thanks for sharing. it's a great insight to my own feelings and helps put perspective on how I feel about myself becoming someone I'm not...by that I mean I'm becoming who I am on the inside... on the outside. I appreciate sharing your feelings and experiences.
I welcome the final goodbye to my former self. Noit that I especially disliked him but he was then and Susie is now if that makes any sense whatsoever.
I'm torn though because from my perspective I can finally be the way I used to be. However, my family and friends connect my male image with my personality (all of it from childhood through my teens). It's so hard explaining to them that I feel this way about myself and knowing what I have to do. I feel guilty because, even though I understand that at the most fundamental level I'm the same, the people I love view "me" as the person they have seen for the past 19yrs. It's terrible. :(
I'm not very far along yet. Still in therapy actually. This is what I'm having the most trouble with. I have always been the real me. My gender dysphoria has changed me unfortunately before therapy I was becoming more and more angry, depressed, and introverted. My mom would ask me, "what happened to the outgoing & happy little boy she used to know". I would tell her he is trapped but before I came out that was all I could say.
This was posted a year ago, but gee, what a heartfelt message from urself to urself. I welled up with tears cos I could relate 2 u as exactly this is going 2 happen 2 me. Some friends will not b joining me on my journey & I will miss them. & yes, he has got me thru a lot of shit in my life & hung in there. It's a pity that he, who IS a good person has 2 die so that I may survive. Oh God, I have a lump in my throat now just thinking about it.
You know I always wondered that about transexuals. If they missed their old selves. I like girls but I also like boys. Sort of confused at times. Thank you for making this video.
Sigh, I'm slightly speechless...for once. =) All I CAN say is that up to this point I had never fully understood what the only guy that ever even came relatively close to making me wish I could like men meant when he would say "If I could only know what's going through your mind for one brief moment, I would be a better person.". I can't explain the realization in words but I just feel I finally understand what he really meant by that because I feel the same way right now about you. Take care!
I've only come a short way along the transition road (and stalling causing major headaches) but I definitely felt my old self drifting away like a loss. Dunno, I want to be a women, but I dont want to regret or hate or dispise a male past out of repect for myself. When I realised that friends and family could be mourning my old self I was sad, and was probably the reason why I hadnt heard from them, such a shame, I appear different but I'm the same on the inside!
It's almost as if I feel guilty that *he* had to die in order for me to emerge. Like why couldn't I just have split off from him and have him live a life of his own? Like you were saying, sounds crazy, but it's not! He was a good guy!
Amazing- great topic. I'm not nearly as far along this path as you are- and this scares the hell out of me. Is the synthesis of the old me and the me that's coming a myth, a symptom of denial and fear, or is it possible? I've talked about this with my therapist- but it still sticks in my mind. How are you so okay with it all- you blow me away.
Love this video! From about 1:30-on it's sooo true. That's what held me back from it for soooo long. Ironically that was one of the first questions I was asked when I told one of my friends.
wow i never think at that level. it is sad when you think that way but also it may be the death of an old self and the birth of a new so in getting rid of who you were you are creating something new and more true to yourself. man i can't tell if i was making sense or not. this is not my area lol. but ya this is a very sensitive topic lol.
Well the male identity existed as a construct, so I didn't chose anything really. I just let go of that fake person...however I did have understandable attachment to some of the great dynamic relationships I did have.
Very profound thoughts on your part, being a parent myself, if one of my girls were transgendered(is that correct?), I would indeed mourn the person she would have to leave behind to become a new person, at least physically.
"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." -Anatole France
Sometimes I want to re-invent who I am. Not based on gender (however that's been on my mind forever), but as an identity. I'm not happy with the life I've been born into, and with all these decisions that I never made. I want to change my name and move as far away from this life as possible, but I'd have to say goodbye just like you.
I need something to convince me that I'm not who I think I am. If I am not pressured into a rebirth, then I am doomed to imagine its rewards.
I think the problem for us transgender folk is not for us personally to leave the old person behind, at least for me. But the problem comes from the fear, guilt, and doubt put on us by family and friends, society in general. If only other people would agree that yes, you followed the Benjamin Standards, your RLT was a success, etc. and then let us move forward, but instead we are always looking over our shoulder, and becomming miserable in the process when we should be celebrating our rebirth.
I say good riddence to the old self. For me the easiest part of my transition was "letting go." The old me is a distant faded memory and it hasn't been that many years.
I think that is the debate when it comes to being stealthed. If you deny that you were ever anyone else, you lose years of history, experience, friendships etc. I don't think transitioning is a matter of change, more readjustment.
I wish you alot of luck. You really seem sad, I would love to be your friend! You seem to miss your old ones. I think you should be who you have always wanted to become. You seem like a very nice and endearing person. Stop consontrating on the past"you" and make friends who will love you who you are now! You are beautiful, Best of luck!
Well, yes, but . . . personally I had already withdrawn from many friends and family to minimize my need to declaritively transition. Crossing that bridge has produced many long delayed "hellos."
Evidently transitioning is something I haven't experienced. Nonetheless, can't there be more happy reunions than fond fairwells?
Our understanding of who we are changes as we mature as human beings. Obviously some changes such as one's gender run into resistance from societal norms or specific religious faith prohibitions. I have hope that we as a people will be able to transcend the resistance to people changing their gender. I never thought the Berlin wall would come down or that we would have a women or a black man as president. If we can accept gay and lesbian people getting married, I have hope.
What you describe is the journey that mystics go through - the death of the false self..Its a painful but necessary process. It feels like a death but its the liberation of your true self. It may upset a lot of people but you have to find your own inner peace, your happiness. In some way you are going through that process and moving towards love, not away from it. You are courageous.
