@gayconfessional1963 There are some people we meet in life whose lights seem to burn brighter than the rest. Unfortunately, too many of them burn out too quickly. And you're right about decisions. When we are young, we feel like we will live forever, so we can always pick up where we left off if we change our minds, but of course it's not always possible.
You're as bad as me with the whiskey and cigarettes! My choice of poison is bourbon and mayfair menthol ciggys!! Sorry to hear about all that sadness in the past.
Hi Anna! Thanks for looking in! I just looked at your channel, and you have tons of stuff I haven't seen! Bloody YouTube! About half of my subs never show up on my 'new vids' page, and believe me, I look every day. I'm going to have to have a Kruizinby watching sesh! LOL
Thanks for the humbling comments, you foxy lady, you! And also your other input. I never intended setting myself up as a 'gay guru', but I've had so many gratifying pms from kids coming out, it's been a great journey! :-)
I was actually wondering about the lambda symbol you wear. I haven't seen one of those in an awfully long time. When I was a lot younger than I am now, they used to advertise them in gay publications. I actually like the lambda symbol better than the rainbow, which just seems goofy to me.
I've always liked the lambda symbol too, even though its popularity has waned somewhat. Plus my lambda will always mean more to me because it encompasses so many things - lost loves, the fight against aids, gay liberation, and of course, Paul.
Thanks for watching and commenting. I really appreciate it! :-)
Regarding the fight against AIDS, I'm proud of the way that gay people stepped up to the plate when no one else would. I, took, knew people who died from it. This is controversial, I know, but I no longer think of AIDS as a gay issue. The majority of people with HIV worldwide aren't gay. These days, I tend to contribute more money to gay human rights organizations.
i am glad you have kept the chain around your neck all of these years rob , you are a great guy and the more i see of your videos the more i like you . adam
dear rob , i had a lot of friends that died of aids in the 80's and 90's , i don't know why i was spared just luck ? but i am glad i am a gay man , and i would not have changed my experiences for the world . i remember sitting in a gay bar in providence rhode island in the very early 80's and in the gay rags they had an article about aids it was not even called that yet it was all of 8 lines long
The British tabloid press were horrific once aids became known about. They printed so many scare stories that all gay men felt threatened, not by the disease itself, but by the backlash from idiots that believed all the hype!
Many of us have regrets. I think the important thing is to learn from them and even find strength from them. Life is a journey. Paul sounds an amazing person :)
Thanks William! I guess Paul was not perfect, but it's easier to look upon those who have passed through rose-tinted spectacles. I miss him still though.
Just saw that 2002 pic of you on Facebook. Wow! Grrrr! Nice! :-)
(Not that you're not now, of course!)
(What's that saying about once you've put yourself in a hole, stop digging?)
Unfortunately, unless a large section of society suddenly becomes more intelligent, better educated, and less scared of things they don't understand, the hate will live on and thrive amongst the huge population of numbskulls we encounter every day.
(cont'd) but he really stands in my mind as one of many heroes in our community who have carried on since the crisis began...I'm not so young anymore myself and have my regrets, but we have come along way from powerlesness, haven't we these days? In our community there is no doubt that we owe that to the life energy of our elders, point blank. I am very grateful these days..keep fighting the good fight, and looking so handsome as a "scruffy guy"! (love the beard) :-)
Hi Adam, and thanks so much for your input. I'm sorry to hear about Norman, but pleased that he at least had a support network around him, little consolation as that is when someone dear passes anyway. However, things have improved slightly in the past 20+ years. At least Aids patients are not treated like lepers so, and shunned even by the medical profession. It is a wicked disease that has taken so many beautiful people long before their time, and I just long for the day it can be eradicated!
Hi Rob, this is a great theme for a vid, makes you ponder the here and now...my BFF since moving to SF was diagnosed HIV+ two years ago, and thanks to the actions of those in his generation (he was 64) we had the opportunity to attend workshops, there is community support via Gay Men's Health, etc. Norman was looking forward to retiring and enjoying life and was the center of a huge community of friends..he was like a father to me in a sense. He passed in July and is missed, but..(cont'd.)
That was a very sad story m8. I know for a fact how bad AIDS patients were treated as I worked in the General Hospital in Northampton in the early 80's and what I saw was disgusting - kept away from other folks as they thought at the time it might be an 'airborne' virus. It was and still is. I guess hard being gay in Northampton as I remember the murder outside the 'Boston Clipper' Pub because the pub was known for being 'a gay pub'. Folks should put their heads down in shame....
Ah yes Dave, homophobia is as alive and well in the numbskulls as it ever was. I guess that's the same wherever you are.
