Halloween and a College Essay, The Perfect Combination

[gremlinn7]

Hey fsc! Very interesting essay. I have quite a lot of editing experience, so I hope I can make some suggestions for extra-fine grammatical polish:

1. "about its entertainment value, that is" -> Dash instead of comma?

2. "could combine, and in doing so" -> Comma should be moved to after "and"

3. "wonderful, new toy" -> Seems better without comma

4. "Although I went to various phases" -> "through" instead of "to"

5. "Yu-Gi-Oh and other toys" -> Comma after "Yu-Gi-Oh"

[cont...]

[gremlinn7]

6. "tiny, colored, plastic pieces" -> Could read better with both commas removed

7. "science and engineering related" -> "science- and engineering-related"

8. "because I did, and still do, have a penchant" -> "because I had (and still have) a penchant"

9. "that such a profession" -> Remove "that"

10. Period after Lincoln parenthetical -> Move to directly after "Douglas"

11. "Middle School" -> "middle school" (also, maybe "middle school age"?)

[cont...]

[gremlinn7]

12. "clothing companies" -> "companies", since "clothes" soon after makes it clear enough?

13. "At the same time that I was erupting" -> "At the age when I was erupting"

14. "joints, thus making them" -> "joints, which makes them" (or "made them" if you want to emphasize it was mainly a problem in the past)

15. "discovering that I couldn't jog" -> Can remove "that"

16. "a medical profession" -> "the medical professions"

17. "plan of becoming" -> "plan to become"

[cont...]

[gremlinn7]

18. "wanted to become a doctor"-> "wanted to be a doctor"

19. "outside of sciences"-> Either "outside of science" or "outside of the sciences"

20. "complicated (at the time)"-> "(at the time) complicated"

21. "as a way to solidify my interest in medicine"-> Maybe "as a means of sampling experience in a medical career"?

22. "everything that I had been hoping"-> Can remove "that"

23. "treatment is appropriate"-> "treatments are appropriate"

24. "reignited, and thus led" -> "reignited, which led"

[UnhappyTestTubeBaby]

Lego is the best toy. Lego and the forest. I used to like building tree forts, makeshift bridges, spears and javelins... that sort of thing. I also liked finding frogs and lizards. Or deer to unleash my dog on (relax, he'd never catch them).

[UnhappyTestTubeBaby]

I didn't think 'disillusioning' was a word. Despite what the dictionary says, I still don't think it sounds right.

Grammar and expression are fine. Structure could perhaps use some tweaking. Its not clear what the essay is about until you get well into it (highlighting your choices or the nature of accidents?). Perhaps the context of the essay will be clear before its read. It might help to talk some specifics about what you're interested in studying. Story about your knees was good.

[UnhappyTestTubeBaby]

I don't quite understand the reasoning behind these essays. What does story telling have to do with science? I've never met I scientist or science student who was very good at composition. Either this type of screening is a futile exercise or standards are very low.

[tattooskin72]

I'm definitely not a writer so I can't get into the whole grammar thing :) But I liked it! I still haven't decided what I really want to be when I grow up and I'm likely half done with my life almost :)

[funsizedchoco]

Thanks!

I'm such a planning freak... it's actually a problem b/c I'll spend more time planning than doing... lol

[anthonzi]

2:40 I believe "disillusion" is being used incorrectly here. "Deluding" is probably what you are looking for.

[funsizedchoco]

YES! haha I knew when I was writing this that I was using the wrong word!

Thanks!

[anthonzi]

I agree with IMWT about the grammar.

[InModiasWeTrust]

Well done, Chelsea... My only suggestion off the cuff would be that you change "...I thought I had second thoughts." to simply "...I had second thoughts." or "...I realized I had second thoughts." Best of luck!

-Modias

[funsizedchoco]

Thanks! Yeah that did sound clunky before

[SirPwn4lot]

All the kids came past my place and I was like F**K off you little brats! I don't have any candy! And they all ran away drying.

Halloween is my favorite holiday lol.

[funsizedchoco]

LOL

We don't get kids here. They'd get either A) run over by a car or B) Eaten by an animal.

Not even kidding lol