David Cross - Heaven/Squagels

[EuchridEucrow1]

So fuck you, old man!

[gears5336]

this is great

[TdrumsRHCP]

This girl is so American.

[mcamac1]

why is she talking...Skip to 0:33

[thespeltz]

God

[ShawnRavenfire]

Anyone else remember "Squarbles?" Square marbles from the 80s.

[PicassoBeau]

The chick at the beginning, a perfect example of American female ignorance and apathy. Duh, "let America laugh, like, ya know, we have had so much shit" duh. Has she ever picked up a newspaper and realized the American responsibility for the crisis, American style greed emulated around the world and the fact that it is accomplished while the uniformed, pig headed masses are (duh) having fun?

[Anarchymonkey293]

the tyranny of round!!!!

[omggarybuseyRULES]

David Cross is so fucking negative. I always hear his voice, think it's Patton Oswalt, and immediately cringe with disappointment.

[billsurf101]

Easily one of the funniest bits on youtube.............total genius.

[herpaderpadyderp]

@3:30

[Diamondust14]

Am I the only one that can't stop thinking of Tobias?

[konatown5]

@Diamondust14 Excuse me sir, that's Dr. Tobias Funke M.D. Analrapist.

[simpsonskkl]

It's Zero from GTA San Andreas and Uncle Ian from Alvin and The Chipmunks!

[judikerr]

i like how people use to things to sound smarter , ex: you are stereotyping and hugely over-generalizing. wtf is that

[rickortiz7]

@judikerr I know this post isn't directed towards me but it still bothers me either way. The reason people use those "things" (in some cultures they call those words) is because it gets a point across clearly and intelligently. If you don't know the definition of Stereotyping or Over-generalizing look it up. It hurts to be ignorant. Not enough people these days use a good vocabulary, I'm sorry your public education failed you.

[rickortiz7]

@rickortiz7 on another note if David Cross didn't use words like that in his routines he wouldn't be half the comedian that he is. He would be another dipshit comedian with a mono-syllabic (consisting of one syllable) r'epertoire of fart jokes and generic sexual innuendo. Just saying that those with a strong grasp of the English language shouldn't be mocked for it but respected because it only makes the other party look foolish

[jwt2005]

@judikerr those are pretty basic words right there

[cypheronyx]

instead of angels they should make Osama bin laden, Sadam Hussein, Hitler, and Carlos Mencia drive the buses in heaven.

[twinsrule1987]

I love David Cross, but there's no call to be hating on Huey Lewis and the News like that

[MolecularMoonlight]

You see that kid in the front row point and scream at Cross when he didn't give him his autograph? XD Denied! 5:50 LOL

[thewrokman]

shtop watching shee enn enn

[Tw1St3DSt33L]

"saying a believer is happier then a sceptic, is no more truthfull then saying a drunk man is happier then a sober one"

also, how do you become an angel? they sound like heavens slaves.

[TheBookwormFromMars]

Isn't he Ian in Alvin & the Chipmunks?????? (My brother and Sis -3 it.)

[ekixen]

I love David Cross, and I also love Squagels, mainly because I had one for breakfast every morning for a week at their 17th St location when they were introducing the Squagel. So I was square before you were square. I was also broke. Thank you, Cosi.

[deBeuk]

I am an analrapist.

[JD0x0]

@deBeuk can you analrap me I need some deep analyzing by a therapist.

[Renshato]

i am a never-nude

[max171717]

who thought of huey lewis in the news - american psycho?

[NexisFilms]

He reminds me of Jim Carrey here ... !!!

[NexisFilms]

LOL , Now I want to see him VS Hanson in scary Movie 2 again !@

[Husavikur]

Christians are simpletons. Fatuous, cowardly simpletons. Strip away their mythological insurance policy and they have nothing but fear and panic.

We should all feel sorry for them.

[cKunke2]

@Husavikur I'm sorry but you're stereotyping and hugely over-generalizing. Your comment could also be directed towards Atheists, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, or Muslims.

[Husavikur]

@cKunke2  You're incorrect as you superstitious baby jesus worshippers usually are.

My comments about cowardly, lying, cheating, hypocritical, self-serving, assinine, superstitious idiots are always properly directed at the morons who call themselves 'christians'.

[HighPriestofLemuria]

@Husavikur Not only that, but most of them tacitly admit that they would be immoral banes on society if they weren't frightened into obedience.

