sam #78 - transition thoughts again...

[Ohanapecosh87]

Good luck with all this, it's tough when you're surrounded by all the various socially constructed "identities," "labels," etc. Recently, I've been feeling like I need to change my name, which is freaking me out to no end. Because that was kind of the one thing I was never going to do, because I really love my given name. And the name I'd pick is Benjamin, which seems so unlike me, but also very much like me. I don't know. I'm just confused. Anyway, great video, and I hope you're doing well :)

[Zedie36]

i feel your angst buddy. hang in there. oh how i wish we could spend an afternoon hanging out and talking.

[videokidsam]

oh wouldn't that be amazing?!? sigh... some day i hope. i seriously think it would help us both. maybe you can magically come to jackson's gender odyssey thingie at the end of the summer? how are you doing these days? HUG.

[Cyntillation01]

Hi Sam!

I hope your surgery goes well and they get to the root of the problem and they can offer you some real solutions.

Hope you're feeling better soon.

Peace and hugs,

Cynthia

[videokidsam]

thanks, cynthia!

[CodyOriole]

Good luck with the surgery, and I hope you can figure things out afterwards.

Do whatever you need to do, to get comfortable with your body; and work out everything else as you go along. That's what I'm doing, because it's the only thing that makes sense so far.

if other people ask, just tell them the truth! You're uncomfortable, and you're trying to fix it. If they don't understand something so simple, then that's their problem, not yours.

Good luck, whatever you end up doing =)

[videokidsam]

thanks, dude. wise words. it shouldn't have to be this complicated, its all about finding that comfortable space. good luck to you too!

[tunafluff]

I've had some of those, 'when things are different in the future' kind of thoughts recently. I've applied for some new jobs and I just keep thinking that i could sort of have a fresh start soon.

[videokidsam]

yeah that makes a lot of sense. a new space without folks with preconceptions of who you are and what you should be... *achem* like in california?!? :)

[tunafluff]

@videokidsam One of the jobs I applied for is in southern california.

[videokidsam]

@tunafluff :) :) :) that's closer...

[Dweebiedo]

About your statement about friends questioning your motivation. It's not their business, it's only your business. As far as I can see, your motivation is to alleviate your almost constant dysphoria. I'd hate to see you continue questioning your own desires based on having to explain your motives to people who are supposed to be your friends. Does it bother you that they would question your motivation, or do you want to have an ironclad answer to offer them? Why is it an issue?

[videokidsam]

you hit the nail on the head, dweeb! yes, it bothers me that they would question me & that my answer would be somewhat complicated to explain. i just want people to see it how i see it. i do not like the body i have, therefore i want to change it to be more comfortable & what is this concept of MAN anyway? i want other people to see it how i talk about it in my video (#79). i feel like i am neither male nor female and i just want to change the shell my genderqueer self resides in so why can't i?

[viewhue]

@videokidsam Exactly: why can't you? And if you happen to end up somewhere where people don't exactly realise the full extentions of your self either, and don't see you exactly like you see yourself, well, what loss is there compared to now? It's not like anyone wears a full label of contents on their sleeve. Do what you can to feel as much like your inner you in your outer you, as much like what you want to be and what you truly are.

[videokidsam]

@viewhue - thanks for the comment. i guess its just hard to show the inner me on the outside when i am so genderqueer. but i know i will find that balance. i feel like once the hysto happens and the top surgery i will be so much more comfortable and clear-minded to make the T or not decision.

[radicalindisguise]

<3 and support from Ontario, Canada

[videokidsam]

thanks. :)