Jeremy Clarkson Funny Quotes

[TheMenttwo]

i'd pull his fucking head off if he ever comes 2 andytown belfast the vile torie loving english cock.

[DarkLeonUK]

some say he knows how magnets work.

[Ereor]

Brace yourselves, 0:32 is coming.

[FORCENSX]

:D clarkson on helium

[224flamer]

In the wuuuuuurrld.

[agnosticChurchworker]

Jesus looks like Weird Al...

[veedle96]

@agnosticChurchworker or tarzan from disney lol

[broomeydbr9]

Gotta love jezza :D

[vojin54]

right........i just have to say that's stupid.........it is stupid.........it's just a test how big your lungs are!

[Degenskonto]

Haha love how he puts the hard hat on

[cheesydalek]

@verwoerd he's commenting on the release of the Lockerbie Bomber

[nanospeed91]

speed doesn't kill suddenly becoming stationary that's what gets you

jeremy clarkson

[MakeupwithAshley15]

I like Richard "hamster" haymond! He's me favorite!

[Stig53KR]

Can someone explain the Scottish released him too early joke with the stigma?

[verwoerd]

@Stig53KR :

I think it's because in the previous episode the Stig had been stopped by Scottish police on a challenge. Since he never talks, he didn't reply to their questions about driver's licence and whether the car was stolen so they took him in and, as Clarkson said in the off: "...the Stig reserved the right to remain silent".

[sbloger1]

whats with "how hard can it be?"?

[TheStrawberryswinger]

"In the world" He is the only one who can say that in an awesome way :D

[patko1610]

everytime he openes mouth its like some epicness occures

[ROFLOLXDXD]

best one is still: How hard can it be?

[0Lamborghini]

Does anyone remember that one with James where he just says the F word in casual conversation? - In relation to a car, something like: "that's f*cking brilliant."

Everyone did a double-take because it was so out of character, haha.

[scooter7461]

Jeremy on helium sounds like Jonathon Ross!

[Kousaburo]

Top Gear: A bunch of men-children having the time of their lives.

[R4LP5K]

This what we should think of at Jeremy Clarkson!

[theotendleeey]

SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!!!!

[GeneralCuster14]

"Yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh.... rock and roll!"- Jeremy when driving the Fiat Panda Limo (one of my personal favorites at least :P)

[amorley93]

the 8th deepest lake in the world.....

[kaorutheimpaler]

they should have brought a bus load of kids from schools out to see that.

[TheGregoryPartridge]

...In the world!

[9teen8e5]

@theGuyWithASchlong here here

[Jammerr89]

The 8th deepest lake in the world..

[bertalloti]

THIS IS A TRUE BAFFOON, WHO IS TAKING YOU ALL FOR A RIDE, SEEN MORE BRAINS IN A FENCE POST

[TheGuyWithASchlong]

@bertalloti

Fuck off then, he gives voice to what we all think. About people, other countries and politicial views. If you don't agree with him why don't you just go follow Diane Abbot on twitter so you can see her racist views on white people.

[bertalloti]

@TheGuyWithASchlong I LOVE DIANE ABBOT, SO SEXY.............

[xDARKBATx]

BETTER THAN THE AUSTRALIAN ONE (aussie one is shiet)

[totallyINFAMOUS]

@xDARKBATx Every other country's version of it is shit :/

[JacobStocker10]

1:50 we buy any car.com!

[nocalsteve]

Why is it that my front license plate falls off my car for no reason, yet when a car gets hit by a train, it stays firmly attached?

[julien1681]

He's awesome lolollol

With the citroen is hilarious, i m french and i was lmao. Love this show!!!

[JoeDurobot]

@julien1681 Yeah they always make fun of the French.But for some reasons when the show is aired in France those parts are edited.

And of course they had to destroy a french car with that train, I dont think it was random lol.

[KattiSatti]

Lol, 2:24 "The message then is clear: unless you want that to happen to you... always wear this"

[Chancecarl16]

@spikeyisland70 just because you drop an f Bomb in every sentence doesn't make you funnier or tougher or cooler or what every your trying to be don't hate on the JC

[Chancecarl16]

@spikeyisland70 Can you be a little bit mor vulgar there for me?

[Logan82]

LOL XD

JESUS IS HERE!!



[xfinchx]

Go on the Clarkson!

[yo13drifter]

1:05

[spikeyisland70]

@alfaromeogtv1986 That's if you have a girlfriend - I'm sure you have a dog :)

[spikeyisland70]

Jeremy Clarkson is 100% cunt - if he was a woman (with looks like that) no one would give him the time of day. I fucking hate him and do not understand why so many saddos worship every word that comes out of his foul little mouth but hey, this is England. Yuck.

[7477238]

@spikeyisland70 If you hate JC don't watch videos concerning him. I hate Justin Bieber so guess what? I don't watch his videos or any video containing content of him.

Sounds like you have a furious weasel in your pants... Yes a JC quote XD.

[WillHapgood2]

@spikeyisland70 Who the fuck are you?! exactly, Fuck off.

