This Day In History: The Invention Of The Handjob

[AdmiralBetas]

"It was so elegant, and simple! :D"

[IceSlushi]

Blowjobs,Rimjobs,Stevejobs

[aqua1993]

They took my jerb!!!!

[frodo9]

If I do the handjob 8 hours a day... How large will my salary be. I think it's worth trying out.

[WickedDealer]

That Rimjob inventor seems about right, only a guy like that would invent something that gross.

[kenkarsonn]

I think I would vote for a president whose campaign slogan was "Handjobs, handjobs, handjobs!"

[Muzikman127]

happy 3 days ago handjob day!

[guckenberger]

That's the old guy from road trip!

[SageZane560]

"Without the handjob there would've been no blowjobs, rimjobs, or anyother jobs."

-I died-

[BrendanIsCool]

>insert job joke here

[Euposauridae]

I was waiting for him to say "The Steve Jobs"

[hem2100]

to make a foll of

[robert2bfootball]

@hem2100 wats a foll

[hem2100]

pleas do NOT mork HISTORY

[bubbajolee]

@hem2100 what does mork mean?

[wheelnut53]

the saddest day of my life was when I broke my Onion coffee cup $15 bucks down the drain now I just write onion on a cup from the 99 cants store

[RobbyGAMEZ]

FUCK handies, I gots a FIFI

[cmau14]

@MinecraftBlizzard you rub your dick in peanut butter and you get a chick to give you a handjob

[Dannnneh]

I'm doing science every time I jack off.

[sneakysnake20008]

these scientists need a golden statue

[suffern63]

Rubbing the shaft up and down like the blue blazes,definitely a scientific advance

[bobisking1257]

Puss in Boots was my ad for this video... how appropriate.

[20pwn20]

I can't believe people still think this is a serious news network, the reactions are just way too funny...

[prophetofdoom]

"there wouldn't be any blow jobs or rim jobs or any other jobs"

ROTFLMFAO

[wowspare]

Fortunately, he didn't patent it.

[Spiritualmindedify]

haha I love it how the onion exposes the news and media in such a great fashion that people who really look, see a great connection to real life media

[bexksamuel20]

Finally the answer appeared. Rubbing the shaft up and down like the blue blazzes! It is so elegant and simple!!! LMFAO

[iPwntNubs]

What about Steve Jobs?

[DailyHondaRidr]

@iPwntNubs Yea he got one

[AgentZeroTutorial]

@iPwntNubs That's fucking funny man

[bromixsr]

Rest in Peace Dr Gilgoff. You will forever be a true American hero.

[walruspictures]

God bless you Proffesor Gigloff

[gredangeo]

I think we need more "jobs" like these to "stimulate" the economy.

[MeredithBixby]

@gredangeo YES, America NEEDS More JOBS!!

[TalentedOrangeTv]

@gredangeo I do mondays and thursdays... No children no political figures.

[EarthAngel504]

@gredangeo there would be no need for an occupy wall street.

[gamefreak12321]

Don't tax the job creators

[aflsbrng]

finally one that is not 18+

[marvesmarves]

wait wait wait, I thought the German's are the one's who invented this, lol

[423jaws]

I save the tax payers 600 bucks a month on hookers and hustlers giving my own handjobs..........Member of Congress

[wing2912]

Give that man a Nobel Prize.

[KKillaJ]

@wing2912 take the peace prize from obama and give it to him you cant make war when your making love with your hand.

[qazzy]

As the economy suffers and money is dwindling low. The less jobs we get. Tough times.

[MrTyWebb1]

Fuck Garnier Fructis! that shit makes ur hair fall out!

[ZombieManiac007]

I wonder, what did the geeks used to do with all their buildups in those days before this invention was created... There should be a lot of buildup ~=.=~...

[AugustusLarch]

@ZombieManiac007

There was more unexplained and random killings back then as well.

[mrgoodstuff1990]

God Bless these pioneers!!! lol

[thirakwa]

"Zawad" loosely means f_u.ck er in some Indian languages. Is the name Vance Zawadaszki (rimjob inventor) a coincidence, or...?

[ilovetheview47]

i still think steve jobs are best

[burningsponge]

0:40 is that brad pitt shaking his head?

[llamamilk4]

@burningsponge I thought it looked a little like Leonardo dicaprio

[SubconsciousGatherer]

He's seated at the right hand of the Lord now.

[34601k]

See Obama created so many great jobs!

[pkil232]

if you had asked me to picture what the rimjob inventor looked like, i would've NAILED it.

[GeneralGoosey]

This is the sort of job creation politicians need to focus on.

[TheFlowerShield]

@GeneralGoosey

That's what Bill Clinton tried to do..

