Old, Grizzled Third-Party Candidate Threatens McCain's Base

[AvsJoe]

John McClane: "Challenge accepted, motherfucker!"

[djtrixen]

Joad for Prez!!

[TagRation]

LOL he's from "Buzzard's Gulch, SD"

[CaptainLumpyDog]

CRESSBECKLER 2012!!!

[C4truth]

at 1:10 lol crossbeckler has a better energy policy xD

[Ibledue]

The horse would do a much better job.

[ChainmailleAddiction]

holy fuck im so voting for him,hes got balls.

[1985MANAmericana]

The anti-Verizon ad at the beginning was better than the video.

[MrSatan1003]

Joad Cressbeckler 2012

[EBlaxalove]

69 people dont use immigrants for energy

[SuperBlargle]

You can't put a bucket over a pig's head it'll just make him skittish!!!!! Never gets old ROFL

[phdan123]

@SuperBlargle Thats actually a fairly accurate representation of the effects of sanctions

[charlesfransis]

Must be a Teabagger.

[DraconianKindness]

I'd vote for Joad

[housecry]

Energy Policy: Use Immigrants

I can't breathe...

[arsenelupin123]

This is now even closer to reality.  God damnit.

[b0010100b]

did anyone else peep "Sudan to send 200 soldiers to Iraq, for vacation." on the ticker? lmao

[kDest]

I never knew Ron Paul was in the Spanish-American war.

[DrSwNemo]

At least the horse would be more decisive than Congress.

[jtizz711]

Cressbeckler 2124!!!

[darthspeaks]

McCain would have made a many fold improvement to the white house than that moron residing there currently.

[Berzerkerevl]

@darthspeaks nah he'd probably be just as awful.

[TutKatan]

Cressbckler's energy policy is to "use immigrants".

[papersplease]

Joad Cressbeckler/Basil Marceau 2012

[xxVampirePenguinxx]

69 did a thing

(oh god please thumb me up im so original)

[snopro54]

So true, pigs are skiddish creatures...

[spentfromnz]

I highly doubt this ornery old basterd could split a cord of wood quicker than John McClane.

[Mikemaladar]

good god I am an idiot. I was dumbstruck for the entire video then I saw "TheOnion"

[gigan36]

"I got a tax plan for ya!"

[EltonvonCthulhu]

If Cressbeckler fought in the Spanish-American War, the most conservative estimates would place his age at around 128 years old. He certainly knows how to stay young, doesn't he?

[electorg]

@EltonvonCthulhu anyone over on thirteen has my vote for the next election

hope he runs again

XD

[zzman305]

"I'm voting for a man I can see drowning a bag of cats"

[1watchnU2]

@zzman305 Best line ever

[Jackpot1990]

i'd vote for him

[loupgarou5z3w]

Cressbeckler would be right at home on Fox News, especially Fox & Friends.

[Inky95]

Horse congress sounds like a brilliant idea, might actually get something done then...

[vsdefender]

@Inky95

Agreed. At the very worst I don't see how the horse can do any worse than Congress has already done.

[scythian0528]

I love how the Onion keeps implying Cressbeckler is 140 years old.

[undertyped1]

When she said I only support a man i can see drowning a bag of cats i painfully had pop go out of nose. Most painfull laugh ive had.

[amishsoundguy]

69 people are wrath minded taters.

[deadguy718]

@amishsoundguy LOL 69!

[DevNulZor]

OMG! They said "WAR for the White House!" Clearly TheOnion is responsible for the shooting of Gabrielle Giffords. How dare they be so irresponsible!

[HomleandSecurity]

@DevNulZor All liberals are responsible.

[Boobalopbop]

@DevNulZor Not funny.... Not even mildly clever.

[Blueyedgirl357]

"number of dislikes are something bad related to the video"

[DTM2929]

We need more Joad.

[ossim777]

The only thing going to china would be missiles!