If you were at NGH back then, you may have known another ex-boyf of mine, Hasu Mistry, who lived in the Nurses Home. His friend David, also a nurse, used to work behind the bar at the Regent Club. David became an air steward, and died of Aids, and Hasu now lives in Amsterdam where he too has to take 27 tablets a day to keep his T cell count down. It's a wicked disease.
That's a beautiful thing you're doing wearing that and sharing Paul's story. Fuck AIDS!
Hopefully Paul did a lot of living in those 27 years, and it sounds like he did. Early 80s AIDS patients were treated horrendously even in the medical world, it's a shame that Paul's father and his death were two tragic bookends to what I hope was in the middle years a great life.
Thanks very much. You notice I was drinking in the video. Paul stirs up some powerful emotions in me, even now, as he did back then.
Paul was the kind of guy who made you smile when he came into the room. He was always happy himself, and it rubbed off on people. I obviously regret he caught Aids, but also regret being absent towards the end of his life. Just circumstances, you know?
Thanks for watching, and for your considered response. It means a lot.
Hey Rob, I'm just early in the video (still watching) but I paused to simply say I wish young gay guys today looked like they did back in the 80s! BOY HOWDY! Today the bars I go to are full of stick thin lads with no hair, what a shame! haha still watching x
Hi Mr RB and thanks! Although I've had my heart broken a few times, I'd like to think I also melted a few along the way. I'd LIKE to think that - whether or not it's true....
Sad story, Rob... I don't believe that there's anything you could have done to make things turn out any differently than they did. Paul obviously touched a lot of lives including yours. Rather than regret the turns of events that you had no control over, be happy that Paul was a part of your life. I think he would have wanted things that way...
Thanks so much, Andy. I was touched by Curt's vid, and it just reminded me of Paul, so I responded. I didn't expect it, but I've had so many nice comments this morning on this vid, and yours is one of the best. I would like to have at least been in touch with Paul more, but it was awkward, Simon knowing that we'd had a 'thing' for each other. I just feel bad that I didn't even know he was ill, so when I found out he'd died, I felt doubly guilty. You're right though. I'm glad I knew him.
Regardless of the "gay" and sleeping around suggested in the video Rob, nobody really knew anything till the mid 80s when finally the hysteria started to die down a little and the science was rekindled. Many people to this day 'blame' the gay community for HIV's spread as ludicrous as that is now. Anyone who worked in an AIDS ward volunteer or fulltime knew it was very different. There are regrets in every life if the person living it is honest and caring, wondering 'what if' is natural
Thanks Geoff. The Aids scare stories in the tabloids of the 80's were horrific the way that they portrayed gay people as disease carriers. To me, it seemed to have pushed back all gay liberation that had happened up to that point...
I remember one story in 'The Sun' of a haemophiliac child who had contracted the HIV virus through a dodgy blood transfusion, and it became common knowledge amongst her peers. The story reported how the girl and her mother had been stoned by other parents and kids, such was the paranoia about the disease. It felt like we'd gone back to the Dark Ages!
Yes Trish, it was horrible. I remember him crying at the time, and saying that the bruising and broken bones didn't hurt half as much as the total rejection. He never saw any of his family after that day, and I still don't know if they ever found out, or even cared, that he'd died alone in a dingy flat in London. One of my biggest regrets is losing touch, and not being there, at least to support him through his illness :'-(
Hopefully what Paul went through with his family isn't anywhere near as common now as it was then. You're so right about regrets - seems to me that if anyone in that scenario would have had big ones after all was said and done, it would be Paul's father.
Thanks for watching, Curt. I like to think things are getting better too, but I still get kids pm me with coming out stories where things have gone awry, and the two main problems seem to be religion, or a father's machismo feeling threatened.
I hope that Paul's Dad does have regrets for disowning him, but I doubt it. Sadly, I don't even know if his family knows that Paul's dead.
I love my lambda, but it has 'outed' me a few times over the years, because if anyone asks me what it stands for, I tell them "gay liberation", and I usually get an 'Ohhhh, I seeeee!', and one of those looks like you've just grown an extra head! LOL
What those "Ohhh, I seeee" people, and especially the ones kicking their kids out of their families for being gay, don't get (but what later generations will understand) is that THEY'RE the ones with the dysfunction.
It's true enough, Bryan. It seems numbers of AIDS cases are increasing again amongst young, gay men. In the
80's the media tried scaring everyone half to death about the 'gay plague'. Nowadays, it's hardly ever mentioned, and as ever, lots of kids think it will never affect THEM. Until it does :(
Aw thanks Carol! You say the nicest things, and I love you to bits! Maybe next time round, we'll get together and make sweeeeeet music together! Oooooh-weeee! [Growl!]
