Cross with Jesus

[itsjustameme]

Southpark has managed to catch some of Jesus' miracles on film:

Water to wine

/watch?v=XnbhGQZXHDk

I couldn't find the loafs & fishes but they did that too

[3161029]

Obviously, you don't understand Christianity at all. We are sinful and need our sins paid for.

God can make the rules because he is God.

[kalsolarUK]

@3161029 Trouble is, most serious christians (mainly the fundamentalists) are too afraid and spineless to mentally challenge the questionable and very dispicable actions and commands of the bible god (especially in the old testament). Too afraid to stand up to the utter barbarity of its teachings and recognize that your own morality is BETTER than his. Too weak, scared, sicophantic and pathetic. Time to wake up from the spell and see the fairy tale for what it is.

[kalsolarUK]

@3161029 Incidentally, a question I always ask of christians is have they read the bible from cover to cover (as I have). So far, in 3 years of asking NOT ONE has been able to say yes. NOT ONE!!! Have you?? My money is on NO like ALLLLLL the others.

[3161029]

@kalsolarUK

I have read the entire bible several times. I have nearly 50% of the new testament memorized.

Since you know the bible, you know that Jesus performed miracles over 100 times and amazed people from a hundred miles around. How much more proof did the people need? Then after raising from the dead and after hundreds of other raising from the dead and showing themselves to people, how much more proof did the people need?

[kalsolarUK]

@3161029 Congratulations on being the 1st christian I've spoken to in 3 yrs that has actually read the entire bible. Sadly it hasn't stopped you from taking as fact the many miracles attributed to Jesus (if he existed) without a SINGLE written account from a SINGLE eyewitness of ANY of them. The word gullible comes to mind. The best you have is the road to domascus vision of Saul/Paul. Even then, there is ZERO way corroborate that supposed event in any way.

[kalsolarUK]

@Scanlon65 Thanks for the comment, very much appreciated.

[1stCainite]

You Really have an Eddy Izzard flow going :)

[aartvegan]

We can all walk on water, just go walk outside on a rainy day.

[fullbloodedvi]

it is not in how it looks visually!!! its HIS POWER ... that no one eyes only ... it works in my life ,,, ourlives unknowing in yours..... He will touch you soon .... all your words .. will humbled you ... his word will works in you... & you will understand how he loves you ... he never had any other deal , but to saved you & me... ... HIS NAME IS JESUS!!! the son of The Living GOD!!!

[1stCainite]

No.

[punkdchick6906]

I will keep you in my prayers.

[kalsolarUK]

thats very kind of you. But remember....god doesnt interfere with free will....so you might just be wasting your time with the prayer thing.

[frozensage]

if jesus died for our sins then why dont we sin more other wise hes death is going to waist.

[kalsolarUK]

lol, good question... however, I don't think theres too much of a lack of sinning going on in the world.

[DisforDubby]

ROFL turn that mouse into a Banzai tree WTF hahahaha

[Brandt761]

Actually, regarding the feeding of the 5000...

South Park had an episode where Jesus had to go up against this magician, so of course, everyone wanted Jesus to do a real trick, so he had them all look away and magickally "created" a huge pile of fish and bread (previously hidden offstage).

[BlackFlames222]

i love your videos lol very funny and also very true

[robindesade]

I had a thought after I watched on the National Geographic channel "Jesus, the Nazarene".

The moneychangers in the temple - they were just providing a service that was needed. People are taught in the bible they have to sacrifice a lamb or a sheep. Some come from far away and have to buy one there. They needed the moneychangers to be properly religious. So what was Jesus so angry about?

He ruined businesses but also hindered proper religious rituals...

[yashatono]

fan-bloody-tastic, as always!

