Over a year ago when I was still trying really hard to be a girl and repress my trans identity, I wore dresses and hair bows all the time. That was just a small phase caused by guilt and outside pressures from my family. My mom loved it but one day my brother told me that I looked like "a guy in a dress." Those were his exact words. He thought I looked like a mtf who didn't pass well, or a transvestite. Isn't that weird? Maybe we give off a certain aura that people pick up on. I look like a boy.
i am pre t and i have gotten kicked out of both bathrooms before and even got asked why i was buying bra's before i even came out trans by total strangers in the store i pass most of the time until i open my mouth because i still have a girls voice and stuff society is a bitch my friend fuck the haters i know tell people who say i am not a real boy that they are mistaken because i am not Pinocchio it lights the mood and makes me laugh through it
Thank you for introducing the term gender trauma! It fits very well with something that happened to me in high school, which was being kicked out of the girls locker room because I didn't look like a girl. I love your views on gender and I think you are revolutionary! Keep doing what your doing because its amazing.
Hi. Wow, I felt horribly anxious listening to that, I can't imagine how awful that must have been :( I want to give you a big hug! Everyone experiences policing. The worst I have experienced I think, the most humiliating and frightening, is when men use sexual harassment as a way to (this is how I perceive it anyway) put you in your place if you are too forthright or confident. Some people seem to be able to deal with this behaviour and brush it off but for me...
...I see it as a continuum of sexual violence. It makes me feel I am being shown, in a way I cannot respond effectively to, that I am weak, and a worthless object.
God what a horrible experience. I'm so sorry that happened. I have this kind of gender trauma as well .. mostly related to how I'm constantly "outed" by family and friends even though I am perceived as male nowdays. It makes me so anxious being in social settings I end up inside the house mostly.
How uncomfortable, awkward, and just wrong. I can relate to the social anxiety on so many levels. I've had pretty severe social anxiety since I was quite young. In some ways it's gotten much better since transition and other ways worse. Always a listening ear here if you ever wanna talk more about it.
thansk I can relate and may be inspired to make a video. I've had lots of similiar instances, and many smaller. i believe there is a cumulative effect from the "lessor" instances that weilds a lot of power too.
In relation to gender trauma, do you ever feel or have you ever felt a sort of "survivor's guilt" after transitioning b.c. it felt like you left your past and the friends of that past behind to move on to bigger and better things? Do you think this could be a video in itself and do you think other trans or gender variant people have gone through this?
@niiogen I never even thought about this concept. No, I don't feel like I have "survivor's guilt" mostly because carrying the guilt that comes when you recognize privilege is not productive. In turn, I use my experience with transitioning and many of the privileges that come with it to try to enact social changes through education, advocacy, and mentorship.
I can't believe no one spoke up for you to help you out when management was clearly acting crazy. Unfortunately, they never seem to forbid things that they should, like the groping game all the dudes like to play, which you were trying to escape from. It must be because they consider dudes putting their hands all over you to be an "appropriate expression of gender".
Thank you for posting this video. I've been studying trauma this semester. Effects of social traumas are so interesting. When there are strong feelings of embarrassment/humiliation during an event, the trauma can be that much more devastating. Also, it can be confusing when effects don't seem to surface until years later. ...
Sounds like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which is definitely understandable. I'm glad I was able to figure things out earlier and transition earlier so I dont have to deal with too much of that shit. I appreciate you sharing that and hope everything is going well in Vermont!
i feel you. i remember feeling something like this in court. i appeared in court 16x between sept '09 & june '10. i've been living socially as male for almost three years- i'm not just gonna dress femme bc theyre gonna say my birth name. but... responding to my birth name, in a suit, in a room full of 200 people who all watched me walk up (some *clearly* whispered about me- others only know me outside the courtroom as only my chosen name...). i'd call this gender trauma as well.
Thank you for sharing, and for introducing the phrase 'gender trauma,' which is exactly what it is. My school (a single-sex dump in Catholic, rural Ireland) adopted that kind of gender-policing as a matter of active policy, and I was on the receiving end of it for reasons that I still don't really understand today. All I know is that the very sight of that school makes me panicky and light-headed.
@reesekelly Sorry, still new to youtube, so I didn't see that you had asked me something until just now. The teachers referred to me as a girl in class, and would use me as an example of how little boys should not behave, which in turn made the bullying from other kids worse; my parents found out at a parent-teacher meeting that the faculty were doing this deliberately because they were 'worried' about me. It still confuses me to this day, because I'm actually cis!
