Gilbert Gottfried - dirty jokes 12.31.08

[smiley8990]

this guy gg is just great he makes me laugh and with regards to the comments mentioning anti whatever just research the guy and you will find he goes after everybody,

[BuddhaMaster84]

He sounds like the Joker from The Dark Knight but better

[TheRMSAndre1]

The rabbit and bear joke is from Eddie Murphy.

[solidenber]

how does someones voice get so fucked up?

[014adonis]

Ohhhhhh and is this cunt giving you a hard time!!!!????

[Billinois78]

I'm trying to find a video of him doing the "Three named people" story. Anyone know if it's up and where it is?

[LoudnOut1]

@Billinois78 hey that video of that joke is up it is title GILBERT GOTTFRIED STAND UP COMIC.MPG, it was the first time i heard the joke i was dying

[zacharymrtn]

His voice makes " I want a sandwich" sound funny

[stiflerdawg]

shit that was funny

[Kreloar]

Iago has been transformed into a man.

[BouillonCubeNoob1]

I will never look at Iago from the movie "Aladdin" the same.

[EmperorCzarNicholas]

Gilbert's Voice Is "Hilariously Annoying", Thats Why He's Funny

[ellysuax3]

LMFAO chea

[DrSmellme]

Lottery joke is perfection. He really is the comedian's comedian.

[PurushaDesa]

@DrSmellme

I love how mean spirited that gag is. One of my favourites.

[Fersomling]

I've been enjoying Gilbert since the 80s. I saw him one time and he was telling about his first experience ever with the Jehovah Witnesses. Anyway, he said they came to his door. He got into a discussion with them and ask them if God was all-knowing and all-powerful. They said He was. Gilbert said, "Really? OK, let me

ask you this: Could God create a cock so big that even He couldn't suck it?"

[the26thhour]

Best JC joke ever

[KSE828]

All Gilbert has to do is talk and it's immediately funny. Man is a comical genius!

[GOFLuvr]

@KSE828 You said it best.... I have such fond memories of USA Up All Night because of him. (Though their "so stupid it's funny" movies were fun, too!)

[badddagurl12]

That's pretty funny! I can't stop laughing. LOL! Good stuff. Good stuff.

[thesimpsons2345]

What was the punch line of the first joke????

[rickface13]

@thesimpsons2345 I was talkin' to christ the other day, and he said hes got a hot date. So I said "You think you'll get lucky?" and he said "Yea, she'll fuck anything thats not nailed down!"

[darkalleyheroes]

The last one was genius.

[dom1811]

couldn't hear the first joke what did he say ??

[bubbiesdad]

@dom1811 I was talking to Christ the other day.

[kade6767]

Funny. And I was at this show. Front row. He was great.

[PoryGoon]

His Tweet about the earthquake wasn't even bad, I think it was appropriate, even though the situation was very rough. It is important to be able to laugh, even during times of tragedy. It's one of the best ways to move on.

[dissmaster1]

Gilbert is the best aflac lost one of the funniest guys on earth

[Fireworxs2012]

LMAO.....Gilbert is a national treasure...last great the great joke tellers....

AFLAC can suck my duck....lol

[redsoxdestroyer3000]

what did he say about the woman?

[Andriiya]

@redsoxdestroyer3000 Which woman?

[redsoxdestroyer3000]

@Andriiya when he said the joke about the woman goin to the dinatologist

[Andriiya1986]

@redsoxdestroyer3000 Oh, I believe he said.... Gyno: "What a hole, what a hole.".... Woman: "You didn't have to say it twice!"... Gyno: "I didn't, it was an echo."

[DaveBattenOnAir]

I like the gear

[CanadianGuitarist]

The Christ one both became my go-to joke and punched my ticket to hell. Nice work, Gilbert!

[RoboTHUG2]

gta 5!

[CrackHeadForLife420]

Oh no he lost his job as a voice actor for a duck for an insurance company oh noooooo.... who gives a fuck; I bet Gilbert sure doesn't

[DrPoon]

Love the way he delivered the lottery punchline.

[stackloads]

@john17972 I dreamed I was skiing

[CanadianGuitarist]

@john17972 I dreamed I was skiing!

[Vazcular]

All the haters are just pissed about the Japan Tsunami/Earthquake comments.

