Hymn to Rube Goldberg

[snatch1466]

You're great Swaim. Love your stuff on Cracked and this is sweet too. I've now discovered Ratatat as well. Was that "grok" I heard in there? Nice.

[Serafymable]

funny

knows how to make a video look like it's worth a damn

can rap

can write

you going to leave any talent for the rest of us shlubs, Mike?

[321rebelman]

Michael, why are you a cunt pickle?

[countach27]

Michael, why are you so hot?

[TheBunnybeater]

When I first saw this rap, I never for a moment imagined it would be featured on Forbes. That's awesome in a direction I never knew existed.

[NoobJJon]

I want to see you rap more. I really liked the video where you had DOB beatboxing for you.

[TheTimidThief]

Is it a shame that I recognise this room from The Startup?

[TheRealAndrewJackson]

Oh, Michael Swaim, stop trying to seduce me.

[weregecko]

Swaim's looking Puffy because he eats rappers for breakfast, yo

[PigeonPoisoner]

Dude, you need to put up some videos of your rapping on Cracked!

[ThornBjorn]

Please never rap again.

[IKoNaXI]

@ThornBjorn Dood for someone who doesnt devote an awful lot of time to his rapping, swain is killin it, damn he's versatile, all he needs to work on is his flow and it'd be ballin out of control, id like to see u actually TRY and even come close.

[ThornBjorn]

@IKoNaXI Well i dont think i would do a better job, and thats why i dont put up youtube videos of my poor rapping attempts.

[alexicon89]

Im impressed dude,

Never thought you could rap and its actually GOOD man.

IMO you can add writing/rapping songs on your Curriculum vitae.

Srsly this is good :P

[alexicon89]

Dude, this is actually really good.

I'd prefer to listen to this then other rap thats on TV but then again thats shit and i'd rather shove my cock up a macgyvered 70s blender.

[DoomBass]

What expression should your face be making in the tattoo I get of you?



[Shanky]

Who's the disgusting blimp that's pretending to be Swaim?

[Zootsax]

Can your rapper name be "Saltine"? 'Cause you the whitest cracker I know.

[badger616]

He's gone mad with Aspergers!

[hipser]

You disappear for a year. Now this. Explain your life to me.

[michaelswaim]

@hipser Please visit "Cracked.com" posthaste and click on the "Video" tab. Look for my face! Click on something!

[hipser]

@michaelswaim Yeah yeah I know, you're extremely popular.. I just happen to be a fanatical follower of your personal youtube account. I wish you posted more private projects like this!

P.S. squee

[IKoNaXI]

@michaelswaim dood, the articles on cracked are usually more miss than hit but your shit never fails to impress.

[Fenrisaconite]

Oh Swaim <3

[redleader43]

Swiam-a-licious !

[foodiedave]

If I were gay, I'd totally put it in your butt, Swaim. Also, sweet lid, tubby!

[lauramitrea]

On a scale of one to demigod - you're right up there with the man they call Jayne.

[PenguinForTheWin]

That makes a lot more sense, thanks for clarifying :D

[JimHxn]

Any chance of an album? Very enjoyable listening!

[PenguinForTheWin]

Damn, I missed out on the "aww heck, another ace? pardon me" line from my copy paste :(

[Larwick]

Well this was surprising.

[chaoticjesus]

bout time you uploaded something to this channel

[badcloud56]

you rocked that on so many levels

[PenguinForTheWin]

Sorry about all the posts, Youtube comments aren't exactly setup for complex verses, I could only get about half a verse in with the allotted characters while still retaining the format.

Was a few parts I just couldn't quite make out, but I think I got most of it down

[michaelswaim]

@PenguinForTheWin That's pretty much it, yeah!

[PenguinForTheWin]

When I'm seein' red

Theres no better way to settle a vendetta

Than with weapons I get outta my head

Let it be said there's an armory thats a part of me

Tone poem flowin' through these bones and arteries

[PenguinForTheWin]

This shit was never written down, are you startled B?

I ain't a scrivener so don't call me Bartleby

Just cut the deck so I can up and check what my next card'll be

[PenguinForTheWin]

At the risk of seemin' a cretin

I should probably be repeatin'

My brain's made of these babies

So I'm basically cheating

I mean you should know against whom you're competing

[PenguinForTheWin]

A cross between James Dean, ?R Deeks?, and Joss Whedon

It's highly unlikely

If you rhyme-fight me you'll survive

With a deck of fives in your brain, it's a pipe dream

I mean I'll make you regret the day ma taught you to talk

When you see the fancy-schmancy words that I grok

You winning's so illogical they did it to Paul TuSpock

[michaelswaim]

@PenguinForTheWin "R. Deaks" is Roger Deakins, a hero of mine, the end should be "so illogical that it'd appall two Spocks." Get it? Paradox? Two doctor spocks? Ahhh, you're alright.

[RebeckaRowan]

@michaelswaim Alright, ALRIGHT. The transcript I sent you had the Paul TuSpock line in it, but I swear that was after I did my version of it, and it's because it was the only line I couldn't get much of at all, but my GOD it takes a long time to transcribe rap and I was proud and young and didn't know what I was doing... You could, like, you know, put it up if you wanna... (More people'll find your video if there's more words in the description to search for.)

