Report: Nobody's Heard From David Blaine In A While, Somebody Should Probably Check If He Died

[squarerabbits]

hey Onion, you guys spelled Clairemont wrong

[squarerabbits]

right now: writing to pmarks@bostonuniversity.edu in regard to getting hit in the balls with a goddamned dirt clod

[zzyzx0788]

That part about the dirt clod in the balls made me crack up

[TheGrasshugger]

Debra Mureen is hot

[TheCaphits]

It would be funnier without all the swears, because it gives away the fakeness of it all.

There is not one person in the comments who thinks this is real, as opposed to many of their other shows.

[SicSlaver]

@TheCaphits They used to do that, but people thought they were boring. Look up earlier similar ones with a different sounding announcer and look at all the complaints.

[roltthehunter]

David Blaine is the man watch his TED talk he is such a boss.

[sonnenlandschule]

@LostMySauce ....Buu! i know how it spells...its just "chatShit"....and WTs the point?..omg! this ameriKKan "humor".... :s

[pacemaker2point0]

@sonnenlandschule Maybe you should stay away from The Onion if you don't get the humor.

[WillTrollForTatertot]

Dr P Marks.

[SongbirdFlying]

If limestone became our money system, us Texans would be the richest people on earth

[Tw1St3DSt33L]

Pain is temporary...Glory lasts forever. Go big or go home

[TheInvisibleTribe]

damn..wish i lived in boston. I'd love to volunteer.

[sonnenlandschule]

Mother fucking amerikans! disgusting people.....

[LostMySauce]

@sonnenlandschule You know it's spelled "America," right? Bush actually didn't change it to Amerika

[faladith]

@sonnenlandschule das ist nur nen witz, arschloch

[TheNickMorris]

1:49 Eiknarf!

[yuukisama2001]

Hmmm, I wonder what species the "Goddamn Tree" branch comes from. I want one.

[JDaKingman]

Debra Mureen needs to to get slapped in the mouth with my goddamn penis

[DylAlitY]

P. Marks xD

pee marks

lawl

[sgtCbb]

wat

[AvatarAMVStyles]

I don't know who Debra Mureen is, but I could stand to see a little more.

[caddiemo90]

@mikaelminyun123 shut up....

[generalaone]

Title seemed funny then you write the same exact thing on the video and make it 2 seconds long? Thumbs down

[KuanDeedee]

@generalaone I think thats part of the satire, oh and you are asking for thumbs down?

[edassan22]

he will be back once blainetology is fully matured.

[mobob70]

Searchin david blaine right now

[Oldasiankid]

@kitsune7 No one likes Obama anyways. He probably has like 10 supporters, all of them being terrorists waiting for Obama to cause the nation to collapse on itself.

[niggaplease1219]

@Oldasiankid That's really ignorant. I guarantee that you're a redneck. I don't really agree with Obama's policies, as I'm more of a libertarian, you have to admit, he's way better than bush ever was.

[Zooligable]

@niggaplease1219 right, left. Bush, Obama. Hitler, Stalin. Tyrant, dictator.

get it yet?

[kitsune720]

The Onion: 1000x more funny without Brooke Alvarez. ^_^b

[sookieproductionTV]

@kitsune720 I know. She kinda ruins it.

[bollocks2who]

@kitsune720 I know right, where the hell is that brunette lady or that old man? Now that Onion news has come to television, the cool people left. *SIGH*

[MrRicarium]

@kitsune720 I disagree, I love her.

[Casna101]

@kitsune720

I love Brooke! She is so funny...

[franjooo]

youtube.com/watch?feature=play­er_embedded&v=H6tnkF6_IPI



[Dilyaev]

shitty graphitty artist

[wolflordy]

400 unsuspecting volunteers

how can you be a volunteer if you were unsuspecting?

[donothack]

@wolflordy well u could be dumb and be a volunteer without urself knowing lol thats how it happened

[angelmoonie]

@wolflordy you didn't know what you were volunteering for

[zeppelin2224]

It's impossible for Obama to dumb anything he says down. It's already at the lowest possible level of human ability and comprehension.