[SolarPhoenix61]

Aaron Breitler, Fisting Inventor LOL

[soccerdude120]

RIP Gilgoff.

[dammitcrap]

"his invention will live on forever."

it sure will. r.i.p. fred gilgoff :(

[dammitcrap]

@dammitcrap sorry... hand job :P

[thecapone45]

wtf is rimjob?

[killjoy131]

@thecapone45 curiosity killed the cat. stay innocent, young padawan.

[AuskaNeumaki]

@thecapone45 I think its when you lick the rim of somebody's asshole

[GKid51892]

@thecapone45 ........ *.*

[JeSuisTresFaim]

glad he didn't patent it

[L00PYL00PYL00PY]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA­HAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

[lgarvey]

"you hold onto it and rub it up and down like the blue blazes"

[HClark2013]

That may be the sweetest old man ever, i know this is fake and he was probably paid, but still, either of my grandpas would never be part in this hahahaha

[mra1996]

Id like to be a part of the experiment :3

[charbyteU]

Chicken chokin' or pulling yer pork sword's going to make you lose yer eyesight!

[Snoppen112]

truly one of the greatest heroes of all mankind

[jamieblond1]

Thank God, or somebody, for inventors like Dr. Gilgoff.

[articcoyfox]

A true visionary in his craft. Everyone should give him a hand! I meant clapping

[BLITZ3237]

this is onion news network, keeping you save from the lies

[RadiatorBoy]

Ring the bell you pussy

[Kerplunk990]

oh wow sheron, a nice old fashioned!!!!!!!!

[marvesmarves]

Discovered it myself when was a kid

[xptos1]

"...there would be no blowjobs, rim jobs, or ANY other jobs" hahaha

[xptos1]

dude this is too funny XD

[bennyd53]

Thank you science nerds! We Qvell at your appreciation of the hard work us unsung heros do to advance technology in the field of recreational procreational research. Expanding parameters of scientific sexual techniques in America is the last frontier of invention where our nation Blows China out of the water! They may have us beat in quantity, but our efforts to improve sexual technique have earned the USA unquestioned leadership in the field, proving that here Quality truly is JOB ONE!-Vance

[Hardstyleqt]

60 years ago today was a great day....

[Reluctanttreehugger]

F

A

G

S

[kat1pun4n]

"Gilgoff may be gone but his HandJob lives forever" -lol

[mauroo150]

@Ohmyasy, my too..

[Ohmyasy]

dumpert has send me

[vaxrave97]

It's creepy to assume a man did this

[MckyMseNTarotCrds]

The girl just holds onto it, and the boy wiggles his body back and forth? Um, it actually has worked that way for me a few times, haha. Like, if she puts it up against her leg or stomach or something? Priceless.

[TheJday930]

The host was smiling

[Dannywills666]

god bless you Dr. Gilgoff

[monk123ey]

steve jobs?

[pseudogenesis]

And this is what happens when Middle-School adults get cameras.

[afurman49]

131 people have erectile dysfunction

[jackanoryjames]

"Rowing the shaft up and down like the 'blue blazes"...

And a good invention it was...

[aislingniriada1989]

My new favourite hobby; Reading comments from idiots who think The Onion is a real news network.

[OldStyleMuay]

@aislingniriada1989 I agree!

[Senship]

I just love the look on the old man's face as he praises it as so "simple!"

[MidnightRedemption]

To all viewers: People who comments that this is 'Fake' is indeed trolls. This is real and my reliable than any news channels.

[charlestwoo]

LOL @ retard troll

[pathofoblivion]

@UMadYouNiggerFaggot Either your a troll or really stupid.

[hobo4524]

@UMadYouNiggerFaggot so wat if kids see this everybody at my school from at least 4th grade and up knows about sex

[aboodmatar]

@hobo4524

Stay of the internet.

[blankrofl]

@aboodmatar you should stay *off* the internet, rather then stay "of" the internet.

[ryuukatamura]

@UMadYouNiggerFaggot u mad

[shinuradevil]

@UMadYouNiggerFaggot

and ur english sucks

[05swanbe]

@UMadYouNiggerFaggot Were your parents siblings?

[aislingniriada1989]

@05swanbe lol

[BRPhillis]

@UMadYouNiggerFaggot This isn't sexual harrassment. They aren't asking you for pictures of your dick. And what are you going to do? Are you gonna sew them for showing something sexually related on the internet??? If you're concerned about you and your young friends seeing something about sex, THEN STAY THE FUCK OFF THE INTERNET!

[KyoshoCrew]

@BRPhillis

Don't you see you'r just as ridiculous as him just by replying to his comment....

[Zoics13]

@RawmanK lol im sure an 18 year old isnt a young kid

Pedo

[Deadmansparty2002]

There's really nothing to say other than, awesome!