Soon before I transitioned, I had a dream in which Mum and I were shopping for coffins and I could see my male manifestation in them. This was not frightening at all.
2 weeks ago this did not make sense to me. Now that I have started on my own path it does.
Actually I am thinking of a way to say goodby to Him when She takes over permanently, after He has laid down his burden. I want to make a kind of ritual where my family and friends can say goodby. Some months ago I even came across a good poem to say then.
It saddens me that there are some who do not know how to deal with the new image of a person. Inside we are the same person, it angers me that there are people who can't deal with the change. To me, when someone breaks from knowing me because of transition it's a slap in the face, because in a way it's saying our relationship isn't worth having to make those adjustments for. ...That I'M not worth having to make those adjustments for. But I guess some people can't handle change.
Some people just cannot cope with change. it isn't so much that they don't want to, im sure they would love to stay friends and such, but sometimes things get so complicated people reason that the only way they can deal with it is to leave in order to lower the possible damage done. It would be better than them waiting around and hurting you even more when they do leave...
this has nothing to do with the content of the video, but the lighting in it is wonderful, your skin is really glowing :) really love all your vids, keep it up
On a positive note. Always remember, when you reflect on the past life, You will always have those same wonderful qualities inside that you had while wearing the mask. :)
I think certain events change us into who we are in the now. It's used to prepare you for the things you know about now, but are afraid of in the future. Everyone changes here and there... some sacrifice a bit of themselves here and there, but in the end we are all just trying to make it in this crazy world.
Transgender, not transgender, cross dresser, gay, lesbian, hetero...How cares? The word is so fucked up I still wonder why does it matter so much? The reality is that in average people are limited, obtuse, prejudiced and we need to understand that... Happiness is in little details on day by day living and it's a challenge to calibrate reality properly. Sometimes we distort the reality and suffer more than necessary.
You're so pretty and sometimes look so sad... why? There are very serious suffering out here you know? I consider you a beautiful woman so never look down, stay healthy, and be clever (as you already are). I'm sure a lot of people care and want you to be well and happy.
Sorry about my English, but I use to watch your videos and I felt that I should tell you some words. beijos!
Well put. Yes, it is "identity death" so to speak, but it's also self preservation. I look at it as for me to exist, he had to come to an end of his path. He had to "die" so that I could live. His existence was miserable, full of being the target of prejudice and hatred. For me to be able to live without those problems, he had to be excised from anything having to do with me. I think the only picture of him that is still around is one that my mother kept.
hey there charlotte, i just want to say i am glad you are here. i hope for you abundant peace and comfort, hope and joy and more love and laughter than you can imagine. life's road isn't always easy, but it's worth it. thanks for sharing yourself. it takes courage to show our true selves, and you do that daily. take care. ciao for now.
I understand, though im not transgender. I sonetimes miss the person that i was when i was younger. Even though my gender hasnt changed i am ultimatly a diffrent person. I know it isnt such a big change as yours but i do understand what you mean completely.
i can definitely identify with this subject. even if boy me was torture in a way, i don't hate him and he kept me safe for a long time. i can understand why people miss him. wonderful video babe.
Thanks hun. Now if people would stop completely misunderstanding this video and defining it as doubt, which it is not, I would be all set. I mean to me it's pretty cut and dry.
i dont think its doubt at all if it were doubt youd say i give up and feel very uncomfortable in this body... but your charlotte and we support you whole heartedly in that i always have a space in my heart for you charlotte your an idol not in a plastic seance i mean as a real person...
well i think it's the sort of thing where you can't see it 'til you get there. at some point they'll have collected enough of the pieces of that particular puzzle and your words will smack them in the face. =]
everything if there wasnt a me as mr s qzyw and there is someone there now then there is not anyone to say goodbye to... you cant say good bye to an empty room
I think this is a very common thought of those who transitioned early, however when you have a long past as someone else, then you are saying goodbye in a way.
if i am allowed to disagree i shall, because whem you know your going to say hello to the person you really are, charlottle, a beautiful person who takes time out of her life to help others and be herself and out herself... well that i feel is probabkly stronger and better than the person hideing you.
i dont mean to be offensive yet i am and i am sorry for this but there is no other way i can think of saying that your really saying hello charlotte. what would i know? im 19 your older than me xx
That's not the point hun. I made many relationships with people and connected with them on a level I don't now. I probably would have gotten engaged and she did have a daughter. To say then that I am not saying goodbye to a life that (while I was miserable) didn't have some great positives would be lying. If I could have transposed who I am now into those experiences then sure, but when I transitioned, I let A LOT of that go. I love myself and my life, but my old life was not horrid.
Given that the "old me" was a terrible lie, no, I don't feel the same grief that my family does. To be honest, it really saddens and angers me the realization that it was never about me, but the goals and aspirations that my family imagined upon me. They are still in the phase of grieving and anger, however.
Charlotte, this is an excellent subject to bring up, as always you do.
we all have issues but i think it would be insulting if anyone compared their problems to something like changing their identity and gender which is on a comletely different scale. If anything i think transgenderd folk seem alot more insightful and we have alot to learn abotu being a human being from you/them. i dont know if any of that makes sense? but i hope everything works out for you
watched a few of your videos now, coming across the transgenrderd society here has just been like wow, everyone (that videos i have seen) seem really interesting, thoughtful, deep and even inspiring. i think its a real shame that people face daily abuse especially about being and wanting to be their selves i dont see why anyone should think anyless of someone else because of it or many other things, its not something i have been through,
So well said. The battle between needing be who we really are and wanting to keep the people we love in our lives is a difficult one. Being ourselves is something that can't be stopped, It wins or we lose. I applaud you for staying true to yourself and others. I will keep you in my prayers knowing that sometimes that truth comes at a difficult price.
why on earth would someone feel anything about a fake self from the past if they had it? if you feel anything for that past self than maybe transition is something not fully right for u
That's not the point of the video. I am extremely happy now and LOVE that I can be myself...that said as much as I hated being a guy, I had some great times and that person did get me far enough where I could transition.
