(cont.) So a problem arises for transmen, like myself, who also don't feel that they were born in the 'wrong body'. I felt the same when I identified as a lesbian, even if gayness were "a choice" it should be a valid one. If it matters if it is a choice at all then the assumption is that chosing to be different would not be OK. Well it is.
Watching this and reading comments I realized what bothers me most about the assumption folks with privilege make is that others should want to blend in and be like the majority. There has been a strong drive in our brains for this natural "in-group" mentality forever.
I totally can relate w/ you re: the "guy talk" when other men talk to us.. the discomfort and not that we entirely know what they're saying... given that our experience was different from them (culturally and biologically). The point you made abt gay cis-men hit on you, but what if they find out your not a cis-man... would they like you the same. So TRUE!!!! I hide my transness becs i'm a gay trans-man, but at the same time, i also want people know i am trans. Thanks for this video. :)
It kind of sounds like you're saying that those guys who are talking to you are unaware of their male privilege, probably misogynist and transphobic. And, the question you're asking, 'is it because I'm trans or is it because I'm not a douche', is almost irrelevant. People being terrible is people being terrible and it sounds like you're not putting up with it. That's what matters!
"What if you fucking knew I had a vagina?" A good question! I'm a gay cisman, but I have definitely hit on transmen before. I think just the existence of someone like Buck Angel or a site with self-made trans porn like Xtube has definitely convinced some gay men that what they're attracted to is not necessarily genitalia.
I'm not saying you aren't justified in maybe feeling a bit affronted. I knew the transmen I hit on were gay. I just don't think your genitals matter to all gay men.
Also, I think it's impossible to separate a transman's "trans-ness" from his "man-ness." People are social creatures and we are all shaped by our experiences, so your life as a woman is something you may always bring into your interactions with others. It took me a while to become comfortable "being the kind of guy I am" when in the company of cis-guys. But we are all unique and have something to teach each other. I look at it that way.
The key is simply challenging what society normalizes and "others" to the point where gender as we know it ceases to be so narrowly defined. Then there is room for being "trans" and a "man." And, partnered with someone of the opposite gender and queer. It will take some time and is already happening. As trans people become more visible, the rest of society will eventually be forced to stop being so stupid about gender. (Not that all cis people are stupid about gender, but you know....)
great topic im in that total situation right now was just thinking about it.. well said.. me and my partner have been together 9 yrs and we have gone from a lesbian couple to a straight couple its very weird..
People consistently assuming that I'm straight is both hilarious and frustrating. I am invisible. I cannot count the number of times someone has made an off-color remark to me and depending on the situation, I'll either just say outright that I'm queer or make some queer/progressive comment. Then I get to watch their eyes open wide and brows furrow as they begin to nervously and desperately try to backpedal.
Rant of my life (minus trans-ness). Also, "Not that I even want to sleep with like half or the majority or even like all the guys". It made me lol that you clarified and the amount went higher with each clarification :D I've found that the "queerness" of a person is highly rated according to their presentation as well as whom they are holding hands with at the moment :P
Hey, maybe it's not some much to do with trans so much as aging and the accompanying eveolution of the inner landscapes and our referencing of, and relationships to the world, and with perceptions
@leftarts good point...it's not in the video, but I rambled a bit on a clip I cut out about wondering how much of these experiences are related to that personal evolution and aging. thanks for the comment!
@AleaFails If I had one, I would wear it ;) I have a hat that says "I <3 my vagina on it" Unfortunately, many gay men refer to their asshole as their vagina, so that doesn't have the intended effect all the time either.
I think about a lot of the same things in general---not just having to do with transness, so your video makes a lot of sense to me. I'm often read as straight and cisgender, but I'm also reluctant to work hard to "project" any sort of visible queerness or non-normative identity for a number of reasons. First I realize that some people are not going to understand me or my experience no matter how well I express it. Secondly, I don't really want to try so hard to control what others think of me o
@eternallyborn I like your comment - to try to let go of what others think of me...and when I get to that place I definitely feel better. I think because I teach trans stuff I'm always thinking about identity, etc. etc. and these things creep into my own sense of self when they don' t have to. thanks for the comments.
