Derek & Clive - The Bible 1

[dan27music]

I agree that dogmatism is a problem, not religion per se (ie. those with closed minds).

[dan27music]

Being religious just involves having a set of beliefs - we all hold those - to that extent we are all religious. We are also all entitled to our wrong opinions. As far as fairy tales go, I stick with what I understand. What is so hard to understand about 'love your enemies', 'turn the other cheek', 'do to others as you would be done by' etc...? Much harder to put into practice.

[7ali7]

@dan27music Being religious does not JUST involve having a set of beliefs, and we are not all religious by any means. What prompted you to make that massively sweeping statement without thinking about it first? I don't want an argument I just felt it needed pointing out.

[Professor6871]

This is hilarious because I love it gets the relious sados out there so upset.

[GloucesterAdam]

Never mind, those of us who believe will just smile and turn the other bum cheek... after all, we know that aethiests would never say 'Allah is a c..t.' They'd be dead in seconds flat. All too easy to pick on the nice Christians, go to a Mosque and say that - see how far you get. If you believe in a creator fine, if you don't that's also fine - but nobody has the right to say 'what you believe is wrong.' Screw that, if I want to worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster that is my right in law.

[GloucesterAdam]

Never mind, those of us who believe will just smile and turn the other bum cheek... after all, we know that aethiests would never say 'Allah is a c*nt.' They'd be dead in seconds flat. All too easy to pick on the nice Christians, go to a Mosque and say that - see how far you get. If you believe in a creator fine, if you don't that's also fine - but nobody has the right to say 'what you believe is wrong.' Screw that, if I want to worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster that is my right in law.

[GloucesterAdam]

I believe in God, and even I find this amusing. Religion is the problem - you shouldn't need Management (Priests) or a Board of Directors (Bishops and Cardinals) to speak to God - just go to him directly. It's far too easy to knock people who have a faith, but riddle me this...why is there order, form and design in everything, and science still can't give a credible answer. As for sheeple religion, it's more sheeple-like to be aethiest and follow what they say - it takes guts to be different.

[GloucesterAdam]

@GloucesterAdam Also (and YouTube will have a sob for me posting this) I'd love to see one of the Godknockers say that Allah is a c--t to a Muslim, and see how far he/she gets. All too easy to pick on the nice Christians what turn the other cheek, if you fancy a stiffer challenge head to the Mosque and open your gobs. If you believe in a creator then fine, if not that's fine. Just accept that people have the right to believe in what they want - even flying jelly babies or spaghetti monsters!

[ttasi7]

as Jerry Sadowitz put it, like sweary poetry.

[sjtucker2002]

Gods a cunt look at all the death destruction and the cunt is all knowing made the world in 7 days ad a wank farted and poof the moon shot out of es arse.What a cunt!!!!

[shitty1966]

It has been recorded that jesus was the sun of god and the salvation of all the CHRISTians the one true prophet. He will save all that are holy when judgement day comes.

Hang on! wait!

Sorry.

JESUS WAS A CUNT!!!!

NObody likes a show off. ooo look at me i am walking on water. Prat! oooo look at me water in to whine. wanker!

fuck ,i cant get myself off this wood cause i've got the HORN

[vivascargill]

i a rc and i love derek and clive!!

[geffel]

If he was alive he was certainly a cunt. Like god.

[Zed1967]

I think Jesus was a cunt as well. :)

[Professor6871]

@northkent61 I second that. I wish they were still here so they could expose this Islamic shit.

[MonkeyMagic88]

a long drawn out death from liver damage... nice one idiot !

[llawfhionn]

While Derek and Clive don't seem to have a grasp of orthodox theology (Jesus is supposed to be simultaneously human and divine), I still find this funny. The real blasphemers are the people who claim to be following Christ when they commit crimes in his name.

[Alimantado91]

This sketch led me to undertake a deep and close reading of the King James Bible and aside from the obvious contradictions and errors in translation I can safely conclude that it is 100% the word of God.

[chunkyfecalbreakfast]

@Alimantado91 but most of it was supposedly written by disciples, are they gods then?

[Alimantado91]

@chunkyfecalbreakfast

God spoke to me in a dream last night. He said "tell chunkyfecalbreakfast to to STOP BEING A FUCKING SMART ARSE AND START PRAYING FOR HIS SALVATION"

[chunkyfecalbreakfast]

@Alimantado91 and make sure you give the priest a load of your cash so he has more time to spend on raping little boys. Religion is a business and a means to control the populace, nothing more. Why do you think there are so many of them?