[DeusMalleus]

This guy should run in 2012 just for the lulz

[faerieguts]

HAHAHA you can't put a bucket over a pig's head, it'll just make it SKITTISH!

[sexykatie90]

TheOnion my msn in profile! Old, Grizzled Third-Party Candidate Threatens McCain's Base

[MRJAWright24]

A horse that's stomps once for 'yes' and twice for 'no' lol

[restitution69]

I'm voting for a man I could see drowning a bag of cats....

[Enthos2]

I like him; he's mad all the time.

[id1337x]

spanish american war lol

[Brenaim]

I'm voting for a man I can imagine drowning a bag of cats.

[JayLaMarr7]

Favorite part: "YOU. CANT. PUT. A BUCKET OVER A PIGS HEAD!!... IT'LL JUST GET SKIDISH!!!!"

[intraversa3000]

I love how some people like Moragauth over here try to make postings on a hilarious video, just to draw more attention to their own political sway.

[urinalbushrat]

I want a "Joad Cressbeckler 2012" presidential campaign ute bumper sticker. And I'm a New Zealander.

[MonstahhB]

He's got my vote.

[YouDoobed]

Replacing congress with a horse sounds like a move in the right direction.

[arcadian4life432]

hahahaha wow. its so accurate of some of the people in America that its scary o.O

[tomthefunky]

@arcadian4life432: He's not as scary as your Nazi grandparents. I really hope they had bombs dropped on them and they were burned alive. Or maybe your grandmother was gang-raped by Russian soldiers. That would be great. Either way, great numbers of Germans were killed during the war- much to the improvement of the world in general.

[etheangel2220]

wow this guy would be even more popular than palin...she better hope Cressbeckler doesnt become her competition!!

[Moragauth]

Funnily, he makes more sense than Obama. I like how McCain's policy is caricatured. I know this is a parody but his healthcare is as socialistic as Obama's, in different respects...

[kate10662]

haahhahahah "Crossbeckler Energy Policy: Use Immigrants" 

[JoeJoeyJose]

00:01

[vidguy007]

The Rent's too Damn High!

[TarenReyem]

mexican american war lmfao

[Perfectshun1]

HHAHA "Chressbeckler ignoring polls, beleiving numbers are the devils work!!!"

[xNeverthought]

Holy fuck, how over the top is the intro ident? The BBC looks so dowdy in comparison.

[Drmofothegreat]

i support this mans policies, flask of whiskey and needle and thread for all!

but i would rather replace congress with a hornless unicorn.

[MustangsCanTurnToo]

"....and then when I'm President, WE'LL KILL 'EM!"

[aaroncar]

No doubt, I'd vote for this guy.

[darklink1017]

I just LOVE the fact that the Onion made him a Gleen Beck satire...lmfaoo

[TomerMMHA]

@darklink1017 Well, they're bipartisan. Everyone can find something The Onion did which they liked. What interests me more is seeing how people react when all of the sudden The Onion jokes about their favorite people. As if they're only allowed to bash one side.

[marochima2]

i would totally vote for Cressbeckler

[50centfan111]

hahahah 2 months sheriff of diablo river mining settlement

[PaintballOwnager]

its known around the country well not that old its headed a judge in that case!

[hybridthehobo]

Now, he has a show on the Onion News Network. He just made an episode, check it out!

[vladtheeditor]

Well, what do you know, the Onion predicted success of Tea Party!

[Xonx68]

Flask of whiskey, needle and thread for ALL!

XD

[davelantor]

McCain just lost half of his voters :), and the other half went away when he started shooting with the gun :D

[atki2828]

How the right wingers have come so close ot this reality is amazing.

[twittertwat08]

"replace congress with a horse that stomps once for yes and twice for no" LOL

[if6was10]

im voting for a man i can imagine drowning a bag of cats

[Slapnutzmalone]

That old man talking about McCain and wood strangely gave me an erection which I beat to a bloody pulp with a clothes iron set to "steam".

