Struggling with Eating Disorder; Advice?~ OSnapski Recovery

[CsixHtwelve0six]

You poor dear =(. My first year of college was so similar. I did almost the exact same thing, counting calories, restricting all day and then making up for it alone at night. My first year, I was isolated and depressed and even though I maintained my weight, my eating disorder was out of control. College is extremely stressful, even for people who handle stress well. I think talking to your doctor and getting the extra support is a brilliant idea.

Stay strong <3 <3 <3.

[meowthecath]

<3

[Jennuhhfurrx]

i love you bea! no matter what, you are amazing! remember that <3

[ellie1289]

I am a freshamn in college to... (I think we're friends on FB) I go to CU in colorado. I have also been "this close" to purging here. There is SO much food availible. I relapsed badly last december-feb (senior year) and was on strict outpatient treatment. I should have been re-admitted, but I was going through senior swim season and I would have been CRAZY if that was taken away. I missed my july period, had it in august, and then skipped september. I also eat alone in my room. It's horrible.

[LizyDawn]

I mean YOUR not YOUTUBE

[LizyDawn]

How long into anorexia were you when you lost YouTube period?

[OSnapski]

@LizyDawn about 2months? I don't remember completely.

[Soccerwin785]

I love you Bea, everyone has there down times. If you don't like it, think about switching. You will do so much better if you like where you are. If you need to go to your doctor DO IT! There is no excuse to hold back.

[OSnapski]

@Soccerwin785 I am =) Im transferring after this semester!

[maggymoo21]

So sorry to hear you're going through a tough time. I definitely chose the wrong school my freshman year, I went to a small school in the middle of nowhere. I ended up switching to a closer school the next year and it's been much better since then. Having familiar friends around and everything has helped a lot. Hope you feel better soon!

[firefly1297]

Bea, I completly know how you feel about everything. Last year I went away to college, and i had been doing well with my eating disorder, until about a month into the school year. I relapsed so suddenly and so hard I was sent to treatment and allowed back in the spring. They asked me to leave again over the summer and I still haven't been aloud to return.

Don't be embarressed! There is nothing to be ashamed of. Going away to college is always tough. You can do this. Talk to your mom.

[unfracasonadamas]

I hate to see you struggle like this, I don't think i've ever commented before but i've watched all your videos and I know that you're a very strong person. There's nothing to be ashamed of, if you need to see your doctor then that's fine, the fact that you're trying to reach out and realising you are having problems shows how strong you are, it's something to be proud of. It's difficult to deal with all those thoughts on your own. I hope things get better soon <3

[LoveRachelXOXOXO]

Oh my gosh, you are so sweet and so honest and insightful. I struggled big time during the first bit of college. I don't have a lot of advice other than to tell yourself that you're dealing with a lot of change and that everything will be okay. Know that it will get easier. How are other ways you can deal with your feelings about school andmissing your boyfriend? I know the ED worries are forefront in your mind, but the ED is a negative reaction to all the stress you're under. Best wishes <3

[drismylife]

Sorry to hear you're struggling hun...why don't you watch back some of your old videos to remind yourself how strong you are and how far you have come already?

Hope things get better very soon!!!

[allyson87]

i'm so sorry to hear you're not doing well. i can relate though. when i went to college, i thought my eating disorder was in the past. however, it became worse than ever. i was too ashamed to say anything to my family until things got bad, and i ended up being a 5th year senior b/c i couldn't manage a full class load and my full-time eating disorder. please get help now. if you don't like you're school, maybe you can transfer. you might even be able to next semester. good luck!

[tirEDofcoping]

aw Bea you should not be embarrassed about needing to see your ED doctor, you know you need to see him and you are being proactive in your health - that is a GOOD thing! you should be proud of yourself for that! stay strong and please continue to make updates : )

[tinabohochic]

Awww Bea STAY STRONG - you've done SO amazingly well so far, remember everyone struggles with relapsing. You can do this, I know you can!!! Please if you think your going to slip see someone? I think seeing a nutrionist would be excellent, sometimes we do need that little bit of extra help. Lots of love xx

[OSnapski]

@tinabohochic I can't have a nutritionalist where I am at school =(

[RachelcanRecover]

You are such an inspiration to me!! I'm currently recovering from a three year battle with anorexia and it's probably the hardest thing I've ever done!! Stay strong you will beat this!!

[GrassIsBetweenMyToes]

Your stomach may apper bloated or pregnant when you are not well nourished, the stomach swells because it is trying very hard to absorb everything in there. Kind of like ringing out a wet cloth... that's a lot of pressure on your stomach and that's why its painful and your stomach swells. Your stomach is empty but it feels bloated that means you are malnourished look at children in africa, they have pregnant looking bellies too This is coming from love to you and from my personal experience.

[MexicoSuarez]

You should apply if you haven’t already to other schools in Chicago o una ciudad grande so puedes opciones para el ano despues o un otro semestre. You might want to consider looking into seeing a nutritionist or at least have one appointment or two and see how it goes and probably he/she can help you process your thoughts about binging, restricting, tambien escuela. Siempre aqui para ti <3.