[rmilrta]

@Alimantado91 Well, glad we've got that sorted then.

[dan27music]

..that somehow logic had become divorced from emotion and spirit at the time of Plato.

[dan27music]

I think my view of logic as something quite dry is supported by remarks I believe can be attributed to Wittgenstein, who it seems to me argued that modern philosophy was really just a dry word game. I think it was Herbert Read who said that 'Western Philosophy is footnotes to Plato'. So this dryness in logical thinking can arguably be dated right back to Plato.

In Robert Pirsig's novel 'Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance' I seem to remember a similar point being put forward...

[dan27music]

So worldly wisdom and Godly wisdom are different. Worldly wisdom merely seeks to gain worldly objectives. Godly wisdom seeks to gain divine objectives.

Conventionally, logic is considered as something quite dry, independent of emotion or heart. In my view, the logic of the bible is more all-encompassing. It is not dry intellectual argument. The logic of the bible appeals to the mind, the heart and the spirit, much like the music of JS Bach.

[dan27music]

If the USA are waging a war against terror, they are using terror to wage their war. So the real victor is evil, not good. Jesus says 'turn the other cheek'. That is a very logical way of dealing with evil. If you retaliate against evil with more evil, then evil wins. On the other hand if you refuse to retaliate with evil, then you are in effect retaliating with good. You may lose your life in the process, but then Jesus said 'my kingdom is not of this world'.

[dan27music]

I can understand why people think the Christians are foolish. The bible says that ' the wisdom of God is foolishness to man'.  So you see, biblical wisdom is not the same as worldly wisdom, the opposite in fact, for the bible says 'the meek shall inherit the earth' and yet worldly wisdom says 'the strong shall inherit the earth'. That is what the USA believes by invading Iraq, Afghanistan etc... They believe strength rules, but 'the victors assume the trappings of the loser' Norman Mailer

[dan27music]

I don't know a great deal about Peter Cook. The artistic output of Bach, Mozart and Beethoven has stood the test of time, still appealing 300 hundred years or so later. Will Peter Cook's artistic output endure for the same length of time? I'm not so sure. I seem to remember reading that he was an alcoholic and smoker who died of liver disease. It seems to me that in his later years he was lost. Jesus came to seek and save the lost.

(correction: mispelled 'their musical output' below)

[dan27music]

According to my dictionary, 'idiot' mean 'a person with extreme mental retardation, or a foolish and senseless person'.

Do you play a musical instrument at all. Have you heard of JS Bach, Mozart or Beethoven? Is there musical output the product of idiots? These 3 composers were all baptised Christians and much of their music was written for the glory of God.

[dan27music]

Also, I was taught that 'i' comes before 'e' except after 'c'. If I am a Christian, then at least I'm a Christian idiot who can spell.

Good day to you sir

[dan27music]

Elsewhere in the bible it says that 'God is love'. So by deduction, if I value logic then I also value love.

Moreover, if Christians are what you claim them to be, then I would be interested in a logical explanation to support this claim, otherwise it is just opinion, and opinion does not necessarily have anything to do with logic and reason, but rather illogic, unreason, prejudice and hate.

[Professor6871]

@dan27music Their opinion Christians and Muslims that is, have no basis in logic or reality whatsoever. If you believe in fairy stories that have been peddled for 2 thousand years but still believe in them as truth is frankly ridiculous. One of the dictionary definitions for being a Christian should be someone who's illogical, prejudiced and whose easily gullible.

[dan27music]

@Professor6871 On what basis do you call yourself a professor apart from the fact that you have the temerity to profess ignorance? First of all you class Christians and Muslims together in spite of the fact that, in many areas of the world, the two are at war with one another. That is illogical. What is logic, what is reality? How do you know your reality isn't just an illusion? How many fairy tales do you know that have been peddled for 2 thousand years?

[dan27music]

@Professor6871 Isn't it logical to suspect that if a fairy tale is still peddled for 2 thousand years, it must have some weight behind it. Did you know that 'the Word' of God derives from the Greek 'Logos', which I presume is the basis for your word 'logic. So there is nothing illogical about 'the Word', it is logic itself. Your logic is devoid of some components, as you will find out as the protests continue to escalate throughout the world against the greed and corruption of mankind.