I really get what you're saying in the first part!!...but don't really have an answer to that. Just the comment, that it's so about the looks and the thereon depending perception (as you mention) which is soo exhausting and disappointing. It's like running after an image you want people to have of you, like a shadow (figure of yourself) you can never catch up on - sorry for this rather dark perspective ;)
Yes, as trans people, we are fucked !!! LOL But seriously, I have been on estrogen (me, MtF) for going on 20 years ... and because of what we are, we come from a different experience and perspective than cis-gendered people. It is like we know all these secrets and we hear cis-gendered individuals spout out their beliefs ... and inside we go ... nope, they don't have a clue. In many ways trans people are more progressive. Hopefully cis-gendered people will catch up.
@calebmovie I agree that there's too much identity "policing" both internal and external. Wish it was as easy done as said - to just stop and live life.
frustration, but please do yourself a favor and try and find peace and acceptance within. I hope I'm not coming off harsh, bc that isn't my intention. I see myself in you in many ways and I want to help guide you if I can down a better path than I took. (Suicidal ideations, depression, anxiety, etc) You also must remember you are growing up while transitioning and are constantly changing. To sum everything up..we are all human, wanting to be validated and not judged..much love to you man..peace
individual who could fully have capacitance and see you for who YOU are. The world tends to have a tendency to judge a book by its cover. Unfortunately, many others feel the same way you feel, just differently. Your identity will have to be revealed verbally and ,unfortunately, you will have to accept that you are your own person and not a label and will have to leave that wanting behind. It will eventually only harm you or eat away at you. It's not healthy. It's good to acknowledge your
need to find like-minded individuals to befriend or at least to be able to have intellectual conversations with. Meaning, for ex., jocks hang with other jocks and nerds with other nerds. When you had guys approach you for the first time, I'm going to assume they weren't very open-minded or queer friendly individuals and that you were stealth at that moment in time. In order for you to be fully-appreciated the way you want to be, you would have to surround yourself with an open-minded, queer
I agree with you on SO many levels. I'm queer myself and have proverbially "tasted the rainbow". I know that everywhere I go most people will see me as a heterosexual guy and I think when I first transitioned, I felt very similar to how you said you felt in the beginning, too. Where men will include you into their social groups/cliques and treat you like a man when you were never used to that. I now, 4 years after having begun my transition, personally feel that we as people
Ooh! I have an idea. You could get a tattoo of the transgender symbol. That way guys will pick up on that and realize you're trans. Well, most of them will anyway. Just a thought. :-)
OMG REESE You're so dang cute!! and what does queer me? Like I consider myself ambiguous.. I know this will sound weird but I have dated several lesbian woman when I dress full on woman and live in the woman role, I have also dated men as a gay man...I know how you feel about the whole thing too :\
Yeah good point. You could be sitting right next to a queer person and not even know it. We're everywhere and yet we're all just apparently invisible. lol xD
(cont.) So a problem arises for transmen, like myself, who also don't feel that they were born in the 'wrong body'. I felt the same when I identified as a lesbian, even if gayness were "a choice" it should be a valid one. If it matters if it is a choice at all then the assumption is that chosing to be different would not be OK. Well it is.
ifyouseeryan 1 month ago
Watching this and reading comments I realized what bothers me most about the assumption folks with privilege make is that others should want to blend in and be like the majority. There has been a strong drive in our brains for this natural "in-group" mentality forever.
ifyouseeryan 1 month ago
I totally can relate w/ you re: the "guy talk" when other men talk to us.. the discomfort and not that we entirely know what they're saying... given that our experience was different from them (culturally and biologically). The point you made abt gay cis-men hit on you, but what if they find out your not a cis-man... would they like you the same. So TRUE!!!! I hide my transness becs i'm a gay trans-man, but at the same time, i also want people know i am trans. Thanks for this video. :)
genderfluid 2 months ago
It kind of sounds like you're saying that those guys who are talking to you are unaware of their male privilege, probably misogynist and transphobic. And, the question you're asking, 'is it because I'm trans or is it because I'm not a douche', is almost irrelevant. People being terrible is people being terrible and it sounds like you're not putting up with it. That's what matters!
blickblocks 2 months ago
"What if you fucking knew I had a vagina?" A good question! I'm a gay cisman, but I have definitely hit on transmen before. I think just the existence of someone like Buck Angel or a site with self-made trans porn like Xtube has definitely convinced some gay men that what they're attracted to is not necessarily genitalia.
