all butterflies and sunshine, but what I would define as romance rooted in friendship and sexual compatibility keeps them together. You seem quite jaded for someone only a few years older than me.

[neomp5]

all there is is friendship and sexual attraction. they are seperate and unrelated things, notlimited to a certain number of people. monogamy is a religious fantasy, the only way to make a monogamous relationship last is to pretend your problems don't exist. this makes life hell. the "happiness" you're seeing is a coping mechanism.

people need to stop forcing relationships. you feel what you feel for people when you feel it and you do what you feel like doing about it.

[neomp5]

i must say i'm dissapointed that this religious worldview is so programmed in your mind that when someone speaks against it, you have to jump to "age" to explain it, perhaps the cliche of "oh, someone hurt him and now he's traumatised and acting out". anything except "he's looked at the situation rationally and without cultural bias and formed an opinion which should be considered"

there are more things in life that need to be questioned than mythical deities. skepticism is a way of life.

[Alraera]

And all that is is your opinion, to which you're entitled.

[neomp5]

it's also factual and can be observed without exception.

[matthewtaylorbrown]

@Alraera Hey, atheists have only one concept in common. All else is up for grabs. As an older atheist I have met atheists that:

1. Believe in an afterlife.

2. Beleive in spirits.

3. Beleive in a higher power.

4. Believe in reincarnation.

5. Believe in salvation.

6. And any manor of things except gods.

You are an individual atheists, don't let the others project onto you. :)

[jessicakennon]

@neomp5 Romance is real...

[neomp5]

@jessicakennon

romance is a literary contrivance, it became fashionable in poetry only a few hundred years ago. nobody had heard of it before that.

[jessicakennon]

@neomp5 You've never wanted to be romantic to anyone? There's a reason why only the one person you love can create these chemicals that create the feelings of romance.

[neomp5]

@jessicakennon

those chemicals are of addiction, not romance. they're not difficult to come across, or synthesise. personally, i don't want them.

by the way, there is no "one person". it's religion that tells you that, and that's even more recent.

[jessicakennon]

@neomp5 It's way more than  just chemicals. I honestly don't the chemical thing isn't much, considering different we all are.

[neomp5]

@jessicakennon

all we are is chemicals and nerve impulses. there is no soul, there are no soul mates. these are religious fantasies and poetic embellishments. they're not real.

[oldskoolgamer04]

man, if anything, finding the right person is the hardest part of getting into a relationship. I have never had a g/f tho it is something i desire in the near future. But for now, im happy being single. I think having a relationship adds only stress in ur life. Besides, i find that most girls in the area i live in are jerks and shallow. I dont drink, smoke, or do drugs. I only drink in social events and never get drunk. Sadly, girls are not like that. Only the intelligent ones are clean.

[Alraera]

Haha, I don't drink either. Hopefully you've had some luck with relationships since 8 months ago?

[jcapsel85]

wow 8 months eh? Im using my current account jcapsel85. I am not using my oldskoolgamer account anymore. But hey, no girlfriend yet. Still looking tho.

[andytoz]

I don't think it's shallow, it's practical.

[hotmercedes]

WOW. I'm 38 a scientific Pantheist, and ordained minister of the atheist church of American. Yes I can marry straight and same sex couples.

My divorce will be final in 3 weeks. I ended up with SOLE custody of our son. She was a closet christian and had MANY affairs on me. In the end she walked out one day and blamed it all on my views. since she lived a wild lifestyle I had plenty of evidence to destroy her in court. I let her go the disillusionment way to keep her true self hidden. continued

[FearedUnknown]

I'll marry ya in 10 years or so, it sounds like you'd be quite the sugar mama by then...

Only kidding

I dated a religious nut before, it was annoying whenever she brought up god and servitude and all that.

The girl I'm dating now isn't religious but still isn't very stable :( (fun though)

Good luck getting into med school; I'm applying this year too

[dahak8875]

I married to so called "christian" for ten years. It didn't matter for a while till we had children. Then are different points became terribly evident. This led to a terrible divorce. Please don't marry a christian, you will not regret right away, but you will in the long run. Not that marriage is a bad thing, it can be fun with the right person.

[sthebg20]

Agreed! Adopt many children! You will be a true "saint".

[Alraera]

Indeed! Thanks for the comment, sthebg! =D

[cain825]

I'm also an athiest and i share the same ideas as you do about weddings, children, careers and soforth. It seems to me that it makes more sense to agree with everything that you've said because the no.1 reason for divorce is finances and the struggles in that respect is the fact that trying to pay off a $20,000 wedding can prevent you from living comfortable and happy life financialy and does causes stress and strain on the marriage. Marrying an atheist makes more sense.

[Alraera]

Thanks for the comment, cain. Though I'm sure atheists have their share of divorces too, for reasons besides religion. But in any case, no need to waste thousands on a lavish wedding that will set an unrealistic tone for the couple's future (as well as a big dent in their check books).

[MagnusIan]

Damn it, why couldn't I have met a girl like you? You sound very similiar to me. I'm fine with friends being whatever religion (or lack thereof) they want, but as far as a girlfriend or wife, being an atheist would be most compatible. You're sensible like me. I don't want some bigass wedding. I'd rather just go to the courthouse or at least have close friends and family in a small ceremony. Problem is, they would all have a mental breakdown if they found out I was an atheist. Bummer I know. : /

[Alraera]

lol, same here! This is why eloping is becoming a more and more attractive option =). Thanks for your comment, Magnuslan =D.

[sharpeiprincess]

I'm mainly non-religious I think. I don't subscribe to any particular religion and don't really intend to at all in my life even though my current partner is mildly religious.