[sovereignsjust]

I don't get the What a hole one...

[JonLajoieFan25]

Too bad aflac fired him

[youngice604]

@JonLajoieFan25 he worked for ben aflac?

[JohnnyLovely2]

@JonLajoieFan25 WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

[Almondania]

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

[PorkFrog]

one of the great mysteries of the world is why the world's greatest comic is best known for playing a parrot, a toaster and a smoke alarm

deserves to take his place on Mount Rushmore with Carlin, Pryor and the rest...

[HateCrew119]

i love how almost every jokes starts with "A MAN"

[MsThebeMoon]

AFLAC!

[Olwarrior]

@MsThebeMoon Hey I hear AFLACs hiring!

[KothilnTawits]

@Olwarrior LOL

[MOHITMASTIWALA]

very funny

[bound4tahiti]

I went to see Gilbert in Las Vegas at the Hilton last night. First time. 2 tickets $124. He performed from 9:15 PM to 9:54. THAT'S IT! 39 MINUTES! That's the shortest set I have ever seen any comedian, musical or entertainment headliner do.  The audience was shocked when he said "Goodnight." Total RIP OFF. Gilbert, you got our money once and had a chance to gain 2 new fans for life. NEVER AGAIN.

[rch2288]

@bound4tahiti

I was at the same show. I think your clock was off a bit. He came on at 9:05 and ended it right at 10PM. An hour was still a short show. then again I got my tickets for free so I can't complain about the price. I wish the show would have just been all his dirty jokes. BTW...did you see Vince Neil with the two hot blondes up front?

[MockyRock]

@bound4tahiti please, you sound annoying.

[springwater202]

yea gilly my dude, keep these fucker's busting a motherfucking gut

[TeacherforLife]

what's the punch line for the joke at 4:42 ?

[TeacherforLife]

@TeacherforLife nvm people, got it

[fullbag50]

@TeacherforLife - Oh boy. The gyno/ob only said 'What a hole!' once...but because it was so vast (no doubt from either being rammed constantly by untold cawks, or, huge and over-sized cawks...or both), it created a cavernous situation betwixt her legs to where anything utter in the general proximity would wind up echoing and appear to be stated twice. She was appalled at the doctor's need to repeat himself, to where in truth, he did not.

[TeacherforLife]

@fullbag50 i already got it but thanks anyways. and i like how you described it in great detail with perplexing words and sentence structure

[pelagicnavigator]

Genius!!

[zeppy215]

FREAKIN HILARIOUS!!

[Wafaloo]

a lot of people say he stole the bear and rabbit joke from Eddie Murphy. Murphy used the joke in Delirious, which came out in 1983. But I actually heard the joke in Friday the 13th Part 2, which came out in 1981.

[bboyr28]

Funnyshit! Other than he stole the bear and the rabbit joke from eddie murphys delirious..

[makutateridax200]

kinda weird aint it two dirty comiedians playing comic relieif characters for kids movie like aladdin

Gilbert Godfried

and Robin Williams

[onelaststand1]

sounds like shit... but still funny as hell

[murdermaster420]

this fuccer is funny as hell

[psych4prez]

2 Asprins and a glass of water for the WIN

[MCP1579375]

Who does not love him?

[signofsatan]

one of the best. i can't watch more than 10 secs without laughing!

[Killoutoflove]

What's the punchline to the fist joke? I can't understand it.

[DOGxDAYxSONxRISE]

@Killoutoflove you can't understand "she'll fuck anything that's not nailed down?"

[Evi1M4chine]

Too much echo. Can’t understand a word.

[Kleavers]

Wow and I thought everyone had already heard the rabbit and bear joke from Eddie Murphy.

[FeoGrande]

@Kleavers THAT's where I heard that one before! thank you. oh well, small jokes like that are meant to be common. it's when people steal whole bits that people consider it plagarism.

[damnhot]

Gilbert is the best, loved him on Howard Stern.

