And your work is for sure an important step for this to happen. I actually admire your input on the asexual awareness topic, and it's not something i say all around. ^^' I believe that sometime in a future all orientations will be accepted by most civilized societies as a variation of norm, and that time could be much longer into future if not yours and others activists work. At very least, it's not a worse way to spend one's life then constantly wanting sex or ranting on those who doesn't. :P
@LoneIrbis I like to think my work has made a difference, and thank you for the admiration. :) In the next version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, they're going to change how Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder is presented (because many asexuals can get falsely diagnosed as having HSDD based on the current definition), and the change is partly a result of the asexual community's having addressed it and petitioned for change. :)
But while it's not common for me to just drop the thing until i get to the core of it, less nerdy person could've easily go emo, delete all link on asexual stuff, etc. It could've take some time for them to get back in touch with asexuality if that's who they are, but just got the idea wrong. Which by no means is a fault of your videos, or anything at all in particular. I consider it as a side-effect of how most of 'newborn' communities works until it gets wide and known enough.
@LoneIrbis Right, I can see viewers assuming they've found something that's close but not quite right, and feeling that they can't be asexual because one of the commonly cited "excuses" for asexuality is true for them (like having been sexually abused, having a disease or disorder, or being young).
It's not like your top10 and nothing else made me feel less comfortable as asexual, and it was a very needed info at first place. But until i've started digging into lots and lots of info gathered by community, i wasn't sure if it was a correct term to use for me. As if 'ok, so asexuals are those nearly perfect guys and girls who just happen to not be attracted to any gender nor want sex for no particular reason - then it's unlikely the proper label in my case, i need to look more carefully'. ^^
@LoneIrbis I see. Well, since asexuals are people like anyone else, they're bound to have their own flaws, their own quirks, and their own experiences of other non-normative traits at similar or identical rates as the rest of the population (like how people assume an asexual is asexual because of being religious, and even though that's not relevant, there certainly ARE religious asexuals).
And i do understand what you mean on if your older videos could give a wrong idea. Tbh, i remember how i bumped into your old top 10 about 3 years ago, when i happened to discover the 'asexual' term for myself. I had no youtube acc, and since then i hadn't checked back on your channel, and hadn't connected much with asexual community (being a hardcore introvert myself, usually i just read things, but rarely participate).
@LoneIrbis Yeah, I didn't join any groups for a long time, until I realized that the best way to be a voice for a misunderstood minority is to talk to both groups. :) (Don't want to end up misrepresenting anyone.) I felt no need personally to find fellowship with other asexuals, even though I like it when people understand and share my experiences; I just didn't feel lost and alone like a lot of people do when their experiences aren't common.
It's me again. ^^ I've been commenting on your last video, and now i just wanted to say... indeed, i can relate to many points you've made here. Even more so, i think it's brilliant. Nearly every word you say (not only here - i'm familiar with some of your texts too) i've been thinking to myself and even trying to explain to others for YEARS. And here you are, so easily and impossibly accurate converting it all into a half an hour awareness-awesomeness, if i may say. ^.^ (and now i'm gonna spam)
@LoneIrbis Thanks so much for the compliment on my success in translating the experience into words. I pride myself on doing so in an accessible way and I like hearing that I succeeded.
do you have any thoughts on how a mere mortal might go about trying to achieve the level of self love/esteem/knowledge/actualization - whatever you want to call that quality, that you seem to have been born with supernatural levels of?
you make me see how empty i am, but i don't see how it can be changed fundamentally, only superficially bandaged
@AIexandar I'm not sure how to answer. Are you implying that asexuality suggests that I'm beyond mortal and have transcended base desires? (That's 100% inaccurate, btw.) But if not, and you're just talking about how I'm confident and content in general, for me it just comes from not requiring the permission or participation of anyone else when it comes to what it takes to be happy; I invent it for myself. I love other people, but they complement me, not complete me, so I'm always whole.
@swankivy yes, the latter! that is a further description of the state of being to which i refer... but do you have any thoughts on how someone who is not in that state naturally might go about trying to achieve it?
