Dissociative Identity Disorder and the arrival of the core self

[budsaysitscool]

Jealous because you have such a sweet, nice voice with a higher pitch and my voice is deep for a woman. I get called "sir" on the phone and in the drive-thru-- which has been embarrassing at times. I can tell this video was hard for you to get through because of the nature of what you were sharing, and it brought tears to my eyes that you don't have more confidence. I am so sorry that you were in the hands of monsters when you were a baby.

[budsaysitscool]

Were you scared when you found out you were a human? I mean, was it hard to grasp that you were born with only one personality and to learn that extreme abuse caused this phenomenon to occur? Were you angry at those responsible for this? I understand that you embrace your selves like a family somewhat, as they have helped you along the way. Please believe me when I tell you you have a beautiful speaking voice. Your voice was the first thing I noticed about you, and I was actually jealous!

[1210donna]

Overwhelmed, shocked, its like something very surreal. I knew the alters were abused but didn't conceive of me having been because my memories were all from around 6mths-1.5yrs. By 2 I was pretty much completely dissociated. My last memory in the body was at 4 in a doorway. I had no idea how I got there and couldn't work out how to move. I have no memories of learning to walk. I remember neglect but the only abuse I remembered from in the body was being thrown through a window @ 6mths old.

[1210donna]

By 12 I realised I WAS a mind, didn't feel I was a person WITH a mind for I felt like a ghost with no body, just a recording facility. And so AS that mind, that 'war correspondent' I knew of the abuse of the alters, but I didn't take it personally at all... they felt like 'other people' and I had no PERSONAL memories of abuse, THEY did. so it was really sad, traumatising, to comprehend how they'd lived, coped, what each had compartmentalised.

[lexxypexxy]

I was watching CSI:Miami last night and the show featured a young woman who was diagnosed with DID. A lot of time these cases always mention a traumatic childhood. I'm fascinated that children are able to create identities, but one thing I still don't quite get is how the "alter" is not aware of the host or vice-versa. Is it possible that the host personality can block out the alters at will?

[1210donna]

@lexxypexxy DID is so diverse that watching one portrayal of it on a TV show really doesn't help much to get to grips with its diversity. The best explanation I saw was of an open plan office with all manner of dividers that compartmentalised office workers in the same office so some could see certain others but could have no idea others were also in there, or think of a maze, you may see down one row but not around a corner and some parts of the maze you may rarely or never stumble upon.

[1210donna]

@lexxypexxy as for 'block out at will', there's nothing conscious about the process. When I was 9 I was made to watch as the dog we were looking after for someone was bashed to death. Then as different parts of me took different parts of this event, I had no idea one had been made to then help bury the dog. Everything from the dogs final moment to its burial was missing for decades. So that's hardly 'at will'. Some things are so sickening, the soul deals with it by compartmentalising

[clealuira]

DID fascinates me, I think of it as a coping mechanism. But my question really is why does the person with this disorder not try and confront what has happened to them. Or use similar therapies like for people who have PTSD?

[1210donna]

those with DID in therapy do confront the underlying issues and do have therapies also used for PTSD but DID is more complex.

[gotch09]

@1210donna I think I came very close to being like you. I came very close to fracturing into DID but didn't. Some of my memories are still very submerged I think. I hate it when people don't understand that there's not always a easy answer. BTW, at 61 I still have flashbacks.

[jewel4america]

@clealuira this is not PTSD... I have that and DID... apples and oranges... also, why does the VICTIM not try and confront what's happened to them?? I was raped daily.. beaten, kidnapped, starved and other things... how can you even ask the question ''why''... the question is HOW DO WE FIND ANY HELP TO GET THE ANSWERS.. I didn't know until I was 55 what I had... and I remember a lot of the abuse, but IT'S WHAT I COULD NOT REMEMBER THAT HURT ME THE MOST..

[budsaysitscool]

Goldfish are cool....little quieter....;)

So, when did you become aware you were a human? Or that the core self was the true primary self? Was it overwhelming for you? My gosh, that would blow my mind trying to grasp that concept if I had felt I was an automated typist all along. I remember when I was 5, and it was a very vivid moment for me..I grasped the concept of being a human being and I realized the nature of my mortality one day while playing outside and it brought tears to my eyes..