[Professor6871]

@dan27music Yes but if you believe that the fairy tale was fact and not fiction then that's a totally different thing isn't it. The Brother's Grime fairy tales have weight behind them but they didn't happen in the real world. The word God itself must be hypocritical because something that doesn't exist is termed logica in you view. The Greeks believed in a pantheon of Gods not just in one when that word was invented. Read Homer's The Iliad if you don't believe me.

[dan27music]

@Professor6871 Please tell me what logic is? If you hit me in the face, is it logical for me to hit you back? Is that logical? Or is it logical for me to forgive you and love you? The answer to that question will determine whether you are a Christian or a Muslim.

[Professor6871]

@dan27music Logic means accepting there's no God or afterlife. To believe in things that goes against the laws of science is not logical its just plan daft. That you believe in what Marx's famously termed the opiate of the masses that religion is. I don't give toss if you love me, hate me or you forgive me. You religious people are so simple minded you let anybody walk all over you.

[Professor6871]

@dan27music Oh shut up and go back to your wakos in your church. Mind you I do love to wind people like up that have no sense of humour or common sense.

[dan27music]

@Professor6871 What nonsense! Show me the dictionary definition you refer to (other than that found in the Heathen's Concise Dictionary). One of the characterisitics of prejudice is intolerance of other's opinions and beliefs. In my opinion, you show intolerance towards others beliefs in the opinion you hold of Christians, and Muslims. The fact that you consider your opinions to be the truth is frankly ridiculous. Your opinions are also, illogical, prejudiced,

[Professor6871]

@dan27music Your intolerant that I don't believe in an abstract being that you can't see or hear. Did you expect me just to sit there and let you religious people waffle on with your nonsense and not answer back? The fact you consider your opinions to be the truth is frankly ridiculous. More so because you have no evidence to back them up whatsoever. Your opinions are illogical and prejudiced. I can't wait for the day when Christianity and Islam is no more than a foot note in history book.

[dan27music]

@Professor6871 you are also very gullible - don't believe everything your friends tell you, or what you read in the Daily Mail, try coming up with some original thoughts for a change,

[dan27music]

@dan27music do your own research, start by reading the books upon which you so boldly pass judgement

[Professor6871]

@dan27music All what I've said here on this subject is my original thoughts you patronizing asshole. What you learn as a Christian is from other people isn't it? You believe what your priest or vicar tells you or book that's 2000 years old isn't that gullible. Atheists think for themselves they don't need the gutter press to have opinions. So don't insult my intelligence who the fuck are you to lecture me about being naive?

[dan27music]

So while I don't agree with the way that you express yourself (using forms of expression and insult rooted in uncontrolled emotions, and uncontrolled emotions being contrary to the behaviour andf forms of expression one expects from reasonable and logical people) I agree with your belief in the value of logic. And I hope my logical explanation indicates to you that if I value logic, then I also value 'logos', 'reason', the 'Word' or 'God'.

[dan27music]

Thanks for your interesting reply.

In John 1 it says 'in the beginning was the Word and the Word was God...'. As you may know, the New Testament is translated from Latin. 'Word' is a translation of the latin word 'Logos'. I suspect your word 'logic' and the bible's word 'logos' (also meaning reason) are related.

[dan27music]

Sheep? No. Christians are shepherds, not sheep. It is the non-Christians who are the sheep.

[3ChallengersRE]

@dan27music erm, no, Christians are fucking idiots, and non Christians (Other religeons) are even bigger fucking idiots, and people who beleive in logic, and stuff that could be true, are great

[dan27music]

'Christians may be wrong, but all the rest are bores' CS Lewis

'Love your enemies' - what is gullible about believing in the wisdom of that command, or 'blessed are the peacemakers'? So what are the principles that guide your conduct and lives? Please tell me? (Obviously one of them is to go round insulting people).

I didn't realise Pete and Dud did these fairly tasteless videos - they must have struggling for material. Perhaps a little prayer may have helped.

[jonno52]

Why WASN'T IT FUCKING DOWN?

[BENJIMANBREEG33]

I feel sorry for Dudley, Peter Cook was one of those guys that can say anything, and you can't stop laughing. Both funny cunts.

[BENJIMANBREEG33]

And if he did have a piss, why wasn't it mentioned?

[BIBLEisMARKofBEAST]

The BIBLE is the MARK of the BEAST! Constantine (1st beast) legalized Christianity and had 50 bibles compiled. King James, homo (2nd beast) 666 # of a man, born 1566, 6th of Scotland, authorized 66 book bible, image of God's word, carried in your hand, memorized in your head, made to speak (the bible says) and is used as an object of worship. Your faith will fail.

