The Coming Out Process

[ingramje1969]

Oh and very nicely done video by the way too!

[ingramje1969]

Thank you so much for posting your advice! I think it was very well thought out and it's something that I'll be able to adapt to my own situation someday! I wish I'd have had this advice years ago, since I've still in the closet. Strangely, though, I am only closeted to my family, ALL of my friends are aware of my homosexuality and everyone has been very positive and supportive! I couldn't have asked for anything better in terms of my friends, but my family is going much harder. Thanks you!

[DaMango55]

god dam it why does every hot gay guy remind me of my ex :/

[rondord]

fags have taken over youtube

[mazzeltof1]

Tanks for your vid. I was 16 when I realised that I was gay but it took to 21 before I told it to a friend (third stage as you might say). He is straight but was very understanding. Who has a fiend like him? He is still my best friend, although I have a gay friend too. They get along very well. Hope you're doing allright and thanks for your video. Cheers.

[josh1492]

there is more to you than just your sexuality...you shouldnt let it control your life that much!!! it shouldnt control who yoru friends are and etc

[deliriousweare]

oh my god. you really look like patrick wolf everywhere! hair and lips and eyes and ears and everything. but besides you are a lovely and brave guy, too.

[shadowmanb]

thanks for teaching an old dog new tricks , no pun intended. but i am 45 and stuck in stage 3 or 4 which is sad.

Bryan, USA

[DMMMhelper1of3]

hey thestopthegayhatelist, if you read this, how do you like my work ?

[DMMMhelper1of3]

exualy, it shoud have died before it made this vid

[DMMMhelper1of3]

kadang an ohter uselss vid with an other wastefull person

[DMMMhelper1of3]

wow interesting :s

[eMisark]

I completely skipped step one. I was never confused. The moment I started having dreams about men I knew what that meant.

[gaylolful]

@eMisark I once had a dream about Nightcrawler form X-Men LOL that was some weird SH*T!

[spoonradar]

I came out to my parents on nat'l coming out day this year.

[Bisexual1221]

Does anybody think it would be ok to come out in a text or something like that?

[eMisark]

@Bisexual1221

NO! It's better to have a one-to-one conversation with the person.

[00Yarko]

I really wish I would find it her gay ppl to hang with!!

[chaucer555]

well done...

[GrayDreadBand]

@angloempire What the fuck is your problem? Asshole.

[MarkFox88]

hmmm...I like your pre WWII goody goody look in this video...cute and boyish

[MarkFox88]

hmmm...I like your pre WWII goody goody look in this video...cute and boyish

[ProfessorPwner]

The more people come out, then faster society will accept that it's just as normal as being heterosexual.

Free the minds of the ignorant

[Sublimon67]

brilliant insight, i really enjoyed listening to this.

i still find it ironic that coming out day is my birthday (i guess i had to come out of something :P)

[zaliko]

@Sublimon67 Woo! We have the same birthday. Haha

[cjbrett22]

im gay please call me or txt me id love to chat as im a bit scared about coming out... need some guidance. 07592762390

or add me on facebook. Chris brett

[cctu1]

No parents will hate their child but it really depends on the culture and tolerance one's in. As the boy from this video pts out, he's still not trusting the hetero friends- even in D under, when gay tolerance's supposed to be high, gays dont feel reassured as they'll always the minority. From my part of the world, if my boy were gay, he's destined to live a horribly lonely and tragic life - not to mention the hate crime he's going to subject himself to. We reacted badly coz we love our childre

[alive6n6Learning6]

im gay i have a boyfriend and i really do love him but my parents dnt know anything my dads religious my moms a psychologist n im scared as hell lol im hopeing to get emancipated at 16 so i can move out of here and in w my boyfriend n my parents will know n i wont need to deal with it cuz hopefully ill b gone

[Heyaitsjohn]

Bad idea. Don't run away without even talking about it. And it's nearly impossible to get emancipated at 16 unless you have a house or apartment, full time job, and a car/license. . . not very likely.

[Rzamortis]

i think im bisexual, because i can connect with some of these steps but not all.

[Heyaitsjohn]

I'm gay, and I never went through Identity confusion, or comparison. It's different for everyone. You're probably not bisexual unless you have equal SEXUAL feelings for both genders. If you only have sexual feelings for one gender (your own) you're gay. Straight if you only have sexual feelings for the opposite gender.

