If Molested Call A Pastor, Law Enforcement Optional - Atheist Experience 369

[freedom1234573]

THANX for the belly laugh.....shop as if jesus was with you....crazy fucking christians..they are indeed a hoot!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Blondegenius3]

A non- believer could be anyone, not just an atheist but people of different faiths. So this is implying that you shun other people who believe different than you. This feels like a cult mentality. This gives young people bad advice. Forgiving your rapist...WTF! No, the rapist needs to pay for the crime. Call the cops. And the whole thing about picturing Jesus shopping with you sounds like big brother is watching you.

[baahhhFATALITY11]

If you are molested by a pastor, you go see another pastor! And if another pastor molests you, go see another pastor! Police? No! Turn to "god" first.

[rkfool]

Jesus shopping with his girlfriend at the mall

[ThatHauntFreak2]

@rkfool

I wonder if Jesus hates those stores that don't have chairs outside the changing rooms.

[ianchard]

My favourite AE vid so far!

[MrUltraman88]

How come we are supposed to forgive while jesus mild and meek said that he and his heavenly father wont forgive. Cause after their judgement you might end up in hell to be tortured for eternity

[funcpl2741054]

forgive your molester?....that is just more stupid Christianity.....the dumbest thing in the Bible is 'turn the other cheek'

[SeedsOfHatred]

@funcpl2741054 If you turn the other cheek, you get slapped.

[DJ100101]

I like how when he gets excited....it sounds like he is inhaling a bunch of helium xD

[SilentMott]

What IS the point of shit being made out of gold and diamonds in heaven? Who gives a shit? Would there be a currency that even gives them value up there? Maybe diamonds are as prevalent up there as pigeon shit is here. Why would anything need to be valuable. Personally I think there are more attractive precious metals than gold, and more efficient ways to pave streets than with diamonds.

[HDaviator]

@SilentMott

To me, the most precious metal is Iron, because its the last heavy metal created in the furnace of a super giant star before it becomes the most powerful event in the known universe, a supernova.

[paramattic70]

It is truly pathetic when considering the size of the Universe and the billions of galaxies and billions of stars and billions of planets and billions of people, that a God really gives a shit what kind of clothes you wear or that you told a lie. Or that "your" God is the one true God. That's wicked arrogant and conceited. Christians actually think that they're special. Hmmm, Jesus blesses Tim Tebow to throw a touchdown, but fuck that kid dying of cancer. Sick, sick, sick.

[HDaviator]

@paramattic70

To add to that, its incredible to believe that the vast universe is some sort of experiment created as eye candy for humans. Then at some undisclosed point in time, a god will destroy it all and only take those HUMANS who believe in it to some supernatural place in the sky. It would be funny if it wasn't so crazy.

[okltsply]

Priest has to run out on an errand gets guy off street to fill in for him in confessional. Guy says "I dont know how" priest says " just read of the list and give out penance" Lady comes in says "forgive me father for i have sinned, I stole." Guy looks down list stealing....stealing...Ok he tells her" say 4 hail marys" 2nd person comes in says" forgive me father for I have sinned i commited sodomy" guy looks at list sodomy....sodomy.... but can't find it. He asks an alter boy(cont.)

[okltsply]

@okltsply " Hey kid what does the father give out for sodomy?" The alter boy says" Ah...depends sometimes candy sometimes gum."

[freedom1234573]

so let me get this straight- the most powerful God in the world gets stuck holding some chick's pocketbook while she tries on monolo's ....too funny!!

[trufuknplaya]

anyone involved in christian teaching should be exterminated. such irrational thought is worthy of death and silence

[TheSkunkCat]

Actually the heaven in revelations is tacky and glittery as fuck. It's an affront to good taste, which obviously ancient times barbarians lacked. It's all pretty rocks and goldplating.

As for what you do there, you eternally praise god, that's all you get the do. Oh and eat fruit maybe.

Actually it's really not all that much better then hell. You don't get to do fun stuff, you get to worship forever.

[TomVodkaCollins]

Take Jesus to Victoria's Secret. The man hung himself on a cross for your ass, the least you can do is give him some wood. X^D

[InteGrayting2]

@TomVodkaCollins I thought jesus was already given two pieces of wood? How much does he need.