I'm not saying you aren't justified in maybe feeling a bit affronted. I knew the transmen I hit on were gay. I just don't think your genitals matter to all gay men.
Pseudonym10 3 months ago
This has been flagged as spam show
Awesome cat-pounce over your left shoulder (right from our view) at 6:17
zerkatwork 4 months ago
Comment removed
zerkatwork 4 months ago
Also, I think it's impossible to separate a transman's "trans-ness" from his "man-ness." People are social creatures and we are all shaped by our experiences, so your life as a woman is something you may always bring into your interactions with others. It took me a while to become comfortable "being the kind of guy I am" when in the company of cis-guys. But we are all unique and have something to teach each other. I look at it that way.
itsGOTtobegroovy 6 months ago
Comment removed
itsGOTtobegroovy 6 months ago
The key is simply challenging what society normalizes and "others" to the point where gender as we know it ceases to be so narrowly defined. Then there is room for being "trans" and a "man." And, partnered with someone of the opposite gender and queer. It will take some time and is already happening. As trans people become more visible, the rest of society will eventually be forced to stop being so stupid about gender. (Not that all cis people are stupid about gender, but you know....)
itsGOTtobegroovy 6 months ago
great topic im in that total situation right now was just thinking about it.. well said.. me and my partner have been together 9 yrs and we have gone from a lesbian couple to a straight couple its very weird..
liquidmetalboy 6 months ago
People consistently assuming that I'm straight is both hilarious and frustrating. I am invisible. I cannot count the number of times someone has made an off-color remark to me and depending on the situation, I'll either just say outright that I'm queer or make some queer/progressive comment. Then I get to watch their eyes open wide and brows furrow as they begin to nervously and desperately try to backpedal.
PaigeRfromafar 7 months ago
Rant of my life (minus trans-ness). Also, "Not that I even want to sleep with like half or the majority or even like all the guys". It made me lol that you clarified and the amount went higher with each clarification :D I've found that the "queerness" of a person is highly rated according to their presentation as well as whom they are holding hands with at the moment :P
jrfromvt 7 months ago
By the way your videos are always very interesting! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Doridantoni 7 months ago
Comment removed
Doridantoni 7 months ago
Love this vid, and yes you're making sense.
LiberatedTransguy 7 months ago
@LiberatedTransguy yay! thanks. I'm glad someone understands what I'm saying ha ha!
reesekelly 7 months ago
Hey, maybe it's not some much to do with trans so much as aging and the accompanying eveolution of the inner landscapes and our referencing of, and relationships to the world, and with perceptions
leftarts 7 months ago
@leftarts good point...it's not in the video, but I rambled a bit on a clip I cut out about wondering how much of these experiences are related to that personal evolution and aging. thanks for the comment!
reesekelly 7 months ago
i swore you were gonna say at the beginning "it''s my first time in drag". As in BUTCH QUEEN FIRST TIME IN DRAG.
Now to the actual video.
molkomolkomolkomolko 7 months ago
@molkomolkomolkomolko omg I wish!
reesekelly 7 months ago
We just need to wear tacky T-shirts all of the time. "FYI I have a vag"
That should go over well.
AleaFails 7 months ago
@AleaFails If I had one, I would wear it ;) I have a hat that says "I <3 my vagina on it" Unfortunately, many gay men refer to their asshole as their vagina, so that doesn't have the intended effect all the time either.
reesekelly 7 months ago
I think about a lot of the same things in general---not just having to do with transness, so your video makes a lot of sense to me. I'm often read as straight and cisgender, but I'm also reluctant to work hard to "project" any sort of visible queerness or non-normative identity for a number of reasons. First I realize that some people are not going to understand me or my experience no matter how well I express it. Secondly, I don't really want to try so hard to control what others think of me o
eternallyborn 7 months ago
@eternallyborn I like your comment - to try to let go of what others think of me...and when I get to that place I definitely feel better. I think because I teach trans stuff I'm always thinking about identity, etc. etc. and these things creep into my own sense of self when they don' t have to. thanks for the comments.
reesekelly 7 months ago
I really get what you're saying in the first part!!...but don't really have an answer to that. Just the comment, that it's so about the looks and the thereon depending perception (as you mention) which is soo exhausting and disappointing. It's like running after an image you want people to have of you, like a shadow (figure of yourself) you can never catch up on - sorry for this rather dark perspective ;)
SHeroK2 7 months ago
@SHeroK2 good way of wording it. so true
reesekelly 7 months ago
Love your videos.