[b28e]

i agree, but i don't believe that that you need to have sexual feelings for both genders EQUALLY. i think that each person is different, and although bisexual people are attracted to both genders, i don't believe it's an equal attraction for both. i think they can have preferences as well.

[Heyaitsjohn]

oh, I totally agree. That was a bad choice of wording on my part.

[elfenliedfan940]

for me i kno im gay and accept it, but im not sure when to tell ppl, especally my dad(very Religieous) and he would kill me if he knew. But my sister would be most indersanding. i think i got like 4 friends who will accept that but im mot ready to tell, but when ever i find a bf thats when im coming out, since ill have him by me to help and something to stride for

[MICKEYMIN2]

Best 5 min. ever!!, on the topic. I really enjoy your 'introspect' ?is that a word, anyway It is now... [self-awarens, +respect, +knowledge, intrapersonal 'knowhow', +humility etc etc] Thanks much. Coming out should definitely be an 'inside job' first! When you're right with you it shows -that's what all people are utlimately attracted to. To anyone, don't wait so long, as I did, that social aniexty/approval eats you. Leaving anger, depres, self-hate & no-one in ur life to come out "to.."

[LAFOF0238]

Well done! Great job.

A Gay Pastor

[2fakee]

who are you wearing?!

[AnastasieBoulay]

Identity Confusion, check

Identity Comparison, check

Identity Tolerance, check

Identity Acceptance, check

Identity Pride, working on it.

Thank you thank you thank you <33

[Thanksgivingpants]

This video helped me, thanks.

[10THINGSROX]

good video, really informative. i think im going into stage 3, although occasionally bits of stage 1 seem to linger. anyway, well done on a cool vid.

[apatcher]

Very good job.

[jimmykirk1]

Perhaps most gay men are miserable because they have to deal with insidious, vile people like you!.

[w3azl]

great read, try to think by your own

[piglarva]

id like to say hetero and proud, but my dads FORCE me to be gay. they hurt me alot.

i have dated boys, but only because i felt pressured into it. and every time i try to look at a man in atraction....my eyes wonder to some cute girl sitting or standing somwhere else. i mean, i know theres nothing wrong with being straight...but i just feel bad that i would diapoint my dads if i told them i liked girls...:( because i dont like men....i only like them as friends.

[rollercoasterking17]

i wish i was like u

[ryebread6790]

/s? sorry your getting buried

[syzygywell]

yer such a troll it isn't even funny.

[stapledhearts]

just tell them

they shouldn't care

most parents wont care about your sexuality

they just want you to be happy

the reason they "force" you (Which I cannot believe any gay person would do)

is because they think you like it

mainly because you don't tell them

don't feel pressured, just tell your dads that you are straight

trust me =]

[kaz254]

What the HELL are you talking about? Coming out is hardly ever that easy. Most parents don't care? I don't know of a many who didn't care. Most did. It shouldn't matter, but it does for some retarded reason and the parents overreact. They take away the computer, internet, cell phone, ground you, stop you from seeing friends, everything. For no reason, just because of what you are. Punishment for being "You.".

[arachnophile01]

i believe its just that we reflect our own familys on the world your parents, or parents of gays you know or have heard of are probably intolerant while the person ur replying to has mostly been exposed to tolerance

[borebox]

I can't remember exactly but realized I was probably gay at about 4 years of age and found myself looking for images of men(underwear catalogs). Did not act on that until I was 13. This was in the 1950's and there was no info-especially at a Catholic School.. Fast forward-at 17 I found out that an older brother was gay. For people who say that their sexuality doesn't define them, those people are heterosexual because in a very large part of the world there are consequences.

[martinarg101]

I came out in 1996 when i was 16 and now i don't even remember I am gay. by the way you're cool and cute :)

[msscott73]

It's official, you're a cool dude!!!

[kidwithacoin]

i really like this. helps me sort things out better, i'm probably between like four and five. i don't want my whole identity to be based on sexual orientation since there is so much more. but good points nonetheless.