[TomVodkaCollins]

@InteGrayting2 If the 'accounts" are even half right, one great galloping hell of a lot more. The poor, deluded bastard got beat like a red-headed step child on linen wash day.

[deathman1021]

if someone is molested a pastor is the most likely suspect, so how is that helping

heres how i see it going down

"Pastor, i was molested

I know Billy, i love our sunday afternoons as well"

either that or they will move him to another parish to do it all over again, ad infinitum

[Hertzyscowicz]

I choose to give the benefit of the doubt and think the original idea behind "pastor or police" was that the pastor would go to the police.

[freedom1234573]

@Hertzyscowicz sure, of course just like they did with the 10 thousand plus kids they raped in the past.....

[jmg94j]

Churches are heaven for sexual predators. Churches are full of trusting, gullible parents with children who are taught to not question authority. When a predator does get caught, the church tries to deal with it internally to avoid a scandal, enabling the predator to carry on assaulting. A pastor in my old church had 8 girls accuse him of sexual misconduct. The church slapped him on the wrist and sent him to a different church where he promptly assaulted 2 more girls and finally got charged.

[5jerry1]

@jmg94j

That's a very good point. The church might not breed the molesters, but it does attract them, as the church will try to cover it up to keep their own nose clean. I feel the church's reputation would improve greatly if they turned all the molesters in. Their image would improve greatly if they took a tougher stance on sex crimes; they have set themselves up for all the ridicule they get.

[JMSofSweden]

@dejesusluisx There's so many things wrong with that argument... If you're willing to listen and you're not just preaching then respond to this comment and I will as well. Otherwise I don't want to waste my time

[Unclenick2012]

Its a sad thing being molested in the name of Jesus.

[dannukesem]

What if it was the pastor that molested her ?

[bonkuraysan]

@dannukesem they will probably tell you to ask the pastor to forgive himself

[NiteSaiya]

Was there a reason they say "him" when they talk about the rapist and "her" when they talk about the victim? Like boys never get raped? Like women don't sometimes rape girls and boys? Strange bias coming from two relatively intelligent individuals.

[ChipArgyle]

Call your Catholic priest and give him all the details of your molestation. He can then determine if you were properly molested or not. If you weren't, you should probably send your molester to the priest for guidance.

[bobthecat420]

@ChipArgyle I'm rolling on the fucking floor laughing after reading your comment!!! Jesus fucking christ that's so funny!! HAHAHAHA!  HA!

[deathman1021]

@ChipArgyle i think they call it vocational school these days

[ChipArgyle]

@deathman1021 Devotion school?

[deathman1021]

@ChipArgyle no, vocational school is what they call the place young people too dumb for regular school go to study to become priests.

hence my addition to your joke about the molester needing proper training.

[ComAntNeLib]

@ChipArgyle lol the priest will probably jack off is said person tells him the story

[freedom1234573]

@ChipArgyle LOVE IT!!!

[ChipArgyle]

@freedom1234573 Thanks. It's kind of scary when you can pull such dark humor from real events that should never, ever happen. But sadly, it will continue, because instead of turning over their molesting priests to the authorities, the Catholic management team simply relocated them instead, giving them access to new flocks of altar boy sheep. There's no crime in that, is there? Charges of harboring fugitives and aiding and abetting don't apply to the Vatican, do they?

[JoeyisDREADful]

@innominehumanitas So it's like being on drugs for eternity? Yeah, that would get old after a few hundred years, I'm sure. :P

Plus, if god really does hate gays, then hell must be fabulous! lol.

[1RadicalOne]

That is EXACTLY how I have heard it described. And obviously, the believer loved the idea...

[Mofoe2001]

If Mr. Wagner was a church pastor, Id attend his church every Sunday.

[ChajaYudelevitz]

Were I in heaven (which I don't believe in), I'd try to have the most fun possible. So that basically means I'd joke and laugh and dance and sing and eat and fuck a lot. And probably try every recreational drug there is. (eh, an eternity and already dead. What's to lose?) BUT that would be sinful. BUT we only had to be obedient through life to earn this fun vacation. BUT if god says things are sinful, why would he be okay with it in non-life? Can he kick you out for partying too hard? XD

[farnium]

"Jesus hung out with prostitutes so that gives you a lot of latitude with what you can wear. . ."