[shortybig50]

@alfaromeogtv1986 hahaha the only thing your girlfriend(in your dreams!) would scream in bed with you,is screaming with laughter when she roars at your 1 inch dick!!!!

[lowtone10]

From 1:03 onwards I fell off my chair!

[MrSean677]

My personal favorite is from the Christmas Special when they're dropped in Iraq and have to go to Bethlehem, Hammond suggests going through Baghdad and Clarkson goes "have you ever watched a television program called...the news"

[HUNDOLOS]

@MrSean677 I loved that so much, too :D I think part of why it's so funny is because even if Hammond just acts like he doesn't know, it actually is believable that, however crazy he is, Clarkson knows more about serious real world news.

[Ignika9000]

You just hate Jeremy Clarkson because he made fun of American cars, and you have an AMC Gremlin.

[shortybig50]

@alfaromeogtv1986 smug english twat,whens the next tory party conference ?????BOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!! tally ho jeremy,,,,oooh kiss me bunny,,,,,,,ooh be gentle jeremy,,,,,oooh how very middle england,,,,,ooooh pass the port old chap,,,,oooooh jeremy your such a dear,,,,,

[EnglishHighsociety]

Think! Always wear a high vis jacket.. lol

[sawyerbobby]

lmao that accent he did with the citroen is funny

[2010DarkDevilUK]

He's a legend!!

[McGANGSTAWALRUS]

The Citroën scene was the funniest.

[YaBoyLeif]

Where were the funny ones...? :/

[Chatzzzz]

hahahahahaha

[hitttman4653]

jesus



[BigggRice]

sweeeeet!

[champo336]

The double hard hats on his head. Priceless!!



[Thesixthgoon]

@champo336 And the double high vis jackets!

[MrRyanMcCall]

On supercars vs hypercars:

While supercars are made to mess with G Forces,

Hypercars are made to mess with G Strings....

[mortinsonoffice]

- On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive

gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with

gingivitis

[mortinsonoffice]

- "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if

you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do,

and it helps."

- "You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't

go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance,

she's a woman!"

- "Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a

sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the

equivalent of a President."

[mortinsonoffice]

- On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air

force crashing into a firework factory."

- "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being

well-behaved... for a murderer."

- "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's

duty to be on my plate at supper time."

- "There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality

of stitching... on their face."

[mortinsonoffice]

- Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars

domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on

the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not

be an obstruction.

Run them down to prove them wrong."

- "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough

affordable cars on the show... so we'll kick off tonight with the

cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

[mortinsonoffice]

- "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people

carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Ooh

good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted

diseases.'"

- "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to

places quicker than I do?"

- " Britain 's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably

because they don't have wheel-chair access."

[mortinsonoffice]

- "The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an

Ethiopian transvestite."

- "The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in

the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."

- "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More

comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

[mortinsonoffice]

- "I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a

bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the

couch."

- "The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician

stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air

saying there will be no war with Germany."

- Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a

greased stick out of a pig's bottom."

[shortybig50]

i hope you crash of one of those free cars you get to fanny about in and experience the dedication of the paramedics,police,nurses,docto­rs,porters,kitchen staff ,physios,occupational therapists,etc etc who look after you till your better and fit again,but then tory boy,i hope you crash and then ,,,,,,,,scumbag!

[davidcollen211]

Jeremy is the best...and poor Rubens...

[MultiDan46]

It's not funny if it doesn't have the Diana quote!

[Wildfox01]

One of my favourite Clarkson quotes; “The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided, it's like having unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite” lol The guy is a one off!

[onhereagain]

legend

[charliewhisky111]

here's some feedback. HE'S A FAT CUNT!!!!

[IsaacClarke1000]

the thumbnail was like " his hard hat needs a hard hat

[PerviousSauc3r]

You forgot POWWEERRR!!

[Co0kieDealerr]

i hate people with this kinda titles...people like you..ore anybody has the right to say ''the best of..'' because it's a lack of opinion...

[lagundafire]

THAT'S TOAST!!!!!!!!!

[thedevo01]

0:30 WATCH OUT! TOO LOUD!

[gbrecht]

Which episode is it when he says 8th deepest lake in the world?

[TheGibsonsarecool]

2:38 rasta annotations

[matrixmare]

Where's the toodlelooooo?!!

[angels8492]

maaaan omg

[SuperEbay123]

1:48 this could be a new style icon XD

[GORILLLLAZ95]

at around 1:08 is that the mazda laguna seca raceway he is on it looks like it

[tunkie3]

2:26 yes damn right it is: trains are freakin sweet :D

[lucasbmxMDK]

one of my favorites is the new episodes where they turn cars into train cars, and he almost head ons a train and he yells "pooooooo has come out"

[vitaphone97]

IT'S TOAST!!!!

[SuperFireness]

@genzchick SHUT UP

[wowflix1]

Here's one for the stig: "some say he tastes like chicken"

[dewa1808]

" I LIKE TRAINS" 1:54

[ACPerformances]

It's actually scary how much my grandfather looks like him. Well, technically he looks like my grandfather.