[rabbitfish63]

Nice. This inspires me to make a video about my coming out process 20 years on. Ooh, and I can procrastinate all the way until next October for Coming Out Day 2009! Bonus!

[BALHAM65]

Rob , you make a really important point in this video [ actually you make many impotant points ] but when you say it's best to come out when you feel comfortable and not just because you feel you should . I came out when I was 15, in 1979 in Dublin ,Ireland .

I don't and never have regretted it but the fall out from school, and society in general at that time was too much for someone so young and vunerable .You seem like a really intelligent guy , good luck .

[Salocin27]

dude give me a hug. im prity strait but sex is does not define me realy... its only second chacra stuf if u know what i mean.

[mikha1280]

I think this means that I've been stuck in step 4 for some time.

[eddiehitt]

Hey im 18 and gay and found some of what you say in the video true, but I feel like when I accepted I was gay to myself that was the biggest step. Ive been out since Feb 08 and everyone who I know and knows me knows im gay. I am the happiest I have been in a very long time, and who gives a fuck if someone has a problem with you being gay.

[lotionman]

You're really cute. The only other thing that really matters is how much lotion you rub all over your twink body and show it on Youtube.

[heheyeyyeyhehe]

I think that this is really interesting and well researched. However, i feel that the model, though useful, is problematic when describing homosexuality. I believe that human behavior is deeply complex and cannot be explained by simple sets of statements.

It however fills me with joy the work that you have done here to educate and inform people about being gay. Hopefully one day, there will be no need for coming out, there will be no hype about being gay and it will be accepted by all.

[figolettoo]

I'm with you my dear - I love you you are great ! Your voice is very agreable. Your'e e very nice and hansome person, I woul have you as friend as partner ever waht you want....complimments for you viedeo and your clear articulation........lots of love

[pulseofthemaggotgirl]

I think I'm around step 4.. your videos really give me support 8D Thank you!

*subscribes immediately*

[smuzki]

i'm gay and out and proud and all that. 90% of my many friends are hetrosexual though. i've never went through any anti-str8 phase... Maybe there are anti-str8ness materialises in homophobic cultures / societies / neighbourhoods...

[oopure00]

nice vid, this is what i went through:

1- Thought I might be gay, all crushes on men, none on women (14)

2- Thought I was gay (15)

3- Denied being gay and just thought its normal feelings (16)

4- Started noticing I dont fancy girls and just like guys, but thought i was confused (17)

5- Admitted to myself I was gay and started chatting to other gay people online. (18)

6- Started dating my first boyfriend and been together till now (19)

7- Came out to 5 people so far.

xxx

[oopure00]

still 19 :P

[superblooper123]

thanks. this will help me a lot. i think im somewhere between phases 3 and 4.

[visitor9627]

Really sound educational video. Good for you. When people come out they are the ones that have to live and deal with the consequences of that decision. Those reactions aren't always what one may hope for. Where were you people when I was a young man?! Thank goodness for technology and thank you for using it wisely here.

[kensington25]

Brilliant video as always.

[dtiina]

Awesome video. Important stuff!

[DoubleDareLike]

I'm glad you are back and safe, darn robnappers. Another great video.

[loushythewriter]

Great job. Thanks for sharing.

[unrequited2]

Thank you SO much for this video, it's helped me a great deal!

[onevos]

It's nice to see someone put all of the coming out advice into context; I'm sure there's a lot of people out there who could use the wider view.

[sleekcartim]

very well done! i would also include those severely closeted, emotionally crippled, gay bashers in the begining stage

[skearny1]

yes, definitely take the hypothetical response of the parents into consideration if you are stil dependent on them

a friend of mine who is muslim was kicked out of his house :(

[AwesomelyPJ]

Firstly.... Did someone pay the 300 Mars Bars. Secondly... I loved this blog as it was very well informed. Seems like you've done you're research into the psychological process. Did you do some psych subjects at uni? Anyways very interesting blog so I give it 5 stars. PJ.

[robmuch]

I havent done any psych subjects, but have always been very interested in human psychology, so this was a very interesting topic for me

[dawittyone]

Perfect - not much else to say about that...

[ChrisScottATL]

Great post. I def 5th to 6th and I can identify with every stage along the way at some point in my life.

Thanks.