Powerful story, Rob. Thanks for sharing it with us. It's interesting to spend a *little* time looking back and saying "what if..." but there is no point in putting much more than a passing thought to it. Not only because of the more obvious - we can't go back, but also because we don't know that things might have actually been worse, rather than the better we would like to imagine.
Thanks John! Your input is always welcome, and your comment is very sensible. I guess after watching Curt's sombre video, it just struck a chord with me. Most times, these memories remain tucked away in a little box in our heads somewhere, which is the best place for them. If we focused too much on our regrets, we would never move forward.
Just done another six 12-hour days, so now I have some vids to watch and catch up on, including yours! :-)
@gayconfessional1963 There are some people we meet in life whose lights seem to burn brighter than the rest. Unfortunately, too many of them burn out too quickly. And you're right about decisions. When we are young, we feel like we will live forever, so we can always pick up where we left off if we change our minds, but of course it's not always possible.
RobNorthampton 8 months ago
You're as bad as me with the whiskey and cigarettes! My choice of poison is bourbon and mayfair menthol ciggys!! Sorry to hear about all that sadness in the past.
Keep your pecker up <3
SteeveeStrange 1 year ago
@SteeveeStrange Thanks very much! Shit happens, eh? We just march on regardless. I'm happy enough with my life now, but more money would be nice! :-)
RobNorthampton 1 year ago
Thank you for your videos. I really enjoy them. You're honest ,straight forward and sincere. I look forward to watching more of you.
Roseybaby63 2 years ago
Why, thank you very much Roseybaby - high praise indeed! I'm honoured.
:-)
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
Rob, I know I've told you this before, but your accent is so beautiful!
schwul1956 2 years ago
Thank You. :-)
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
Your beard looks great!
schwul1956 2 years ago
Thanks Charles! :-)
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
Rob, if I was a man lol ;D
I have a close friend, his father did the same, but he's a stronger man for the weakness he grew up around.
I've always loved your insight. You're a very street-smart man and wise beyond your years.
The pendant - lovely meaning.
No regrets of bad, just regret what we didnt enjoy enough Xx
Kruizinby 2 years ago
Hi Anna! Thanks for looking in! I just looked at your channel, and you have tons of stuff I haven't seen! Bloody YouTube! About half of my subs never show up on my 'new vids' page, and believe me, I look every day. I'm going to have to have a Kruizinby watching sesh! LOL
Thanks for the humbling comments, you foxy lady, you! And also your other input. I never intended setting myself up as a 'gay guru', but I've had so many gratifying pms from kids coming out, it's been a great journey! :-)
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
I was actually wondering about the lambda symbol you wear. I haven't seen one of those in an awfully long time. When I was a lot younger than I am now, they used to advertise them in gay publications. I actually like the lambda symbol better than the rainbow, which just seems goofy to me.
TreblePop 2 years ago
I've always liked the lambda symbol too, even though its popularity has waned somewhat. Plus my lambda will always mean more to me because it encompasses so many things - lost loves, the fight against aids, gay liberation, and of course, Paul.
Thanks for watching and commenting. I really appreciate it! :-)
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
@ Rob -
Regarding the fight against AIDS, I'm proud of the way that gay people stepped up to the plate when no one else would. I, took, knew people who died from it. This is controversial, I know, but I no longer think of AIDS as a gay issue. The majority of people with HIV worldwide aren't gay. These days, I tend to contribute more money to gay human rights organizations.
TreblePop 2 years ago
You're right. Aids doesn't discriminate. It doesn't care who it infects.
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
i am glad you have kept the chain around your neck all of these years rob , you are a great guy and the more i see of your videos the more i like you . adam
bearcub410 2 years ago
Thanks for the compliment, Adam! I'm just another 'regular joe' trying to plod on and make sense of this ratrace called life :-)
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
dear rob , i had a lot of friends that died of aids in the 80's and 90's , i don't know why i was spared just luck ? but i am glad i am a gay man , and i would not have changed my experiences for the world . i remember sitting in a gay bar in providence rhode island in the very early 80's and in the gay rags they had an article about aids it was not even called that yet it was all of 8 lines long
bearcub410 2 years ago
The British tabloid press were horrific once aids became known about. They printed so many scare stories that all gay men felt threatened, not by the disease itself, but by the backlash from idiots that believed all the hype!
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
Many of us have regrets. I think the important thing is to learn from them and even find strength from them. Life is a journey. Paul sounds an amazing person :)
kensington25 2 years ago
Thanks William! I guess Paul was not perfect, but it's easier to look upon those who have passed through rose-tinted spectacles. I miss him still though.
