Dan Savage at U of Montana - How to avoid a sexless relationship with someone you love?

[Rosethecomposer]

What about asexuals?

[milascave2]

@Rosethecomposer They should make clear what they are immeadiatly and only ge involved with people of the same orientation.

[NeoCarbuncle]

@Rosethecomposer There's nothing wrong with asexuality, but in this case, the ex-boyfriend was initiating the sex, then not following through. A true asexual wouldn't be initiating at all. Asexual relationships are fine, as long as it's clear to both parties that sex is off the table. In this case, it wasn't, there were mixed signals.

[vegangirly]

Wowa dude. That sounds like abusive asshole possible rape talk...

[milascave2]

@vegangirly Breaking up with somebody whit never wants sex is not rape.

You are trivializing real rape.

[SaruCharmed]

Well... He sounded a little harsh on this topic. I think it's definitely something that shouldn't be withheld. But if he tells you, and it's an issue you can deal with or work with them on then you should stay with them if you think it's worth it. However, someone like me, I don't think I'd be very happy with someone who was uncomfortable with sex.

[id0stuff]

fair advice, no one should suffer being rejected all the time.

[JustABiff]

Who the fuck are the four who actually disliked this?

[Snoep76239]

@JustABiff The boyfreinds who don't like sex...

[vanmedi]

Fair and healthy advice.

[CaraIain]

asexual people trying to defend nondisclosure: I WANT THINGS THAT I CAN'T HAVE WITHOUT MAKING OTHER PEOPLE UNHAPPY, BUT I WILL MAKE THEM UNHAPPY TO GET WHAT I WANT, BECAUSE I AM A GREEDY LITTLE BITCH! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO DENY ME MY HAPPINESS!?!?

[breakingthisdown]

Uh...

[Viracocha88]

"But Dan seems to suggest that someone who can't deal with sex shouldn't even consider a relationship with someone who wants sex."

He doesn't "seem to suggest" it, he states it outright, and most people with brains would completely and totally agree. Frankly, it is downright CREEPY to think otherwise. You don't approach a potential partner thinking that your "need" for him or her is more important than what they want out of a relationship. Especially when it comes to sex.

[iluvspikyhair]

Way to call asexuals defective.

Wow.

[Orville9999]

Bullshit. For all we know the guy had been sexually abused. If a woman with a history of abuse is afraid of having sex does this mean a guy is justified in dumping her for not putting out?

[RosesInThePark]

@Orville9999 Then the person should explain instead of leading them on...

[mujeresliebres]

Why are you wearing a IU shirt but the youtube title says you're at U of Montana? Also as an IU alumn I'm pretty sure that you're standing in front of an red curtain at IU. :P

[antoineralic01]

Adn the thing of me is that, I'm SEXUAL, and a sexless is a NONO, because i WILL get frustrated and to me SEX is an art. The practice of it is sacred to me, and to me, you got to be able to perform or you have issues. And I've studies sexual practices, and you can tell a person thru sex, if you are aware fo what they do to you. I think if they couldn't talk about it, then the guy needs a shrink because 'All guys are programmed by god to mate, and be fruitful of that harvest.

[RaptorClaws24]

Here's my answer: Suss out a person's inclinations about sex before you fall for them. There are red flags if you're with someone who doesn't want sex. If you start hearing them say things like, "I don't like being touched" that's a hint for you. There are people who don't want to be alone and will starve a relationship of sex because they hate it, and if you're a normal sexual person you will resent them for ending your sex life. Read the signs and learn when to say goodbye to a bad match.

[pazomblez]

blah. as much as its a cute analogy, we aren't machines....we're animals. in spite of descartes's ramblings to the contrary, those two are not one and the same.

[MomtaziMitra]

I love everything that comes out of this mans mouth

[MalditosPendejos]

what if you're not a used car?

[matt7kiwi]

@MalditosPendejos "what if you're not a used car?"

Better to be a used car than a used bike!

:)

[MalditosPendejos]

@matt7kiwi what if you're just not used?

[SpadeHand]

HOW VERY TRUE, thank you.

[ral1334]

I find it funny how he's so accepting of all kinds of unconventional behaviors, but anyone who's sexuality isn't particularly vigorous is immediately disregarded as bad and/or insane.

[chessenthusiast]

@ral1334 I think his point is that people shouldn't be deceptive about sex in their relationships. People expect sex in LTRs, and being deceptive about your ability to provide sex is a problem. I've heard him say in other media that if people want a sexless relationship, they should find someone to have that relationship with. There's nothing wrong with a low sex drive, but it becomes a problem when your partner is suffering because of it.

[Goobian]

I could never be with someone that wasn't comfortable with their sexuality. My first gf basically was so used to abuse you had to be sexually abusive to have sex with her. You had to push yourself on her for her to go along with it. The shy 17 year old me could barely get the courage to put my hand on her leg lol. Ahh memories. But I broke up with her because of her issues and she started lying to me.

[SisyphusRedeemed]

Wow, I think that's the first time I've heard Dan give what I think is really bad advice. Some people have life long sexual hang-ups that they never get over. Should those people be condemned to being unloved and alone their whole lives?