[davl]

Thank you for making me feel "OK" to be where I am. It's a process, I like where I am right now, but am a bit jealous of you & Scotty (being much farther along at a younger age).

You give me hope with your vids.

[coollikeyodais]

Well said

[roocarpal]

I don't feel I'm gay, but I don't have a problem when it comes to feeling that someone of the same sex is hot. I might be bi but for the time being, I'd rather not know.

Loved the vlog as always, can't wait for more

[alaninnh]

The content of your statement was right on target and you did a wonderful job of presenting it.

[OLDS98]

Impressive. It was due to the fact you identified the stages and stated people should not be placed in positions where it will do more harm than good. People should accept who they are and deal with that from that perspective. People should then take on the stages. It is a part of maturing in the community and outside of the community. I am concerned for the youth who have too much to lose initially. The gays of today are afforded more liberties than in the past.

[flaze3]

I love the way you have identified different stages. I don't believe this is ALWAYS the case for ppl coming out, but for someone initially uncomfortable with the idea of coming out it is probably quite accurate.

[robmuch]

I agree that there are exceptions but for many people this sort of process would be a reality, and i hope it helps them

[OneTwoThreeFloor]

You are honestly someone to turn to for you have great advice and a really great message to send out.

You've helped me a great deal.

Thanks =]

[PrestonAlexander]

totally agree with the "come out when you're ready". I have friends that get upset that I haven't come out to my parents just because that means I can say I'm going shopping with friends and do stuff to my hair and blah blah. They care more about me doing things with them, than how i feel. It's quite annoying.

Well thought out concept, but it really hasn't applied to me. Great watch + haircut. :)

[Thisisace]

Can relate to this completely. Thinking about doing a video response.

Btw, thanks to the kidnappers for stealing your shirt ! :-P

[Theophi1us]

Sounds familiar

Good video

[fflybz]

I think Coming Out Day really just reminds individuals that they're living in the closet and that it may be time to come out. No where do I think it's pressuring people. I think it's just a reminder to look at the life that you're living, and that there is a day, meaning that it is important to be yourself in order to have a full happy productive life where you don't have to hide.

[brentbraniff]

Well said and thought out.  I agree with you that it's up to the individual on when he or she should come out. It can be something that a person can struggle with for a long time. I came out when it wasn't so cool to do so and it was not an easy road. But, things are good now and I luckily have a lot of supportive friends and family. Just no boyfriend yet, dang it! Once again, great video!

[tfeems]

Makes so much sense thanks for that.

I'd say I'm stage 4 moving into stage 5.

And while I agree that it is important to come out when you are ready, in my case at least I think I used that as an excuse not to come out for a long time.

I would tell myself I'm not ready and use that crutch to stay in the closet rather than accept myself for who I was and face the consequences of that.

But still great video!

[dafttool]

Can't agree more w/the advice of coming out on your own terms, in your own time. While having a day devoted to coming out is all well & good, one shouldn't feel pressured to do it on any other person's timetable but your own. My fear is that some really young gays may come out too early, threatening their safety at home or even being made homeless. If somebody is in such a family where that's a possibility, then it is better to wait until you are closer to being on your own. There is no rush.

[Tiednbound]

Well thought out ...

[yescandles]

Most definetly the BEST advice I have heard on the topic. There seems to be a majority pushing all people to "come out" immediately, and it can be counterproductive and even traumatic for some. Many people seem to think that their experience (if it has been positive) will be everyone's experience, not taking into account demographics, religous challenges and family differences. "Coming Out" has done serious damage to SOME people on many levels and should be well thought out before deciding.TYVM

[access81]

why is it such a complicated process?

[Jessematheson]

oooooooooh i know brendan everyone is soo connected.

i have never seen the cass model i would love to do a video on it.

good video ive done a few on coming out, i just tell them to make sure they are happy with who they are and they are completly confident in accepting their sexuality.

Jesse <3

[onethousandsteps]

this is a really great video, rob. I had no idea there was a model that defined coming out, but it's totally true; this is exactly the kind of stuff I experienced when I came out and stuff I saw other people experience when they came out as well. I think I am in the sixth stage. I was certainly in the fifth stage for a few years, but I believe I have come to bring the different parts of my life together. thanks for such an informative video :)