@AIexandar Part of it was the luck of the draw, being raised in a supportive family. But I think I first started being responsible for my own happiness sometime in 7th grade. I found my creativity and immersed myself in creating and sharing the things that made me happy. I dedicated myself to ongoing, self-driven projects and got regular doses of accomplishment from completing them. It's different for everyone, but I recommend setting a goal in something you love and try to enjoy chasing it.
@KikyoChanXD Yeah. A lot of people are really grossed out by the idea of sex with someone who isn't attractive to them. So if you're not attracted to anyone, it makes sense to be repulsed. Not everyone is, but it's one of several natural reactions.
I'm always afraid if/when I come out as asexual that people are going to link it with my depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses... I think my argument from now on is going to be spinning the statements towards straight people. "You're asexual because you have a mental disorder." "Maybe you're /straight/ because /you/ have a mental disorder."
(I wish people checked their privilege more often. It's always great to see when people are sensitive to others' experiences.)
@Jess91350 Know exactly what you mean. It's like they expect all of us to be normal in every way except "asexuality" or else they'll happily blame the asexuality on whatever else is unusual about us. Bottom line is, if a person like me who has no "other" conditions is allowed to be asexual but any other glitch makes asexuality a symptom, then asexuality is being considered a last-resort diagnosis and that's just silly.
@BelgianBollocks Yep, we all grow and change sometimes! I believe I got people's orientation statements from their original HPoA auditions or first HPoA videos (since an introduction is where people are most likely to declare their orientation), so I figured some people might've shifted since then--so an annotation to that effect does precede the bit where I highlight examples, just in case. Hopefully my audience can still generalize the concept even if my examples shift. ;)
@swankivy Yes, I said I was heteroromantic in my first videos, but I quickly realized that it wasn't the case. I mentioned my doubt in week 17 of the vlogs for the first time. It seems like ages ago now xD Nowadays I even lean more towards men than women when it comes to romantic attraction.
@BelgianBollocks Yep, when I was looking for examples aces, I only combed intro videos. I haven't seen most of the HPoA vids. Just goes to show you we don't use our labels prescriptively, but descriptively . . . it's always hard for people to get that when I talk to them about words we use to describe ourselves. Like with me, as an aromantic, it's not a word I use to suggest I took a vow against dating; if I date tomorrow, I'll be romantic!
@republicofsandles I understand why Asperger's folks and asexual folks are both perceived as in need of a cure, because by normative standards we're both missing some kind of functionality. The problem is, in both cases, we're a variant. We have the capacity to live full lives and enjoy who we become despite that we're different in rather fundamental ways. I'm not sure why people are so threatened by it that they're violent about the desire to fix us while claiming it's for OUR own good.
i'm still tripping over the concept of an asexual person who masturbates, going and looking for, and finding porn, in order that they may masturbate. for reasons of having fantasies or whatever. so far i'm following everything else, except this.
@xBillyTheKidx Not all asexuals who masturbate use porn or have fantasies, but it's possible to fetishize and be aroused by the idea of an experience without it being attached to sexual attraction to another person. What defines an asexual is lack of sexual attraction to other people. It doesn't preclude someone from liking the idea of imagining certain things happening (not even necessarily to themselves) and not being sexually excited by it if it's presented in a real-life context.
@xBillyTheKidx I don't know. I don't get to define such things. Some people enjoy fantasizing about things happening to them that couldn't happen or that they wouldn't actually like if it was real life, but beyond knowing that that's how people (both asexual and not) sometimes fantasize, I haven't had any reason to look into it in any extensive way.
excellent 2part video, you are actually really amazing, an inspiration and a role model to me, I dont know how u can handle all the crap that people are telling u, question I'm on a relationship but i'm afraid to tell her that i'm asexual, my previous relationship fail cause i told her i'm asexual she made me feel bad cause i didnt want sex and didnt had sex, that i was missing in life, and everybody is telling me to just go with it and if not it going to fail also, btw u give hope to continue
@cast0r Thanks, glad it was helpful. Sorry you're having issues with relationships. It sounds like some education about asexuality might help the people you're trying to be intimate with. Depending on how much physical intimacy you're willing to deal with, it could be possible to forge a compromise; many asexual/sexual relationships work out with compromises. Don't let people tell you that sex is the only way to truly show love, though. If they love you back, they'll figure out what's best.