I really connected with you on this I am starting to figure out how to say goodbye to me and accept who i am trying to become its wild to say the least but very emotional but thank you for for the posts they really help me articulate my own feelings gives me perspective so thank you
First of all let me say, what great topics you've chosen recently. I can't imagine the conflict transition brings about. It looks as hard as any major trial I've had in my life. Suggestion. If the 27 yr old man you once new so well had the courage to commit to your change, you should keep him close to your heart. His presence in you is the same as a father's presence in his daughter. As for family, people change for the good sometimes. You're keeping your door open. That's good.
I really wish I'd take the time to read the whole thread before commenting. I sound so phony. Your friends here have the best advise. Lots of great comments.
Gender is a genetic sliding scale. It's hard to define transgender cause everyone is a mix of male female tendencies even if they are heterosexual. Arch types are pretty rare Im not even sure how to define one. How people act is rarely how they feel.
ah, ok i didnt know you were past the stage that you could. In the future it would be great for me to have a surragent, but if it came to it my and my husband would adopt.
btw i started a new gay channel 7 shades of gray, user name 7sog ... check it out, id like to hear your feedback =D
You are in such pain. I wish I could make it better. It is a mourning process, you are right. I want to cry for you! At the same time, I think you are on quite an adventure with the end goal being a very healthy one that you can achieve.
Nono its not that bad. I mourn and I do feel bad that I am in essence forgetting who "he" was, but I am VERY happy with my life. I suppose its more to do with the sadness my family and friends feel than me.
I've thought about this topic for quite a few months and the best answer I have come up with for the future is this, especially for work: " I am sorry but he is no longer here, he has gone away to find himself and is not coming back. I am his replacement. I have been here as long as he has and I have the same knowledge he had. What can I help you with?" Hope this makes sense.
Wonderful vid and topic. I do think it's a more universal experience then many think - so many stories and myths are built exactly on this theme - but we live it out in a more conscious and public way then most. For myself, the relationship between these parts of my life has kept changing, deepening, and growing in ways that I find are more and more interesting, intricate. Hard to explain...and perhaps one of those joys I am finding as I get older.
Its a hard thing to do, for me i just broke down one day & decided to come out, i felt unhappy with myself & than i started killing myself off, the 1st thing to go was stache, i had to let my true self out, i got mixed reaction when i came out. But the most important thing is being comfortable with yourself & your sexuality!, but that person you've been hiding inside all those years, has just been disguised as the person you were born, take a journey to the center of your mind & you will see.
wow you really hit home with this video. You have to be transgendered to know where you are coming from. It's a really hard thing to do and in my case I never let it happen and I have been torn for years. It's not possible to live both lives for a long period of time and be happy and complete. I am so sad most of the time because I did not let myself be one person and now that I am older it's so very hard to do.. I hope that you will find the strenght to become one andfind true happiness. love
I have felt that way. To adopt who I had to be for so- long, and then to allow myself to really live. To really be alive that is the difference. I take parts with me. Compassion, caring, fun.
But it does feel like all of the people who were close have to come to know me again, and as you said, the person they knew no longer exists.
You're right.
Its about saying good bye.
Good bye and thank you - like a good friend who you will never meet face to face.
Have a funeral. Send him off well. Drink at the wake, reminisce about all that was great about him. Know that he'll always be a part of you, because anyone we're close to is a part of us. We learn from them, they shape us. He made you the woman you are through his experiences. Visit his grave occasionally, bring him beautiful flowers in remembrance. Grieve, and let yourself again be shaped, this time not by his presence, but his absence. And set sail for a new world.
who you were in the past does shape who u r now. mourn him honey, make a tiny lot for him in ur yard if u must, but shrug it off. you are who you are now and i think everyone comes to that point where they notice a change on some level.
what doesnt kill u makes u stronger. and i think that really, ur friends and fam just were so used to him that they will never truly forget him. so in a way honey, he did pass, but was reborn into you.
I find it tragic that that so many of us leave one strict gender role for another. Such extreme performance expectations on either side seem deeply problematic. The dichotomy persists; instead of deconstructing a constricting dualism, we solidify it.
Although in many ways I feel pressure to "reject and repudiate" (that's so hot right now) my guy side, I resist by being aware of and actively working against narrow understandings of gender; blurring lines rather than crossing them.
In order to build something new you must remove something old. Just as an old house, with all of it's memories, is torn down to make way for a new one for new memories.
I think we all understand what you're saying and what you're going through.
The problem is who is going to go with you as you tear something down and rebuild? Will they be helpful or will they hinder?
All people change throughout their life.Ideals,character,things you love.Sometimes I think we don't have a choice.But you were meant to be a woman.That's yourlife.I hope I'm not intruding.I'm a Hetero,Bi-curious crossdresser.But I would marry you right now If I could.You have everything someone would want in a LOVED ONE.And I don't think sex has anything to do with it.I wish I was like you. I know it must be hard to deal with this shit.The world would be a better place if they were all like you.