[1210donna]

well each of the alters thought of themselves as 'I' and I didn't really think of myself as 'I' at all... I wasn't invested in any 'my' life, so that was very bizarre. I realised I was human around October last year. Before that I felt I was a ghost and a typing facility. But once I woke up to taking myself personally, I suddenly remembered when I had begun to last feel like that, when I'd left, gone dormant, left it to all the others. I had been 2-3 yrs old.

[budsaysitscool]

Goldfish are cool....little quieter....;)

[budsaysitscool]

Love that you shouldn't have and that most wouldn't and don't have who have been dealt a deck of cards like yours. You are an extraordinary incredible person. I have so much empathy for you, and all you have been through-- but you have come through like a champion, and it makes me want to cry...I am so proud of who you are. You are almost legendary....seriously. It's an honor to meet you. My name is Jakki. I live in Phoenix AZ, and I'm 39, engaged with 2 kids. Do you have children?

[1210donna]

no, I didn't have children. I am very happily married though and we have goldfish :-)

[budsaysitscool]

-how it happened, accepting it and putting yourself together? Like putting together a complex puzzle? I just want to say that I am so proud of you and for you..for all you have gone through, and now here you are helping others who are lost to find themselves, and you are doing great works. I know you are an Atheist, but your existence reaffirms God's existence for me because I know you were sent here to help and teach others...He works through you in the kindness and love you have for people.

[1210donna]

very much like a progressive puzzle coming together. I'm a spiritual atheist so I believe in the God-ness of all things, the sort of sanctity of any entity. So I sort of have Buddhist influence, certainly a Taoist.

[budsaysitscool]

Thank you for your detailed response, It really helped me picture and relate to you. Wow! What a shock to find out this split had occurred I bet! Were you astonished the first time you heard recording of your other selves? You must have had lost time, and felt strange to be dressed different than you normally would with little or no recollection of events. How fascinating and wonderful that you have healed so well.How does it feel to have almost come full circle to figuring out why this happened

[1210donna]

one of the alters knew of two other alters (Polly knew of Willie and Carol). I was like a recording device, the war correspondent, the typist, I had forgotten I was a person, so I did know of most of the alters (I knew of 9 of the fourteen) but because I wasn't 'awake' I had no response to them, no personal feelings about them, etc, I certainly didn't know I was the Core Self and didn't even know I was more than typing fingers.

[budsaysitscool]

This is an honest question, with all due respect....first off, you seem very in touch with your selves and I am wondering if you have any control over what happens when another personality comes forward and pushes you back.... Is it like watching someone else ?If it is like actual, different people inside your body, do you share the same soul? Or Do you each have your own soul? This video is such a big step, and you sound wonderful hon. Keep on going,...you sound great.

[1210donna]

Yes, when I'd switch and another would present I felt I was as if suddenly not in the drivers seat of the bus but now in the back seat or sometimes so far up the back I couldn't see or hear much of the driver. Before I was back (I'm the Core Self) the other alters generally had little/no co-consciousness with each other at all....

[1210donna]

so for them it was largely like they had been shoved out/exited the drivers seat during a switch but instead of tuning in to the driver who had taken the seat its as if they went wandering up the bus forgetting there even was a driver, as if it were none of their business.

[1210donna]

As for different people, before I was 'awake' the others generally felt someone was giving their things away, bringing strange things home, sabotaging their new ideas, quitting their friendships etc... then once co-consciousness was achieved within the team between alters, some were very distressed at 'these other people' in the body

[1210donna]

they wanted them to go, give up, leave so they could inherit the body alone, but once they came to know, like, identify with, care about each other they were kind and helpful to each other and respected sharing the body. As for each having their own soul, yes, this was a great fear that if we died with one alter presenting the others may have no idea the body had died and not understand why they couldn't make it work... essentially ghosts distressed at the body being dead.

[1210donna]

As the Core Self I'm now present in the body around 80-90% of the time and the other 10-20% I'm still co-conscious with whoever is presenting, so I now feel we actually have ONE soul, my soul and that had fragmented and those fragments had grown into alters, but ultimately those now live (largely integrated) within me so WE are now like ONE soul. All this is stuff none of the alters nor I could have imagined when we started therapy for DID.