[higiggly59656]

Hes a better president than Obama =D he should be president lol

[SethHesio]

@higiggly59656 how so?

[Victoria5602]

The counting horse has my vote!

[captinseperoth]

PART 3

# Social progression – "Government should refrain from legislating morality."

# Veterans affairs – "Vigilant advocacy relating to the medical, financial, and overall well-being of our military families and veterans."

[Tw1St3DSt33L]

@captinseperoth Wow



[captinseperoth]

PART TWO

# Education/Scientific advancement – "Increased public and private emphasis on fields such as space, oceanic, medical and nanotechnology. Also, providing common-sense solutions to enhance our educational system from pre-school to university-level studies."

# States' rights – "Each state can determine its course of action based on local values and unique needs."

[captinseperoth]

PART ONE

The six tenets of the Modern Whig philosophy are

Fiscal responsibility – "The Modern Whig philosophy is to empower the states with the resources to handle their unique affairs."

Energy independence – "Reduce dependence on foreign oil by developing practical sources of alternative energy. This will have the simultaneous effect of changing the national security dynamic.

[qface64]

"flask of whiskey, needle and thread for all"

wow i wish i could vote for this guy

[deceiver123m]

GET THIS MAN SOME CAMPAIGN MONEY

[87arkangelz]

took my job!

[MrAdmiralAwesomeness]

"Quote from the video"

[DonZabu]

@MrAdmiralAwesomeness

"Comment thinking I'm super cool for not quoting the video in the comments".

[DonZabu]

@MrAdmiralAwesomeness

Not funny.... Not even mildly clever.

[TheDudeistPriest]

@DonZabu I doubt you could do better, asswipe. You probably quote videos and post "thumbs up if you..." comments to pander for vote-ups.

[DonZabu]

@TheDudeistPriest

1. I don't.

2. The "I doubt you could do better" needs to die.

[84Martin]

@DonZabu I know, right? Typical moron who claims to be bored and annoyed by Youtube comments and looks down on quote geeks (like myself) but reads them all anyway! Give it up!

[thebigJM92]

War experience- Spanish-American war. LOL!

"Cressbeckler has refused to ever speak to a foreigner in his life"

I love this sh*t!

[ThePsychoReturns]

Age - Unknown

[homebuiltindoorplane]

the old prospector one had me laughing for weeks!!!

[truesilverman]

Betcha that horse would make better decisions than the current idiots in Congress.

[ploopyfaceplant]

"im voting for a man i can imagine drowning a bag of cats"

Awesome

[jdfred1970]

" I like him.... he's mad all the time " lmao

[1watchnU2]

"I'm voting for a man I can imagine drowning a bag of cat". OMG LMAO. Her face was dead serious..

[Leiashack]

HILARIOUS!

[UnanimousDelivers]

the extra cheer sound fx in the back are totally unnecessary. But then we learned that after all the town hall fun that followed the election.

[IceDrake523]

If the 2012 election is Obama vs Palin, I'm writing in Joad Cressbeckler

[EreinionEluchil]

Palin's granddaddy.

[macrochronic]

LOL yosemite sam for president!

[TheGreatArgument]

I've got a tax plan for you!

[losartandeterment806]

LMFAO

[chorbap]

I love this guy. Continue to bring more of him.

[TheAutiger13]

this is comedy gold

[joystick1101]

lol spanish-american war.

[FightTheCorporations]

Congratulations grandpa! You made it on the Onion! You still own me that dime for mowing your lawn!

[AIWARAS619]

The world already sees America as the "scum of the world united", and this opinion won't ever change, so at least you should have a president who cares less about how he looks to the world and more what he does for the country.

[Herv3]

I'm voting Cressbeckler!

[estoywatchingvids]

"...a horse that stomps once for 'Yes', twice for 'No'" lol

[SuperBlargle]

LMAO!