Just saw that 2002 pic of you on Facebook. Wow! Grrrr! Nice! :-)
(Not that you're not now, of course!)
(What's that saying about once you've put yourself in a hole, stop digging?)
(Exits, whistling nonchalantly ----->)
;-) x
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
Rofl keep digging :)
kensington25 2 years ago
Thanks for watching this :-)
Unfortunately, unless a large section of society suddenly becomes more intelligent, better educated, and less scared of things they don't understand, the hate will live on and thrive amongst the huge population of numbskulls we encounter every day.
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
(cont'd) but he really stands in my mind as one of many heroes in our community who have carried on since the crisis began...I'm not so young anymore myself and have my regrets, but we have come along way from powerlesness, haven't we these days? In our community there is no doubt that we owe that to the life energy of our elders, point blank. I am very grateful these days..keep fighting the good fight, and looking so handsome as a "scruffy guy"! (love the beard) :-)
kern0099 2 years ago 2
Hi Adam, and thanks so much for your input. I'm sorry to hear about Norman, but pleased that he at least had a support network around him, little consolation as that is when someone dear passes anyway. However, things have improved slightly in the past 20+ years. At least Aids patients are not treated like lepers so, and shunned even by the medical profession. It is a wicked disease that has taken so many beautiful people long before their time, and I just long for the day it can be eradicated!
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
Thanks for the compliment, by the way!
;-) x
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
Hi Rob, this is a great theme for a vid, makes you ponder the here and now...my BFF since moving to SF was diagnosed HIV+ two years ago, and thanks to the actions of those in his generation (he was 64) we had the opportunity to attend workshops, there is community support via Gay Men's Health, etc. Norman was looking forward to retiring and enjoying life and was the center of a huge community of friends..he was like a father to me in a sense. He passed in July and is missed, but..(cont'd.)
kern0099 2 years ago 2
That was a very sad story m8. I know for a fact how bad AIDS patients were treated as I worked in the General Hospital in Northampton in the early 80's and what I saw was disgusting - kept away from other folks as they thought at the time it might be an 'airborne' virus. It was and still is. I guess hard being gay in Northampton as I remember the murder outside the 'Boston Clipper' Pub because the pub was known for being 'a gay pub'. Folks should put their heads down in shame....
HotSpace2007 2 years ago
Ah yes Dave, homophobia is as alive and well in the numbskulls as it ever was. I guess that's the same wherever you are.
If you were at NGH back then, you may have known another ex-boyf of mine, Hasu Mistry, who lived in the Nurses Home. His friend David, also a nurse, used to work behind the bar at the Regent Club. David became an air steward, and died of Aids, and Hasu now lives in Amsterdam where he too has to take 27 tablets a day to keep his T cell count down. It's a wicked disease.
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
That's a beautiful thing you're doing wearing that and sharing Paul's story. Fuck AIDS!
Hopefully Paul did a lot of living in those 27 years, and it sounds like he did. Early 80s AIDS patients were treated horrendously even in the medical world, it's a shame that Paul's father and his death were two tragic bookends to what I hope was in the middle years a great life.
riverbasil 2 years ago
Thanks very much. You notice I was drinking in the video. Paul stirs up some powerful emotions in me, even now, as he did back then.
Paul was the kind of guy who made you smile when he came into the room. He was always happy himself, and it rubbed off on people. I obviously regret he caught Aids, but also regret being absent towards the end of his life. Just circumstances, you know?
Thanks for watching, and for your considered response. It means a lot.
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
Hey Rob, I'm just early in the video (still watching) but I paused to simply say I wish young gay guys today looked like they did back in the 80s! BOY HOWDY! Today the bars I go to are full of stick thin lads with no hair, what a shame! haha still watching x
riverbasil 2 years ago
Hi Mr RB and thanks! Although I've had my heart broken a few times, I'd like to think I also melted a few along the way. I'd LIKE to think that - whether or not it's true....
;-)
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
Sad story, Rob... I don't believe that there's anything you could have done to make things turn out any differently than they did. Paul obviously touched a lot of lives including yours. Rather than regret the turns of events that you had no control over, be happy that Paul was a part of your life. I think he would have wanted things that way...
fehquig 2 years ago
Thanks so much, Andy. I was touched by Curt's vid, and it just reminded me of Paul, so I responded. I didn't expect it, but I've had so many nice comments this morning on this vid, and yours is one of the best. I would like to have at least been in touch with Paul more, but it was awkward, Simon knowing that we'd had a 'thing' for each other. I just feel bad that I didn't even know he was ill, so when I found out he'd died, I felt doubly guilty. You're right though. I'm glad I knew him.