[HappyApostate]

You wrap deep truths in satire and do it brilliantly. I think humorous videos have more power to help dismantle religious delusions than those which are more serious. Religion can't be mandated out, bombed out, reasoned out. None of that has ever worked, nor will it work. But it CAN be laughed at, and thus neutralized. Laughter is the best defence against this mass psychosis. Thanks Kal, for giving biblical insanity a good kick in the hindquarters. Your funny videos shoot holes into lunacy.

[kalsolarUK]

mucho's gracias (not sure I spelt that right, but thankyou!) I think the holes are already there...I just do what I can to draw people's attention to them in an amusing (I hope) way.

[athywren]

Ah, but you see, Jesus HAD to suffer because... umm... well...

...if he hadn't, then we wouldn't have been inspired to use him as an example to spread peace and love around the world, and abolish hatred!

...oh... wait, never mind.

[shoyhoy]

It always struck me as odd that when Jesus healed the soldier's ear in the garden of Getsemanie, no one seems to bat an eye lid, they just carry on and arrest him as if nothing had happened. Great thoughts as always!

[saxmanchiro]

Bible = blood letting

I think god is a vampire since he is so hung up on blood. It's just some water, a few electrolytes, some proteins and some nutrients , then a bunch of cells that help with the oxygen and CO2 bit. Not too sure why this god character likes it so much. I think lymph is a lot more interesting and worthy of some attention.

Good vid Kal.

PS- I miss Agman terribly.

[gagnashdiak]

I just relised from your video Jesus was like Uri Geller or any gipsy fortunteller at the next corner (well, maybe those gipsys sometimes better if you ask me) - when they have to do the performance before a critical, even skeptic audience, suddenly they just can't!

[Darwinsgift]

Come to think of it, what sort of a crap meal is loaves and fish anyway! If you are going to do the miracle meal thing then why not go for the full banquet!

[kalsolarUK]

lol, very good point! This Jesus character is really lacking in the imagination department.

[unperceivable]

i perfer sinbad has giants , women with snake hair that turn you to stone ,clockwork owls it was more realistic then jesus plus i bet between a match between jesus and sinbad ,,sinbad would win without any doubt

[mp9yq9tx]

Whipped and nailed up then dying within a day then raising up to be god again is not a sacrifice. He should have been born with some awful painful disfigurement then as he grew get every disease god had inflicted on mankind and suffer starvation. His death should have been long slow agony of cancer.

[Kulgur]

That's actually a really good point.

A lifetime of disease versus a few nails and a weekend in the sun? That would have been a REAL sacrifice.

Assuming, of course, that it was more than a fairy tale.

[rednecktrucker1969]

great point on the suffering thing, had not thought of that before.

[ToddAllenGates]

Great video: 5 stars. It's yet another example of why the Bible doesn't live up to its hype of being "the greatest story ever told." That Jesus ignores the more obvious solution when confronted with aggressors is like somebody trying to fight a kitchen fire with the weak spray from the sink even though there's a powerful fire extinguisher within reach.

[IRONMANAustralia]

Best video you've done for a while Kal, and a good point.

I mean, Jesus is going around healing lepers and shit anyway, and He can't tell a couple of Pharisees to pick a card?

Then He wants to give us some bullshit about it being against company policy or something?

Okay, then what the fuck was that crap with Moses and the snake staff?

Or is everyone supposed to just believe any fruitcake who waltzes into town, says he's the son of God, and start taking his Torah-flushing advice?

[IRONMANAustralia]

Put yourself in their position.

The human race just got through being punished for the last 4000 years because some chick took advice from a talking fucking snake.

The whole world got flooded and killed almost everybody. And the Jews got a major smiting everytime they looked sideways during the Exodus.

Do you think you're gonna listen to ANYBODY after that shit?

Especially someone telling you it's okay to pluck grain on the Sabbath?

Jesus was lucky to get away with crucifixion.

[kalsolarUK]

some points well made there IRONMAN, now....wheres my notebook? lol.

[Kulgur]

Just a comment: if you want to seem less like Eddie Izzard... talking about painting fingernails is probably not the way to do it.

