Growing Up (Extreme) Christian - Part Five

[leet3lite]

Damn. I can't watch part 4. GEMA hasn't granted rights to watch SME music content in Germany, so the video is blocked. :-(

[XandarsMeteor]

@leet3lite I put it up on vimeo for that reason, the link should be in the description. Hopefully it works! Let me know if it doesn't and we'll find a way. Cheers!

[Buddhuzlefthandman]

Watched all 5 parts today .. thanks for sharing :)

[XandarsMeteor]

@Buddhuzlefthandman I'm glad you enjoyed the vids and the story. I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now as I just moved back to Seattle, but I'll be back soon. Cheers for now!

[travlr3000x]

This was a great series. I can relate to your story a lot. My "fuck god" moment came when my parents gave me the spare the rod and spoil the child/ honor thy father and thy mother talk for the 10,000th time after turning my stepdad in for cracking my sister's rib. I find the world a bit easier to understand without all the imaginary friend/ they're in a better place/ god works in mysterious ways mumbo jumbo. Great vids on this channel. Keep up the good work ;)

[XandarsMeteor]

@travlr3000x I'm glad you enjoyed it and that it meant something (as an insider of sorts). I never thought about the spankings when I was a kid: it was just a part of life. Now, I wonder how anyone could ever strike a child, whether out of "love" or anger. I still lose my temper with my dog from time to time, but I try VERY hard not to hit him since I know it's not helpful to him or me. It just hurts him and makes me feel like an ass.

I will surely keep making videos. Take care!

[270Chicago]

Fuck you for telling my story.

Fuck you for making me cry.

Fuck you for understanding all of your pain.

Fuck you for saving my life.

Thank you.

[XandarsMeteor]

@270Chicago My pleasure.

[artgoat]

Oh, Lords. I grew up in Tulsa, eight miles from ORU. That place wasn't nearly religious enough for some of my high school classmates. I remember one who threw a fit every time we had readings in Latin that involved "false gods." He eventually dropped out of public school to go to a Bible school. He probably saw me as a disciple of the horned one after I pointed out that the shoes he bought were named after an aspect of the Greek goddess Athena (Nike). Life down Alice's rabbit hole. Heh.

[XandarsMeteor]

@artgoat I don't think they could be too religious since they were trying, more than any other endeavor, to make money. I had a few classmates from high school go off to Bob Jones University, which was more in tune with what could be called "too religious." I also have had friends (and one ex-gf) that went to Baptist Bible College (I think...so many in Springfield, MO). Lots of stories from those places...all of them detrimental to being a healthy human being mentally (and some physically).

[gethsoftware]

wow xandars. you where an asshole. but i so was i. i was not grown in especialy fundementalist home. but my parents still pretty much brainwashed me. that, and the religion teachers.

[XandarsMeteor]

@gethsoftware Oh, don't I know it! I'm not proud of my past actions and interactions with others at all and as I said, I can only blame my upbringing and indoctrination so far before I have to accept that I was just an asshole. I couldn't figure out the balance between self-interest and selfishness. I've been better to myself and others over the last couple of years, but I still struggle sometimes.

[TomMSTie1138]

No-no man, THANK YOU!!!

[XandarsMeteor]

@TomMSTie1138 :) It honestly is my pleasure. I'd still be doing these even if no one was watching, but knowing there are those that are watching helps me ensure I don't slack off. I've wanted to tell my story for years and years, but never did it...now I'm doing it and people actually care. I'm speechless when I realize that fact. So, thank you yet again.

[TomMSTie1138]

@XandarsMeteor Don't be hogging all the pleasure! j/k  I intensely loved this series and wait with bated breath for the next installment to My (Roaring) 20s, and the subsequent Deconversion series. I'm already making playlists. :)

[XandarsMeteor]

@TomMSTie1138 Sweetsauce! And okay, okay, you can have some pleasure, too. :)

[TheSolitudinarian]

Quite the heartfelt story. I have no idea how it would feel to go through a suicide like that, especially when you're in ties with religious thinking. Somehow I recognized bits and pieces, thing we go through in life - specifically puberty in combination with the questions "Why?" and "What's my purpose in life?". General questions all of us might ask during our lives. To some it's easier to except how things are or delude themselves, I however never seem to move on from the why and how.