[Myfriendismultiple]

I really enjoyed your video and those who know and love you must be so proud of you for stepping out and doing it. My friend has over 50 personalities and some of them don't speak, some write to me and others talk very very quietly. I just have to sit very close and listen intently because it's important I hear the first time as it's hard enough for them to talk about it the first time. I wish you all the very best in your life. As the core person I pray you heal and grow. Hugs

[Shachah223]

So you tried learning sign language? (I heard something about gestures) I love your voice! It's so pretty!

[1210donna]

I have home sign but am now learning Auslan. 

[Shachah223]

@1210donna

Oh-I-See. ^_^ How is it? Is it fun? I'm learning ASL. xD I recently became interested in the Deaf Culture as well as Sign Language, and now Multiples and DID! You're like an anomaly to me! You use Sign language and have DID!!! xD

[1210donna]

@Shachah223 why does DID interest you?  Its very hard to live with.

[Shachah223]

@1210donna It's not the difficulty more is it the people and the phenomenon that I'm interested in. I'm known for having strange interest/studies. For at least 3 years I was obsessed with Muslim women and the Hijab, and then I was interested in Extraterrestrials for a few months. Now I'm interested in ASL, Deaf Culture, Subliminal Messages, Psychological Warfare, Occult Symbolism, "Conspiracy Theory", and extreme abuse cases, which includes MPD/DID, Feral Children, and Human Trafficking.

[1210donna]

@Shachah223 What I like about you is you have these interests but don't imagine you have all these conditions... yay. Whilst I have empathy for those with BPD they tend to also culture shop and are very curious about conditions but then don't just explore them as the OCPD topic-buster does, they tend to personally identify with the conditions they get interested in then shape themselves to fit them. They are seeking identity and individuality but sadly this is now how they'll find it.

[Shachah223]

@1210donna Oh. Thanks! ^_^ Yeah, I just find other people's lives/lifestyles/culture interesting. Noooo! lol The ONLY reason I would want to understand DID is because I want to make sure I know about it, not because I think I have it! I'm only 14! xD

That is sad. :( BTW, what's the difference between DID from BPD? I know they are not the same thing, but the Wikipedia entry doesn't explain it very well. (Plus I wouldn't know where to find the right information about it lol)

[1210donna]

@Shachah223 Well to put it simply one can have any personality disorder and not have DID, one can have DID and have no personality disorders (DID is a dissociative disorder where the dissociation manifests as multiple IDENTITIES, so its not actually a personality disorder at all... that's been quashed, which is why they changed it from MPD to DID). And among the personality disorders there are 5 which have been found to more commonly co-occur in DID... the 4th of which is Borderline (BPD).

[Shachah223]

@1210donna

I get it! So People with DID can have a personality disorder, but people who have personality disorder's don't always have DID, and BPD is common among Dissociatives/Multiples?

[1210donna]

@Shachah223 BPD is the fourth most common personality disorder that co-occurs in those with DID... the most common are Avoidant, Self Defeating and Schizotypal personality disorders. And yes, DID can occur in those without any personality disorders at all.

[Shachah223]

@1210donna Oh-I-See. :) That makes sense.

[1210donna]

I have another You Tube clip re Dissociative Identity Disorder and Personality Disorders which would give you more info.

[Shachah223]

@1210donna Ok. ^_^

[1210donna]

@Shachah223 perhaps you will become a Psychologist or Sociologist.

[Shachah223]

@1210donna

:D Maybe! xD

[lmollot]

i remember one day after the abuse i was taking cry fit over something(as a way of telling safely)- & i yelled "and dont call me LILLI anymore"- that was my nickname every one used for me- so now i understand why i did that- maybe i wanted to "bury" the abused lilli- & be new person?