[IsEarthHollow]

GEEZUUSS IS HERE lmao

[TheTomTomRUN]

@IsEarthHollow I like how he says it randomly in the middle of Richard talking

[blickluke]

Clarkson wearing a hat on top of a hat?

i did not know Clarkson played TEAM FORTRESS 2 :D

[Imreadingthisaloud]

Clarkson for PM

[WrightyXVI]

SWEET!!!!!!

[eddp777]

lmao and TWO hard hats!

[LollerStormeR]

Last one... is epic.

[LaCorvette]

For smashing a Renault Espace press "7"-key on your keyboard!

[zlyable]

"There are only two opinions in this world. Mine and the wrong one" - Jeremy Clarkson.

[mr9396]

should be prime minister

[lolinstad]

jesus is here 0:31

[xBuzz996]

i love those stig quotes :)

[Stormageddon92]

Jeremy Clarkson = LEGEND

[brackipas]

My favourite quote is , "as useful as a snooze button on a smoke alarm"

[scooter7461]

"IM NOT A SUPERCAR IM A BIG SOFT CITREON"

[MrPman851]

That train wreck is what should happen to all Trabants, providing that nobody's in them.

[wiisaluteyou]

ITS JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Griff1357]

Jeremy Clarkson on helium =Jonathan Ross

[Mdonkin961]

i completely died @ 0:47

[SatoKazuya]

What episode is the clip where he talks in a Spanish accent ?

[S1LENTK1NG10]

Jeremy Clarkson, he is so funny!

[MisterJetta]

What about his comment about prostitute-murdering lorry drivers? :D

[Makuraiac]

anyone else think that Jeremy on helium sounds like Alan Carr?

[TheRealSa1nt]

SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET

[RickDev17]

THAT'S TOAST!! XD

[genzchick]

thats not his best quotes thats just 'some quotes' :(

[TheDWTDevil]

@genzchick Well, I suppose you're right in a way, but other people have different opinions on which his best quotes actually are, they're just some of my favourite quotes :)

[hbunnyo]

@TheDWTDevil Poop is coming out.

[BennieAndTheJets2]

whats the episode is the one when he's on helium?

[adaytorememberrr]

@kinwozaj have a whinge?

[BlackScream77]

loving the double hat action

[DELTAfox468]

Oh, the past couple of days' Top Gear marathon on BBC America was pretty damn fun, if I do say so myself. The helium test at 0:44 was just magnificent!

[tigrex12345]

what episode is 0:45

[Raksmey89]

I want a JAAAAAG

[ettore164]

those definitely arent his best quotes

[jdp123459876]

Such a legend

[XxCarlieCullenxX]

Sweeeeeet!

[howarddargo]

Brit TV is so much better than the crap we make here in the US

the PC crowd won't let you have any fun

[TheSmithersy]

@howarddargo: They won't let you have much fun over here either. Top Gear is really the only programme that is openly un-PC and as a result ends up getting complaints for saying something that's usually rather funny or just the presenters being frank.

[PulletSurprise]

@howarddargo

It's not just PC, it's advertising.

The money has to come from somewhere, and the people it comes from hate when things are funny or true.

[FrapsYou]

@howarddargo no swags, only fags. Thats America

[NorthSea0il]

@howarddargo America has better drama e.g The Sopranos, The Wire, Boardwalk Empire, Deadwood, Rome, Generation Kill and so on.

Britain has better documentaries imo.

[Teztost3rpwn]

@howarddargo i woudn't go so far as to say their tv is better, because we have many great shows here, but top gear is definitely an awesome show. I've tried watching "dr. who" on bbca and it was really, really bad. can't speak for the rest of them though.

[TheDWTDevil]

@Teztost3rpwn Yeah, Dr.Who used to be really good but it has a new director now, its kinda shit.

[randomface54]

@howarddargo US censorship does have one advantage. It encourages inguinuity in getting past the censors. In the UK, if we want to swear on TV, we swear. In America, you can't so you have to apply some cleverness. Like BSG when they use "frak" instead of fuck. Adversity = Innovation

[Pyro25892]

@howarddargo Its probs not due to the PC nuts, cos Aussie Top Gear is absolutely cringe-worthy and we're pretty liberal and cool when it comes to PC. British Top Gear is just EPIC.

[matrixmare]

@howarddargo Top Gear USA SUCKS!!

[Knightblood1]

@matrixmare well it give the view of cars from our stand point and it doesnt suck, its just not the orginial

[killerbees177]

@matrixmare Im a American and I agree 100%

[matrixmare]

@killerbees177 Me too xD But it seems like no one over here can appreciate the sarcastic humor. No wonder they make fun of us Americans. We're stupid and fat. End of story.

[torod213]

@matrixmare Better than the Russian one..

[zuaere]

which episode is it that starts at 1:08

[TheDWTDevil]

@zuaere It is in fact from Jeremy's DVD 'Supercar Showdown'.