[MexicoSuarez]

Yo pienso que you should talk with Meads, let him know what is going on. You could tell your parents you don't want to talk about it but you really need to talk with Meads? Ayy mi amor nooo necesitas mas nutricion protein y tafs ese son bien para ti. Ayy no tu pelo es menos en tu cabeza tambien?! Muy malo <3. Necesitas mas. Tu nunca nunca nunca son gordo <3 recuerdo. Yo amo tu siempre y no importa que tu numero es recuerdas siempre.

[MexicoSuarez]

I’m glad you finally made this video because I’ve been thinking you should make a video about this, struggling. I’m really proud of you for making it and for trying what you did on your birthday. Even though it didn’t work out it was a good idea/attempt to try something that you don’t normally do. I love you so much too always <3. Exactemente nueva dia cada dia y nuevas semanas cada semanas =)...

[MrClarabelle]

Could you try calling Mead? 

[etrox318]

Bea,

I think you need to see a nutritionist. Speaking from personal experience, when I wanted to binge, it was usually because I was actually physically hungry. A nutritionist could help you sort that out.

Your parents want to see you well; I know they do! Tell them what you told us, that you need help.

Speaking from the point of view of a bulimic (ie me) bingeing also occurred during emotional times. Remember that you can always transfer schools (hey, I did that too!)

I <3 you!! Emily

[OSnapski]

@etrox318 My parents would let me transfer if I was really unhappy, but they'd be upset about it... Which makes me not wnt to do it. And I can't have a nutritionist where I am at school.... It's a extremely small town and theres no intense counseling like that or any ED stuff at the hospital.

[runnergirl3E]

you can also chew mint gum

[OSnapski]

@runnergirl3E Lol I chew gum ALLL day.

[runnergirl3E]

by the way, you are such an inspiration, i am currently recovering from anorexia after 1 year and your videos are a great help.

[runnergirl3E]

weight changes, you can always change your weight; you can always transfer colleges; and don't be embarrassed to ask for help because there are people who are far more into their anorexia and bulimia than you are. Sometimes you just need to let it all out

[alipalipoli]

hey, this is your opportunity to get on top of this, and it's important you do it ASAP. you have to get it out in the open and discuss this with someone - whether it's your mum or doctor mead - before it gets out of hand. your future's at stake here. :)

hope i don't sound too preach-y.

[runnergirl3E]

distract yourself from eating too much or too little

[runnergirl3E]

drink coffee and pamper yourself

[OSnapski]

@runnergirl3E I drink coffee all day too lol

[Lovemonkeysxox]

I totally undertand how you feel, Don't be afraid to see your doctor because he will really help you, and make you feel better. You seem like such an amazing person, and I really look up to you, I'm not quite sure if I have an eating disorder but I do have a lot of the symptoms and watching some of your previous videos has helped me through a lot and has helped me understand that sometimes what I do is not "normal" so just remember that you are an incredible girl!

[XPrettyXSceneXGirl]

I know how it feels to struggle,and I know EXACTLY how you feel about the Chicago/big city thing as well. I grew up in Chicago and then when my parents got divorced I somehow got stuck 2 hours away from Chicago in Wisconsin...surrounded by corn lol. I KNOW it sux so bad and it plays on you mentally,but things will get better,and life does go on. You will end up back in Chicago if that's what you want,the day will come. You seem like such a smart girl,and I hope you feel better soon. :)

[OSnapski]

@XPrettyXSceneXGirl I'm IN Wisconsin -_-

[DRAGONFLYS06]

Hi hun, 2 me it looks like u have lost weight , especially in your face. It sounds like 2 me some of your thoughts r eatting disorder thoughts, like bloated belly does not = fat belly plus u no the eatting in your room is not good 4 u but still do it. Talking 2 DR Mead seams like a good idea, I think your parents would want u 2 ask for help now before it gets bad. Do whats best for u so if staying at collage where u are is too much & u don't c things changing, u need 2 decide whats best luv Jen

[OSnapski]

@DRAGONFLYS06 Really? I thought my face looked so fat while filming this video -_-

[DRAGONFLYS06]

@OSnapski Its scary how ED's change the way we c r selves. When I had an ED 6 years ago I thought I was so fat, looking back at pictures now I c how skinny I was

[AnaGirlEmpath]

Sweetheart, you are not alone! *hugs offered* Many of us are fighting relapse right now, too. I feel you 100%. Always remember: This Journey is rarely if ever linear! It is important that we vloggers in advocacy of ED recovery remember that we are allowed to not be okay too. We ALL need support. Keep reaching out! We are here for you! I know you have tons of support already, but if you'd ever wish to chat/text/IM, I am here. Lastly, THERE IS NO SHAME in this honey. This is NOT your fault! XOXOX

[smilininsane]

Bea I love you! lol.. that's not creepy at all.....I hope everything works out! It's so shit that that has happened :( just try to put it all behind you and just think about your boyfriend, maybe that could help? or try and eat all of your calories during college time so that you don't feel like you're being sneaky...maybe take some food you do like with you to lunch? I hope everything gets better :) and you should definitely talk to your doctor x

[OSnapski]

@smilininsane I just find that so embarrassing to bring food in, plus we aren't allowed....damnit.