[XandarsMeteor]

@TheSolitudinarian Even with the crazy indoctrination, I still had to experience life and growing up...just with an added level of mystery and b.s.

I also get stuck on the why and how a lot. Recently, I figured out that the why is less important than the what. As in, "Why am I here?" vs "What am I going to do with my life right now, today?" That helped me determine to move back to Seattle as soon as I realistically can and get on with my life. Very helpful to view life as what, not why.

[TheSolitudinarian]

@XandarsMeteor But, but.. that added level. If I haven't seen things like the old school Japanese Godzilla or played with my G.I. Joe's or Ninja Turtles. I wouldn't have such a retrospective look on things and enjoy them with the same people of my generation. I'd feel depraved of joy and probably be even more of a mess then I'm now. Perhaps that's just hindsight talking. :)

Why is probably an early question one would ask. I'm still unsure of the 'what' at this point.

[XandarsMeteor]

@TheSolitudinarian Luckily, I was slightly sneaky as a kid. Although my mom forbade many things, my friends' parents weren't so nutty. That meant that when I was out of sight of my mom, I was able to experience most of the things that our generation now waxes nostalgic over. I didn't miss out completely, just had to keep it quiet as a kid.

The "what" comes as you follow your passions, I think. I have a few things I'd like to experience and those things are my "what's" now. How? However I can.

[TheSolitudinarian]

@XandarsMeteor I'm glad you've got to experience it. I understood from your video that your mom was like this super helicopter hover mom. Hehe, I know the type. "Nothing slips my radar".

Without further ado, thanks for the sharing and I'm sure I'll comment more as things progress. :)

So far, I'm subbed to both your channels and not to forget that LivingDinosaur lead me here. I'm sure you've received a influx of subs right about now. Hope you can keep up with the comments too.

[XandarsMeteor]

@TheSolitudinarian Ha ha ha. I actually decided to keep up with comments today and then I'll have to figure out if a video will suffice for thanking everyone. I'm used to going to each channel and thanking everyone individually...it was tough when I got 80 or so on a couple of days...300 (and counting) is rather daunting. We'll see.

Thanks for the sub to the other channel as well, it's a project under construction, but I wanted to do "raw" videos so I could post quickly if need be.

[TheSolitudinarian]

@XandarsMeteor I'm sure if you keep things focused to a specific topic, you'll have a better way to respond to comments through a video. The series you have going now is a good way to understand where you're coming from, so it's a good start. With just commenting on feedback alone will provide you with loads of content.

You've been asking for things to talk about as well, but at the moment nothing comes to mind. I'm eager, however, to hear more about your story. :)

[XandarsMeteor]

@TheSolitudinarian I have (unintentionally) fallen into a weekly upload schedule for my main story, so although I MAY pick up the pace if I can handle it, it may actually be another 7 weeks before the final chapter of my latest series. We shall see.

As for other content for the other channel, since it's unscripted and off-the-cuff for the most part, I think I'll get there...and eventually, I'll be making all-original content that matches the caliber you see over here, I hope.

[TheSolitudinarian]

@XandarsMeteor No pressure at least. Rambling is fine as well. Oh and vent if you must. x)

[XandarsMeteor]

@TheSolitudinarian I finally got a copy of Sony Vegas, so I need to learn it and what better way than take one of my rambling videos over there and mess with it? As for venting...I think that will happen decently often. :)

[HarryKeightley]

Wow. Really heartfelt and very interesting to watch. Thanks for sharing this story with us. I think the reason why I'm so engrossed in these videos is it's an upbringing completely different to mine.It's quite scary realising just how important a childs upbringing is and how it can influence them and also has made me look back on my childhood and how I sometimes take it for granted and definitely should not!I'm 17 now and I'm even more thankful that my parents never pushed any beliefs on me, TY!

[XandarsMeteor]

@HarryKeightley Thank you and I'm glad you enjoyed the vids.

