BPD - Criteria #5 - recurrent suicidal and self-mutilating

[leanneforyou1]

You Are Wanted And No We Wont Get Over It,You Better Get Out Here And Be Beside Us,I Need You Mom,I NEED YOU IN MY LIFE,I NEED MY MOM _____YOU.

[13abbitt]

Fine video: you are a good communicator - you don't need a script. I'm like you. And one day, I think I might get it too right. I'm very careful now to try to just go to the ER if I think it is that bad. Frankly, you get tired of not having the proper means, while professionals think you are just making gestures. I find it soothing to be able to talk about the suicide option, even when I'm happy. It's not that we cannot be grateful; rather, it's a brain chemistry/structure thing. Peace to you.

[evilsneasel]

You described the way of feeling suicidal exactly the way i feel when im in that state. People expect you to think of the others, when its you who needs the attention.

[Lyssenk0]

Does it still count as self-mutilation if you are always drunk at the time?

[thecrackwalker]

Yes, cutting and burning etc are mutilating behaviours.. always

[pantyraider230]

I'm glad you mentioned about feeling suicidal cos I thought I was cracking up when I thought about suicide.

[thecrackwalker]

Lots of people think about suicide. its the ones who act on it that we must help

[EnglishZombie]

i havent cut or burned myself for over a year, but i have had my meds stopped and they wont give me anything else for how i feel, so the next few months should be intersesting at least.

[thecrackwalker]

why are your meds stopped, by desire or by the doctors? I wish you luck

[EnglishZombie]

initially i wanted them stopped because i saw no benefit, my voices are as bad as ever and feel worse then crap most of the time. i did hope they would try something different but they said they want ot see what i am like without any meds. it took 5 months to get a 5 minute appointment, i have the impression they are not interested any more because all therapy i have tried has not worked.

[JustxAnotherxCut]

I also self-mutilate but i havent tried to kill myself yet. I have been very close. I got all the pills and alcohol ready and out on the bed. But i had a sudden change of heart and broke down in tears instead. Ihave never tolod anyone this before. But I hate it when peopel say you just do it for attention. some people probably do. But if u try so hard to hide it and u have done successfully for a long time then why the hell would any1 think u do it for attention

[thecrackwalker]

I think people who don't really undertsand says sucidal attempts are calls for help.. its a common "phrase" they repeat without thinking. If you really think about it a person who is going to commit sucide really is in a bad bad way. they need help

[ojosdelaluna313]

i can really relate to all of this, especially the self mutilation. i am so lucky i have my daughter. she is the reason i am alive. the urge to mutilate never goes away..i've found..but i can talk myself out of it much easier with the proper meds and redirection of thought. great videos...thanks...sara

[thecrackwalker]

I hope you are doing better with the self mutilation part.. you can't let your daughter see you do it.

[ojosdelaluna313]

im doing better now that i have in years. it's a very long story actually..but now, im more stable than ever. i am on disability as of november. i have bipolar, bpd, and experience psychotic features. i have no family and one friend. im ok tho. i am on lithium and celexa...i am drugged but my thoughts arent killing me anymore. i have to stay ok for my daughter. she is happy and my house is clean and bills are paid so i think im doing rather well...long time coming..still very hard life.

[thecrackwalker]

your story is so positive. I am so glad you are trying. Its the best thing you can do. congrats on your good health

[msgrinch61]

What are you doing up? At this time?

[thecrackwalker]

insomnia

lol

[msgrinch61]

Doesn't it sound so good to say that you feel like you would like to be a in a good deep sleep. I some times think about that and feel like doing it. But as you said, I think about who I am leaving behind, I know that we do it for us but what does it do to your family? We just leave them with the doubt of what they could have done for us nah nah nah....

I calm myself down I think about my children. That's when I usually end the fairy tale at times it scares me that I will leave my girls.

[thecrackwalker]

I couldn't leave my child while he was young. now I feel I am old and done.. but you know, i always talk myself out of it..

do you obsess on the ultimate way?

[500cu]

Hi CW...what you say is spot on, the deep desire to end the pain,and enter the long sleep of death...eternal peace...i usually see suicide as the only viable option when i feel like the world and everyone in it utterly detests me and I it.BPD is a tough thing to deal with ....you describe it very well....thanks.. peace...

[thecrackwalker]

hi 500cu, thank you.. You see we are not alone.. we suffer alone but it's not necessary on youtube

[desolit]

thankyou for saying what we need to hear.you are very brave,and we want to send you hugs,we also have self destructive behavior,and every night try to paln our deaths,we dis once and hospital is so horrible,they look at you like a freak when you want to say please just look

[thecrackwalker]

its hard to say out loud - isn't it i hope I gave you a voice

[desolit]

just giving a big hug we hear you and your pain,we also feel this pain.and we try not to cut or hurt ourselves you explained it so much better then any therapist could

[thecrackwalker]

you are welcome

[thecrackwalker]

well I am glad you didn't succeed. I would never have met you.:)

[jaxkipi]

I know what you mean. I want peace too.

When I tell my hubby that I am suicidal, he says, "okay." And goes back to doing what he's doing.