[abelyjc]

@Husavikur fuck you fear your scared to have faith you cant even s ay one way or the other but you choose faith without realizing it

[Husavikur]

@abelyjc Thank you for proving my point. Your post looks like it was written by a simpleton. Now run along, the big people are talking.

[dropdead024]

@abelyjc lol your a faggot

[HolidayKirk]

@Husavikur Well thats a shitty generalization. Thats like saying that all atheists are miserable, hopeless, drunks that will die alone. Its not true but neither is what you said.

[Husavikur]

@HolidayKirk You're right, there's no need to pity them.

[Husavikur]

@HolidayKirk What I said is absolutely true and is proven every day by your nosy, judgmental neighbors, your child raping priests, your ignorant, asinine elected GOP attempting to pass laws that ban miscarriages (see the state of Georgia) and myriad countless daily examples of this vulgar, fascist christian mentality.

[nurb101]

@Husavikur

don't forget the dumb Jews, Buddhists, Taoists, Wiccans, Druids, Amish, Towelheads, and the cow worshipping Hindus

[Husavikur]

@nurb101 Nurb, While I agree that they almost as vile as christians, none of those are hammering on my door trying to convert me like a bunch of busy-body bitches.

[ZoSo028]

36 people like their bagels to roll away...

[zgitzoid]

Damn, man, I could totally go for a squagle right now...

[coltondemonte]

I hate when people say that a comic isn't funny when clearly everyone is laughing in the crowd.

[premiumjerky]

Oh come on, David Cross is awesome and everything but I felt really bad for those two guys at the end, lol. :(

[painting]

@premiumjerky lol had to watch it again, and they were really pissed off.

[lastnamehave]

who sings the song in the beginning of the vid?

[peeweecoby]

pussy doodles!

[billsurf101]

fucking brilliant!

[rockbizz]

welll excuuuuuuuuse me

[NukedDevilDog23]

fuck yeah squagels!!!

[rhcpfrush420]

god someone punch that stipid bitch

[navespacial]

when he talks about bagel (before squagel) he sounds like chester from sifl & olly.

[jerzy862]

Jesus Christ, people who beleive in Jesus Christ are stupid.

[physic3]

what a cool dude.

[DarkestKnight1980]

I had heard David Cross had bought a home in upstate ny, Sullivan County to be exact and that he lived right around the corner from me. I dismissed it until when shopping at our local small town store, i happen to look to my right, and who do i see? David Cross. I walked right by him and was about to say hello, but thought there was a reason that he's here at 10 till close and moved to the country, he probably wanted to stay incognito.

[AngryPigFetus]

@DarkestKnight1980 I give you props for not saying hello, but sometimes you gotta do it. You're not a pain in the ass paparizzo or annoying neighbor. I'd say go do it.

[ac3jc]

jesus christ!!

[adgal18]

remember that dumb ass song by that dumb ass band nobody gave a shit about 20 mother fucking years ago? :) fave part!!

[LudLow]

That girl was jaw'n bad. All coked up!

[francescainez]

Aaaaaaaahaaaaaa!!!! I Love David Cross so much!! They have TAR in heaven!!! Who knew?

[CRooster3]

You're gonna love our eggs!!!

[TheBlitz1]

@CRooster3 no its more like

YO GUUUNNA LUUUV OW UUEEYUUEEGS

[astroboirap]

the girl has some wierd speech impediment. looks like a camel.

[YahIDontKnow]

I like how the girl in the intro is seeming all sincere (and dumb) and then add's in mildy at the end ..."and get fucked up".

[quincee33]

was David in the Beastie Boys Fight For Your Right To Party video? He looks like the guy who says "i hope know bad people show up"

[FungusMossGnosis]

@quincee33

No, that guy doesn't sound like Cross and he looks bigger.

[sixfiveohhbby]

i.. i dunno.. a bagel.. ? and hes crying

hahaha

too funny

[rumvodkaf1]

nevernude

[soulcheckw2]

@rumvodkaf1 So those are what the cut-offs for?

[hunter2279]

nuh uh dude. not bagels. try squagels!@!@!

[ZoSo028]

Cross is a saint. I love his demeanor in this bit.

[porkpie420]

i wonder who gave the 31 thumbs down... stupid fucking bible bangers this is the 21st century ffs

[LittleRedMenace]

@porkpie420 Actually, it was probably just squagel haters.

[tjohn1986]

do they squagels in heaven?

[hunter2279]

bagel? ...i dont know...?

WRONG. ITS SQUAGELS!!