I have found that the appeal of my videos is for those looking through the window, it's so strange and unreal. While for those on the other side of the glass with me see the parallels to their own lives. There are SO many of "us" out here, I don't think people realize it. I didn't until I came on here and started making videos. I'm glad you were free from the beliefs and given the chance to grow up without gods clouding your view.

[HistorySkeptic]

man i really enjoyed your "Growing Up" series, it's very thorough and i like that, because one really can't understand the drama of leaving a religion without all the human context. I'm looking forward to the deconversion series!

[XandarsMeteor]

@HistorySkeptic Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Your series was most excellent. Cheers!

[bobsmeerfak]

Just caught the Amish Rumspringa image -- it's an extreme example but it's the perfect analogy for what happens when you first leave a fundamentalist religion and try to function in the real world. Have you seen the documentary "Devil's Playground"? Check it out.

[XandarsMeteor]

@bobsmeerfak Yeah, I never really REBELLED!!!!! It was just civil disobedience for the most part. :)

I have not seen that documentary, but I'll grab a copy this week to watch.

Sidenote: did I forget to PM you back? If so, I'm sorry...very sorry...but let me know. Cheers!

[bobsmeerfak]

@XandarsMeteor No way, you didn't forget -- I PM'd you to say I hadn't had a chance to reply to your last PM but that I was about to, so you've got a PM coming from me today or tomorrow. And if all that's not confusing enough we could speculate about quantum mechanics for a while. Btw, I predict you'll love Devil's Playground (make sure it's the documentary, not the other Australian movie of the same name).

[XandarsMeteor]

@bobsmeerfak I love that reaction: NO WAY, DON'T SEND ANOTHER TOME, OH GOD, PLEASE, NO MORE!!!! :)

Talking about quantum mechanics could be cool...or we could just observe ourselves talking about it and change the course of our own histories...wait, futures....ah, blast it.

One of my side jobs is filling in at a video store (one of the few hundred left in the US), so I'll see if we have it. If not, there's always the internets. :)

[bobsmeerfak]

@XandarsMeteor Ha! No, I'm stalling on my own PM because I can't find a publisher yet. When I write 80,000 words I at least want a decent advance.... Wow - people still watch actual DVDs? How quaint :)

[XandarsMeteor]

@bobsmeerfak Ha ha ha! I get that. I've written so many "failed" projects in the past couple of months and when I look at what I have to go through for this series...sweet mother of Mary Magdalene!

Backwater, poor people that still call the internet the Information Superhighway or the World Wide Web...damn cowpokes and hillrats. (I can say it because I would have been one if we never got out of this shithole, right?)

[bobsmeerfak]

@XandarsMeteor That happens to you too? I write so many starts for every project that actually gets legs that I have to get used to a full wastebasket - we'll talk. I'm not going to ask you what your series is going to be about but I'll be excited to see it.

Dude - I can speak of the hill people with impunity myself - I'm originally from rural Indiana (great people there) where there has been land in the family name since 1850... Sheesh, talk about force-fed traditions, good god.

[XandarsMeteor]

@bobsmeerfak Indiana/Southern Ohio. We're probably related....oh dear.

As for my unfinished projects? Some of them actually had a part one posted up on my channel...just couldn't get a part two or a second one going. Inspiration is like an ex-girlfriend: (cont)

[XandarsMeteor]

@XandarsMeteor You think that you have a chance after that "just friends" movie, but when you pull up to her place, she just jumps out of the car and goes inside alone...then she calls you to talk about what went wrong with the relationship and you think there's a chance again, then she tells you the problems she's having with her new boyfriend. Grrrr...

[JaviFairground]

Thank you again for sharing your story. It has been interesting to follow and a continuation would be very much welcomed. :)

[XandarsMeteor]

@JaviFairground Thank you and a continuation shall be forthcoming. I'm already reading through the hundreds and hundreds of writings I have from the last 14 years or so to get into the mindset...might take a while to get part 1 up, but I'll do my best.

[June28July]

Great stuff! Can't wait for more, especially the de-conversion story.