I used to think I was alone in this and have written about it a few times - the seeming "taking of a life" in order to exist as well as loved ones' reactions to such. It's been oddly comforting to hear other people experiencing the same. What started out initially as a love/hate relationship between me and my "other," has eventually become one of respect - respect for the sacrifices he made so I could exist - and keep his picture on my dresser as a reminder.
I was gonna post a vid reply...but I didn't want you think I was a cheese-ball lol....so I'll just say I totally relate to what you're saying and thank you for sharing. You're a peach!
Personally, I feel parts of myself dying all of the time. I think it's a part of life, regardless of what "transition" an individual is going through. Some are certainly on evolving on a grander scale of the evolution of our own humanity, but yeah -- I have said goodbye to many stages of myself, especially over the last couple of years. It's been a very painful process, but there wasn't much choice.
Not sure how much this relates to what you are trying to say, but I felt compelled to reply. :)
I never really saw it as saying goodbye to myself or killing my previous self... I saw it as coming out of my own shell, sort of like my old body was a proverbial cocoon.
thanks for sharing. it's a great insight to my own feelings and helps put perspective on how I feel about myself becoming someone I'm not...by that I mean I'm becoming who I am on the inside... on the outside. I appreciate sharing your feelings and experiences.
HereKittyKittyno1 9 months ago
I realise this is a couple of years ago now but this was pretty dam awesome.
controlfunction 1 year ago
I welcome the final goodbye to my former self. Noit that I especially disliked him but he was then and Susie is now if that makes any sense whatsoever.
Sooosseee 1 year ago
I'm torn though because from my perspective I can finally be the way I used to be. However, my family and friends connect my male image with my personality (all of it from childhood through my teens). It's so hard explaining to them that I feel this way about myself and knowing what I have to do. I feel guilty because, even though I understand that at the most fundamental level I'm the same, the people I love view "me" as the person they have seen for the past 19yrs. It's terrible. :(
SNIDERDC 1 year ago
I'm not very far along yet. Still in therapy actually. This is what I'm having the most trouble with. I have always been the real me. My gender dysphoria has changed me unfortunately before therapy I was becoming more and more angry, depressed, and introverted. My mom would ask me, "what happened to the outgoing & happy little boy she used to know". I would tell her he is trapped but before I came out that was all I could say.
SNIDERDC 1 year ago
Thank you for the inspiration to find my true self. I'm so tired of fighting and was starting to lose hope. You and Erin are life savers :)
existingwithin7286 1 year ago
This was posted a year ago, but gee, what a heartfelt message from urself to urself. I welled up with tears cos I could relate 2 u as exactly this is going 2 happen 2 me. Some friends will not b joining me on my journey & I will miss them. & yes, he has got me thru a lot of shit in my life & hung in there. It's a pity that he, who IS a good person has 2 die so that I may survive. Oh God, I have a lump in my throat now just thinking about it.
A truely beautiful video, but oh so sad.
Rachael
tbear2327 2 years ago
Oh god I'm filling up now... well dealt with karmatic and very moving.
Akkra0 2 years ago
allegories... i eat "his" brain. He wants me to,
he loves me, beein me. He´ll be my undead conserve... and my special effect for singing...
hey... i act. I learned it. Freaks you out guys?
look into my eyes. Im not wasting "him" by forgetting... if i don´t have to...somewhen.
TheMrFizz 2 years ago
You know I always wondered that about transexuals. If they missed their old selves. I like girls but I also like boys. Sort of confused at times. Thank you for making this video.
crazyhotte723 2 years ago
Jennifer Finney Boylan titled her transition memoir "She's Not There." I think if I wrote one it would be titled "I'm Still Here."
sbflash311 2 years ago
This made me cry reflecting on myself
mybruteunconscious 2 years ago
Sigh, I'm slightly speechless...for once. =) All I CAN say is that up to this point I had never fully understood what the only guy that ever even came relatively close to making me wish I could like men meant when he would say "If I could only know what's going through your mind for one brief moment, I would be a better person.". I can't explain the realization in words but I just feel I finally understand what he really meant by that because I feel the same way right now about you. Take care!
vanessanjohnny4ever 3 years ago
I get what you are saying here.
I've only come a short way along the transition road (and stalling causing major headaches) but I definitely felt my old self drifting away like a loss. Dunno, I want to be a women, but I dont want to regret or hate or dispise a male past out of repect for myself. When I realised that friends and family could be mourning my old self I was sad, and was probably the reason why I hadnt heard from them, such a shame, I appear different but I'm the same on the inside!
meshemoo 3 years ago
I most definitely killed the "other". I often refer to the former me as "that guy that I killed".
It was convenient that I survived a suicide attempt & to a great deal had a lot of progress in my transition after it.
PolyTGirl 3 years ago
It's almost as if I feel guilty that *he* had to die in order for me to emerge. Like why couldn't I just have split off from him and have him live a life of his own? Like you were saying, sounds crazy, but it's not! He was a good guy!
dsun89 3 years ago 4
Exactly!
karmatic1110 3 years ago
Amazing- great topic. I'm not nearly as far along this path as you are- and this scares the hell out of me. Is the synthesis of the old me and the me that's coming a myth, a symptom of denial and fear, or is it possible? I've talked about this with my therapist- but it still sticks in my mind. How are you so okay with it all- you blow me away.
ChevalierMalFete 3 years ago
Well I realized that I am the same person and circumstances around me are the only thing that REALLY changed.
karmatic1110 3 years ago
Love this video! From about 1:30-on it's sooo true. That's what held me back from it for soooo long. Ironically that was one of the first questions I was asked when I told one of my friends.
xXSheBldsQkMshnsXx 3 years ago
wow i never think at that level. it is sad when you think that way but also it may be the death of an old self and the birth of a new so in getting rid of who you were you are creating something new and more true to yourself. man i can't tell if i was making sense or not. this is not my area lol. but ya this is a very sensitive topic lol.
hibikime04 3 years ago
Omg you are seriously killing me with these videos Karmie. I'm going to cry and I want to hug you.