Lollololololol!

[IckleMcMan452]

@innominehumanitas Not to mention the fact that you're stuck in heaven as a mindless puppet for eternity. Never-ending eternity. I mean, fuck, even if heaven is better than sex that would still become hellish after awhile, and it continues forever.

[daverigby23]

I had my partners brother and his wife to stay. They came back from shopping on Saturday, and that evening when they said grace, they actually thanked the Lawd for the shoes they bought. I kid you not.

[DylanJo123]

@daverigby23 Thanking god for the shoes, while the children that worked on it in china get no thanks seems funny to me.

[DantehMan]

Martin Wagner is on a roll.

[NefariousVirtuoso88]

Day 898,177,937,846,894,983 ... in the Big Brother Heaven.

[k0rps3gynd3r]

The description of heaven in the bible is a red flag for me considering it consists of precious metals and materials we have on earth (things man would desire to have).... kinda makes you wonder if the ignorant sheep herders that wrote the bible were just pulling shit out of there ass......

[k0rps3gynd3r]

damn these guys are just flat out ripping one theists on live T.V. and don't give a damn!! Right on guys. lol

[luvtheheavenAGAIN]

Wow.

[HarrysSecret]

Martin is one of my favourite hosts.

I could chat all night with this guy.

[shaneisawesome11]

Martin should do voice over work.

[Jayoung1000]

That mag is nuts

[crystalheart9]

When I was in second grade the nuns gave us medals to wear that said "In case of an accident, call a priest." Even in second grade I was thinking I want a doctor not a priest!! :P

[Eniacbc]

HOLY CRAP I never thought this show could be this funny XD

Please do more of this!

[SkillingRS]

Aw that heaven place sounds cool !

Where is it?!?!

Lol :P

[ARAFELI]

the shoping tip and the one with who jesus hang out was really funny

i want to take Ashley Perrien place and just sit there with Martin he looked like he had alot of fun :P

[gordonj005]

watch out for the irish ones.

[Jostedalsosten]

I love when Martin's on the show, he's so funny! :D

[TheStrayCross]

Well I am giving those people the benefit of the doubt and say they meant for the priest to call the police ....

Still not a good thing calling a priest instand of professional help but I am hoping the priest would call the police....

[DandAinTac]

@TheStrayCross Not if the priest was the one who did the molesting!! The church has too much history of NOT calling the police for us to plausibly assume that course of action would just be automatic.

[JanPanda]

Martin is freaking awesome.

[ciaochowbella]

I wanna shop with Jesus! I bet he has the most unlimited credit EVAH!

[drjackflash]

These guys are calling others actions "dubious at best"? ROFL!!!! Too funny!!

[SeRoAnthem]

Martin is the best reader of anything ever.

[Zurround100]

"forgiving" the molester is fine AFTER he has been convicted and put in prison for a VERY long time where the other inmates will beat the crap out of him on a regular basis and when he finally does get out of prison he will have to wear an ankle bracelet for the rest of his life THEN you can forgive him (even then its optional) but NOT before.

[ciaochowbella]

@Zurround100 I say forgiveness is crap is some situations. All these people saying "you need to forgive if only for yourself" are full of shit. I wouldn't forgive someone if he fucked some other 5 yr old. Why should I forgive someone for fucking me when I was 5?

I do think it's best to let the pain go and have a happy life, but not forgive. NEVER forgive some things. To allow the pain to even occupy a space in your life is to give the offender even more victory.

[Amarkcalledme]

The fallacy of heaven is that we all have our little disagreements, our own special opinions and our own agendas. We all feel emotions, and whether it's hate, love, anguish, fear etc. those emotions transcend good or bad because they contribute to our humanity.

The image of heaven I've been brought up on resembles a huge ( high contrast ) city filled with people who never disagree with each other and never feel anything but the "good" emotions, automatons in eternal servitude in exchange for...

[raidersSolja]

@Amarkcalledme

yea, that would blow, except instead of a city it would be huts or sumthing because religion "dont believe in no silly sciences" ha

[mornmeril]

.. Lot of pearls in this wall...

[EPR89]

"Father Davidson, I have been molested by my father."