[mrbadx19]

obama dumb things down? his "base" is the unemployed and uneducated!

he made it clear, he ain't gonna "court" the white working class in 2012, maybe obama can relate to foreign vegetables, after he bows down to them!

[Agatahnai]

Debra Mureen is gorgeous!

[yakuza941]

The family picture bit was hilarious.

[str8out]

That branch hit all of his face except his mouth.

[MikeSugs]

The Land Before Time V! :O

[RoundenBrown]

0:35

Asian Woodrow Wilson?

[DickCheneyXX]

@RoundenBrown Asian Anderson Cooper IMO.

[tubester4567]

Haha It would be funny if they crowbar'd open some chests and they found David Blaine's skeleton.

[Jh5kRadio]

I am looking forward to meeting you, Mr President.

Sincerely,

British Asparagus.

[DickCheneyXX]

I preferred the stabbing study. Maybe the subjects don't but its for science.

[VelaToNorma7]

@DickCheneyXX Chunk Norris gets cream pied.

[someoneON]

Im from Slovenia and i find this hilarious.

[ReploideY]

I've checked... I cannot tell for sure if he's dead... but he certainly has eaten his own face.

[StatelessEuphoria]

Maybe someone should check on Clifford Banes too. That guy hasn't hosted his show in years....

[Javimonotheism]

I could not stop laughing at the part when, "A burglar makes sure to break the glass of a family portrait before leaving" hahah I love you Onion

[akai454]

SOME SHIT WE THINK WE WERE SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT SOME WHERE.

[9pinkyandthebrain]

i love when people make fun of hipsters. it was funny to me before it was cool

[StaightJoc]

This was the unfunniest Onion webisode yet. Good effort though.

[MutimirRX]

I think America would do well to elect a vegetable can't be any worse then previous admins.

[bafmd]

I only have TWO green capsules!!!

[ariharveykinkle]

I feel like I've just watched a Yahoo! News video...

[utyarrghhh]

FUAAAAAAAHAA

[guitargod98]

I love the Week in Review. More please.

[DackIsBack]

Limestone FTW...

I bought 20,000 pounds of the stuff this morning, Only $1300.

[EEDDLL1234]

1:23 i went to warsaw this past summer and passed that building almost every day. poland really is a beautiful country.

[jessejames1616]

these clips are so cheap, I miss old onion

[berserkisbest]

is some professor from BU getting a bunch of spam email about dirt clods and ball sacks now?



[cyberjimbond]

It's rediculous, not funny.

[2Ttyz41O]

@toopham or to cause the intended viewer to never return if the advertised piece was too short, boring, and obviously just a cheap attention g

[Imhornydadcomeinside]

The Onion > Foox News

[AINGELPROJECT667]

Ok, everyone, just calm down. No need to get all exited.

[Singularity18]

Fuck David Blaine. What about Clifford Banes?

[sdaciuk]

That's the first onion report I've actually laughed at, good job guys.

[jediknight73]

@sdaciuk u must have a shit sense of humour

[Neverlast0]

Yeah the Onion sucks now.

[Battlefield2Pilot]

@Neverlast0 Hey fuck you

[Neverlast0]

@Battlefield2Pilot Compare this to some of the old onion reports. The Old report are worlds funnier and darker.

[SgtHydra]

Goddamnit.

How'd the Onion get a photo of my VHS collection???

[invock]

@origincool "you have to be VERY smart to become president." Or you can also be elected by a VERY dumb country.

[MusicMan53100]

@invock Hey, watch the way you talk about my country, you commie-bastard!

[lukini101]

Well you know us Bostonians, always doing research on the important issues.

[origincool]

@semysane "genuinely superior"? LOL.

couldn't be more obvious that you're a democrat. Yes, I'm a republican. But hey, you don't see me going around saying that our president is "genuinely superior". I may think it, but I don't say it because I know it's wrong. By the way, you have to be VERY smart to become president.

[Enleuk]

Head of cabbage... zing

[spacecowboy5000]

I think David Blaine did one of those endurance things in a block of ice. Sadly, he did it in Antarctica and no one really noticed.