@reesekelly@reesekelly Sorry, still new to youtube, so I didn't see that you had asked me something until just now. The teachers referred to me as a girl in class, and would use me as an example of how little boys should not behave, which in turn made the bullying from other kids worse; my parents found out at a parent-teacher meeting that the faculty were doing this deliberately because they were 'worried' about me. It still confuses me to this day, because I'm actually cis!
@reesekelly Apologies, I thought my reply had posted. Perhaps 'policing' is a strong word, but teachers used to refer to me as a girl in class (because I had long hair and didn't have an interest in hurling), in order to demonstrate to the other kids how little boys were not supposed to behave. Even though I'm cis, I was made to feel like an 'intruder' in an all-male space, and it led to bullying outside of class.
That's awful but thanks for talking about it and actually calling it trauma. Pre-transition I appeared to be either androgynous or masculine so I went through a whole lot of that. It's hard for me to admit that it was actually painful in some way, though when I walk past a highschool, even though I've been graduated for 3 years, it's pretty obvious where my anxiety stems from.
Thanks for sharing this Reese. The male aggression, gender policing and associated punishments for non-conformity that goes on in gay (so-called 'queer') spaces is intense, problematic and too often downplayed.
Thank you! I have been through many similar situations, but I've never thought of them as "traumas" before. They certainly are. I have social anxiety that is certainly linked to the number of times I've been called out as too masculine (which I understood to mean that I wasn't attractive, despite men wanting, to my dismay, to sleep with me). I learned to use my body to protect myself (though it really didn't protect me emotionally). One fear of transitioning is that I will lose that ability.
@hcomtois I had some fears about that as well...that I'd lose that sort of female masculinity that kept me safe. I remember telling on of my partners early on in transition that she couldn't stick up for me because if she started yelling at some guy he'd turn around and punch me...the codes are different and it takes a while to get used to.
That sounds so horrifying. I'm really sorry that you had to go through that :(. Maybe you should try talking to a therapist about it? Seems pretty traumatizing.
It may be an idea to find a good regression therapist and have a session. They will be able to take you back into that event in a safe space and guide you through processing the trauma/energy block and into a healing process. Send me a message if you'd like to ask any questions. I also do regression therapy with people, I'm not in the States, but I can answer some questions for you if your interested.
I was at a club n this gay guy walked up to me n insisted that I was a drag queen (cis female btw), he was dragging people up to me and just putting me on the spot, continually asking others if they agreed with him. His reasoning was that I was TOO beautiful to be real. It's made me feel as though I look like I man, sound like a man n maybe my body is shaped like a man's. Although all my friends think I am crazy for thinking those things, this random stranger gave me a complex
that's horrifically traumatic. he recognized his error and still made you leave? oh, wow. this reminds me of the humiliation caused by similar gender policing that a guy named matt spoke about - he's mmdmatt84, and the video is "Complications -- embarrassing times at the hot springs."
that situation sounds mortifying. I have lived through situations like that so many times, but never that severe in terms of the size of the crowd and them practically spotlighting you! Horrific.
I'm read as a butch lesbian 90% of the time (and that is how i live my life, even though I know that I am male) and I live in fear of basic things like going up to the counter in a department store etc for fear that they will get confused about my gender and cause an embarrassing situation :S
Over a year ago when I was still trying really hard to be a girl and repress my trans identity, I wore dresses and hair bows all the time. That was just a small phase caused by guilt and outside pressures from my family. My mom loved it but one day my brother told me that I looked like "a guy in a dress." Those were his exact words. He thought I looked like a mtf who didn't pass well, or a transvestite. Isn't that weird? Maybe we give off a certain aura that people pick up on. I look like a boy.
TheSnowyice 7 months ago
i am pre t and i have gotten kicked out of both bathrooms before and even got asked why i was buying bra's before i even came out trans by total strangers in the store i pass most of the time until i open my mouth because i still have a girls voice and stuff society is a bitch my friend fuck the haters i know tell people who say i am not a real boy that they are mistaken because i am not Pinocchio it lights the mood and makes me laugh through it
ifonlyuknewme 11 months ago
Thank you for introducing the term gender trauma! It fits very well with something that happened to me in high school, which was being kicked out of the girls locker room because I didn't look like a girl. I love your views on gender and I think you are revolutionary! Keep doing what your doing because its amazing.