EASY PREY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[desconocidos27]

why isnt the important question asked? "why did god not protect children when they were being raped?" if god is indiferent towards children getting raped in the world he created, then he does not give a shit about anything else that can possibly happen in the world. YOUR GOD DOES NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU OR HE IS NOT EVEN THERE

[jalbroven91]

So what if you were molested by your pastor? Fuck

[johngeetar]

@jalbroven91 Or worse yet, double teamed by your pastor and a cop.

[GermanChocolateCake]

Martin is great in this one.

[GermanChocolateCake]

(facepalm) Sad thing is, in Sharia, it was probably HER fault, and the law enforcement IS the priest. Utterly sickening. Even more sickening that certain christians want to establish the same kind of process.

[happyidiottalk]

@GermanChocolateCake "Don't kill me, don't kill me" are some of the last words a 13 year old girl said before she was stoned to death by muslims in front of 1,000 onlookers. Why? Because she had been raped! No wait! Sorry, not because she had been raped, because of RELIGION! When that girl most needed love, understanding and compassion; she got buried up to her neck in the ground and was pelted by stones until her skull had cracked or caved in sufficiently for her to die. Fucking animals!

[GermanChocolateCake]

@happyidiottalk I generally believe in live and let live, but some times I really start to think that some ideologies need to be purged with fire.

[desconocidos27]

what if the molester is the pastor?

[lracuda76]

@innominehumanitas It basically means that free will exists on earth but not on Lollypop mountain.

[atheist2688]

Dont get me wrong I like Martin and all but he sounds very queer in this video.

[B1aDK]

@atheist2688 A bit like Fred :)

[GermanChocolateCake]

@atheist2688 Is that a problem?

[DoctorE0]

Crazy slave Christians

[1RadicalOne]

If one is molested, a pastor is the LAST person they should go to...

[99minerkc]

@1RadicalOne you're wrong!  Pastor is the only one you should go to! If you go to the pastor he will be able to pray with you and teach you through prayer to realize that you need to change whatever it is you're doing wrong, and prayer to help you forgive yourself and to ask the molester to forgive you!

[1RadicalOne]

Sarcasm, obviously.

[Icicle0424]

@1RadicalOne Oh man... I got trolled there...

[1RadicalOne]

...?

[Icicle0424]

@1RadicalOne I was reading it and I'm like "is this guy fuckin' serious?!" and then you followed it up with "Sarcasm, obviously" and I was like "Oh, heheh.. for a second there I thought somebody was wrong on the internet"

[1RadicalOne]

Usually I am the one who cannot identify sarcasm. ;)

[biggingeryeti]

@1RadicalOne If they have been molested, the odds are they have already seen the pastor.

[1RadicalOne]

My point exactly, though at least in my experience, "pastor" is to Protestantism what "priest" is to Catholicism, and the scandal is largely restricted to the latter.

[Mikeybetts]

@1RadicalOne

at least they would'nt need to go too far.

XP

[doombow666]

@1RadicalOne onless you liked it.....

[YourDarkAccomplice]

@1RadicalOne - Maybe they mean, if you were molested, turn to an expert? O.o

I knew those people were sick...

[YourDarkAccomplice]

This was getting cool until Martin had to go and feed into the whole social conditioning bullcrap of men tolerating women. Lol. Didn't really understand that one, since guys tend to be very annoyingly interested in what women wear. -.-;;

[sleepinggorilla]

Hello Pastor? I have a recruit for you...

[AmosTheTalented]

Martin is on a roll all through this one!

[anonymepelle]

scarry

[happyhappy85]

he's a pretty funny guy actually

[54NT14G0]

hahahaha martin is just hilarious.

[TBTabby]

Nobody's making fun of that. We're just pissed about the warped sense of priorities this advice column has. Instead of focusing on saving this poor girl from the family member who's molesting her, they try to make sure the incident doesn't shake her faith. The correct answer would be "Call the police and get that bastard behind bars. Then, maybe, you can work on strengthening your faith."

[banonKING]

Sarcasm Alert:

Call your pastor or (if you have the time... and you want to have that whole law and justice thing to hassle with) the police, maybe.

"Longing looks over at Gamespot" Awesome.

[Belloran24]

What the hell is that he's reading?  It's scary!