[odoetah]

I don't care, just pack and get the f*ck out. lmfao

[AUSROTTENY2K]

I love the part where he rubs himself after the Christ joke. Almost like he's saying "Yes, I did motherfuckers"

True Comedy

[ambianimaton]

@AUSROTTENY2K no its funny  , you dont seem to get it, there are other implications, but rubbing his male tits for what could feel like almost a not quite a full minute, after they all paid their money and sat down "is it filming?? it was only like slightly 10 seconds, maybe over, but hey why not do that onstage

[upyerrzzz1]

@AUSROTTENY2K and if this had been some joke about, say Jews and their beliefs, it would no longer be comedy, but anti Semitic. The same groups are quick attacking/ridiculing others' beliefs, but god forbid they receive the same treatment. BS double standard.

[rgd32162]

@upyerrzzz1 Absolutely. I saw this little worm opening a concert I attended and he went into a long crude routine about Jesus. God for bid a comedian went into a long anti semetic routine.

[lipadier]

I so tried so not to laugh, but at around the bear/rabbit joke I finally cracked and then I couldn't stop laughing anymore until the end. And furter on. - The jokes are so silly, yet so good. It's all in the delivery.

[MrBrownstone1475]

His delivery is so good

[reedvid]

he's so annoying yet so amazingly funny.

[JackD413]

ROFL @ the lotto joke

[dragonslayerofthedam]

I never knew this guy was that funny; i had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard

[obesemarvy]

i love this man

[SecretAsianMan09]

He has jokes that make sense! Not just wriggling around on stage and saying the same word over and over again like Dane Cock...

[kryptonianpowers]

"A man has the words 'I love you' tattooed to his dick. He goes home to his wife, his wife says 'Stop trying to put words in my mouth!'"

That's my favorite.

[rockndude87]

"Dad I just got my first blow job!"

"Great son, how was it?"

"Tasted Awful..."

That was so freaking funny!

[scht101]

@rockndude87 That's one of the best jokes!

[ypoons89]

I think he is the funniest man ever! No doubt about it! He is great!

[The11colek]

Why is he yelling at me

[gretschplaya]

Am I going to hell for laughing at his Jesus joke?

[TheCavsfan22]

hahahahahahahahahahaha

[bluez4soul]

I didn't get the joke at 4:44

[RagDollSam]

@bluez4soul Really?

[nickreynolds777]

a guynacollegest is a sexual reproducion and pregnancy expert. i might have spelled it wrong lol.

[nickblaze420]

@nickreynolds777 thanks for that.

[ucantknockthehustle]

damn this guy loud as hell....LOL

[scurvypopo]

Alota these ive been hearin and tellin since i was ten

[Frankenpalin]

the bear/rabbit joke is from one of Eddie Murphy's live shows

[Rubio2388]

Hard to listen to the video but very funny

[failedlife1993]

He's hilarious, but I can't always understand the accent. (:

[junitono1]

im over here, dad!

XD

[laxmann3311]

the "what a hole" joke was from the movie predator

[mango7272]

LOL at the little boy and the blow job joke xD

[JozzyHBR]

My friend looks like him, lol

[RSrunner88]

I love the rabbit one, I wonder where Eddie Murphy got it from.

[gingerbreadface]

4.44 - stolen from the movie 'Predator', lol.

[pronessman]

He is fucked up

[fgtrdes]

Gilbert Godfried goes together perfectly with Andrew Dice Clay!!!! Here it comes honey where do ya want it?.........IN YOUR CRACK OR DOWN YOUR BACK!!!!! IN YOUR SNATCH OR DOWN YOUR HATCH!!!!!

[TinfoiL5956]

i cant undestand the gynecologist joke

[scht101]

@TinfoiL5956 The doctor said, "What a hole! What a hole." The woman said, "You didn't have to say it twice," The doctor said, "It was an echo," meaning her vagina echoed.

[TinfoiL5956]

@scht101 hilarious!

[Wiitendo49]

stop trying to put words in my mouth :D

[nickfromCO]

i cannot stop laughing.....LOL

[nicodagger]

I agree, my friends, GENIUS!! Just Gilbert on a small stage,, a light, , a small audience.....and non-stop brilliance...I've seen this many times, still funny, this is pure Vegas from the glory days....it takes a true master to do this kind of thing...he's my favorite Jew too, even more then myself!

[jebus1187]

pure genius

[Fersomling]

Gilbert is My Favorite Jew.

[cestevespr]

Funny stuff....the bear and the rabbit one was from eddie murphy though

[primaudiol]

yeah but I think eddie got it from Richard Pryor

[scht101]

My favorite is the first blow job joke.