[FluidDeconstructor]

@SisyphusRedeemed

I agree, also it's probably an American thing saying you need a shrink for every conceivable problem instead at least trying to initiate communication about the problem. If she persisted in that it might have worked out differently.

[theocean8819]

@SisyphusRedeemed No but they need to figure their shit out before they enter a relationship. Not burden their partner with their own anxieties and issues.

[SisyphusRedeemed]

@theocean8819 "Not burden their partner with their own anxieties and issues."

Isn't that what relationships are all about? Seriously, though: I'm thinking of issues that CANNOT be worked out. I dated a woman who was sexually molested as a child and I really don't think she will ever 'work that out.' Sex was, and probably always will be, a major problem for her. She told me that going in, and I accepted it. I think it's fucked of Dan to suggest that she should just remain single.

[singingdragon]

@SisyphusRedeemed He's not saying she should remain single. He is saying that she shouldn't get into a relationship without telling someone ahead of time that she has that sort of problem. Sex comes standard. Exceptions should be noted, which she did, so kudos to her.

[Viracocha88]

@SisyphusRedeemed

"Should those people be condemned to being unloved and alone their whole lives?" Gee, should their partners be condemned to not having sex their whole lives? Why is it that they should be expected to make such a sacrifice? If for whatever reason, you can't have sex, then only seek out other partners who are also not into sex, but to emotionally seduce somebody first, and mislead them before announcing "I can't have sex" is both childish and cruel.

[Viracocha88]

@SisyphusRedeemed

"Should those people be condemned to being unloved and alone their whole lives?" Gee, should their partners be condemned to not having sex their whole lives? Why is it that they should be expected to make such a sacrifice? If for whatever reason, you can't have sex, then only seek out other partners who are also not into sex, but to emotionally seduce somebody first, and mislead them before announcing "I can't have sex" is both childish and cruel.

[SisyphusRedeemed]

@Viracocha88 "Why is it that they should be expected to make such a sacrifice?"

It's not that they're EXPECTED to, it's that it's reasonable to ASK. If they refuse, then so be it. But Dan seems to suggest that someone who can't deal with sex shouldn't even consider a relationship with someone who wants sex. Sex is an important aspect of compatibility, but it's not the only one.

"to emotionally seduce somebody first, and mislead"

Me thinks you doth protest too much. I never condoned deception.

[dboles27]

@SisyphusRedeemed so somebody has to suffer through a miserable and sexless relationship just because their partner's hang-ups are unfair? do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?

[SisyphusRedeemed]

@dboles27 Relationships are about sacrifice. That's part of what makes the commitment mean something. If we never had to sacrifice for the people we love, then how do we know we're not just in it for ourselves, rather than because we really care about their well being? So no, I don't think it's ridiculous to say that people have to sometimes give up thing they care about, including sex, for the sake of other people. I'm not saying we're OBLIGED to do that, but it's not an unreasonable request.

[dboles27]

@SisyphusRedeemed relationships should be about compromise, not sacrifice. if someone has a vested interest in sex, should they sacrifice it completely for the other person? no. it actually is a totally unreasonable request to ask that somebody give up something they love ENTIRELY. this world is full of people with varying proclivities, which is precisely dan's point. if you don't like sex, or can't deal with it, find someone who feels the same, or is willing to help you work through it.

[SisyphusRedeemed]

@dboles27 "if you don't like sex, or can't deal with it, find someone who... is willing to help you work through it."

Of course, that's perfectly compatible with what I'm saying. But the only way to find out if someone is willing to help you work through it is to get to know them, open up to them and let them decide if they are willing. I got the sense from Dan that he thought getting to the point in a relationship where such a decision could be made was cruel to the other party.

[dboles27]

@SisyphusRedeemed i'm not exactly sure where you think that point "where such a decision could be made" is. if two people are comfortable enough with each other to try sex, they should be comfortable enough to discuss problems around it. does that mean they reveal every little detail? no. but the guy in question: HE initiated multiple times, and kept backing off. someone that hung up really has no business getting romantically involved, and then be unwilling to reveal what's really going on

[Dustrick]

I was that person to my boyfriend for a good couple of years and it did tear him up. We've had at least 5 different occasions where we should have not been together but we still love each other so much that things have changed for the better. HOORAY for 5 years together Jan 14, 2011!

[Ryushai]

I'm betting he had a conservative, religious background...

[Bastardozer]

@Ryushai he's already admitted something of that nature. on multiple occasions in fact.

[Ryushai]

@Bastardozer The guy in the question.

[ohioasp]

@Ryushai How can you tell?

[Ryushai]

@ohioasp Conservative, religious homes usually don't have a very positive attitude when it comes to sex. It creates issues especially when people finally get to puberty and feel like they're bad for wanting or having sex.

[ohioasp]

@Ryushai Ive never really gotten the feeling that Dan is negative about sex...

[Ryushai]

@ohioasp I'm talking about the guy in the question...

[ohioasp]

@Ryushai OH that clears things up. I thought you were talking about Dan. Sorry, there.

[Neebulosus]

firm but fair

[Riskyotter]

WHY DOES HE MAKE SO MUCH SENSE??

[Bastardozer]

@Riskyotter always