Justcallmejacks 1 year ago
Hi. Wow, I felt horribly anxious listening to that, I can't imagine how awful that must have been :( I want to give you a big hug! Everyone experiences policing. The worst I have experienced I think, the most humiliating and frightening, is when men use sexual harassment as a way to (this is how I perceive it anyway) put you in your place if you are too forthright or confident. Some people seem to be able to deal with this behaviour and brush it off but for me...
TheVeganicWitch 1 year ago
...I see it as a continuum of sexual violence. It makes me feel I am being shown, in a way I cannot respond effectively to, that I am weak, and a worthless object.
TheVeganicWitch 1 year ago
God what a horrible experience. I'm so sorry that happened. I have this kind of gender trauma as well .. mostly related to how I'm constantly "outed" by family and friends even though I am perceived as male nowdays. It makes me so anxious being in social settings I end up inside the house mostly.
Elentaurel 1 year ago
How uncomfortable, awkward, and just wrong. I can relate to the social anxiety on so many levels. I've had pretty severe social anxiety since I was quite young. In some ways it's gotten much better since transition and other ways worse. Always a listening ear here if you ever wanna talk more about it.
MeikoEliasXavier 1 year ago
@MeikoEliasXavier thanks for your love and support :)
reesekelly 1 year ago
thansk I can relate and may be inspired to make a video. I've had lots of similiar instances, and many smaller. i believe there is a cumulative effect from the "lessor" instances that weilds a lot of power too.
leftarts 1 year ago
In relation to gender trauma, do you ever feel or have you ever felt a sort of "survivor's guilt" after transitioning b.c. it felt like you left your past and the friends of that past behind to move on to bigger and better things? Do you think this could be a video in itself and do you think other trans or gender variant people have gone through this?
niiogen 1 year ago
@niiogen I never even thought about this concept. No, I don't feel like I have "survivor's guilt" mostly because carrying the guilt that comes when you recognize privilege is not productive. In turn, I use my experience with transitioning and many of the privileges that come with it to try to enact social changes through education, advocacy, and mentorship.
reesekelly 1 year ago
I can't believe no one spoke up for you to help you out when management was clearly acting crazy. Unfortunately, they never seem to forbid things that they should, like the groping game all the dudes like to play, which you were trying to escape from. It must be because they consider dudes putting their hands all over you to be an "appropriate expression of gender".
PaigeRfromafar 1 year ago
Thank you for posting this video. I've been studying trauma this semester. Effects of social traumas are so interesting. When there are strong feelings of embarrassment/humiliation during an event, the trauma can be that much more devastating. Also, it can be confusing when effects don't seem to surface until years later. ...
PaigeRfromafar 1 year ago
@PaigeRfromafar yes...definitely confusing, to say the least...ha ha. thanks for your comments.
reesekelly 1 year ago
Great video. On an unrelated note, your hair grows HELLAS fast.
Zakabre18 1 year ago
@Zakabre18 I've been growing it out for about a year and a half now and it feels a little long. ha ha!
reesekelly 1 year ago
Sounds like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which is definitely understandable. I'm glad I was able to figure things out earlier and transition earlier so I dont have to deal with too much of that shit. I appreciate you sharing that and hope everything is going well in Vermont!
JayTeeNY12 1 year ago
i feel you. i remember feeling something like this in court. i appeared in court 16x between sept '09 & june '10. i've been living socially as male for almost three years- i'm not just gonna dress femme bc theyre gonna say my birth name. but... responding to my birth name, in a suit, in a room full of 200 people who all watched me walk up (some *clearly* whispered about me- others only know me outside the courtroom as only my chosen name...). i'd call this gender trauma as well.
xxthread 1 year ago
@xxthread totally. i'm sorry to hear about your experience.
reesekelly 1 year ago
This has been flagged as spam show
I <3 you. You know you can always call me or text me if you're feeling anxious in a crowd or anything.
abtompki 1 year ago
Thank you for sharing, and for introducing the phrase 'gender trauma,' which is exactly what it is. My school (a single-sex dump in Catholic, rural Ireland) adopted that kind of gender-policing as a matter of active policy, and I was on the receiving end of it for reasons that I still don't really understand today. All I know is that the very sight of that school makes me panicky and light-headed.
