Cinematic Excrement - episode 6: Princess of Mars, part 1

[smoogirl]

Looking at the tusked beasts makes me want to get fake tusks and parade around... *sweat drop* I hate my boar obsession xD

[Kousaburo]

The thing is, John Carter looks like an exact replica of Avatar. So The Asylum got there first.

[msciolny]

hey smeg they actually MAKING THIS movie now , its called JOHN CARTER and main role is played by guy who played gambit in xmen wolverine

[UpSky2]

This "movie"'s script has got to be the Worst Ever.

And the title's no treat either. Why didn't they have the common sense to name it, John Carter Of Vasquez Rocks -??

[reownergames]

@UpSky2 you gonna see John Carter on March 9th?

[Ralokone]

funny thing is, if they were more faithful to the book, it would have better resembled avatar

[reownergames]

@Ralokone go to the theaters on march 9th, they'll be a surprise waiting for you!

[evenfall369]

I swear, this piece of garbage is nothing compared to to actual book, same with the Disney Tarzan movie. My only hope is that the Princess of Mars movie coming out next year follows the storyline to SOME degree.

[Ralokone]

@evenfall369 okay Im a huge burroughs fan, but bro . . . come on really? You are going to complain about the disney film, did you even ever read the original books?

proffessor porter in the books was infinitly mroe silly than in the movie

[kryptosdaddy]

This is critical excrement, but critics are the ultimate losers. This ass should read a book sometime. There are 11 books in the series and not all are about carter and Thoris.

I watched this last year and really had to try and not run out of the room.

[dantheman931]

That's the only expression Traci Lords has in ANY fucking movie. I swear to God, bitch's face NEVER FUCKING CHANGES.

Actually, I take that back; I saw her smile once. Scared the piss out of me.

[christo930]

In the book there is an atmosphere plant which is impenetrable and can only be accessed via tones which John Carter learns when he is taken in overnight by the overseer of the atmosphere plant. It has nothing at all to do with the ship the Tharks shoot down that Dejah Thoris is captured from. I suggest reading the book. ERB was one of the best story tellers ever. No realistic science, but great story telling. Almost all of his books are available for free from gutenberg.

[christo930]

In the book series, Kantos Kan is John Carter's son. I can assure you this is nothing like the book. I have read all 10 John Carter novels multiple times and this piece of crap is nothing like the books with only minor details making it into the movie.

[Ralokone]

@christo930 no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no KANTOS KAN WAS NOT JOHN CARTERS SON

John carter had a son and a daughter, his son was CARTHORIS, a combination of carter and thoris, his daughter was tara

kantos kan, if I remember correctly. Was a red man that he fought in the warhoon arena, and later helped escape.

[christo930]

@Ralokone In Gods of Mars, John Carter unknowingly meets his son in the underwater prison of the blacks. For some reason I was thinking it was Kantos Kan, but you are right.

[Ralokone]

@christo930 not an underwater prison bro, island of shador, an island in an underground sea . . . not underwater though

otherwise they wouldnt have been able to escape via the fact the building didnt have a roof

I AM A GIANT NERD D:

[christo930]

@Ralokone Yes you are right. That is how they escaped. John Carter and his son could both jump up to the top of the cells and that is how they escaped, since the cells didn't have a roof.

I really liked the next book where John Carter accessed the rotating prison cells from underneath and ended up in the north pole. That and the Swords of Mars where the star (I forget his name) died "the death". There is a fan fic version of that story from point of view of the girl. GREAT READ!

[Ralokone]

@christo930 you got a link to that fan fic bro?

yeah . .. about to prove myself even MORE OF A DORK, carthoris couldn't actually jump that high he could only jump "almost that high" he made that point, but they were able to get him out :I

i think that the one where the characters died "the death" was actually a fighting man of mars . . . I dont remember though . . .

[christo930]

@Ralokone Sure, check your in box. There are a lot of cool fan fiction stories out there.

[Ralokone]

@christo930 rocking . . . thanks bro, oh and keep your eyes open because next month we are getting a trailer to the proper john carter of mars film

and an honest opinion on this movie . . . I like the wildlife dynamic they have, big bugs and bird thingies . . . . the wildlife dynamic seems to work . . . and if this was an ORIGINAL STORY not based on the book . . . then it owuld have been a better movie

[christo930]

@Ralokone When is this version coming out? I want to see it on opening day. Of course, if it hadn't had the princess of mars title, nobody would have ever made it.

[Ralokone]

@christo930 disneys john carter will be coming out less than a year from now march 9th 212

[Pariah1974]

@Ralokone and it will likely blow ass too. I have confidence in Disney to do anything but water it down and make it "safe."

[reownergames]

@Ralokone I am waiting for John Carter as well, can't wait to see it!

[lotr343]

I thought this was a fantastic review for a crappy movie

[ImperatorOfRoma]

Shame... A Princess of Mars one of my favorite BOOKs of all time. Edgar RIce Burroughs is great. I couldn't sit through this movie, though. It really did suck (but a good one is coming out soon, hopefully).

Look at this. The book has no copyright anymore and is available here *replace (dot) with . :

gutenberg(dot)org/files/62/62-­h/62-h(dot)htm

and almost all of his books are available (part way down the page and under his name) here:

gutenberg(dot)net(dot)au/plusf­ifty-a-m(dot)html

[Rich711]

A Princess of Mars is a really well known Sci Fi novel written long before Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy. Then again this douche bag doesnt even bother turn on the light in his uncleaned room before sharing his opinion so why would I expect he would know what he is talking about. Alot of this squinty eyed schmucks problems with the story are from actual story. If youre aware of Sci-Fi before Firefly and Hitchhiker than you may enjoy a poorly acted B-movie of a sometime accurate classic

[raymondleeleggs]

I actually thouht POM was a Decent B-Movie It looked impressive for its budget..

[49860]

man that was hilarious. your videos are awesome!

[FuryTisiphone]

Haha, they didn't even bother to sew name tapes onto the "Army" guy's uniforms.

[postdesrapides]

Thank you for helping not waste my time, I love ERB books and from these clips, I can see that Asylum spent about a buck ninety eight on this film. Jeez, didn't they even read the Earth time line(post civil war) or a description of the Tharks. I hope that the ERB estate still has claims and sues the crap out of them!

[crazybubbleyum101]

Awesome review!! 8D