Okay, first, glad you're back. Second, there's no much you can really do about the "armchair psychiatrists" who think they're right, even when they're wrong. It's the same thing with people who complain about Rule 34 of whatever. Third, if you're not grossed out by sex, think of your parents having sex. Lastly, I think this whole "you have to get laid" thing is bullshit. "Oh, you had sex with someone, good job. Any chance you can cure cancer?" It's cause their parents told 'em it was important.
@TheTundraTerror Meh. Well, you can't force them to learn. I try to present my experience in an accessible way, and if they're still determined to shut me out, they can feel free to judge my life all they want. It won't change what I'm going to do with it. I'm willing to help educate the sincerely interested, but that's all I can do. Also, it's not up to anyone else what my life "should" be about and by what standards I'm allowed to call myself successful or happy. It's not their bar to set.
@DaggVids So nice to hear. :) Thank you for commenting! I wish people who felt alone and unsure about their orientation had known about others too . . . I feel like I was really lucky not minding that I seemed to be the only one until I found out there was a community. I never had the whole "THANK GOD I'M NOT ALONE" moment a lot of people mention, but most people do deal with oppressive and alienating and erasing situations without having anyone to relate to. :(
@swankivy Yeah, having Asexual friends, or even just knowing there's a community, can be a relief to some. I suppose my biggest problem was, after coming out to a few people as a person who "doesn't really care about sex" - and getting ridiculed by almost everyone I came out to- I ended up not so much distrusting myself, but distrusting everyone else... so that could be another problem for people who feel alone in this; they could become paranoid, not to use the term lightly or anything.
@DaggVids Oh yes, that's true! Good point! Many people don't understand how to do anything but turn the scorn and ridicule inward, but there are some who will get jaded about others' reactions and start approaching the world with a "It's not ME who's wrong, it's EVERYONE ELSE" attitude. Unfortunately, when THEY are the majority, they have the numbers behind them in repeating the damaging mantras, and it's only a very few of us who get through that treatment without reacting poorly in some way.
No I mean, you are like a girl that I wold like to be in a realationship with, I can't tell what is "HOT" or not. you are nice, that's all I see.
This may sounds wird, but I wold love to be asexual, but too bad I'm not, I have to deal with being Hetrosexual. I dno't like to have a sex drive ( short story)
@magmadragon92 Sorry your sex drive annoys you. No, it doesn't sound weird for people to say they wish they were asexual--I hear it sometimes and I don't think the people who say it actually understand what they mean because they're usually talking about sex drive, not sexual attraction--but yes, not everyone sees sexual interest as fulfilling. Some are just irritated by the distraction, but can't help feeling it. You'll figure out what's best for you.
And your work is for sure an important step for this to happen. I actually admire your input on the asexual awareness topic, and it's not something i say all around. ^^' I believe that sometime in a future all orientations will be accepted by most civilized societies as a variation of norm, and that time could be much longer into future if not yours and others activists work. At very least, it's not a worse way to spend one's life then constantly wanting sex or ranting on those who doesn't. :P
LoneIrbis 2 weeks ago in playlist Другие видео от пользователя swankivy
@LoneIrbis I like to think my work has made a difference, and thank you for the admiration. :) In the next version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, they're going to change how Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder is presented (because many asexuals can get falsely diagnosed as having HSDD based on the current definition), and the change is partly a result of the asexual community's having addressed it and petitioned for change. :)
swankivy 1 week ago
But while it's not common for me to just drop the thing until i get to the core of it, less nerdy person could've easily go emo, delete all link on asexual stuff, etc. It could've take some time for them to get back in touch with asexuality if that's who they are, but just got the idea wrong. Which by no means is a fault of your videos, or anything at all in particular. I consider it as a side-effect of how most of 'newborn' communities works until it gets wide and known enough.