Kuzalias 3 years ago
I think you are very beautiful, inside abd out. You will make someone very happy.
I read here that you prefer woman.
What do you look for? (If you don't mind me asking).. Sarah
SweetSarah1984 3 years ago
aww,i wish i knew you personally u seem so genuine.
kariryanisabitch 3 years ago
i know exactly what the both of you are talking about
woooh im not crazy!!!
other people have actually had to choose
one of their multiple identities like me
cheeseit126 3 years ago
Well the male identity existed as a construct, so I didn't chose anything really. I just let go of that fake person...however I did have understandable attachment to some of the great dynamic relationships I did have.
karmatic1110 3 years ago
Very profound thoughts on your part, being a parent myself, if one of my girls were transgendered(is that correct?), I would indeed mourn the person she would have to leave behind to become a new person, at least physically.
rvrwolfen 3 years ago
"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." -Anatole France
rkyb00 3 years ago
your very beautiful
mishsana 3 years ago
would you tell a person what you once were before you slept with them?
aruh27 3 years ago
I would tell them before I KISSED them.. however I date women and so it is less of an issue.
karmatic1110 3 years ago
nice lips
albertjaime33 3 years ago
would you not want to date a guy? or do you prefer women?
stacksovids12 3 years ago
I like women.
karmatic1110 3 years ago
Sometimes I want to re-invent who I am. Not based on gender (however that's been on my mind forever), but as an identity. I'm not happy with the life I've been born into, and with all these decisions that I never made. I want to change my name and move as far away from this life as possible, but I'd have to say goodbye just like you.
I need something to convince me that I'm not who I think I am. If I am not pressured into a rebirth, then I am doomed to imagine its rewards.
AdultGreen 3 years ago
I think the problem for us transgender folk is not for us personally to leave the old person behind, at least for me. But the problem comes from the fear, guilt, and doubt put on us by family and friends, society in general. If only other people would agree that yes, you followed the Benjamin Standards, your RLT was a success, etc. and then let us move forward, but instead we are always looking over our shoulder, and becomming miserable in the process when we should be celebrating our rebirth.
stephee84 3 years ago
I say good riddence to the old self. For me the easiest part of my transition was "letting go." The old me is a distant faded memory and it hasn't been that many years.
stephee84 3 years ago
I understand that feeling! Totally. Its painful losing a part of yourself, even if you are happier afterwards.
Thanks for being open and real.
jojixe 3 years ago
I think that is the debate when it comes to being stealthed. If you deny that you were ever anyone else, you lose years of history, experience, friendships etc. I don't think transitioning is a matter of change, more readjustment.
kingblasphemous 3 years ago
You are killing a person that never was. A facade . Until I did I couldn't claim anything that was mine.
darliegoddess 3 years ago
Rebirth to the New Self,as you now belong to a larger family.....
1948mmm 3 years ago
I wish you alot of luck. You really seem sad, I would love to be your friend! You seem to miss your old ones. I think you should be who you have always wanted to become. You seem like a very nice and endearing person. Stop consontrating on the past"you" and make friends who will love you who you are now! You are beautiful, Best of luck!
elainecammon 3 years ago
Well, yes, but . . . personally I had already withdrawn from many friends and family to minimize my need to declaritively transition. Crossing that bridge has produced many long delayed "hellos."
Evidently transitioning is something I haven't experienced. Nonetheless, can't there be more happy reunions than fond fairwells?
fembrace 3 years ago
Char thank you for vlogging x
mslaerik 3 years ago
Our understanding of who we are changes as we mature as human beings. Obviously some changes such as one's gender run into resistance from societal norms or specific religious faith prohibitions. I have hope that we as a people will be able to transcend the resistance to people changing their gender. I never thought the Berlin wall would come down or that we would have a women or a black man as president. If we can accept gay and lesbian people getting married, I have hope.
sjcyy 3 years ago
What you describe is the journey that mystics go through - the death of the false self..Its a painful but necessary process. It feels like a death but its the liberation of your true self. It may upset a lot of people but you have to find your own inner peace, your happiness. In some way you are going through that process and moving towards love, not away from it. You are courageous.
packamacka 3 years ago 3
The trouble with that is that the true self is difficult to find. :)
Heartwood256 3 years ago
Soon before I transitioned, I had a dream in which Mum and I were shopping for coffins and I could see my male manifestation in them. This was not frightening at all.
nadleehe 3 years ago
Kinda creepy, but in a way
uber-cool...
makes me kinda wish my dreams made any sense...
universalJok3r 3 years ago
2 weeks ago this did not make sense to me. Now that I have started on my own path it does.
Actually I am thinking of a way to say goodby to Him when She takes over permanently, after He has laid down his burden. I want to make a kind of ritual where my family and friends can say goodby. Some months ago I even came across a good poem to say then.
MarcImmeker 3 years ago
It saddens me that there are some who do not know how to deal with the new image of a person. Inside we are the same person, it angers me that there are people who can't deal with the change. To me, when someone breaks from knowing me because of transition it's a slap in the face, because in a way it's saying our relationship isn't worth having to make those adjustments for. ...That I'M not worth having to make those adjustments for. But I guess some people can't handle change.
