Experts Agree Giant, Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat

[lukeiamyourfaja]

I WILL find a video with Clifford Banes in it.

[5p4cem4n]

More real than Fox News.

[NativeAlternative]

Its stories like these that make me wonder if The Onion is actually meant to be a news organization that exists within the fictional Universes of most modern fiction. I can imagine in a film where Giant Crabs attatck Earth a news channel would likely cover the incident as it unfolded with this level of naivety : B

[WeEatBrainz]

Attack its weapoint for massive damage!

[WarriorOfWriters]

Willem Defoe is not evil, Willem Defoe is not evil, Willem Defoe is not evil

[Monumentum616]

We all know that you just have to attack the weak spot for massive damage. Sorry.

[jeandufac2]

It is completely insane to have produced such huge crabs ! I am not confident at all in this technology ! If they are as intelligent as the panelist describes, they may end up destroying the world, or worse, New York !

[amartinjoe]

lol!!! loved the jeff goldblum - jurassic park reference!!

[shawnymac28]

@gazugaXP  you're a moron. Its not jeff goldblum. If its anyone its willem dafoe

[TimThomason]

@shawnymac28 1:24 = Willem Dafoe ("Dr. Lester Murdock" - the creater of the Super-Crabs)

1:51 = Jeff Goldblum ("Dr. Branch LePage" - the naysayer scientist who for some reason doesn't like the idea of Super-Crabs)

[ironmantis25]

i wish i live in onion world

[randomD777]

i thought a giant crab claw would crash through but its betterto not get the expected

[Lethn]

Kids should be made to watch Onion News Network so they can learn to sort bullshit from facts in real news.

[TheJP3372]

"No way of breaking out of restraints"

Well, guess the acid is useless eh?

[gusgossner]

How dare they say Clifford Baines is not a good host? Unbelievable that such rude things can be said of the master debater? 

[persiansdrinktea]

Are these arguments for real or are they comedy

[palek555]

@persiansdrinktea comedy

[AdmiralBetas]

I, for one, welcome our new Crustacean Overlords.

[TheHockeyfan200]

Sooo fake who ever put this on go f your self

[ZenSeizure]

Even if they did wanna pop off, giant enemy crabs always have a weak point ;)

[Elheru42]

There are two things I love about these videos - the videos themselves and the comments under them. It is wonderful how people hop on pretending that they think these are real so they can start an argument. They must be laughing themselves silly. And the funniest yet is people doing that exact thing on something as ridiculous as this clip. Giant crabs ... hahahahaha.

[Blamepandora85]

Ah the onion.

[KITT171]

Quick attack their weak point!!!

[NickyAmerica]

Someday, You'll all be realizing that these are a threat, You'll know your mistake when you see a giant enemy crab and attack its weak point for massive damage.

And on that day, You'll be sorry you never listened to me.

[Zeldanon]

Well, I won't be expecting that one reporter at the end to be on the next segment, or, if she is, she probably knows how to wield an RPG like a motherfucker.

[TheYouwontgetit]

why should you even be worried...?

[ThePureEast]

Nice Wilem Defoe cameo

[jockboy1234]

@he went on to give us giant marvellous crabs

lololol

[Thez0mb13s1ay3r]

yes murdock is a scientist....he he..no reason to be worried..he he ..at all...oh shit

[englishman177]

then Dr. Lepage and his attractive assistant escape the invasion of Crabs, setting out on an exciting adventure to stop Mordock's diabolical plans, possibly breaking into an abandoned laboratory which conveniently holds the secret to defeating the crabs and even befriending a small yet intelligent crab that turns out to be a useful ally in their mission. eventually the unorthodox team destroy the queen crab, Mordock escapes, vowing revenge on Lepage and the nation is saved.

[QuickManaNoNova]

Sounds like every movie ever.

[RatSausages]

Wait a minute! Are you serious?! I can't believe what I am seeing here! This must be stopped before it gets out of hand!