LoneIrbis 2 weeks ago in playlist Другие видео от пользователя swankivy
@LoneIrbis Right, I can see viewers assuming they've found something that's close but not quite right, and feeling that they can't be asexual because one of the commonly cited "excuses" for asexuality is true for them (like having been sexually abused, having a disease or disorder, or being young).
swankivy 1 week ago
It's not like your top10 and nothing else made me feel less comfortable as asexual, and it was a very needed info at first place. But until i've started digging into lots and lots of info gathered by community, i wasn't sure if it was a correct term to use for me. As if 'ok, so asexuals are those nearly perfect guys and girls who just happen to not be attracted to any gender nor want sex for no particular reason - then it's unlikely the proper label in my case, i need to look more carefully'. ^^
LoneIrbis 2 weeks ago in playlist Другие видео от пользователя swankivy
@LoneIrbis I see. Well, since asexuals are people like anyone else, they're bound to have their own flaws, their own quirks, and their own experiences of other non-normative traits at similar or identical rates as the rest of the population (like how people assume an asexual is asexual because of being religious, and even though that's not relevant, there certainly ARE religious asexuals).
swankivy 1 week ago
And i do understand what you mean on if your older videos could give a wrong idea. Tbh, i remember how i bumped into your old top 10 about 3 years ago, when i happened to discover the 'asexual' term for myself. I had no youtube acc, and since then i hadn't checked back on your channel, and hadn't connected much with asexual community (being a hardcore introvert myself, usually i just read things, but rarely participate).
LoneIrbis 2 weeks ago in playlist Другие видео от пользователя swankivy
@LoneIrbis Yeah, I didn't join any groups for a long time, until I realized that the best way to be a voice for a misunderstood minority is to talk to both groups. :) (Don't want to end up misrepresenting anyone.) I felt no need personally to find fellowship with other asexuals, even though I like it when people understand and share my experiences; I just didn't feel lost and alone like a lot of people do when their experiences aren't common.
swankivy 1 week ago
It's me again. ^^ I've been commenting on your last video, and now i just wanted to say... indeed, i can relate to many points you've made here. Even more so, i think it's brilliant. Nearly every word you say (not only here - i'm familiar with some of your texts too) i've been thinking to myself and even trying to explain to others for YEARS. And here you are, so easily and impossibly accurate converting it all into a half an hour awareness-awesomeness, if i may say. ^.^ (and now i'm gonna spam)
LoneIrbis 2 weeks ago in playlist Другие видео от пользователя swankivy
@LoneIrbis Thanks so much for the compliment on my success in translating the experience into words. I pride myself on doing so in an accessible way and I like hearing that I succeeded.
swankivy 1 week ago
It makes a lot clear.
A gut ones told me I can't be clairvoyant because I have Asppergers syndrom. It is like the same case.
magmadragon92 2 months ago
do you have any thoughts on how a mere mortal might go about trying to achieve the level of self love/esteem/knowledge/actualization - whatever you want to call that quality, that you seem to have been born with supernatural levels of?
you make me see how empty i am, but i don't see how it can be changed fundamentally, only superficially bandaged
uhh sry this is random.
AIexandar 2 months ago
@AIexandar I'm not sure how to answer. Are you implying that asexuality suggests that I'm beyond mortal and have transcended base desires? (That's 100% inaccurate, btw.) But if not, and you're just talking about how I'm confident and content in general, for me it just comes from not requiring the permission or participation of anyone else when it comes to what it takes to be happy; I invent it for myself. I love other people, but they complement me, not complete me, so I'm always whole.
swankivy 2 months ago
@swankivy yes, the latter! that is a further description of the state of being to which i refer... but do you have any thoughts on how someone who is not in that state naturally might go about trying to achieve it?
AIexandar 2 months ago
@AIexandar Part of it was the luck of the draw, being raised in a supportive family. But I think I first started being responsible for my own happiness sometime in 7th grade. I found my creativity and immersed myself in creating and sharing the things that made me happy. I dedicated myself to ongoing, self-driven projects and got regular doses of accomplishment from completing them. It's different for everyone, but I recommend setting a goal in something you love and try to enjoy chasing it.
swankivy 2 months ago
@KikyoChanXD Yeah. A lot of people are really grossed out by the idea of sex with someone who isn't attractive to them. So if you're not attracted to anyone, it makes sense to be repulsed. Not everyone is, but it's one of several natural reactions.
swankivy 2 months ago
Swank did i see you in the (A)sexual trailer ?
gabrielcrimson 2 months ago
@gabrielcrimson Yeah, I'm in the movie.
swankivy 2 months ago
I'm always afraid if/when I come out as asexual that people are going to link it with my depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses... I think my argument from now on is going to be spinning the statements towards straight people. "You're asexual because you have a mental disorder." "Maybe you're /straight/ because /you/ have a mental disorder."