Androgynistic 3 years ago
I consider that I had more of a greeting than a goodbye. : )
Liam
nofreechange 3 years ago
Touche sir touche :)
karmatic1110 3 years ago
Some people just cannot cope with change. it isn't so much that they don't want to, im sure they would love to stay friends and such, but sometimes things get so complicated people reason that the only way they can deal with it is to leave in order to lower the possible damage done. It would be better than them waiting around and hurting you even more when they do leave...
universalJok3r 3 years ago
this has nothing to do with the content of the video, but the lighting in it is wonderful, your skin is really glowing :) really love all your vids, keep it up
JRUJR 3 years ago
~Hugs~ :)
Staccato26 3 years ago
On a positive note. Always remember, when you reflect on the past life, You will always have those same wonderful qualities inside that you had while wearing the mask. :)
Staccato26 3 years ago
I think certain events change us into who we are in the now. It's used to prepare you for the things you know about now, but are afraid of in the future. Everyone changes here and there... some sacrifice a bit of themselves here and there, but in the end we are all just trying to make it in this crazy world.
Kumitsui 3 years ago
It is not so much a death of the previous you
More like a changing of masks...
We all wear masks, we try to make them to reflect the face behind, but they never do.
The truth is, the face is always changing, and the mask always needs to change in order to keep up.
Think back to when you were a child, you wore a very different mask than you do now.
The world is a stage, and a good player will wear many masks:
from farce to tragedy...
from opening to curtain close...
break a leg...
universalJok3r 3 years ago
Transgender, not transgender, cross dresser, gay, lesbian, hetero...How cares? The word is so fucked up I still wonder why does it matter so much? The reality is that in average people are limited, obtuse, prejudiced and we need to understand that... Happiness is in little details on day by day living and it's a challenge to calibrate reality properly. Sometimes we distort the reality and suffer more than necessary.
beijos!
depa2007 3 years ago
You're so pretty and sometimes look so sad... why? There are very serious suffering out here you know? I consider you a beautiful woman so never look down, stay healthy, and be clever (as you already are). I'm sure a lot of people care and want you to be well and happy.
Sorry about my English, but I use to watch your videos and I felt that I should tell you some words. beijos!
depa2007 3 years ago
Well put. Yes, it is "identity death" so to speak, but it's also self preservation. I look at it as for me to exist, he had to come to an end of his path. He had to "die" so that I could live. His existence was miserable, full of being the target of prejudice and hatred. For me to be able to live without those problems, he had to be excised from anything having to do with me. I think the only picture of him that is still around is one that my mother kept.
edeyn 3 years ago
Thank You charolette for this one. it's very insightful.
yurchardonnay 3 years ago
hey there charlotte, i just want to say i am glad you are here. i hope for you abundant peace and comfort, hope and joy and more love and laughter than you can imagine. life's road isn't always easy, but it's worth it. thanks for sharing yourself. it takes courage to show our true selves, and you do that daily. take care. ciao for now.
*tori*
torigirl35 3 years ago
I understand, though im not transgender. I sonetimes miss the person that i was when i was younger. Even though my gender hasnt changed i am ultimatly a diffrent person. I know it isnt such a big change as yours but i do understand what you mean completely.
x
MissStyk 3 years ago
I cried, Thank you. I look foreword with fear in my hart to being a butterfly.
ZoeHartnell 3 years ago
also sorry for the typos!! Its 2-20am here. :P
highflyerlaura 3 years ago
whoops... looks like I didn't properly post my first comment.... :P
Sorry charlotte... I'll cooment properly again when I'm more awake. :P You already kow my feelings on this topic anyway. :)
highflyerlaura 3 years ago
i can definitely identify with this subject. even if boy me was torture in a way, i don't hate him and he kept me safe for a long time. i can understand why people miss him. wonderful video babe.
shipwrecksilence 3 years ago
Thanks hun. Now if people would stop completely misunderstanding this video and defining it as doubt, which it is not, I would be all set. I mean to me it's pretty cut and dry.
karmatic1110 3 years ago
i dont think its doubt at all if it were doubt youd say i give up and feel very uncomfortable in this body... but your charlotte and we support you whole heartedly in that i always have a space in my heart for you charlotte your an idol not in a plastic seance i mean as a real person...
bouncer160 3 years ago
well i think it's the sort of thing where you can't see it 'til you get there. at some point they'll have collected enough of the pieces of that particular puzzle and your words will smack them in the face. =]
shipwrecksilence 3 years ago
me. the two letters that say i belong. and if you do not feel you belong there was no me.
bouncer160 3 years ago
Huh? What does that have to do with anything?
karmatic1110 3 years ago
everything if there wasnt a me as mr s qzyw and there is someone there now then there is not anyone to say goodbye to... you cant say good bye to an empty room
bouncer160 3 years ago
I think this is a very common thought of those who transitioned early, however when you have a long past as someone else, then you are saying goodbye in a way.
karmatic1110 3 years ago
if i am allowed to disagree i shall, because whem you know your going to say hello to the person you really are, charlottle, a beautiful person who takes time out of her life to help others and be herself and out herself... well that i feel is probabkly stronger and better than the person hideing you.
i dont mean to be offensive yet i am and i am sorry for this but there is no other way i can think of saying that your really saying hello charlotte. what would i know? im 19 your older than me xx
bouncer160 3 years ago
That's not the point hun. I made many relationships with people and connected with them on a level I don't now. I probably would have gotten engaged and she did have a daughter. To say then that I am not saying goodbye to a life that (while I was miserable) didn't have some great positives would be lying. If I could have transposed who I am now into those experiences then sure, but when I transitioned, I let A LOT of that go. I love myself and my life, but my old life was not horrid.
karmatic1110 3 years ago
Given that the "old me" was a terrible lie, no, I don't feel the same grief that my family does. To be honest, it really saddens and angers me the realization that it was never about me, but the goals and aspirations that my family imagined upon me. They are still in the phase of grieving and anger, however.