[andrewfink1]

@RatSausages you are either a moron or your sarcasam is wasted

[Thez0mb13s1ay3r]

@RatSausages nah lets just go with it what can go wrong you nay sayers always stoping progress oh remember the inhibiter to make people be less angry using the ebolia virus that would have been a success even though after it was released we havent heard form london but I am sure it is just a coincedance

[destroyerdogRX78]

CRAB BATTLE!

[way2tehdawn]

Typical Conservative view, super crabs pose no threat and will save on infrastructure spending.

[gelos7008]

You know, i don't remember her returning to the show

[donovan3955]

inb4 cloverfield

[lanasevol]

they took our jawbs!!!

[cjcool91]

@lanasevol Durka der!

[shaboopie12]

LOL @ DR. murdock 

[ThreeSeventyFive]

It was Black Mesa for sure.

[Judojack5]

Great, now I'm going to lose my construction job to a giant crab.

[hurricaneomega]

something something something MASSIVE DAMAGE

[TheDarthNacho]

They need a weak spot we can hit for MASSIVE damage

[twobirdstone]

"He went on to give us giant, marvelous crabs." Lol.

[bombstad94]

Let the people know: Jeff Goldlbum hates giant crabs.

[HolySausage]

Anyone think "mordock" sounds too much like "murdoch" :)

[loloynage]

Rather die out in progress, then die out in ignorance.

[Wafflepudding]

CRAB BATTLE!!!

[goodnamepending]

r these the same crabs that crawl around in my bush?

[nvm78218]

flash photography lol

[Horticultural1]

Wouldn't these crabs replace even more American workers and wreck the economy?

[PlatinumMaggard]

Like if you went back and checked for his robotic claw hand.

[EltonvonCthulhu]

If Willem Dafoe is the evil scientist and Jeff Goldblum is the good one, who's the attractive female assistant supposed to be? Laura Dern? Marg Helgenberger? Gwyneth Paltrow? Julianne Moore?

[YouzACoopa]

we're finally on par with ancient Japan

[MrSleepylk]

if i lived in their world i would over throw all goverments and economies just by using plain logic

[TheEmospeeds666]

I don't know why, but I don't trust Dr. Mordock.

[PSNtheDutchFella]

the Onion sure likes to talk about Detroit a lot.

[MrGiant648]

Instead of: you got mail! It will be: you got crabs!

[AngryAngus3]

as ian malcom said: "life finds a way"

[gray2332]

GIANT ENEMY CRAB

[brinkofconfusion]

deathclaws anyone?

[SynysterIsBeast]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This shit is so funny!

[ThePixeLLover]

ok i just lost all faith in humaniti

[XUnsafeNormalX]

Jeff Goldblum is the perfect liberal scientist

[ediblekonataizumi]

iv seen people that believe the stuff there saying on EVERY video by the onion...if i see some on here...i think its time to kick some ass >:O

[Jjames763]

This is disturbingly tame compared to the real life K. Planticola fiasco. I shit you not, had this fabricated strain not been halted from introduction in time it would have killed all terrestrial plant life. It was supposed to produce fertilizer in live plants and make alcohol from dead ones, but it just decomposed the plant while it was still alive AND poisoned it with alcohol. Did I mention that natural K. Planticola is in every last plant?

[MetophoricalMushroom]

This is every book I've ever read.

[doktorzoom]

110 people don't trust science.

[Ninjarni]

haha what game is this

[saveyourselfagain]

My money's on that mild-mannered mathematician with the attractive assistant.

[93tomb]

I really want this to be a movie. Does that one eyed scientist look like willem dafoe?

[greg17815]

"You gotta trust the scientists - they know what they're doing!"

[SuperBeautifulNoise]

This was funny enough for me the favorite it

[shadow21491]

Ted Levinson there looks like an old Colbert

[peanutmaster1231]

i thought crabs werent all that bad. but then i had sex with your mother.

[903harman]

they each cost $599

[gazugaXP]

stoaked on jeff goldblum being the scientist

[RedFaris]

"...There's gonna be a lot of flash photography..."