[PenguinForTheWin]

And any Dr. Who tell you that cause a paradox

Hate to be the dude pissin' in your juicebox

But apparently it's impossible to conquer the unstoppable

Obstacle that ya'll now face

The irrisible kid with the implacable grin

With whom you're in an unwinnable race

May I suggest you step back into place

Before I make like a date who can't wait to mate

And go off in your face

[PenguinForTheWin]

?venemous word? reassured the herd with verses that stir even the nerd of verse

Sure I sound like the Swedish Chef - we're both fresh to death

And I never pause for breath

Oh boy, give me a sec

Done more damage on rap tracks than a mad man in a Vietnam flashback

Feeling like a ???

strapped with a matgat with a black mat woolmask

[mjboudx]

???= trapped rat!

[PenguinForTheWin]

@mjboudx that was my original thought, but I really wasn't sure

[PenguinForTheWin]

Pulled down fast like a gasmask on a hazmat suit

He's got a blackjack too

In his knapsack in a trash bag with the cash

That he grabbed stacked stash grabbed, or rather, snatched

From a nearby bank safe's cracked hatch naturally

[PenguinForTheWin]

(what I do, what I do, well)

I grab a mic and I just spill in it

Until I get my fill of flippin' and distillin'

The illest lyrical shit ever condensed and dispensed through a set of tubes for you

[PenguinForTheWin]

By a universe that doesn't care who it hurts

Ooh! it burns -- phosphorous

And God talkin through me off the record to provide an everpresent rebuke

To the words of ill equipped uber hip

Who think they can afford to skip the work and still pick up the tip

[PenguinForTheWin]

See it's called across the ???

Glowin' permanently like a bit of scripture written with a filament

Put down your pens and ball up your syllabus

All of this nervousness falls to the walls of hell where I'm brawlin' Cerberus

And I can call upon the services of my own true soldier

The soul of Rube Goldberg

Together we'll erect a set of ever more complexly

[michaelswaim]

@PenguinForTheWin "See it scrawled across the firmament." I think that's like the only thing you missed.

[PenguinForTheWin]

Interconnected insectoid webs of inflection

That deftly deflect detection with deception

Then swiftly effect an effective dissection

Of the ?next, atop? which three asinine canine heads rest

Such that ??? triplicate is to be expected, yet yes

And so on and etc. etc.

And I'm comin' to get ya

Watch out for infections

And did I mention abstention?

[mintoman9]

Yes please.

[Kuceman]

Mr. Swaim you're an inspiration to us all.

[PenguinForTheWin]

I'm working on typing up the lyrics

[PenguinForTheWin]

Michael Swaim rapping over Ratatat?

confirmed for best thing ever

[TedWillingham]

You had me at grok.

[ashley2424]

Fat Swaim > any version of Gladstone

[kennywmoran]

Nice. Good instrumental. Good delivery. I've had to stay off Cracked since school started (over 3 months clean!) since it's so hard to get any fking work done when you have 400 Cracked tabs open - but you, sir, continue to be a gentleman and a scholar.

[mageodarkness]

thats fucking hot shit right there

[cmyanmar13]

I can't process meaning that fast!

But why u look fat, hmm?

[RichardCano]

Holy shit.

[Inigobalboa]

Greetings from Spain

Funny I was just re-watching some Cracked videos yesterday and today you upload this, cool.

Would it be too much to ask you to put up the lyrics, though? English not being my first language, it gets difficult to follow, so I only concentrated on your face. Not he same thing.

Come on, it's just a cut-and-paste job...

[nightseifer]

Swaim, you are the reason for the internet….or the internet is the reason for you…some fucking thing like that!

[AdamBMorris]

Is the weight gain on purpose?

DO YOU HAVE A MOVIE ROLE?

[Medication102]

RAPE IS WRONG!!!

[dermacyte]

If I share a drink with you someday, I will die happy. ><

[voltage17121712]

I heard Jonah Hill lost weight? What went wrong?

[wylde678]

You truly are a national treasure, Mr. Swaim.

[ohyousoFLY]

hahahaha, YESSSSS. 

[caturday456]

That.... Amazing :0

[PureNasher]

Fucking hell, Swaim.

That was tight.

[killaspongebob666]

I'm serious, You may just be the best rapper out there.

[nomyek200]

GOD

DAAAAAAMN

[leiliana729]

This is perfection r

[AnarchyDom]

Love Ratatat, and the rap fits perfectly.

[NuttyJakKicks]

You seriously need to record an album. I'd buy ten copies.

[deadlymog]

I would say this is the PHAT version of Michael

[JMFG89]

Yes.

[GuruZap]

What happened to the Michael version of Michael?

[nomyek200]

@GuruZap he ate too much and died.

[Monkeyboy92037]

thank you for existing

[blu2penguin]

Michael Swaim raps?

[dkgdbr]

@blu2penguin he doesn't just rap, he IS rap!

[CraigMetalHead]

@blu2penguin All the time, they had to made drugs to stop him from rapping during sketches.

They are called Rapnotsomuch-izacalodexicolane­, or by their street name of Old White Delight.

[calumisdead]

These lyrics aren't written down anywhere? My hot fuck, son.

[Mestitiamortis]

When will we see an album?

[crunchdoggie]

Ah 2:19 . never mind.

...

Good rap!

[crunchdoggie]

You should post lyrics. And I know I only got about half of that rap, but did you mention rube Goldberg at all? 

[michaelswaim]

@crunchdoggie The lyrics aren't written down anywhere and it strikes me as a pain in the ass to type them out, sorry. And yes I did! Towards the end.

[ArtidHoward]

@crunchdoggie Try the Closed Captions option. Or dare I misappropriate the term Closed "Craptions", in this case?

[drifter1818]

I love you more.

[chewthetrain]

I love you.