(I wish people checked their privilege more often. It's always great to see when people are sensitive to others' experiences.)
Jess91350 2 months ago
@Jess91350 Know exactly what you mean. It's like they expect all of us to be normal in every way except "asexuality" or else they'll happily blame the asexuality on whatever else is unusual about us. Bottom line is, if a person like me who has no "other" conditions is allowed to be asexual but any other glitch makes asexuality a symptom, then asexuality is being considered a last-resort diagnosis and that's just silly.
swankivy 2 months ago
(Arne here) I've been identifying as panromantic for almost a year now. Great videos, though. :)
BelgianBollocks 3 months ago
@BelgianBollocks Yep, we all grow and change sometimes! I believe I got people's orientation statements from their original HPoA auditions or first HPoA videos (since an introduction is where people are most likely to declare their orientation), so I figured some people might've shifted since then--so an annotation to that effect does precede the bit where I highlight examples, just in case. Hopefully my audience can still generalize the concept even if my examples shift. ;)
swankivy 3 months ago
@swankivy Yes, I said I was heteroromantic in my first videos, but I quickly realized that it wasn't the case. I mentioned my doubt in week 17 of the vlogs for the first time. It seems like ages ago now xD Nowadays I even lean more towards men than women when it comes to romantic attraction.
BelgianBollocks 3 months ago
@BelgianBollocks Yep, when I was looking for examples aces, I only combed intro videos. I haven't seen most of the HPoA vids. Just goes to show you we don't use our labels prescriptively, but descriptively . . . it's always hard for people to get that when I talk to them about words we use to describe ourselves. Like with me, as an aromantic, it's not a word I use to suggest I took a vow against dating; if I date tomorrow, I'll be romantic!
swankivy 3 months ago
I'm confident my Asperger's led me to be asexual, because of a modified nerves system.
I don't regard that as a problem though, as I don't consider Asperger's a problem either.
Asexuals seem to have been considerably more tolerant of the notion of being cured then Aspergerians have.
People with Asperger's often hate being told they should be more normal.
Great video. Glad to see your still posting.
republicofsandles 3 months ago
@republicofsandles I understand why Asperger's folks and asexual folks are both perceived as in need of a cure, because by normative standards we're both missing some kind of functionality. The problem is, in both cases, we're a variant. We have the capacity to live full lives and enjoy who we become despite that we're different in rather fundamental ways. I'm not sure why people are so threatened by it that they're violent about the desire to fix us while claiming it's for OUR own good.
swankivy 3 months ago
i'm still tripping over the concept of an asexual person who masturbates, going and looking for, and finding porn, in order that they may masturbate. for reasons of having fantasies or whatever. so far i'm following everything else, except this.
xBillyTheKidx 3 months ago
@xBillyTheKidx Not all asexuals who masturbate use porn or have fantasies, but it's possible to fetishize and be aroused by the idea of an experience without it being attached to sexual attraction to another person. What defines an asexual is lack of sexual attraction to other people. It doesn't preclude someone from liking the idea of imagining certain things happening (not even necessarily to themselves) and not being sexually excited by it if it's presented in a real-life context.
swankivy 3 months ago
@swankivy so what kinds of examples would you say fall into the category of experiences the idea of which it is possible to fetishize?
xBillyTheKidx 3 months ago
@xBillyTheKidx I don't know. I don't get to define such things. Some people enjoy fantasizing about things happening to them that couldn't happen or that they wouldn't actually like if it was real life, but beyond knowing that that's how people (both asexual and not) sometimes fantasize, I haven't had any reason to look into it in any extensive way.