[Y0ts0]

thats a real american. (i`m european)

[Rahavin1]

@Y0ts0 yes, we know. good work.

[Smullet90]

@Y0ts0

good job!! you must've worked hard to be that way!

[cloudld]

Cressbeckler believes obama to be a shoe shine boy.

[zackincarbonite]

@cloudld He isn't?

[fitzyp]

His show is gonna be fucking awesome

[fugyfuny]

I especially like Crossbecklers' energy policy though it is a bit ambiguous.

[neonsilkworm]

2:01 Subtitle "Cressbeckler believes Obama to be a shoe shine boy" -- I almost felt ashamed holding in a laugh at that.

[kerdogg3]

McCain dislikes asians XD 2 years later this still makes me laugh

[tvfan777]

'The Cressbeckler Stance' -- Coming Soon To The Onion News Network!!!!!!!!!!! Hooray!

[dongerado]

jajajaja john mclain

[bobzilla211]

joad cressbeckler is a real american patriot who served in the spanish-american war

[101shellybelly101]

It was this episode that got me to start watching the onion lol.

[treespit]

ROTFLOL OMG, that was so funny!!!  I love him!!!!!

[BoredGuyWithCamera]

Reminds me of George Wallace, if anybody can remember him.

[Umprella]

The horse idea sounds pretty good, imo

[KMO325]

@Umprella lol agreed

[danifonck19]

"murder victim killed before achieving dream of fighting off a murderer" ROFL

[wasp9]

I'd vote for a spanish american war vet.

[feeblepizza]

Joad Cressbeckler would be a great President, were he real. I'm serious.

[knalldor]

I think i saw this guy at a tea-party rally XD

[MightyGoldenBoy]

"I'm voting for a man i could imagine drowning a bag of cats"

[GhostDistortion]

John McClain and a donkey with vipers! LMAO

[DaytonaRoadster]

Cressbeckler, king of tea partiers

[nowittycomment]

Sounds like your standard Tea Party member.

[omega4104]

You have to support anyone who participated in the Spanish-American War

[OpieJohansen]

Don't blame me, I voted for Cressbeckler!

I was especially sold on his idea to replace Congress with a horse that stomps once for yes, twice for no --- the probability of it running just as it does today is high, but minus all the useless debate and political banter.

For example, Senator Carl Levin or Congressman Dingell were against this idea and made long speeches voicing their disdain ---HELLO!!!...two stomps would have sufficed.

[helenmont312]

this isn't even remotely funny

[uniongolfer33451]

I think it is... I have a feeling you are in the minority...

[TheLonelyImmortal]

Amazing- He's the ideal Republican candidate!

[5308675309]

I'm not going to lie... I would be happier with the horse.

[MystikWizard]

McCain refuses to speak to enemies of the US.

Cressbeckler refuses to speak to ANY foreigners!

LOL.

[gremlin66n]

just noticed the scroll text at the bottom - Murder victim killed before achieving dream of fighting off a murderer. HAHA

[gremlin66n]

HAHAHA Spanish American war...and when he fires the blunderbuss HAHAHAHAH

[ThundercatVIII]

The Onion is fucking awesome

[Iamjustherek]

LOL

[MiamiIndianTribe]

i;d vote for the old guy

[taxmonkey123]

War Experience: Spanish American War

[forcuera]

you fool thats why you are not president.

[bubbyeater]

Now, if I was president, ONLY THING BE GOIN' TO CHINA WOULD BE MISSILES!!!

[Malamala46]

well than its a good thing your not president eh?

[GalaticTG]

so basically nothing's changed.

[Lavalampoflava]

We shouldn't be teaching kids calculators! Every time I go to washington rat's donkey snake oil.....

I'm so glad someone finally made that point!

[Ryuinfinity]

You can't put a bucket over a pig's head, it will just make him SKITTISH!

[MarketAndChurch]

lol wtf, replace congress with a horse that stomps once for yes, and twice for no, awesome vid