I don't think religion is too big of a deal as long as the person isn't completely dogmatic about it. If your partner is adamant that you're going to hell for being an atheist, that relationship won't work. But if he's respectful about your beliefs, I don't see why it couldn't work.

[sharpeiprincess]

It works both ways though, so if you end up at some point connecting with a mildly religious person, you might have to make some compromises for them. There are ways around it if you are both willing :) I don't think you should restrict yourself to atheists/nonreligious people, but be open to a few viewpoints as long as the person you will be attracted to is accepting of yours.

Weddings don't have to be religious in nature^^ I want to hold mine on my university's campus, lol.

[Alraera]

Thanks for your comments, sharpeiprincess =D. I agree that acceptance - mutual acceptance - is a really important factor to consider that could mediate not sharing the same religious beliefs. But in that case I'd also have to take into account how accepting the b/f's family is about different beliefs. And how the b/f and his family would react to not raising any kids we'd have into a particular religion.

[infinit888]

Mostly atheism comes hand in hand with other intrinsic values, other than just a disbelief in god, which I find to be important in a relationship.

I also study biochemistry and for me my partner would have to be rational above everything else or I wouldn't be able to share my ideas, hopes and dreams. I just wouldn't 'connect' with a theist.

As for marriage I wouldn't care to get married in a church. It's a nice tradition and I would just get the priest to adjust his speech.

[Alraera]

Thanks infinit, and I agree that atheists/agnostics in general tend to share similar mindsets and ways of approaching the world that would be hard, though not unheard of, to find in religious people. Glad to hear someone else values rationality....I'd much rather have that sort of connection with someone than be 'madly/blindly in love' or whatever.

[klangsteiner]

I wish I had met someone like you 30 years ago. I've been married twice and am currently single and have lived alone for 17 years. My second marriage was to a catholic and that lasted a total of 54 weeks. I think it pissed her off that I knew more about the bible and her own religion than she did.

[Alraera]

lol! Sorry to hear about that. Hopefully there are more people like us around nowadays than decades ago, at least in the US. Otherwise, I am still strongly considering relocating to a more progressive-minded country...and hopefully I'll be moving to a less religions US state around this time next year.

[InfinityAlarm]

I helped de-convert my present gf. A month or so into our relationship, religion came up and she asked me what religion I was. I told her that I have no religion, and why (basically b/c suffering is clear-cut evidence that an all-powerful, compassionate being doesn't exist). She's open-minded and could recognize that I have very legitamite reasons for my disbelief. A couple months later she told me that she didn't believe in god anymore.

[InfinityAlarm]

But I've dated quite a few Christian girls, I don't really have a problem with it (unless they're "saving themselves" for marriage). If they have an issue with my atheism, they're free to go. There's plenty of others out there who aren't so judgemental. Basically, I don't have an issue with their religion as long as they don't have an issue with my lack of religion.

As for marriage... I leave that ball in the girl's court. I'm fine with no wedding, but if she wants one, I'm game.

[Alraera]

Thanks for the comments, InfinityAlarm =D. Hopefully there are some religious folks out there (and their families) who aren't so judgemental.

[NEWSTOGOD]

Join an atheist group at a college -- kill 2 birds with one meeting.

[Alraera]

lol! I didn't find out there was an atheist group at my college until a few months ago, but I think they had a total of one meeting this year, which was apparently heavily attended by (the much more prevalent) student Christian groups there to try to disprove them/whatever. Well, that's what I get for going to college in the South. One more year...

[not4resale]

oh geez, i'm greek orthodox by birthright it would seem and I'm pressured to bring home a nice greek girl, the only problem is with the ones I have dated, as soon as they found out that I was not only not greek orthodox but an...atheist! I didn't see much of them afterwards. My current lovely lady is agnostic but she struggles with her christian beliefs that she was brought up with. She wants the big wedding and shebang because her mum would like it.

[Alraera]

Thanks for your comment, not4resale =D. Hopefully everything works out between you two...my parents had a simple (church) wedding so they aren't pressuring me for a big ceremony, but it will be quite a blow-out if and when I do decide to marry. Depending on if my b/f has the same mindset, eloping sounds like a good plan.

[DaveJonesBSNews]

It's not shallow. I did date a religous girl and had to break it off as she constantly tried to convert me. Never again, but I live in the UK, it's no problem meeting an atheist/agnostic.

[Alraera]

Lucky you! Yeah, I wouldn't want to perpetually put up with a boyfriend or his family trying to convert me, or like Rudy was saying, have the relationship complicated by my feelings that the guy and his family weren't being rational in their beliefs, and thus not be able to respect them that much.

[rudyhenkel]

Single atheist here. I definitely agree that I would definitely not wish to marry a religious person. Primarily this is because I would have a difficult time respecting them, and also because I would not be willing to have my children lied to.

I could find myself marrying a pantheist, or a deist, or someone with some sort of very vague and abstract religious belief, however. But if the person believes in an intervening god, or the power of prayer, or salvation through faith: absolutely not.

[rudyhenkel]

When it comes to marriage, I definitely want to be married at some point. That is my personal preference. I would prefer to avoid the large, church wedding, and do a simple court house deal, as you sort of suggest.

However, I would be willing to go along with a big wedding, if my future spouse desired it. I might even be willing to have it in a church, if it was a big cultural deal for them, as long as they did not subscribe to the religious implications.

[rudyhenkel]

After your video, I'm just hoping I can, myself, find a girl who doesn't want an engagement ring =D

[Alraera]

lol!  Thank you for your comments, Rudy, glad to know there are like-minded people out there!