swankivy 3 months ago
excellent 2part video, you are actually really amazing, an inspiration and a role model to me, I dont know how u can handle all the crap that people are telling u, question I'm on a relationship but i'm afraid to tell her that i'm asexual, my previous relationship fail cause i told her i'm asexual she made me feel bad cause i didnt want sex and didnt had sex, that i was missing in life, and everybody is telling me to just go with it and if not it going to fail also, btw u give hope to continue
cast0r 4 months ago
@cast0r Thanks, glad it was helpful. Sorry you're having issues with relationships. It sounds like some education about asexuality might help the people you're trying to be intimate with. Depending on how much physical intimacy you're willing to deal with, it could be possible to forge a compromise; many asexual/sexual relationships work out with compromises. Don't let people tell you that sex is the only way to truly show love, though. If they love you back, they'll figure out what's best.
swankivy 4 months ago
Okay, first, glad you're back. Second, there's no much you can really do about the "armchair psychiatrists" who think they're right, even when they're wrong. It's the same thing with people who complain about Rule 34 of whatever. Third, if you're not grossed out by sex, think of your parents having sex. Lastly, I think this whole "you have to get laid" thing is bullshit. "Oh, you had sex with someone, good job. Any chance you can cure cancer?" It's cause their parents told 'em it was important.
TheTundraTerror 4 months ago
@TheTundraTerror Meh. Well, you can't force them to learn. I try to present my experience in an accessible way, and if they're still determined to shut me out, they can feel free to judge my life all they want. It won't change what I'm going to do with it. I'm willing to help educate the sincerely interested, but that's all I can do. Also, it's not up to anyone else what my life "should" be about and by what standards I'm allowed to call myself successful or happy. It's not their bar to set.
swankivy 4 months ago
i get that crap too. " you just have not experienced it yet". Uhg.-_-
eartianwerewolf 4 months ago
*Big sigh* Ivy, you're my hero. Too bad I didn't know about you or any other Asexuals about ten years ago. But at least I do now. :D
DaggVids 4 months ago
@DaggVids So nice to hear. :) Thank you for commenting! I wish people who felt alone and unsure about their orientation had known about others too . . . I feel like I was really lucky not minding that I seemed to be the only one until I found out there was a community. I never had the whole "THANK GOD I'M NOT ALONE" moment a lot of people mention, but most people do deal with oppressive and alienating and erasing situations without having anyone to relate to. :(
swankivy 4 months ago
@swankivy Yeah, having Asexual friends, or even just knowing there's a community, can be a relief to some. I suppose my biggest problem was, after coming out to a few people as a person who "doesn't really care about sex" - and getting ridiculed by almost everyone I came out to- I ended up not so much distrusting myself, but distrusting everyone else... so that could be another problem for people who feel alone in this; they could become paranoid, not to use the term lightly or anything.
DaggVids 4 months ago
@DaggVids Oh yes, that's true! Good point! Many people don't understand how to do anything but turn the scorn and ridicule inward, but there are some who will get jaded about others' reactions and start approaching the world with a "It's not ME who's wrong, it's EVERYONE ELSE" attitude. Unfortunately, when THEY are the majority, they have the numbers behind them in repeating the damaging mantras, and it's only a very few of us who get through that treatment without reacting poorly in some way.
swankivy 4 months ago
Oh, yeah.
No I mean, you are like a girl that I wold like to be in a realationship with, I can't tell what is "HOT" or not. you are nice, that's all I see.
This may sounds wird, but I wold love to be asexual, but too bad I'm not, I have to deal with being Hetrosexual. I dno't like to have a sex drive ( short story)
magmadragon92 4 months ago
@magmadragon92 Sorry your sex drive annoys you. No, it doesn't sound weird for people to say they wish they were asexual--I hear it sometimes and I don't think the people who say it actually understand what they mean because they're usually talking about sex drive, not sexual attraction--but yes, not everyone sees sexual interest as fulfilling. Some are just irritated by the distraction, but can't help feeling it. You'll figure out what's best for you.
swankivy 4 months ago
@swankivy
Think you are right, well, thanks. You helpe me a lot. Too bad there are not meany like you. o_-
magmadragon92 4 months ago