I cry out too. And not for attention either.

[thecrackwalker]

they just don't understand that we are seriously considering this as a way out.. they think - oh not again it'll pass as it always does

[jaxkipi]

EXACTLY.

[lifewithbeenie]

crack-i have to say, you truly are a wonderful speaker. i know you help a lot of people on YT, but seriously, if you're ever feeling up to it, i think you could do wonders speaking to the public about your experiences & educating them on these topics of interest.

[thecrackwalker]

if I could do it I'd consider it.. but too scared. lol, but thx for the vote of confidence

[maximotion]

You know my story. I'm not about recurrent threats but I have tried to kill myself and I have self-harmed.

[thecrackwalker]

no bpd is so personal.. I can tell my story but others are much worse or more invloved.. we need more people to speak up about this part of it.. its the ugly side

[GlimpseAfterGlimpse]

i am happy to report that all went well with my mom.....she was over at my house after the family and i showed her my music video's and all she coudl do is turn into a "utube hater" i was reminded of why i didn't make singing a career. but i still go on.......

[thecrackwalker]

good to hear it went mostl;y well with your mum.. a youtube hater huh? lol what was she discontent. didn't she marvel at your talewnts??? i would if you were my son. :) you shine dude

[GlimpseAfterGlimpse]

my moms favorite pass time is putting me down, she doesn't and she is not even aware of it....until hours later and she'll call and say i am sorry, but as u know the damage is done.

i never told her 10 yrs ago when i purchased my home either coz she would have tried to talk me out of it, coz i woudl have a home and she would still be in an apart. and she gets jealous.

[thecrackwalker]

its sad to always be "devalued" by your parents. mine were much the same.. no matter what I did, or made a decision to do - it was always nixed by my parents.. like I was not able to make my own decisions.. they held me as a baby for my entire life.

thank god you bbought your home alone.. good move

[GlimpseAfterGlimpse]

....my mother loves to control me, everyone, but she has learned over the last several yrs it is a waste of time....even last night she called me to say i am sorry for being so rude....she is liek that to me and everyone. 2003 i co-signed for her to have a lease car...she stopped paying, long story short i ended up getting my credit messed up and all that jazz, it getting back on track now, but that will give u an idea of my mom.....ps. i am an only child.

[thecrackwalker]

my mother was what we termed - a meddler - she had to have her finger in everyone's lives.. control feak.. and yea when she overstepped her bounds she appolgized etc.. but like you say it was too little too late.

only child eh? my son too. I had always wished he had had a few brothers and sisters buit it didn't turn out that way.

his teen years I was a drunk. his 20's i was mentally ill. but we have a good relationship. we are supportive of each other.

[GlimpseAfterGlimpse]

i have a half sister and half brother's from my dad's side, but i haven't seen them in yrs....and yes my mom drinks too, but she has done pretty well the last few yrs.

my mom would tell me the reason she never would have another kid is because she felt she couldn't love another as much as me....actually she shouldn't have had me either.....she has arrested deveplment, she is about 17 yrs old.

[thecrackwalker]

well I am glad you have some sort of incite to your mother's problems.. it might make things a little easier, but the hurts really hurt don't they.

i tried to have more kids but nature said no.

[thecrackwalker]

an only child my son too was an only child, how I wished he could have had brothers&sisters but alas it didn't work out I think I taught him the value of that as he grew. family takes care of family..

my mother was a control freak we caled her the meddler had to stick her finger into everyone's lives, to who we lived with to cut our toenails..

sorry about your mum's car omg don't do that again

[GlimpseAfterGlimpse]

nope....no co-signing again......i would have liked to have a brother or sister, but water under the bridge...the best thing i did was move.....and i actually had to de-brainwash myself, took yrs.

[thecrackwalker]

yes, i am just getting de-brain-washed. lol it took 4 yrs and I'm only just begun.. but I got likeing myself again..

[GlimpseAfterGlimpse]

that's very good. its so important to like yourself.....i have good days and bad......a good book for u is the anxiety and phobia workbook, 3rd edition

[darkangelwitch666]

Not sure if I won't do a video on it just now, but I will think about it, then I could only give my own point on it. There is so many way people self harm that you just could not cover it all.

[thecrackwalker]

no you can't cover it by 1 or 2 examples.. but maybe other's will see our attempts at confronting it and make their videos too. :)

[darkangelwitch666]

Tell you what I will think about it! give me a little time. :)

It's also a hard thing to talk about and I will be very open to being bashed big time by people that don't understand.

Plus self harm is a very private thing, I'm still shock I post that I do it on here!..

[thecrackwalker]

well I appreciate the offer but if it is toon scary, I'll understand.. be cool with it

[darkangelwitch666]

I self harm! And sometimes it works and sometimes it won't! I don't have BPD But I know it's a common thing in both BPD and PD.

I self harm when on a low or very agitated and know it's the only way to sometime manage the anxiety.

It's hard to explain why and I can only speak for myself.

[thecrackwalker]

yea a lot of people do it, sad to say.. i hope you don't do too much damage.. make a video about it. :)

yea its hard to explain isn't it..