[XandarsMeteor]

@June28July I hope I can make the deconversion story interesting...I think it will be a historical look at my beliefs since it was a rather quick process. But I have the gift of gab, so I can make it last, I'm sure. :)

[ILYIAB]

Looking forward to the next series. Hope it won't be too long.

[XandarsMeteor]

@ILYIAB Too long in length or time before I get it going? :) I broke my pattern of putting up a video between each of the 5 parts of this series (part 3 and 4 were done almost at the same time). I have plans already for a short video I'll put up this coming weekend or shortly after (nieces in town), then if all goes well, the series about my 20's will be after that (hopefully part 1 will be up by next weekend).

[ILYIAB]

@XandarsMeteor The length is fine. Just want to hear the rest. I'm writing a book about my exodus. Keep the good work up.

[XandarsMeteor]

@ILYIAB I'm tempted to do the same thing...why not, right? I'll start work on it next week as I forgot this weekend is actually full of shenanigans and goings-on. Cheers!

[ILYIAB]

@XandarsMeteor Wanna collaborate? PM me.

[XandarsMeteor]

@ILYIAB After I'm done with my next two series, I'll PM you. If you don't hear from me, it's because I'm getting old and can't remember anything, so hit me up. :)

[LittleTownInNorway]

Thank You mate, you got some great talent.

[XandarsMeteor]

@LittleTownInNorway Thank you! Glad you enjoyed the series.

[mxmsfuyt]

Great series, probably one of the better ones I've seen on this topic believe it or not.  Your honesty about what you were going through and what it was doing to you and others around you really add to the depth. I look forward to watching more that you do in the future. I only wish more people knew about this channel. :(

[XandarsMeteor]

@mxmsfuyt Thanks for the kind words! I'm glad you enjoyed the series and I hope my future videos keep everyone's interest. As for more people knowing about my channel: I hope they do eventually, but honestly, I am doing this so I can move beyond my past and embrace this new world without a belief in god muddying the waters. I don't know what type of vids I'll make after my next two series, but I hope they remain engaging and interesting. Cheers!

[emancoy]

@XandarsMeteor after having your first sex, you prayed with her? And you felt guity?

my first sex , my entry reads, "Thank you GOD!!"

[XandarsMeteor]

@emancoy Total Brainwashing is total. :)

It wasn't that I didn't WANT to have sex...just that I was planning on saving it for marriage...you know, the CHRISTIAN way! lol...such bullshit.

[June28July]

@emancoy

Was this pre-marital sex?

[emancoy]

@June28July yes, especially that my first girlfriend was so hot that I couldn't believe my luck at that time.

[June28July]

@emancoy

Isn't pre-marital sex a sin? God helped you sin?

[emancoy]

@June28July I prayed so hard to have a sexual experience, and I got what I prayed for. So it happened with God's approval.

[emancoy]

@June28July It happened when I was still believe in christianity. But even the incident that appears a confirmation of a deity actually answering my prayers, it also contradicts the same god that set up the biblical rules having premarital sex as a sin. But being a fucked up chrisitan at the time. I did feel guilty after all the euphoria wore out, even for the fact that I know that I did something wrong, it just didn't feel like it.

[XandarsMeteor]

@emancoy I understand that situation very well. I still feel guilty for "sinning" sometimes, and when I realize I'm justified in my actions (not harming anyone or myself), I get a bit angry and then cool off when I remember, I'm only a few months on the other side of my deconversion. As another YouTuber, thebirdyfulone, says, "The deprogramming takes awhile."

[June28July]

@emancoy

I know that feeling: I remember when I was Christian, I'd 'sin' with a chick and put everything about my religion in the back of my mind. AFTER all was said and done, I'd ask for forgiveness! LOL! Nowadays, it baffles me why such a mostly victimless crime could be considered a sin. I mean, it doesn't contribute to human suffering. Leave it up to the creator of THE UNIVERSE to concern himself (yeah, God has a gender... somehow) with what two people do in their bedroom.

[FF7Master]

Just wow, I really enjoyed hearing your story. I'll still be around watching whatever else you decide to upload. =]

[XandarsMeteor]

@FF7Master Good! I'm glad it could entertain.