TheBoggoon 1 year ago
@TheBoggoon what sort of policing did they enact if you don't mind sharing?
reesekelly 1 year ago
@reesekelly Sorry, still new to youtube, so I didn't see that you had asked me something until just now. The teachers referred to me as a girl in class, and would use me as an example of how little boys should not behave, which in turn made the bullying from other kids worse; my parents found out at a parent-teacher meeting that the faculty were doing this deliberately because they were 'worried' about me. It still confuses me to this day, because I'm actually cis!
TheBoggoon 1 year ago
@reesekelly @reesekelly Sorry, still new to youtube, so I didn't see that you had asked me something until just now. The teachers referred to me as a girl in class, and would use me as an example of how little boys should not behave, which in turn made the bullying from other kids worse; my parents found out at a parent-teacher meeting that the faculty were doing this deliberately because they were 'worried' about me. It still confuses me to this day, because I'm actually cis!
TheBoggoon 1 year ago
@reesekelly Apologies, I thought my reply had posted. Perhaps 'policing' is a strong word, but teachers used to refer to me as a girl in class (because I had long hair and didn't have an interest in hurling), in order to demonstrate to the other kids how little boys were not supposed to behave. Even though I'm cis, I was made to feel like an 'intruder' in an all-male space, and it led to bullying outside of class.
TheBoggoon 1 year ago
That's awful but thanks for talking about it and actually calling it trauma. Pre-transition I appeared to be either androgynous or masculine so I went through a whole lot of that. It's hard for me to admit that it was actually painful in some way, though when I walk past a highschool, even though I've been graduated for 3 years, it's pretty obvious where my anxiety stems from.
suiway 1 year ago
Thanks for sharing this Reese. The male aggression, gender policing and associated punishments for non-conformity that goes on in gay (so-called 'queer') spaces is intense, problematic and too often downplayed.
trannytrent 1 year ago
damn that s so horrible!
noorderloos 1 year ago
Thank you! I have been through many similar situations, but I've never thought of them as "traumas" before. They certainly are. I have social anxiety that is certainly linked to the number of times I've been called out as too masculine (which I understood to mean that I wasn't attractive, despite men wanting, to my dismay, to sleep with me). I learned to use my body to protect myself (though it really didn't protect me emotionally). One fear of transitioning is that I will lose that ability.
hcomtois 1 year ago
@hcomtois I had some fears about that as well...that I'd lose that sort of female masculinity that kept me safe. I remember telling on of my partners early on in transition that she couldn't stick up for me because if she started yelling at some guy he'd turn around and punch me...the codes are different and it takes a while to get used to.
reesekelly 1 year ago
Yikes. I've only been to Necto on gay night.
That sounds so horrifying. I'm really sorry that you had to go through that :(. Maybe you should try talking to a therapist about it? Seems pretty traumatizing.
0HeyJude0 1 year ago
It may be an idea to find a good regression therapist and have a session. They will be able to take you back into that event in a safe space and guide you through processing the trauma/energy block and into a healing process. Send me a message if you'd like to ask any questions. I also do regression therapy with people, I'm not in the States, but I can answer some questions for you if your interested.
All the best, Luca
chanapanya 1 year ago
I was at a club n this gay guy walked up to me n insisted that I was a drag queen (cis female btw), he was dragging people up to me and just putting me on the spot, continually asking others if they agreed with him. His reasoning was that I was TOO beautiful to be real. It's made me feel as though I look like I man, sound like a man n maybe my body is shaped like a man's. Although all my friends think I am crazy for thinking those things, this random stranger gave me a complex
Thesadsadgame 1 year ago 2
that's horrifically traumatic. he recognized his error and still made you leave? oh, wow. this reminds me of the humiliation caused by similar gender policing that a guy named matt spoke about - he's mmdmatt84, and the video is "Complications -- embarrassing times at the hot springs."
sneetchinflux 1 year ago
@sneetchinflux Thanks for your comment and for the video suggestion. I'll have to check that out :)
reesekelly 1 year ago
@noneoftheabove88 ooh, i completely agree with you here.
sneetchinflux 1 year ago
that situation sounds mortifying. I have lived through situations like that so many times, but never that severe in terms of the size of the crowd and them practically spotlighting you! Horrific.
I'm read as a butch lesbian 90% of the time (and that is how i live my life, even though I know that I am male) and I live in fear of basic things like going up to the counter in a department store etc for fear that they will get confused about my gender and cause an embarrassing situation :S
dimidarko79 1 year ago
@dimidarko79 that's so frustrating. :(
sneetchinflux 1 year ago