[Ree03]

Also, keep in mind that this does not mean RELAPSE (a scary thought for those of us who have self identified as 'recovered' or 'recovering') but just a hard moment. That's okay. You do not have to fall back into it hard. I know a big part of your struggle right now is the distance from your boyfriend and close friends -- but try to really understand that EDs mean control in moments of emotional turmoil. Try to handle your emotions in a less harmful way -- direct it to another medium. <3

[Ree03]

Bea, that kind of weight gain (as you described -- apparent loss on top and bloated) is a sign of bloating and malnutrition, as you mentioned. You will see that once you start working out (try yoga or core work) and eating MORE and healthier (vegetables and fruit is great, but more tofu, beans, nuts) and you will see feel much much better. I know it feels shitty after a binge or a bad few days of eating but try to keep it in perspective - THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Stay strong, you can do this.

[FamilyTree89]

I think you should tell your parents and see your doctors. It's not shameful, it's normal. x

[darkangelLL]

I know unless you feel comfortable and beautiful, it doesn't matter what people tell you, but I have been watching your videos for a awhile, and your a beautiful person inside and out. And I hope one day you realise that. I know its hard, but you can get there. Good luck when school starts back. Focus on staying strong.

[darkangelLL]

Re: stomach thing. It might be that your eating something causing you to bloat, and that is why you feel fat in that area. I am vegan, so mostly I eat fruit and veg, and a lot of rice dishes, etc, but I have noticed if I eat fruit with something like toast, then it makes me bloat, its best eaten first thing or on its own. Something to do with the acid of the fruit in the stomach. I got a lot of help from Kimberly Snyder beauty detox solution blog and book.

[darkangelLL]

Don't be ashamed to ask to see your doctor, that is what he is for. It might worry your parents, but explain that your having these thoughts and want to prevent slipping back into your eating disorder. They will be proud of you for making the decision and taking responsiblity. The sooner you talk to someone who can help the better. I would advise seeing the doctor. And I can say, once you settle into university, the pressure gets less and its easier by your second year.

[darkangelLL]

Adjusting to university is hard, especially hard if you are in recovery for an eating disorder. Its a completely different environment, more pressure and especially hard if you are so far away from your family/comfort zone. It is normal be having these thoughts of relapsing. I was exactly the same the first year of uni and did relapse. What I can say the early your realise your falling back into old habits, the better. Getting help to cope with the thoughts your having is the best way.

[annbrownie]

if your having trouble with ur college choice u should really consider transferring somewhere where u will be happier because if ur not happy there its just gonna be all bad...esp for us with these eating issues...i had to transfer from my first uni to go back home cuz it was tooo much and i didnt feel right there...u have to be comfortable at ur uni and ur new town...and try not to be embarrassed about asking for help cuz ur parents should be happy that ur asking for help before u relapse

[Sonnylove92]

my thoughts & prayers are with you I am so sorry your struggling & I hope things get better for you I am so sorry I don't know what else to say )=

[annbrownie]

aww honey! it'll be okay! just put that as a part of ur past and enjoy urself in new york! but i have to say at 10:27 in ur video i started chuckling about the bra size thing haha cuz the sammmmme thing always happens to me!!

[ateenipeterson]

as it is, you've done a lot of things right! I'm proud of you for that, like seriously. I look up to you and really like your videos because they give such a real perspective on recovery- its not easy, its worth it, and it takes a long time for the dramatic ups and downs to settle. ANYWAY I'm sorry for these incredibly long comments, but you can feel free to message me or anything! I don't have your number but I follow u on twitter (same user name). I'm thinking about you! <3 <3 -Sloane

[ateenipeterson]

dorm and remember thinking OH crap. I made the wrong choice. College is such a huge adjustment, I didn't realize until the next summer that SO many of my friends were feeling depressed, unsure, and lonely like me! I was really surprised. You aren't the only one feeling that way <3 5. I think you should give yourself some credit for all the good things you've done! You recognized the slip and cognitive distortions, you're going to class, you've made it through like 1/3 of the semester. As hard...

[ateenipeterson]

laxatives not working after a binge. I think its because (just guessing) they can't reach your small intestines and stimulate them like they normally would. They've made me throw up before and have no affect on my bowels. 3. When I binge I feel like I should keep binging. When I restrict I feel like I should keep restricting... so the thoughts of continuing to binge, I can relate to too <3 4. When I started college I got into my first choice school, with a lot of my friends, and first choice...

[ateenipeterson]

I feel like I have a zillion comments to make! I'm going to try to remember all of them :) 1. its actually common after a binge (or even just eating more than your body is used to) to have your stomach be huge. I don't know why? but it happened to everyone their first few days of treatment, and then it went down. I think it was mostly fluids, from what I heard it was because of your body repairing your organs and your body not used to processing the food. 2. I've had the same experience with...

[swallowMDMA]

Your hair is amazing. omg. You're beautiful. XD