[PaleoSteno]

Very nice. I look forward to the next series!

[XandarsMeteor]

@PaleoSteno I'm sure I can find enough for another series, but I'm just wondering if it will be as interesting. Guess we'll see. :)

[Drexyify]

This entire series was brilliant, I admire your honesty so much!!!

[XandarsMeteor]

@Drexyify Thanks so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'll do my best to keep your interest as I move on to a new series.

[VekinHighwalker]

Great! Peace,xander

[XandarsMeteor]

@VekinHighwalker Glad you enjoyed it!

[h8red42]

this has been a good series,shits were given.

[XandarsMeteor]

@h8red42 Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the shits.

[h8red42]

@XandarsMeteor Any time! = )

[Kindertautenleider]

Let go of regret, you are the things you have done in life, owning up to it is a good start. Just strive to be better now, and always. Brutal honesty

Great series, thank you for sharing this.

[XandarsMeteor]

@Kindertautenleider Brutal honesty is what I've been trying to do for myself while working through this series. Saying goodbye to a past that has haunted me for so long is painful. As screwed up as it sounds, I like some of my wounds...but I know I must let them heal so I can be a complete person again and not tied down to the horrors of yesteryear. One day at a time.

And thank you.

[XandarsMeteor]

@tiberianhorde I'm glad it's not all a horror story. It sounds like you did a good job along the way when you could, though. For that, be grateful (as I'm sure you are). Cheers.

[HarrysSecret]

Dude... get your butt back to college. I did.

Same subject choice too!

Spooky....

[XandarsMeteor]

@HarrysSecret I know, I know. :) I've been thinking about it and want to go back for astronomy or Philosophy. Luckily, I've got experience in the IT field, so that can pay the bills and I can do college for interest only instead of planning a career for after. We'll see.

[genext7]

omg. My relationships/sex life was the same way. I screwed up so many relationships becasue I was so retarded in my thinking. I would pray and cry too after messin around with girls. I felt so guilty. But I mean WTF, Im a man, with tendencies that supposedly God gave me. Why the heck would i feel ashamed...such foolish brainwashing. Sad about the whole situation with your GF, but at least you dropped God. Lookin forward 2 more. I went to a Christian school too...YAY reinforced fantasy!

[XandarsMeteor]

@genext7 Amazing how powerful guilt is. Guess that's why they use it so much starting at such a young age. I am ALMOST beyond worrying about making my parents proud. I think within a few months, I'll be over it.

I don't mind having lost the gf: it was a really shitty relationship full of distrust, anger, and lust. There was zero substance. I only wish I would have ended it sooner. Oh well, onward I go.

[METALLICA6547]

@XandarsMeteor SO WHATS NEXT FOR XANDER? have you told yourfamily yet, are you going to film that, i know that could be a bit personal, but that would be a great vid to put out just to show people the actual event of coming out! just a thought! this was a really good series dude! peace

[XandarsMeteor]

@METALLICA6547 I have plans to get out of Ohio within 3 months. So the question is, Am I planning on telling them before I leave? I don't honestly know. And, although I agree that it is rather personal, I was planning on recording the discussion anyway...maybe not video, but we'll see.

As for what's next? I'm thinking I have a few nuggets from my 20's that deserve some mention. If nothing else, a visit to the psychology of that kid from this series experiencing the world and learning oh so much

[METALLICA6547]

@XandarsMeteor yeah its a bit personal i agree, if you put it you do if you dont i respect that to,i didnt know you were in ohio,i live in indiana, not to far off, ill be here till my death im sure! well good luck dude!

[sensur1]

I really enjoy these videos. Makes me tempted to start making my own videos

[XandarsMeteor]

@sensur1 Thanks and let me know if you do!

[XandarsMeteor]

@tiberianhorde Wow. I had a train track outside my house when I was 3 and all I wanted to do was sit by the window and watch them roll by. I'm sorry that path led you to so much pain. Be well and take care.