[CamoonLee]

BREAKING NEWS! JOB CUTS SWEEP THE NATION!

(In other news, lesbian marriage is made legal in the US)

[Khonsu1212]

its also practiced in frathouses and homosocial spaces across America! handjobs rimjobs blowjobs BROJOBS lmao

[Looserkid13]

months of experimentation! lol.

[garrhook]

regarding rimjobs,blowjobs, etc, monkeys and such actually do stuff like that to each other, such as rimjobs, so likely our ancestors were doing rimjobs before we had even evolved into being humans

[kdraper2007]

This man cranked out so many great inventions during his life.

[Germtalia]

@kdraper2007 ahhhhhh !!!!

[RhythmicAlice]

wtf is a rimjob!? :D

[kdraper2007]

@RhythmicAlice You don't want to know! ;p

[Metallica42497]

@RhythmicAlice licking asshole

[EyequeenCasskulla]

@Metallica42497 I think they were making a reference to the South Park movie, except Sheila says what the heck. . .?

[siggysawdust09]

@Metallica42497 licking an asshole is called "tossing the salad" see comment above for detailed info on what a rimjob is

[siggysawdust09]

@RhythmicAlice well after hard and long anal sex the rectum will gape open. the act of a rim job is after the penis is removed from the anal canal the male (or if your partner is female with a strap on) will lick the gaping ring of the anus. it can be just the external as well as internal. if you wanna know more like the "donkey punch" or "Portuguese Breakfast" feel free to ask. =) have a nice day

[puniks2112]

I hear that research is on going ........

[tkoillusion]

hahahahahahaha

[getemall69]

lol props to the old guy makeing going to the movies fun again

[sexykeenan]

"rimjob inventer" hahaha that guy

[sean9820]

Everyone loves a nice "old fashioned"!

[psych0tic855]

dey tuk err jerrbbbs

[666danielclark666]

The one thing America needs right now is more Jobs...

[Noobst3R99]

We need jobs!!!

[TheMusicAscending]

is that Stan Lee?

[gmorfinz]

this jobs should stay in america rather than being outsource

[lokifeatronin]

hilarious....

[elk832]

I wanna hear the story of the guy who invented the Rusty Tromboner.

[AClRCLEOFLlGHT]

"Like the BLUE BLAZESSS!" That old man is so win... give him a permanent job at your studio!!!  I want to see the perverted old man more often, he's hilarious!

[Outragedjoker]

They should memorialize whoever invented the blow job.

[ELMcADAM]

@Outragedjoker Must have been a dentist, there always telling me to open wide....

[SK371]

I came up with the handjob on my own when I was 9, before I even knew that it was already a patented and award winning idea

[SK371]

@SK371 Of course at the time I did not think to include a second person. Simple but genius

[Sarevok12778]

Half off Hand Jobs!  We cut out the middle man!

-The internet.

[khodo63]

That can't be the real inventor. The handjob was actually constructed in the 1700's.

[gabrielg01]

FDA approved!

[Gerdrako20]

Now I am interested on a documentary of the invention of the blowjob

[dovla1389]

long live handjob,fuck sex.

[icepickmeetstemple]

A real travesty that he was never awarded the Nobel prize in physics for this groundbreaking work.

[willg46]

they took er' jobs!

[MadiZone]

This is one kind of job that I'm truely happy to have performed by East Asians.

[rwtf112sm]

these are the types of jobs Obama should be concentrating on creating.

[rickygervais1776]

The Onion is in serious danger of getting crappy. All these new ones are pretty bad.

[farmerdude5]

@rickygervais1776 fuck you

[rickygervais1776]

@farmerdude5 Good point.

[farmerdude5]

@rickygervais1776 My point is just as valid as yours. No facts or rationale, just empty words.

[epit0me]

What can i say about Gilgaf? He's the master. If no one had ever invented the hand job, there would be blow jobs, rim jobs, or any other jobs.

[heyocanada]

it's the grampa off road trip lol.

[sylvur]

I shall fire my canon to honor this great man! I salute you!!!

brb... gonna go fire it right now.

[TEVINMOSSJR]

l"Rubbing the shaft up and down like the BLUE BLAZEZ haha

[amoo2007]

i couldnt get pass the title with out bursting into laughter

[zecle]

i would have named him Fred Jerkov

[henryusyay]

blow job = velocity X mass of hand

[scwrestler21792]

handjobs are for chumps. wowwies are waaaaaay better

[EclecticSceptic]

@scwrestler21792 A 'wowwie' sounds like something you'd get off your mum.

[scwrestler21792]

@EclecticSceptic come on, you know thats not what it is

its just another way to say blow job. not that big a deal guy, take it easy

[abrakadabra1717]

in science we trust, and our hands