[kmetvhribih]

i'm from slovenia... and our most probably new prime-minister really is a cabbage xD

[rubikskus]

@kmetvhribih si mau janševc? :D

[kmetvhribih]

@rubikskus to pa niti najmanj. po moje tak ne bi smel kandidrat dokler se vse zadeve okoli določenih afer ne razjasnijo, pa tudi če bo na koncu nedolžen ;) sam ima itak tolk masla na glavi da po moje ne bodo nikol do konca prišli :D

[InsertName125]

@kmetvhribih WOW! In America we have a whole FIELD of vegetables running for president! We have a lot in common!

[4C4rly4]

@kmetvhribih I'm from America and all our presidents and politicians really are cabbages

:D

[Zblj1987]

@kmetvhribih Agreed! Trenirke XD!

[someoneON]

@kmetvhribih Serbian ruling our country, were doomed !

[Orbitron24]

Another "tee-hee" joke with Obama. With Bush, the media made jokes portraing him as a retard (and I'm not defending Bush). With train-wreck Obama, they kept making jokes about Retard Bush for a year. Then settled on making Obama jokes about him being a professor-type who is too smart for the dumb American people. As always, Blacks are portrayed by the media and entertainment media as superior to dumb, evil whites.

[semysane]

@Orbitron24 To be fair, that particular black guy is genuinely superior to Bush, who actually is both white AND possibly evil, but probably just really dumb.

[SalientK]

@Orbitron24 Wait, what? What media are *you* watching? I fucking *wish* Black people would be portrayed with some dignity in the media. The only reason the media portrayed Bush as an idiot is because he acted like one. They portray Obama as a snobbish elitist because he acts like one. It has nothing to do with race.

[TheSpiritOfTheTimes]

@Orbitron24 Satire or stupid?

[0BatGirl0]

I was drinking juice when he said 'P. Marks', it's not even that funny but I still got juice up my nose.

[Refreshernoob]

1:50 2:05 cant stop laughing at this so much win

[seanpalladino]

The Onion stole TWiT! :P

[MadamTampini]

smooth lg ad

[AmbrociousXP]

It's true....I haven't heard ANYTHING about David Blaine recently.

[restitution69]

I have to say, when I read the video title, I managed to forget who David Blaine was, and instead was thinking of Clifford Banes, from the "In the Know" segments the Onion has done in the past....

[futurestoryteller]

See this; the worlds SOOOO fucking crazy... that the Onion can't even PRETEND to be subtle anymore.

[Nimnoms]

I guess the art of suitability is dead.

[linkleisure]

i liked it best when the onion was funny and had an edge

[NobodysOffTheHook]

That's how I eat my Chipotle Mexican Grill burritos.

[RealKeenan]

asparagus, like most british people, is 80% beetle eggs

[ArrDeeSee9]

I find it hard to believe that you know me even the 2mins and 44 secs your video played!

[klutterkicker]

Yes but what are the cumulative long-term effects of multiple small doses of getting hit in the mouth with a goddamn tree branch?

[7dustakpno1]

Lol this is hilarious!

[kickerman8]

301 views...1023 likes

[thatwasfunnyhuh]

@kickerman8 and some how, because it's The Onion, I'm not suprised =)

[maddogmatt44]

WOOOOO!!! BOSTONNN!!! FUCK YEAAHHH!!! HAHA

[TENNSUMITSUMA]

'....during his brides' what

[LouisianaSuperdome]

I just checked.  Yep... dead.

[mook5555]

I feel like it's stupid to make the closing joke the title

[toopham]

@mook5555 it actually make a lot of sense if your goal is to try to get the viewer to watch the whole video.

[Elvenheretic]

I so looked at the length of the video when he said 2 min and 30 seconds had passed just to check if he was right... he was..

[sofaking815]

hahahaa

[culwin]

Vilsack's aide looks a lot like Kirsten Dunst...

[thatwasfunnyhuh]

@culwin yeah...except way hotter and hopefully without that snaggletooth thing going on

[beastymeat]

get drunk before you watch this video

[wanderlustwarrior]

"And now for this week in tec--" Video stops to buffer for the first time.

Umm...

[MWCstream]

Ron Paul 2012 Let the Revolution Began.