[MobyDicksWife]

Why would anyone want "to seem less like Eddie Izzard"?? Izzard is a comic genius.

Anyway Kal, once again a brilliant video. I love the out of the box slants you put on things in the bible.

[Paxmax]

yes, gods insatiable bloodlust... incredible!

[robindesade]

Jesus refused to do miracles when asked. There is smth else he refused to do when asked - he had healed, cured some people, even raised somebody from the dead, so sick people come to ask him to cure them - he flatly refuses. Why? (see Theological explanation)

Also, can god suffer? God is perfect, and suffering is far from perfect. So, he must have acted - to teach people, to provide a parable.

Not everybody agrees to have an innocent person suffer for their sins and would have prevented it.

[kalsolarUK]

yes, it does seem bizarre that he's very choosy over who he heals. Maybe its like being famous and signing autographs...you don't want to be stuck there all day curing peoples bunions etc. lol. mind you...I bet it took a hell of a long time to feed the 5000.

[robindesade]

"Bunions", LOL, HaHa.

So, spending a lot of time making sure that some people don't miss one lunch (because he didn't feed ALL the starving for ALL time) is worth more than curing people with leprocy and cripples who come and present themselves, and personally beg you to do that? Also, how did he cure? I think it was "Zap, you are cured!", he didn't perform operations... It takes less time and effort than writing an autograph.

[robindesade]

Why Jesus didn't do any f...ing miracles in order to show that he can perform miracles? Hmm, I know there is a theological explanation (theology can explain EVERYTHING!) - ah, yes - it will interfere with human free will - although how and why?... I don't know.

Why the blood and gore at the end? Simple - to teach people a lesson. They can't talk in a practical language, they either talk in  very abstract language, or they talk in parables. You come with a problem, and they have a ready parable.

[musicgenerator]

if he hadnt suffered, There would have still been Death

[Eldxale]

Why couldn't Jesus be more powerful? His dad created the universe in seven days and all Jesus can do is walk on water. Criss Angel can do that. I guess talent skips a generation.

Or did I get this from a video of yours? I can't remember where I got it from.

[samuelrj]

was this scripted of improvised, cause if it was improvised, thats fucking brilliant

and even if it wasnt, its fucking brilliant, just slightly more fucking brilliant if it was.

[kalsolarUK]

It would have been impractical to totally improvise this one, I had to mentally run though certain parts beforehand to make sure I got it in some sort of order that made sense.

[SuperAtheist]

it's not christian without blood & guts & suffering!

[freethinker3161]

HOLY SHIT, shut off the pain recepters. i have told people just that same point. and they say oh, he had to. i think it's bullshit.

[kalsolarUK]

yes, it does seem like the sensible thing to do...afterall, as long as the public think you're feeling the pain and believe it - surely thats all that counts. I'm sure others must have considered this point too.

[freethinker3161]

i feel like the greatest proof that Jesus was not real was (or was god) is because of things like u just mentioned. why not do things that make sense like do the Bloody Miracle! that would make too much sense.

[amative63]

Kal, there has always been one thing that has bothered me about the loaves and fishes tale. Did they eat the fish raw? How did they cook it, if they were out in the bloody desert?

Wonder if anyone asked, "Is there any chance of some lemon to go with the fish?" With Jesus, replying, "No there bloody well isn't. Now go away before I turn all of your fingernails purple!"

[kalsolarUK]

lol, its a fishy tale in many ways - and I'm surprised that the bible does'nt at least try to describe how this extra food was magically generated by Jesus from the 2 fish and five loaves.

[OccamKant]

I eat raw fish all the time - it's called sushi.

of course, you have to prepare it carefully or else you suffer a risk of cysts.

[nonfictions]

"I wanted a bloody purple one."

 "Oh you day, ay?" *WHACK*

[Brandt761]

Another awesome monologue. I agree it would be a lot better if he'd proven it. Especially since, IMO, they might very well have executed him anyways, at least if the bible is correct on the nature of man.