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
Nice vid Rob, Almost had me cyring. all the best and merry xmas and a happy new year!
reardon1983 2 years ago
Thank you, Ian. I have shed a few silent tears here and there for Paul. I guess he was 'the one that got away' :-/
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
Regardless of the "gay" and sleeping around suggested in the video Rob, nobody really knew anything till the mid 80s when finally the hysteria started to die down a little and the science was rekindled. Many people to this day 'blame' the gay community for HIV's spread as ludicrous as that is now. Anyone who worked in an AIDS ward volunteer or fulltime knew it was very different. There are regrets in every life if the person living it is honest and caring, wondering 'what if' is natural
Gigolo8 2 years ago 2
Thanks Geoff. The Aids scare stories in the tabloids of the 80's were horrific the way that they portrayed gay people as disease carriers. To me, it seemed to have pushed back all gay liberation that had happened up to that point...
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
I remember one story in 'The Sun' of a haemophiliac child who had contracted the HIV virus through a dodgy blood transfusion, and it became common knowledge amongst her peers. The story reported how the girl and her mother had been stoned by other parents and kids, such was the paranoia about the disease. It felt like we'd gone back to the Dark Ages!
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
IT can almost make one want to cry at how awful we can at times be to each other
Gigolo8 2 years ago
I think it was so nice that Pauls silver ingot was made into 4 new pendants so you all got a part of it
27 is far too young to die, but more shocking even than that was the part of the story where his father beat him up for being gay....
terrible
twish1999 2 years ago 2
Yes Trish, it was horrible. I remember him crying at the time, and saying that the bruising and broken bones didn't hurt half as much as the total rejection. He never saw any of his family after that day, and I still don't know if they ever found out, or even cared, that he'd died alone in a dingy flat in London. One of my biggest regrets is losing touch, and not being there, at least to support him through his illness :'-(
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
Thanks for sharing this story, Rob.
Hopefully what Paul went through with his family isn't anywhere near as common now as it was then. You're so right about regrets - seems to me that if anyone in that scenario would have had big ones after all was said and done, it would be Paul's father.
The silver lambda is beautiful.
OhCurt 2 years ago 2
Thanks for watching, Curt. I like to think things are getting better too, but I still get kids pm me with coming out stories where things have gone awry, and the two main problems seem to be religion, or a father's machismo feeling threatened.
I hope that Paul's Dad does have regrets for disowning him, but I doubt it. Sadly, I don't even know if his family knows that Paul's dead.
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
I love my lambda, but it has 'outed' me a few times over the years, because if anyone asks me what it stands for, I tell them "gay liberation", and I usually get an 'Ohhhh, I seeeee!', and one of those looks like you've just grown an extra head! LOL
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
What those "Ohhh, I seeee" people, and especially the ones kicking their kids out of their families for being gay, don't get (but what later generations will understand) is that THEY'RE the ones with the dysfunction.
OhCurt 2 years ago 2
Let's hope so, Curt! :-)
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
It's true enough, Bryan. It seems numbers of AIDS cases are increasing again amongst young, gay men. In the
80's the media tried scaring everyone half to death about the 'gay plague'. Nowadays, it's hardly ever mentioned, and as ever, lots of kids think it will never affect THEM. Until it does :(
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
Aw thanks Carol! You say the nicest things, and I love you to bits! Maybe next time round, we'll get together and make sweeeeeet music together! Oooooh-weeee! [Growl!]
:-D
XX
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
I do that quite often to think back and think what would have happened if...
we don´t know what if...
thank you for sharing this part of your life and your deep connection to people
thank you for being you, big hug from Germany
Juliesol73 2 years ago
Thank you for watching me ramble on! And thanks for the nice comment!
I think we have some of your weather in the UK this week. It's been minus 7 and snow and ice! :-(
Wrap up warm over there in German-land, and don't forget your snowshoes! :-)
RobNorthampton 2 years ago
Powerful story, Rob. Thanks for sharing it with us. It's interesting to spend a *little* time looking back and saying "what if..." but there is no point in putting much more than a passing thought to it. Not only because of the more obvious - we can't go back, but also because we don't know that things might have actually been worse, rather than the better we would like to imagine.
AncientAtheist 2 years ago
Thanks John! Your input is always welcome, and your comment is very sensible. I guess after watching Curt's sombre video, it just struck a chord with me. Most times, these memories remain tucked away in a little box in our heads somewhere, which is the best place for them. If we focused too much on our regrets, we would never move forward.
Just done another six 12-hour days, so now I have some vids to watch and catch up on, including yours! :-)
See you over there! :-)
RobNorthampton 2 years ago