[Veldrynvs]

This story confirms my suspicions, that sexuality is the fastest path away from religion. No matter your indoctrination level, once you enter the emotionally intense realm of intimate relationships, the idea of God gradually becomes a nuisance. Religious figures know this fact very well. Long ago, a priest told me, without trying to be ironic, that sexuality (outside of marriage) is dangerous, because it can make us love a person much more than God. This explanation sounded kinda suspicious...

[XandarsMeteor]

@Veldrynvs It was a very strong theme in my household and church as well. I got in trouble by my mom once for "sitting too close" to my girlfriend at church. I don't know where my mom got her crazed thinking other than comparing it to a rabid badger protecting her young, but it was VERY oppressive when my parents finally realized I knew what to do with that fleshy thing between my legs.

But, yes, deciding to ignore god and leave college for a girl.....sigh.

[Veldrynvs]

@XandarsMeteor

Ignoring God for a girl is almost like choosing a blowjob over a rough session of self flagellation.

[XandarsMeteor]

@Veldrynvs That self flagellation would have got me to finish my degree right then and there, though. So, yeah, it's really a toss up considering in the end, I didn't have either a healthy relationship with my girlfriend or a college degree under my belt. C'est la vie.

[62netty]

I'm looking forward to the next series. Thanks for sharing these personal experiences.

[XandarsMeteor]

@62netty And thank you for watching. I'll get typing. :)

[oliethefolie]

I am really looking forward to the next series.

[XandarsMeteor]

@oliethefolie And I hope it lives up to everyone's hopes. Thanks, Olie.

[managarm1349]

talk about fucked up haha

[XandarsMeteor]

@managarm1349 Exactly! I still remember that moment and as embarrassing as it is to talk about it, it's just funny as hell!

[deathtris]

From sheltered loser to two girlfriends? I have just two words: teach me!

[XandarsMeteor]

@deathtris Ha ha ha! I've been told by ex-girlfriends that there is just "something" about me that drew them to me...something they couldn't explain...so I guess you could just work on being more mysterious and let the good times roll. :)

[Shangori]

I'd almost ask you to write this stuff down 'seriously'. I'm not a big fan of books, but I'd read this, absolutely.

The main thing that I'm jealous of, is the fact that you are able to remember so clearly. The time where I was at my lowest.. I kinda forgot completely. For the life of me, I cannot remember it at all. Makes me angry at times.

Xandar, this is def a reason for me to subscribe and keep following you. Again, thanks for sharing and I do hope telling is relieving you as well

[XandarsMeteor]

@Shangori As I write all of this down, I find more snippets of memory that don't make it into the videos. So the possibility to eventually be a "serious" version in book form is very real since there is so much more to tell. I guess I need to start writing more, huh? My memory is spotty for periods of time, but when I can find at least one thing from one of those gaps, I can find more...lucky brain, I guess.

I'm glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the sub and I hope you keep enjoying the vids!

[saxmanchiro]

I hope many theists can learn from your pain. Great stuff.

[XandarsMeteor]

@saxmanchiro Thank you! As I said below, I may rewrite this eventually into an "educational" series dedicated to getting through to those that are still stuck in the environment I went through. We'll see.

[itishere]

Thanks for sharing Xandar. That was quite a story indeed.

All i can really say about it is you really didn't deserve any of that crap. :(

*Hugs*

I really hope things get/have gotten better.

Peace and happiness to you. :)

[XandarsMeteor]

@itishere *Hugs* back at you and thank you. :)

Things are getting better, so this isn't all for naught at least. One day at a time, right?

[PatronizingBastard]

This series was utterly brilliant, and helped a lot with a bit of coping with my life in the past. To know there is a point at which someone could relate, just brilliant, and thanks for everthing. A ton. Cheers

[XandarsMeteor]

@PatronizingBastard Thank you and I'm glad it helped! There are so many out there that went through this and so many that haven't made it through yet. For me, this series has helped me get past a few obstacles I've been running into for years and has nearly brought the light back to my mind so I can move forward in this life with clarity and understanding. I hope it does the same for others.

[PatronizingBastard]

@XandarsMeteor It has for me, and I hope it to all others as well. I cannot thank you enough, you are making a real difference, thanks so much mate. Cheers, good luck.