One question, Kelsolar...do you have a script for these things or do you make them up as you go?

[kalsolarUK]

"do you have a script for these things or do you make them up as you go?"

It depends... I don't write anything down but I do try to script, or mentally organise what I'm going to say before I start. In some cases I'll run through it in my head for a day or two whilst driving or whatever.

This one I came up with yesterday afternoon, so quite a short gestation period in this case, lol.

[Brandt761]

Cool.

[DeletedDelusion]

I love the fingernail thing, just brilliant.

[twelve121]

mint mint mint

[hairyreasoner]

P.S. I love your intro.  Denivish can fuck off.

[denivish]

I don't like the intro, it's pretty useless (and makes you look silly).

[kalsolarUK]

I am silly - so, mission accomplished. To paraphrase something that someone famous once said, "you can please some of the people all of the time and you can please all of the people some of the time. But you can't please all of the people all of the time.

[Panman38]

Nice to see the return of the pun title.

[ChrisJMoor]

I asked my scripture teacher the same question when I was eight or so: 'how DID he feed the 5000, exactly?'. The answer I got was more or less 'well he could do anything, he was God!' Sheesh, my question totally unanswered!

My imagination always had this image of people passing bits of food among themselves, breaking off a peice per person. No matter how many times a peice gets broken off, it stays the same size, almost like an optical illusion. No special effects needed really;)

[HonestDiscussioner]

It is quite funny when you play people as yourself, imaging these biblical characters say "fuck off" and the like.

I do love how religion boasts the ultimate power of thier deity except when a limitation is discovered, then they come up with some inconsistent reason that God had to do it this way, when there is no "had to do it this way" with an omnipotent being.

[kalsolarUK]

yes, it seems that god's imagination is very limited when it comes to certain things, especially when it comes to the rules of atoning for sins.

[SupaAmi]

Good video! You made some good points. However God DOES love blood and guts. And apparantly he needed to suffer and die for our sins so that HE could forgive us for our original sin, that he invented.

How anyone can think religion makes sense is beyond me.

[Brandt761]

by not putting the pieces together...

[whade62000]

Nonono. You see, God gave us free will, which is basically a freedom to commit sin (because he still expects us to act like we didn't have it) and that's why we committed the original sin. Can't blame God for that. You see his love for us was too big to not to give us the freedom to go to Hell. And Hell is to be blamed on Satan who is still at large as we go to press (whether God's love for him too is why he allows this has not been commented on).

[whade62000]

Sheez guys, sarcasm! Stop with the downs and read it again!

OK, I guess it's not easy to realize when someone's being sarkastic because you can't say the kind of stupid shit that someone somewhere is not willing to buy but give the anti bullshit reflex a rest and read before you make a move would you? :P

[Hahayoureretarded]

I saw the sarcasm straight away and if you look now, the down thumb has been taken away. You might even say it's miraculous. Of course I'm not going to claim divinity or anything... ;-)

[whade62000]

Wow, I guess prayers DO get answered, you just have to put them in the right place. And it only took like what, 3 hours? Top that with the putting hands together routine!

[hairyreasoner]

God sent his son on a 3-day nap. Big fucking deal. My kid's going on a 5-day school trip next week.

[kalsolarUK]

lmao, yes...it reminds me of a movie with what seems like a sad ending...but then at the last minute (just like a hollywood production) things all work out nicely.

[hairyreasoner]

I mean seriously...God and Jesus in the donut shop Friday morning. God: "Did you pack your toothbrush?" Jesus (rolling his eyes): "Daaaaad!" God: "OK. OK.  Just asking. Give us a hug. See you Monday."

[smaakjeks]

You are a sinful person, kal. You deserve to be raped by me this summer, and I would have taken the boat over to do it. However, I got a hammer and I whacked my hand to a bloody pulp for you. Now be greatful for my sacrifice and worship me, or I'll rape you anyway.