[christopherspeedy]

remember 10 years ago when everyone made a big deal about david blaine. lol his stunts were so lame.

[euricdinkins]

I use to like getting smacked with tree branches... But then I caught an arrow in the BALLS

[candygirl0406]

Could I still volunteer if I don't have balls?

[CodecMoment]

@candygirl0406 Yeah there needs to be a control group

[greenday95101]

Dave was pretty good too

[1122334455667700]

O cmonnn everyone loves japanese tattoos. =Z

[thatwasfunnyhuh]

@1122334455667700 Mine's korean dude, those sneaky Japs lost their privilege to scar my body after they invented the Prius

[TheMikkelet]

"Dinged in the balls with a goddamn dirt rock" LOL

[beckoninglight16]

Goddamn tree branches!

[jazziestge0ff]

1:12 OMG!!!!!!!! My dad's from slovenia!!!!

[d0md0mt0mt0m]

@jazziestge0ff OMGZ!!!! There's only like 2 million people living there! How weird that you dad would be Slovenian and you'd hear the word Slovenia on a video!!!! Totes amazing!

[jazziestge0ff]

@d0md0mt0mt0m are you trying to be funny? lol.....yes there ARE only like 2 million people and i live in ohio. not in cleveland (where theres a lot). my dad is the ONLY slovene in our area. theres one serb who lives 30 miles away who hes friends with but thats it. good joke dumb0mtdumbdumb

[Erilis666]

really weird one... but funny.

[QuiteRiQuite]

Ahhh VHS tapes... They seem so quaint now. I still have some. The Dark Crystal, Fried Green Tomatos, Big Fat Greek Wedding, Star Trek

[cheetoman23]

the end of the url is what martyrs yell

[GSCommander]

"Getting Smacked In Mouth With Goddamn Tree Branch Really Sucks" I would of never known if it weren't for the Onion.

[juggaloryan3]

@GSCommander I dont know, it is the onion. Maybe that part is a parody/spoof too?

[nriaziat]

powered by lg, but an iphone is shown

[businessballer]

I have all the VHS tapes.

[hellgurl71]

o god the tree branch was so ha ha ha I loved it XD

[kockgunner]

You know who we should check is dead? Clifford Banes.

[SageofCancer]

Lol, P.Marx

[MrAlekz]

Ahhh, good old VHS tapes...

Alladin, Toy Story, Winnie The Poo, The Lion King, The Land Before Time.....

[dantesinfernal0]

I actually tested the "getting hit in the balls with a dirt clod" theory when I was a kid, and I can say conclusively that the theorists are on the right track.

[sillygoose544]

I'm sure Blaine's carrier died by now.

[creativeape]

@sillygoose544 Yet, his career remains still-at-large.

[offlineable]

The weird thing is that I have every single one of those VHS tapes in my VHS tape collection!

[Gelinuts21]

@offlineable Cool.



[nzst2011]

Fascinating research. I hope the institution continues to be well-funded.

[EnigmaXII]

@2:24-2:32 Title of this vid -___-

[MeatballsInGravy]

I'm so tired of freaking week in reviews! I want more of the news stories, and less of this and that Brooke Alvarez thing...

[93cian]

@MeatballsInGravy These week in reviews are the best things on here

[HelloAgain151]

@MeatballsInGravy Are you kidding? I thought this was classic. It's all good. I'm happy they are keeping up the output.

[RoscoesRiffs]

David Blaine is alive and well and occupying a small space capsule on the one-way trip to be the first person on Mars.

[peanut1billion]

lol these week in reviews are the best

[fuknut13]

shit. i forgot my eye drops & the 3 green capsules.........

[fredghostkyle]

okokoko

[fredghostkyle]

i live iv inb rwugvLS>bj'dohgSJO"DHGosjehgf;­oehf;ewuth ie3o

7 blood shit / 1000 blood shit

\

\

for the smopsh and ythe khnsgfdewHNGS"D

[fredghostkyle]

@fredghostkyle ok

[YesIm10]

@fredghostkyle

am I cursed after reading that

[swincnik]

HEY! I am from Slovenia! Yay! We made it to american news! :D

[ataraxic89]

@swincnik kinda

[plostellum]

I love these.