[XandarsMeteor]

@PatronizingBastard Good luck to us all! Cheers.

[MasterOhSo]

Absolutely wonderful...having not lived a life anything like yours I still felt a real understanding at some of those moments, you caught the words I have said to myself...it certainly is lonely at the top with everyone turning to you for some pearl of wisdom. Looking forward to your continuing, unfolding story...thanks for the sharing, peace be with.

[XandarsMeteor]

@MasterOhSo Thank you, Master. (You just like how that sounds, don't you? lol)

I suppose I was intelligent enough to be seen as a guide to others, but, like we both said, it's lonely when we can't find our own swami up on a higher peak to help guide us. I've always been good at giving advice, but haven't been so good at listening to my own advice. I guess I'm sort of a lost shepherd with no flock of my own.

[homeofbrokendreams]

Fell in love with Mary while having a girlfriend back in Ohio? You're serious, man? I love your series but sometimes it makes me wonder, "wow, what a life". I'm looking forward to the next season of XM's life story.

[XandarsMeteor]

@homeofbrokendreams Yeah...I didn't explain it clearly in the video, but the relationship I had with the girl in Ohio was horribly broken and built initially on lust and ultimately on a sense of "doing the right thing" by continuing the relationship because we had sex and I was committed to only having sex with a wife. I was taught abstinence and when we had sex, I thought I needed to marry her. Like I said, horribly broken and unhealthy. Ignoring Ohio, my relationship w/ Mary was healthy.

[Hyardacil]

Great series. Very honest. I imagine it still takes some courage to just spill it all, even if you have the convenient anonymity of the internet.

[XandarsMeteor]

@Hyardacil Thanks! Interestingly, if anyone that remotely knows me watched even one of my videos, they would know exactly who I am. I've intentionally shared more than I initially wanted to for just that purpose. We'll see what happens if/when the time comes that my YT life bleeds into my real life.

[citrusponge]

Enjoyed the series a lot, thanks.

[XandarsMeteor]

@citrusponge I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for watching.

[notinmyname2050]

Another one that goes straight into my Favourites. Keep up the great work and I assure you, we give a shit. :)

[XandarsMeteor]

@notinmyname2050 Thanks, Shane. I appreciate all the encouragement you have given me and I'm glad you give a shit...just gift wrap it, if you could. :)

[mythicalhell]

Great video(I can relate to some of it ie the religious aspects). Very much looking forward to the next series. :)

[XandarsMeteor]

@mythicalhell I'm tempted to rewrite the whole series as an "educational" series for current believers since there are so many atheists that can relate, but so many more that still believe that could relate and may find some answers. I guess I'm still that swami on the mountain at least a bit.

Oh, and thanks. :)

[steviemgallacher]

Thanks for sharing.

[XandarsMeteor]

@steviemgallacher No problem and thank you.

[HelloPhixy]

Looking forward to you other series :)

[XandarsMeteor]

@HelloPhixy Thanks, Phixy. I hope they keep everyone's interest. :)

[HelloPhixy]

@XandarsMeteor Well, I love these videos. My favorite series on YT :)

[viicISrotcib]

I think everyone hates their past, lol, but then again if you could change something would it really affect who you are today?

[XandarsMeteor]

@viicISrotcib It's a constant battle in my mind. Would I be who I am if I had a different past? No. But do I like who I am? Not especially.

I lament the innocence I lost and the situations that I let spin out of control or the opportunities I let slip through my fingers due to lack of understanding. I didn't do a good enough job in this video talking about the psychology of what I was thinking, so there may need to be an addendum...we'll see.

[agamimnon423]

Thanks for the story.



[XandarsMeteor]

@agamimnon423 My pleasure. Thanks for watching.

[bonnie43uk]

Excellent compliation of images that compliment your story, wonderfully told.

[XandarsMeteor]

@bonnie43uk Thank you! Finding the images is the most time-consuming part of the process, but worth it to get the right pictures to reflect the words.

[yodeboubtripin]

Great videos, keep them comming.

[XandarsMeteor]

@yodeboubtripin Thank you and I shall do so.