Brilliant writing even in the details. The Onion at its best.

[kidasterorig111]

@realskpetic I was trying to make a point

You hurt my feelings T_T

[ShatteredEquilibrium]

Fucking hell, that's the Onion News I fell in love with, the Onion News at tis bloody best :)

[TheLeperchron]

eh, my ex g/f had bigger ones..

[concubinage]

What's their connotations behind these crabs, baby crabs and queen crabs?? What was happening in march 09??

[kidasterorig111]

That's like saying Godzilla won't make no damage. =or=

The virus those scientists said that will cure cancer in I AM LEGEND but instead killed most of us humans

[BBradshawProductions]

I would so eat those crabs!

[MouthofSaurons]

Are they GIANT ENEMY CRABS?

[SexyArcanine666]

Paris Hilton's crabs are not safe...

[med672]

Is this Fox News?

[100percentrekkie]

He doesn't look very bitter and vengeful to ME....

[Ih8hippies4eva]

This doesn't sound good. It'll be ancient Japan all over again!!

[Eldritchfan]

Mmmm....crab stew.....

[dhebiii]

HAAAH jeff g

[SuperAsianRedneck]

Attack it's weak point for massive damage.

[ktpennybags1]

There's going to be a lot of flash photography. Im sure the crabs will love the attention.

Hahahahaha

[piepiepie75YT]

That's a smart crab!

[thomashester2]

I wonder how they taste. yummmmmm

[TheBenman999]

Imagine the rising number of seafood restaurants!

[ubermonkey120]

Kill some of them and cook em up,no more world hunger,free fancy food for all

[bullsfan92992]

it wouldn't be a problem,  just attack it's weak point for massive damage

[iwannabepresident]

GIANT MARVALES CRABS!!!1!!!1!!

[7th75thCallaghan]

@iwannabepresident You aren't going to make president.

[StreetDoggydog1995]

i think this is real i found one in my boxers i think

[adam95s]

Giant enemy crabs.

[FrankieTheFailBoat]

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIDGE RACER!

[W385TER96]

I saw the video game one a though they were just retarded. But now I realise it's a skit. Hopefully, that or the're all on meth seeing giant fucking crabs!

[HisFaithful10]

"He went on to give us giant, marvelous crabs!"

HAHA

[rorag111]

I for one welcome our new crustacean overlords

[miteyboosh23]

@rorag111 I see what you did there.

[nowwhat87]

1:50 Life..uh, uh, uh, finds a way.

[OmnislashV6]

wtf? thats the green goblin xD

[Athils]

I like how the panelists almost always unanimously agree with each other on every issue. Just like most of those political discussion shows IRL.

[ISNIICE]

Just attack its weakpoint for massive damage.

[JoshJamesification]

@ISNIICE RRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID­DDDDDDDDDDDDDDGGGGGGGGGGGGGEEE­EEEEEEE RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCC­CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEEE­EEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!­!!!!!!!!!!!!

[peoman2]

If you asked if this was real, please kill yourself. Thanks.

[furryfan420]

its real

[apocalosandjroz]

hsahahahahahahaha la tontada

[Xxd3cayxX]

Is this real?

[therearenine]

@Xxd3cayxX Yes, yes it is.

[KeyJ12]

@Xxd3cayxX why would you even ask that of course its real

[Sevenfold120]

Well this isnt really impossible because Crabs use to be (before the dinosaurs) as tall as Elephants I think... same with Scorpions.

[rjones6801]

crabpeople

[mumble813]

1:50 Jeff Goldblum

[SonounMancini]

It started with Crabs..

Oblivion fortold of their evolution, the mudcrabs..

NOW GIANT CRABS!?

[Totema1]

They better have a weak point.

[Meanmachinesupreme]

sigh why are all the giant enemy crab comments being removed

[megalink909]

GIANT ENEMY CRAB

[dragonamt]

He went on to give us all giant crabs :-)

[xxembrassemoixx]

@mrapter7 Jeff goldblum

[mrapter7]

LOL ITS THAT DUDE FROM INDEPENDECE DAY....anyone know who im talking about?