[TygerOfPanTang90]

31 religious squagel lovers don't like this video...shame on you!!!

[Cheshykid]

I don't think david cross has a problem with God, I think he has a problem with religion and people's interpretation

[Smackalady1]

Fun. Thats allllllllllllllll people can do when they are powerless to change their government whether they vote or not. That girl was right. Go have fun. If your car craps out and yo mama dies because she cracked out her days......Fun. Thats what life is about. Fun.........Fun...........Fun.­........Ok im drunk, but im having FUN!!!!!!.....Posers!!!!!

[PilmarKhinKari]

I remember when I was in Primary School (age 3-9 maybe?) we all had to go to assembly in the morning on each day. When the head teacher had finished speaking we would all have to say the Lord's Prayer. I took it as a matter of fact and a normality. Recently (I'm 24 now) I realised how fucking insane and how much like cult brainwashing that was. How do parents still put up with this bullshit?

[graaar]

@PilmarKhinKari I know, we prayed every day in school in Hebrew, I didn't even understand what the fuck they were having me say. Recently I read one of the prayer translations and I was thanking god for not making me a woman! Too late motherfucker!

[JonYodice]

lmao to the slut in the beggining

[BroWhatever]

Yes?

[sasmccrass]

End scene -

Dude getting his shit signed with arms crossed on monitor - "This is the apex and most beautiful moment of my life."

David then walks away.

Dude who's shit is not signed, pointing - "I know who you are, David! This will not be forgotten you scum!"

Dude in black shirt white tie - flabbergasted at the mere presence of David Cross.

Dude with mullet / poster knows he is about to be denied and escapes into darkness.

Stoner - "Whhaaaa?!"

In the end, David cross is the man. 

[monsieurhassan]

naaa, not funny

[elbonia17]

dont be opressed by the tyranny of round!

[saivert]

do you stupid fucks have to discuss religion in every single David Cross video here?

arrggh!!!

[SevenRiderAirForce]

@saivert lol it's funny.

[sovietsentinel]

bahahaha the delivery on the squagel bit is so perfect.

[benzagel]

LOL Squagels. man that bit about heaven is so good to.

[buhgzy]

its hip ta be a square

[comptonasstaylor]

hahahahahahaha dont be oppressed by the tyranny of round!

[chefmarcgirard]

Will there be squagles in heaven?

[JayXavier]

The woman at the beginning was sooo dumb. Can't stand people like that. What is she doing at a David Cross show?

[anetchi]

oh man!! religion is ridiculous!

[devoette]

Is this from "Shut up you fucking baby"? I didn't know there was actual footage!

[D119heavy]

pretty funny but he takes way too long setting up the squagle joke, its like a minute of him just standing there saying bagel? bagel? reminds me of ben stein from Ferris Bueller's Day Off "Bueller ? . . . Bueller? . . ."

[comptonasstaylor]

@D119heavy thats the point

[astroboirap]

why does that girl on the intro talk/act/have the mannerisms of a horse? talking all wierd with her horsey jaw

[Skynetdefensesystems]

David Cross has the most annoying voice ever.

[standingonair777]

the woman at the beginning was pretty annoying, but David Cross is awesome.

[ibell83]

remember that song by that band nobody gave a sh*t about 20 motherf*kin years ago! yea!

[NorkelFjols]

What I wanna know is.. Will there be squagels in heaven??

[jert38]

"don't be oppressed by the tyranny of round!"

lulz

[asarotiv]

Tobias Funke Flashback

[blackwolf1200]

you can't do this any better

[realisticHomeboy]

This guy needs to do some more TV. He was hella funny in arrested development.

[LaurensDogg]

@realisticHomeboy Amen to that.

[Onibakudrift]

mr.show was better.

[billsurf101]

Lmfao....squagals!!!! haha dont be oppressed by the round!!!

[pixiecrossing]

LOVE THIS GUY!!!!!

[ChunkyAndMoist]

"Don't be oppressed by the tyranny of round, man!"

Fucking genius.

[CrushNazT]

lmfao

[BraeDoktor]

woah he looks like Zero in gta sa

[MickyG4444]

he was zero in GTA san andreas

[BraeDoktor]

XD I knew it a million years ago lol just chilling a round

[gushusla]

most seriously religious people have no sense of humor. they are too busy asking invisible dieties to help them win lottories.

[orkasteez]

@gushusla word

[stecksalathe]

@gushusla Well said!

[scootsogle]

@gushusla awesome

[dchs11]

@gushusla no david cross is just not funny.