[HCOUTinot]

"he could be wanking himself silly" hahahaha

[glenn41062]

BLASPHEMERS! lol

[EilishMR]

id love to hear there take on modern day muslims haha

[Craptron2000]

@EilishMR Mohomad had the 'orn for 9 year olds.

[Kyletb06]

@Craptron2000 lmfao

[doyleyisgod]

40 years ahead of their time, pure genius, still makes me laugh out loud, bollocks to all religion's, their all dumb f**king idiots.

[dan27music]

@doyleyisgod , in reference to your above remark, firstly it doesn't make grammatical sense. 'B......ks to all religion's,' is not grammatically correct. Maybe 'B.......ks to all religions,'. 'Their all dumb f.....g idiots' is not correct either. Did you mean 'They are...' or 'They're...'. And then, did you mean 'religions are all idiots' or 'b.....ks are all idiots', neither of which makes sense. Divine or not, the prose of the bible easily outshines yours.

[Flinklehurst]

Fucking hell yeah they know how to speak to the people. Pompous cunts like Dawkins make religion sound good with all their tiresome shit. You wanna sell atheism, you tell it like it fucking is you don't piss on about how philosophically sound you are.

[mikris50]

These recordings were in effect the end of the duo, Moore was brilliant whilst Cook as ever was the case simply bettered him. Moore could indeed push the envelope only for Cook to shread it with increased hilarity. And now, they're both well facking dead, so what was the facking point in all of that! Never made me inclined to wank ever, an I heard it first time out on an LP in a flat full of hippies all wowed out - Cunts!

[MrSueVeneer]

I think he was probably a cunt

[Tosspoet]

two of the best comedians.

[fashionchair]

Ur a fucking idiot....who cares what people think....its derek n clive cheer up n stop being a stupid fucking cunt

[VinnyGerstrokes]

Jesus?... Cunt.

[dan27music]

@VinnyGerstrokes I find the bible a lot more interesting than these rather tedious 'comedy' sketches.

[frase1234]

Who ?  Never heard of him....

[britainnotasia]

your all fucking idiots... god isnt real. its not hard to see that your all so fucking gullible been brought up by gullible people...

[Hypohanable]

@britainnotasia You obviously don't understand humour.....

[dan27music]

@britainnotasia Would I be any less gullible or less of an idiot if I were to believe that 'God isn't real'. Why should I believe you?

[Godlynessinate]

@britainnotasia Actually your atheistic ideals are just as misguided as Christian's.

[burnt62]

@britainnotasia Why call peopel idiots for believing in God ? We are all entitled to our views .. By the way it is not "your" it is "you 're" if you wish to abbreviate. I imagine you went to a crappy inner city school like I did where there was no attention to teaching English properly... just a promotion of the "value" of foreign culture

[02abarks]

@burnt62 people is spelt people not peopel

what did you go to public school or something

ahar har har har har

[burnt62]

@02abarks Nope .LOL !. I deserved that comment .. . As an aside, I only made my point because I get annoyed when people try and offend others for no point. Why ?

[WaltHawtin]

@02abarks .... "ha ha ha" is how it is spelt. Go buy some learnings, you cunt.

[02abarks]

@WaltHawtin well mr "i think im so smart"

there is in fact no definitive spelling for laughter

for example HAHAHA and HAR HAR HAR and HAH HAH HAH

are all pronounced differently as everyone has and individual laughter style

oh and there is no such word as learnings :p

[WaltHawtin]

@02abarks ... oh dear, you missed my irony. And there is a MASSIVE difference between HAH HAH (derisive, often accompanied by snorting) and HAR HAR (pretending to be a pirate). You can spell it how you want, it's a relatively free world, but if you want to 'simulate' genuine humorous laughter for your readers, and not sound like a pretend-pirate, then HA HA HA is the go, my sun. (*Beware* possible deliberate mis-spelling in sentence placed to entrap you again) ; )

[02abarks]

@WaltHawtin (*Beware possible, deliberate spelling of laughter to make it seem more sarcastic {+_+} )

[Professor6871]

@02abarks Yes where they gave them dickey back rides if they were naughty.

[Professor6871]

@burnt62 I believe there's fairies down bottom of my garden but I haven't built a churches or written books telling other people how too run their lives.

[ThatSilasKid]

@britainnotasia i agree that religion is nothing but a story that people believe because we, as human beings, need something to believe in to give us purpose & to believe that life is worth living. It is nothing but a story, if that story makes you a better person, good. I don't need that story to be a better person

i wouldn't exactly say they're "fucking idiots" they are just mis-guided beings.