[scht101]

@scht101 The one about the boy.

[MegaCrowman]

ThatOneAgain I guess masturbation makes you deaf too lol

[DavioPhillipsio]

Parrot off Aladdin

[Costoffplus]

what does the map comment mean?

[Elhibachi]

@Costoffplus because after the second request... peace in the middle East seems more doable

[LyricalSh0t]

hahahahaha, too right mate

[guitargodgod]

Aflac Duck

[EmileSabetiMehr]

@DavioPhillipsio

I know, eh! I can never watch that movie the same way again

[5656onelove5656]

hahahaha his voice is the best

[yellopanda]

where the fuck are the subs??

[andrei25ni]

6:38 LOL!

[ThatOneAgain]

I don't understand what he says at 4:11; the masturbation joke payoff.

[martyboi000]

@ThatOneAgain The son says "I'm over here, dad!"

[WarriorGirl1001]

He's stupid.

[frase1234]

bear and a rabbit are taking a poo - bear asks the rabbit if SHIT sticks to the rabbits fur - rabbit says no - so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes the bear's arse ( an oldie but a goodie )

[Razgriz0111]

eddie murphy does that same joke in delirious

[SonicRulez1515]

I couldn't fully understand the joke with the bear and the rabbit... could someone tell me what he said? =]

[AUSROTTENY2K]

Im probably going to get attacked for this but would somone expain the skiing punchline to me?

[CursedLuna]

woots Gilbert Gottried!

[yodi101010]

If you don't get the comedic genius we know as Gilbert Godfried, the line to see Dane Cock starts on the left.

[PurushaDesa]

Yeah it starts right under the '½ MILE to CREMATORIUM' sign.

[hicks727]

@yodi101010 actually it's on the right

[newjerseyfan101]

@yodi101010 dude i love both of them so fuck off

[charger619c]

@newjerseyfan101 nobody likes dane cook except 12 year old girls and frat boy wannabees

[newjerseyfan101]

@charger619c im a 14 year old guy and all my friends but 1 like him so

[dropofthegun64]

@newjerseyfan101

well that takes the 12 year old girl option out. What about the other one?

[bluez4soul]

@newjerseyfan101 We Can like both

[iloveselenagomez1001]

@yodi101010 wow 68 thumbs up. that's the most i ever seen

[nicodagger]

@yodi101010 AMEN!!! Classic.

[kazuo62]

Gottfried is brilliant.

[RalphMad]

The bear and rabbit joke was Eddie Murphy's off Delirious.

[kazuo62]

@RalphMad

Nah. The bear and rabbit joke is older. You can see it done at the beginning of Friday the 13th Part 2. Neither comedian invented that one.

[noedig1000]

naw like most jokes eventually your gonna hear them from diffrent comedians but some comedians strai up jack other peoples material... cough carlos mencia cough

[blobbercreep]

is he a jew?

or maybe an asian?

or an asian jew lol

[nickdastardly]

jew.

[DougJokester]

yes he's jewish

[noedig1000]

definetly jew know one else got the whiney voices like jewish people seinfeld gilber gottried joan rivers

[blobbercreep]

ah yeah, i knew he was jewish, i was just making a joke about his squinty asian like eyes, i did't think i'd get 3 replys lol.

[harbledarble]

@noedig1000 try using these things called "periods" and "commas" next time. it would be much easier to understand. thanks

[themooddisorders]

this man is very talented!!!!

[squidw3rd]

lol i dreamt i was skiing!

[C3M1C]

lol..grossssss

[mje5062]

i wanna open a fuckin bank account haha

[PurushaDesa]

LMAO - The lottery one is so mean!

[ecee77]

Lol...the bear and rabbit joke was taken from eddie murphie's "Delerious"

[leiposuctie]

well it's a pretty old one

[RalphMad]

I was just going to say that....since this comment is so low, I think I will anyway.

[Wafaloo]

Actually I first heard the bear and rabbit joke in Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981). Eddie Murphy's "Delirious" was released in 1983.

[ecee77]

I stand corrected...I might've known that if I had seen Friday the 13th before Delerious...hell, I don't even remember if I ever saw Friday the 13th part 2 to begin with... I'll have to go track that movie down now!