[wtfbbqhacks]

@gushusla Yep, regurgitating the same drivel as every other hack comedian bashing religion. This is SO original. Give me a break..

[Gorshkin111]

@wtfbbqhacks Hack comedian? Get a life, man, and go buy a sense of fucking humor. And, BTW, this WAS original material. It's his. What have you done with your life? Writing comments on YouTube like the rest of us losers, hoping against hope that you'll get through to someone? Yeah, you're SO original!Hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!­!!!! (P.S. This is what we in the Internets call "pwned," and you were just on the receiving end of it. Biyyyyyoooooooootch!

[wtfbbqhacks]

@Gorshkin111 I wasn't hoping to get through to anybody, I was just stating a fact. Please, think what you want.

[aDifferentView]

@gushusla I'm with you. I'd call myself "spiritual." I would also say David Cross is so funny I sometimes have to stop listening so I can catch my breath and not vomit from laughter.

[livndletdie]

he's not jewish, he's actualy a human being oka.a very funny human being

[mrfigo524]

that women sucks

[BelayboyBiH4ever]

FYI He's not Christian he's Jewish...and he's hilarious. RIP Arrested Development!

[1IDCallaghan]

Someone started a square pie company and started selling them at music festivals here in the uk. Thing is, they're actually doing really well.

[xbrett78x]

Make your best move ass bite. [:<3 I remember him.

[ErichoTTA]

Oh my god

No, not you.

Jesus.

No, not you.

Some of his best work.

[CodyRicheson]

I'm suddenly reminded of why Christian comedians (not comedians that happen to be Christian) aren't fucking funny. Go David Cross!

[KyOlar]

True that. You can be a Christian and be funny, but you can't be Christian funny.

[kylekillsit]

@CodyRicheson

what christian comedy?

[CodyRicheson]

@kylekillsit, seriously, just type in "Christian comedy" or "Christian comedian" on youtube, you will get a wealth of very painful videos of fundamentalists attempting to be funny.

[kylekillsit]

@CodyRicheson

thats more than a little scary and or stupid. i get a laugh out the christian side hug video though. but i think they are actually serious.

[unclemuscleshour]

Did anyone else notice the guy sieg heil'ing at 5:43 ?

[Josephdorf03]

nah, he was just trying to get Cross's attention

[brian8603]

Funny! David Cross is great! And that girl at the start of the video? Exactly the kind of girl I take home from the bar after too many beers.

[vjszq4]

people will do anything to make money.

Squagels !!!

[thegreatestbak]

LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

[reichmarshall]

Do you realize your acronym means "Laughing out loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud?"

That's really loud.

[thegreatestbak]

right right, but then how do you say:

Laughing out LOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUD

[zoebro201]

mean!

[ridethespiral23]

bahahahahahahaha  .......awsome

[thegreatestbak]

i was gonna talk some shit but ur video with the baby and the wolf is awesome

[AJWP4]

I love arrested development haha

[big69bud420]

Tobias*

[big69bud420]

Tobia Funke: Analrapist

[dandelione]

"Don't be oppressed by the tyranny of Round."

[samherf]

this is sooooooo funn-e!!! that some "journalist" said that there is transportation in heaven... fuuuk me david cross is the MAN!!!

[Zoast]

hahahaha great! XD

[BlizzardOfTheCoast]

Nuh uh, dude. Not at Cosi.

FINALLY, man!

[askmeagain32]

you suck at photoshop

[AnthraxGoodybag]

I heard he's friends with the guys from TOOL

[cutefluffyllamas]

Go watch the first episode of Mr. Show. In it Maynard has a cameo appearance in a sketch. You can also catch glimpses of Adam in the audience.

[joeytiago]

yeah, search "tool vicarious commentary". they had david do a commentary of the video. its pretty funny

[Clazzy8]

Tobias!

[jamesf944]

fucking awesome.

[masmotors]

i got my girlfriend into him and mr show and she loves it.i had to beg her to watch it the first time.

[tawil89]

Dont be oppressed by the tyranny of round!

he's the best

[SplookBlook]

Get fucked up with my family?

[epicdeuce]

bagel?

[1083Brian]

HA HA HA HA.. ''How did that guy possibly get that information''?? David Cross is my favorite stand up comedian. I love his style.

[fooshfoosh]

sooo fucking funny!!

[jxwhee]

take a shot every time the girl in the beginning says "ya know", it will get you tipsy.