[smaakjeks]

PS: Love you!

[ImpudentInfidel]

Wouldn't that make exorcisms in movies more entertaining? "The pretty painted fingernails of Christ compel you!"

[ILYIAB]

Feed me Seymore.. Feed me!

[Darwinsgift]

Your mind moves in superior ways!

[kalsolarUK]

lmao..thanks.... however, rarely before 10am. Before then I'm as Zombiefied Lazarus.

[PluralOfEverything]

There's a big error in the description box. You used an apostrophe to make a noun plural.

[kalsolarUK]

Its a miracle...Its fixed! Oops...damn those apostrophies...I mean "It's a miracle it's fixed!" Crap.. are these apostrophies ok? lol.

[RadarKat73080]

God is a vampire! Think about it! Anyone see Dracula 2000? And Judas kissed Jesus in the garden, well the less said about that, the better. I think, he bit him on the neck and turned him into a vampire! Makes sense, rises from the dead after three days, just like a vampire, comes thru a locked door, seen something like that in almost every vampire flick. Pat Robertson is his #1 spokesman, and Pat's a Republican, if that doesn't spell "bloodsucker", what does?

[PluralOfEverything]

That makes a disturbing and amusing amount of sense.

[RadarKat73080]

Thanks! Wish I could take credit for Jesus Christ: Vampire. Weekly World News suggested it about ten years ago. I think the screenwriter for D 2000 read that issue too.

[Brandt761]

No, Jesus is most definitely a Zombie. Caught it from Lazarus...

[samuelrj]

yeah, and he left a trail of zombies, even 2000 years after he died.

sorry, thats a terrible thing to call christians

[Kulgur]

Nope, a terrible thing to call zombies.

[samuelrj]

OH SNAP

[philhellenes]

Yup, still waiting for THAT movie. It would be a cult classic!

[TheCeejPlus]

The Christians will claim that the only way for our sins to be forgiven once and for all was for God's son to die for us. I always stump them by saying, "God can do anything, right? Then, why couldn't he have created another way for our sins to be forgiven?"

[Brandt761]

Hummm...doesn't stump the guys I know. They just say that the rules from the old testament had to be followed after god set them (which he had to do, to prove they couldn't all be followed). Which makes the whole thing even more complex, and takes me a lot of time to dismantle.

[WillSKB88]

Hahaha!! "First of all, he didn't need to [suffer], just needed to do the fingernail trick" Kalsolar, Psalm 5:15

[kalsolarUK]

lol, well I suppose its about time the bible was given the occasion updated psalm.

[shane14120]

you never fail to impress me

[kalsolarUK]

very nice of you to say so! Thanks. Pity I can't equally impress the fundies. lol.

[Darkasthenight06]

Another brilliant vid. I just wish I could watch you without Eddie Izzard popping into my head every five seconds : )

[OccamKant]

The funny thing about "walking on water" is that you CAN'T walk on water.

Jesus wasn't walking on water - even if the event in the bible was true (which I don't believe), he was walking on some kind of magic surface.

So he may as well have flown, because that's what they're saying he did. Water does not support the weight of a human.

Unless Jesus's real miracle was to somehow reduce his mass to that of a skitterbug. But then he'd have a problem with his organ function.

[kalsolarUK]

The interesting thing is that Peter also walked on water.... apparently having faith is enough to make you defy physical laws - well for a short time anyway as he fell in after a few steps.

[Brandt761]

And once in a while, some religious leader drowns trying to do it...

[OccamKant]

That sounds like Wile E. Coyote after he runs off a cliff - he hangs there for a few moments, waves goodbye and then falls.

[RICKYMDOGG]

Excellent as always!!

[slLLyhumans]

The Feeding of the 5000 - Crass

[CousinoMacul]

Well, if Jesus hadn't actually suffered, then--according to the prophesies--we will all die. Therefore, it's crystal clear that Jesus ... oh wait, never mind.

[leungchaan]

brilliant...