[Thelistener60]

That was why the police originally when it came out in 1978, confiscated these albums just because of this particular sketch from Derek and Clive. I suppose blasphemy came in somewhere or other.

[10kingstreet]

you know like it said in the bible, that jesus, on the whole, was, fairly nice

[tatsie]

Jesus was probably a bit of a cunt.

[number9scores]

Human below the wrist...a wanker like the rest of us.

[ashleyd141414]

Jesus on the whole was fairly nice, do you think that was true?

[Thelistener60]

No he was a cunt.

[moodyblue1964]

Wow they really did get close to the edge and i remember at the time at being a bit taken aback at the subject matter, maybe the religious nutters never got to hear this.

Just a shame they are not around to poke fun at Islam.

[Titanlord168]

their dead?!

[10kingstreet]

yep cook 95 moore 02 i think moore had some degenerative disease

cook drank himself to death he had a gastro-something hemorroage (how in hell do you spell that)

such a bleeding shame too

[chrishove123]

10kingstreet

It's spelt hemmorrhage

such a BLEEDING shame too lol Great bit of irony.

[gingergingerginger1]

Haemorrhage*

[OrpheusIsThe1]

@gingergingerginger1 irony my dear chap fucking cuntish irony HA HA you don't get it obviously.

[Thelistener60]

God that's perceptive of you.

[Thelistener60]

I wish there were here then they would be able to poke fun at it?

[DarkAndTriumphant]

Ahahaha nice, you cunt.

[elmlodgerecords]

pete's aviators and dud's collars give me the fucking horn.

you cuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnttttt

[furQ]

ahahaha

cheers for the videos lukertweek...

... you CUNT!

[brandonbarrybeard]

Ha ha ha ha ha I actually belive this about God..

[YellowTissueBox]

these guys are so great, i love how they take something as silly as christianity and just tear it apart with there perfect humour! thank GOD for dereck and clive!

[miggysama28]

Not take up thy bed and walk!

"He just said it in hebrew" HAHA

[ExPeRiNcEiSeVRyFiNg]

Wanking him self silly

[bigboxbobby2]

if he didnt get the horn - he wasnt human was he? NUFF SAID!!

[pix042]

"some cunt who's probably quite happy begging..." Classic!

[Thelistener60]

'Take up your bed and walk' what he meant to say was where's the nearest lavy I'm dying for piss.' Brilliant stuff!

[scraperTSB]

they both got re-incarnated as Hamsters

[LuckyLukarse1981]

By the sounds of it, pearly gates were the least of their worries, what with all the wanking going on I am sure they could have made their own :-D

Christians are people who have not read the BuyBull close enough...

[t14cjg]

the best is watching dudley trying not to laugh

[54spiritedwill54]

lol "i bet he has the Horn bit" xD

[riz2007]

I think he was probably a cunt!!!!! It never says jesus has athletes foot??!! FFFUCKIN BRILLIANT!

[JNRbamyai]

brilliant and so true as well

i love these 2 comedy genious at its utmost

[theocean1973]

Are we to assume that Jesus, throughout his brief life, never had a piss? And if-, if he did have a piss, why wasn't it fucking reported? Did he have a crap, why wasn't it down? Why didn't Paul say, "And Jesus went into the temple, had a piss, had a crap, wiped his arse with the money-changers," and, er, put in all the stuff which would make him human instead of all this shit about saying, "Take up thy bed and walk," to some cunt who's probably perfectly happy begging?

[Abknorm]

dreadful stuff great

[flappospammo]

derek and clive fucking cunting genius's ( is that a cunting word ? ?) !!!

peter cook = genius

dudley moore = genius

nuff said

[Mintsauce27]

ive heard it again in THE EXORCIST

"your cunting daughter"

so yeah now its a word :)

[jimbomcbagins79]

Doss anyone know the one where dudley said there going to burn in heaven.... that was well funny lol ???

[micktaylorbrighton]

it's at the end of the 'Guinness Book of records' vid

[Merlin851526]

Ahh the gift of laughter,fantastic.Masters of their craft.

[simonkee77hotmail]

"No, I think he was probably a cunt" LOL

[simonkee77hotmail]

"No, I think he was probably a cunt" Fucking funny! "The human bit had the horn" LOL

[Johnny1lap]

lol "i bet he has the Horn bit" hahaha