TheCbear11 7 months ago
@TheCbear11 thanks
reesekelly 7 months ago
maybe trans people should come up with a secret signal to find eachother...kinda like how gay guys used to do the one earring thing lol
YourLoveLetter 7 months ago
@YourLoveLetter I LOVE this idea!!! Any ideas??
reesekelly 7 months ago
Yes, as trans people, we are fucked !!! LOL But seriously, I have been on estrogen (me, MtF) for going on 20 years ... and because of what we are, we come from a different experience and perspective than cis-gendered people. It is like we know all these secrets and we hear cis-gendered individuals spout out their beliefs ... and inside we go ... nope, they don't have a clue. In many ways trans people are more progressive. Hopefully cis-gendered people will catch up.
Mirabella98102 7 months ago
love this. will reflect more, and add more later. :)
xxthread 7 months ago
Very true. Especially at gay bars and stuff. Everyone will see you as a gay guy rather then a straight transmale. Queer or not. It's complicated.
LYohz 7 months ago
honestly, i think people are spending way to much time defining themselves (or attempting to).
shut up already and live your life! - not you specifically.
calebmovie 7 months ago
@calebmovie I agree that there's too much identity "policing" both internal and external. Wish it was as easy done as said - to just stop and live life.
reesekelly 7 months ago
frustration, but please do yourself a favor and try and find peace and acceptance within. I hope I'm not coming off harsh, bc that isn't my intention. I see myself in you in many ways and I want to help guide you if I can down a better path than I took. (Suicidal ideations, depression, anxiety, etc) You also must remember you are growing up while transitioning and are constantly changing. To sum everything up..we are all human, wanting to be validated and not judged..much love to you man..peace
nathanielgfunk3 7 months ago
individual who could fully have capacitance and see you for who YOU are. The world tends to have a tendency to judge a book by its cover. Unfortunately, many others feel the same way you feel, just differently. Your identity will have to be revealed verbally and ,unfortunately, you will have to accept that you are your own person and not a label and will have to leave that wanting behind. It will eventually only harm you or eat away at you. It's not healthy. It's good to acknowledge your
nathanielgfunk3 7 months ago
need to find like-minded individuals to befriend or at least to be able to have intellectual conversations with. Meaning, for ex., jocks hang with other jocks and nerds with other nerds. When you had guys approach you for the first time, I'm going to assume they weren't very open-minded or queer friendly individuals and that you were stealth at that moment in time. In order for you to be fully-appreciated the way you want to be, you would have to surround yourself with an open-minded, queer
nathanielgfunk3 7 months ago
@nathanielgfunk3 thanks for your comments!
reesekelly 7 months ago
I agree with you on SO many levels. I'm queer myself and have proverbially "tasted the rainbow". I know that everywhere I go most people will see me as a heterosexual guy and I think when I first transitioned, I felt very similar to how you said you felt in the beginning, too. Where men will include you into their social groups/cliques and treat you like a man when you were never used to that. I now, 4 years after having begun my transition, personally feel that we as people
nathanielgfunk3 7 months ago
"we're kinda FUCKED! any way you cut it!" Lmfao....so true....tis our plight...
nathanielgfunk3 7 months ago
Ooh! I have an idea. You could get a tattoo of the transgender symbol. That way guys will pick up on that and realize you're trans. Well, most of them will anyway. Just a thought. :-)
TheSnowyice 7 months ago
@TheSnowyice Instead of a tattoo, maybe a bracelet or necklace, so you could remove if you felt threatened.
robsonic 7 months ago
@robsonic Yeah that actually sounds like a better idea. :D
TheSnowyice 7 months ago
@TheSnowyice I've thought about that....but it's a little to cliche for my tastes
reesekelly 7 months ago
OMG REESE You're so dang cute!! and what does queer me? Like I consider myself ambiguous.. I know this will sound weird but I have dated several lesbian woman when I dress full on woman and live in the woman role, I have also dated men as a gay man...I know how you feel about the whole thing too :\
davisfontanes 7 months ago
Yeah good point. You could be sitting right next to a queer person and not even know it. We're everywhere and yet we're all just apparently invisible. lol xD
TheSnowyice 7 months ago
@TheSnowyice I know! ha ha.
reesekelly 7 months ago