Charlotte, this is an excellent subject to bring up, as always you do.
blickblocks 3 years ago
I suppose if my family tried to stop me from transitioning I would feet that way, but they gave me a pass to just be me, so yeah. I held myself back.
karmatic1110 3 years ago
we all have issues but i think it would be insulting if anyone compared their problems to something like changing their identity and gender which is on a comletely different scale. If anything i think transgenderd folk seem alot more insightful and we have alot to learn abotu being a human being from you/them. i dont know if any of that makes sense? but i hope everything works out for you
x
dewielou 3 years ago
hey,
watched a few of your videos now, coming across the transgenrderd society here has just been like wow, everyone (that videos i have seen) seem really interesting, thoughtful, deep and even inspiring. i think its a real shame that people face daily abuse especially about being and wanting to be their selves i dont see why anyone should think anyless of someone else because of it or many other things, its not something i have been through,
dewielou 3 years ago
:::HUG::: Dear Charlotte,
So well said. The battle between needing be who we really are and wanting to keep the people we love in our lives is a difficult one. Being ourselves is something that can't be stopped, It wins or we lose. I applaud you for staying true to yourself and others. I will keep you in my prayers knowing that sometimes that truth comes at a difficult price.
Peace and Love,
Diana
hintgiver 3 years ago
why on earth would someone feel anything about a fake self from the past if they had it? if you feel anything for that past self than maybe transition is something not fully right for u
devaloki 3 years ago
That's not the point of the video. I am extremely happy now and LOVE that I can be myself...that said as much as I hated being a guy, I had some great times and that person did get me far enough where I could transition.
karmatic1110 3 years ago
I really connected with you on this I am starting to figure out how to say goodbye to me and accept who i am trying to become its wild to say the least but very emotional but thank you for for the posts they really help me articulate my own feelings gives me perspective so thank you
mexlep101 3 years ago
Sadly true, but your essence remains despite your body now fitting your gender
wammy4bob 3 years ago
First of all let me say, what great topics you've chosen recently. I can't imagine the conflict transition brings about. It looks as hard as any major trial I've had in my life. Suggestion. If the 27 yr old man you once new so well had the courage to commit to your change, you should keep him close to your heart. His presence in you is the same as a father's presence in his daughter. As for family, people change for the good sometimes. You're keeping your door open. That's good.
abucsyob 3 years ago
I really wish I'd take the time to read the whole thread before commenting. I sound so phony. Your friends here have the best advise. Lots of great comments.
abucsyob 3 years ago
No you don't sound phony :)
karmatic1110 3 years ago
Thanks sweetheart. Your as true as the blue skys above us. Take care of yourself.
abucsyob 3 years ago
My sentiments exactly! I just started HRT on April 15, 2008.. So, I know what you mean.. I love your posts
gianni75 3 years ago
Woohoo! Congrats :)
karmatic1110 3 years ago
Gender is a genetic sliding scale. It's hard to define transgender cause everyone is a mix of male female tendencies even if they are heterosexual. Arch types are pretty rare Im not even sure how to define one. How people act is rarely how they feel.
tbgx1 3 years ago
have you thought of freezing your sperm to possibly have a child with a possible future wife?
atomicboyx 3 years ago
Its a little late for that, plus if I can I would rather adopt. I doubt I will though.
karmatic1110 3 years ago
ah, ok i didnt know you were past the stage that you could. In the future it would be great for me to have a surragent, but if it came to it my and my husband would adopt.
btw i started a new gay channel 7 shades of gray, user name 7sog ... check it out, id like to hear your feedback =D
atomicboyx 3 years ago
You are in such pain. I wish I could make it better. It is a mourning process, you are right. I want to cry for you! At the same time, I think you are on quite an adventure with the end goal being a very healthy one that you can achieve.
Rh1no1 3 years ago
Nono its not that bad. I mourn and I do feel bad that I am in essence forgetting who "he" was, but I am VERY happy with my life. I suppose its more to do with the sadness my family and friends feel than me.
karmatic1110 3 years ago
Maybe I was just reading such sadness in your face. In any case, you are a sweetheart and I am totally rooting for you.
(P.S. Forgive the California accent. I think it shows up in my writing sometimes)heh
Rh1no1 3 years ago
Home run!
And you look stunning, too.
miharakamikazi 3 years ago
such an insightful video! very nice, and I agree with bewhizzled, you do look very pretty today (not unlike most days, but today stands out)
teawithrushdie 3 years ago
Thanks hun :)
karmatic1110 3 years ago
I've thought about this topic for quite a few months and the best answer I have come up with for the future is this, especially for work: " I am sorry but he is no longer here, he has gone away to find himself and is not coming back. I am his replacement. I have been here as long as he has and I have the same knowledge he had. What can I help you with?" Hope this makes sense.
Sheila Ann
princesssheila50 3 years ago 2
you look really pretty today :) good vid
bewhizzled 3 years ago
Wonderful vid and topic. I do think it's a more universal experience then many think - so many stories and myths are built exactly on this theme - but we live it out in a more conscious and public way then most. For myself, the relationship between these parts of my life has kept changing, deepening, and growing in ways that I find are more and more interesting, intricate. Hard to explain...and perhaps one of those joys I am finding as I get older.
unmeasuredinstances 3 years ago
not meaning to change the subject, but i mean you really look like you've transitioned very well!!
chad5161 3 years ago 2
You are the greatest... I feel for you, and know exactly where you are coming from. Thanks for being such an inspiration to all of us.
xlisabethx 3 years ago
I am asking myself the same thing. There were great memories.