[lmollot]

have u read "when rabbit howls"? she co- shares w her personas- & her core has died- so early trauma- i ended in hospital at 11mos operation & blood transfusion-wd not eat-diagnosis venereum lymphagranuloma-i remember repeting baby/early child nightmares that i think are memories-i had nice aunts which help me survive i think & younger siblings to take care of-that really help i cd give to them/live their life(=my esteem)-in matriarchy society-like iroquois women-mother/kids live with grandma

[lmollot]

my siblings did not survive the abuse- brother at 17 yo after my mom told him"if u dont like it why dont u kill yourself"-later i saw my father twist his arm & punch him in stomach-my fathers chemical engineer- my mom a nurse- works as counsellor adiction educator-mom call a friend(another nurse)2mock in front of my sis(after od & 5 day coma)"we ll find a place they ll lock her up she wont be able to get out"-she ran away -mom put police/posters 2 commit her-destroyd her autobio book childabuses

[lmollot]

that really explains a lot about my childhood- & even now wqhen im stressed or someone gets too close- great big thanks- u helped me more than my therapists- keep on -mutism- i still do it or i forget how to ta

[myranagels]

you are so beautiful, it makes me cry!

And courageous you are, i/we are not that courageous:(

We.I have 56 inner people so we exactly know all the the things you share!

You are SO BRAVE!

Thank you Donna, you are BEAUTIFUL!!

Love Myra and co xxx

[softcloud8]

What a courageous and beautiful lady you are - I have nothing but admiration for you and awe at what you have worked through. Love and blessings to you, Donna Have a wonderful, special and peaceful Christmas and may God truly bless you as you continue on your journey, as we all tpassing through this life and we are put on this earth to be overcomers and grow into brighter, better people through our life's journey. Keep letting your light shine. Julie :)

[carol3hawks]

I am still amazed by your beautiful story, Nobody Nowhere.

You have lovely words and I wish my Eli had speech. Happy Holidays my friend!

[1210donna]

Every person with communication disorders is different. Mine included meaning deafness (verbal agnosia) made worse by meaning blindness (visual agnosias) so several of my selves were echolalic. Then many of my selves had Selective Mutism so couldn't dare speech. And on top of these I have a stammer which made me believe I couldn't speak. But other people with autism may have any of these plus Oral/Verbal Dyspraxia or Speech Aphasia so their journey with speech would be different.

[grandmahogg]

There is nothing ugly about you, in anyway. Bless you for bringing your world into ours, for more to learn and grow, on both sides. Mental hugs to you! You have helped us in many ways, with understanding my granddaughter, Caselyn, better.

[1210donna]

@grandmahogg thank you

[lexxintegra]

Your voice and speech is beautiful... thank you for sharing and offering the opportunity for me to relate better with you. Blessings with Cheers =o)

[DarJadon]

Thank you Donna, I am so happy to hear you! Please keep me updated on your success!

[kerri0002]

So I can understand how the others must have felt about you coming forward and reiterating that you are the core. First for me is still the most wounded in lots of ways, and was in the past the most fragile. Yet I see now that through all her pain she has built a quiet resilience over time. Yet it is taking a while for us to adjust to this new reality. I'm so glad you spoke up because it is giving me a chance to look at things from her perspective. Thankyou very much.

[kerri0002]

Slowly this figure got up off the floor and turned to me stating she was the original person the core, and that after many years of never being able to be present she was finally O.K. enough to be here. That finally after 30 something years she had become self aware and cognicant of who and what she was, and it was O.K. now for her to return. Well of course I was thrown, as far as I Knew I was the core so this was a real challenge for me to accept.

[kerri0002]

And for most of my life I thought I was me and me alone. Then I find out in my late 30's in therapy there were others. Shock enough. But then to boot after about 2 years of therapy and trying to get used to this new information, I hear a voice from a person I have only ever seen out of the corner of my eye. A crouched figure who I always instinctively knew was me, but who had never looked up at me nor ever spoken.

[kerri0002]

You know Donna, I have an inner family also, and there are 11of us, although only 7 of us really interract at the moment. We are Me Kerri ( although the others call me Second ), First, Michael, The Twins ( identical girls 11 yrs old ), Miss Ten, Miss Six, Miss Sixteen, Miss Twenty, Miss Etheral, Jeannie and Cally.

[kerri0002]

Wow Donna I think you're amazing. And your speach IS beautiful. Who says we all must speak so fast. I have always believed the contents of what is spoken far outways the manner in which it is communicated. And your beauty comes from your heart and I hope your feel confident enough to make more videos because I learnt a lot from you in this one. And I thought you spoke very well.