CP
cp7932 3 years ago
Its a hard thing to do, for me i just broke down one day & decided to come out, i felt unhappy with myself & than i started killing myself off, the 1st thing to go was stache, i had to let my true self out, i got mixed reaction when i came out. But the most important thing is being comfortable with yourself & your sexuality!, but that person you've been hiding inside all those years, has just been disguised as the person you were born, take a journey to the center of your mind & you will see.
sissycd28 3 years ago
wow you really hit home with this video. You have to be transgendered to know where you are coming from. It's a really hard thing to do and in my case I never let it happen and I have been torn for years. It's not possible to live both lives for a long period of time and be happy and complete. I am so sad most of the time because I did not let myself be one person and now that I am older it's so very hard to do.. I hope that you will find the strenght to become one andfind true happiness. love
voguedolll 3 years ago
I have felt that way. To adopt who I had to be for so- long, and then to allow myself to really live. To really be alive that is the difference. I take parts with me. Compassion, caring, fun.
But it does feel like all of the people who were close have to come to know me again, and as you said, the person they knew no longer exists.
You're right.
Its about saying good bye.
Good bye and thank you - like a good friend who you will never meet face to face.
Thank you.
cheeryred 3 years ago
Have a funeral. Send him off well. Drink at the wake, reminisce about all that was great about him. Know that he'll always be a part of you, because anyone we're close to is a part of us. We learn from them, they shape us. He made you the woman you are through his experiences. Visit his grave occasionally, bring him beautiful flowers in remembrance. Grieve, and let yourself again be shaped, this time not by his presence, but his absence. And set sail for a new world.
BriarRoseTv 3 years ago
that is completely understandable.
who you were in the past does shape who u r now. mourn him honey, make a tiny lot for him in ur yard if u must, but shrug it off. you are who you are now and i think everyone comes to that point where they notice a change on some level.
what doesnt kill u makes u stronger. and i think that really, ur friends and fam just were so used to him that they will never truly forget him. so in a way honey, he did pass, but was reborn into you.
theoreo88 3 years ago
Totally.
I find it tragic that that so many of us leave one strict gender role for another. Such extreme performance expectations on either side seem deeply problematic. The dichotomy persists; instead of deconstructing a constricting dualism, we solidify it.
Although in many ways I feel pressure to "reject and repudiate" (that's so hot right now) my guy side, I resist by being aware of and actively working against narrow understandings of gender; blurring lines rather than crossing them.
xTheAshleyMartinx 3 years ago
Yes going from one box directly into another makes NO sense to me at all. The name of the game is to be FREE and happy!
We struggle to break gender boundaries and then beg for our restraints. It's quite odd.
karmatic1110 3 years ago
In order to build something new you must remove something old. Just as an old house, with all of it's memories, is torn down to make way for a new one for new memories.
I think we all understand what you're saying and what you're going through.
The problem is who is going to go with you as you tear something down and rebuild? Will they be helpful or will they hinder?
itspaul70 3 years ago
I felt a loss somewhere in my life, I did not know who that was because I was always used to being me all the time.
However, something was different to make me sad.
I can't really explain clearly.
schildno5 3 years ago
All people change throughout their life.Ideals,character,things you love.Sometimes I think we don't have a choice.But you were meant to be a woman.That's yourlife.I hope I'm not intruding.I'm a Hetero,Bi-curious crossdresser.But I would marry you right now If I could.You have everything someone would want in a LOVED ONE.And I don't think sex has anything to do with it.I wish I was like you. I know it must be hard to deal with this shit.The world would be a better place if they were all like you.
djmtkm111 3 years ago
I used to think I was alone in this and have written about it a few times - the seeming "taking of a life" in order to exist as well as loved ones' reactions to such. It's been oddly comforting to hear other people experiencing the same. What started out initially as a love/hate relationship between me and my "other," has eventually become one of respect - respect for the sacrifices he made so I could exist - and keep his picture on my dresser as a reminder.
riftgirlblog 3 years ago
I was gonna post a vid reply...but I didn't want you think I was a cheese-ball lol....so I'll just say I totally relate to what you're saying and thank you for sharing. You're a peach!
ulaladiva 3 years ago
An apricot.
karmatic1110 3 years ago
Ok I'll budge.....you're an apricot ^^ But not a dried up, dehydrated one though....you're FRESH from the vine lady! hehe ^^ **hugs**
ulaladiva 3 years ago
With a smiley face painted on it?
karmatic1110 3 years ago
SURE ^^ I can paint it on fer ya hehehe
ulaladiva 3 years ago
Personally, I feel parts of myself dying all of the time. I think it's a part of life, regardless of what "transition" an individual is going through. Some are certainly on evolving on a grander scale of the evolution of our own humanity, but yeah -- I have said goodbye to many stages of myself, especially over the last couple of years. It's been a very painful process, but there wasn't much choice.
Not sure how much this relates to what you are trying to say, but I felt compelled to reply. :)
heyitsfey 3 years ago
Actually that applies quite a bit.
karmatic1110 3 years ago
I never really saw it as saying goodbye to myself or killing my previous self... I saw it as coming out of my own shell, sort of like my old body was a proverbial cocoon.
winterwinwin 3 years ago 3
I agree, but I have such a past as a "guy" that it's hard to leave it at that I suppose.
karmatic1110 3 years ago
That makes sense, I can see where you're coming from.
winterwinwin 3 years ago