[thebig00JEW]

Sorry guys, I thought if i took off my boxers for a while it would be alright...my bad.

[Arkenarge]

HIT THEM IN THEIR WEAK SPOT FOR MASSIVE DAMAGE!

[eliteshadow1980]

Im sure the crabs will love all that attention haha

[D3THFAN]

Is this real?

[dafish665]

dude.... there are no 70 foot tall crabs

[tinalinlina]

@dafish665 but there are 75 foot ones.

[shark55580]

@D3THFAN o man i hope for your sake youre kidding lol

[DamnYourReallyUgly]

I feel more informed though the onion than that mainstream media- such as

Fox, Abc, Nbc, Pbs, Npr, ect.

Good to know the free press still exists.

[metallicatilldeathhh]

We are crab people, look like crabs, talk like people.

[TheSevenCamels]

2:28 'I'm sure the craps are going to love all that attention'

[TheGreaterGood80]

Why do I have the feeling that giant genetically engineered crabs would probably have much less of a chance at fucking up this country than humans?

[Frylockjamrock]

thats smart, we need them for our farms

[BISlover544]

All the major news networks should just air ONN on April Fools day.

[JaviXNovaX]

come on Jeef goldblum! What could go wrong?

[yamunaperara]

I wish to thank you so much in your help in this matte busizz4me.info

[CrimsonAura]

Giant marvelous crabs.

[zikten]

I wonder how these people can do a whole take without laughing.

[ForgottenOnex]

this is just like xmen and the Sentinels.

[Veggieburger802]

Idiots... all they have to do is attack their weak points for massive damage. It's not that hard.

[ROTFLxLAWL]

Few, I was so worried about those crabs! I'm glad onion news always gives me reliable, and accurate news!

[DoubleGlog]

I would think that they would revitalise the seafood industry.

[briggsotisdallas]

this is clearly real

[BloodJunkieFireFly]

Hahahah the doubting scientist is a picture of jeff goldblum!

[jeremyhillaryboobphd]

there's going to be alot of flash photography LOL

[EltonvonCthulhu]

2:34 I thought it said "fairy" hostage at first (which would have made for a better report, in my opinion).

[WithCompany]

Willem Dafoe vs. Jeff Goldblum? I would definitely love to see that... X-D

[elkor101]

is this taken from a movie?

[SnatchKing]

"Yes, the unveiling of the Queen Crab will be filmed in a documentary called Cloverfield."

[philosophermike]

R.I.P Leslie Hillerman

[Kr4zi4ur0mg]

LOL "these nay sayers."

[Itrytotestify]

What a relief!

[weirdkid1970]

hha jeff goldblum

[jtbowman421]

OMG! Like the guardian Zerg units from the original Starcraft!!!!!!!

[ThefirstDrInsane2U]

he was never a very good host anyway

[MrSafetymeeting]

I have giant crabs.

[mmapp80]

@xchickenmanx

giant enemy crab attack its weak point for massive damage

[Dendroaspisviridis1]

rofl

[Adiorocks949]

Why are we talking about these crabs when everyone knows the real threat are the god damn water buffalo?!

[DrThunder88]

Clearly these crabs are a threat to America's labor force. Why give a man an honest salary and benefits for building a bridge when you can spend the same amount on a giant crab that will do 10 times the work 10 times as quickly?

I was about to go back and see if the scientist was Willem Dafoe, but I realized it probably was when I saw Jeff Goldblum.

[PSonak]

@DrThunder88

While you raise good points, you are ignoring the jobs that the giant crabs will create. Someone will have to breed, train and care for these crabs. Someone will have to manufacture the food and cages. Someone will have to transport and and provide veterinarian services too.

[gonzojournalists]

@DrThunder88 These crabs must be stopped forthwith!

[blahblahblahblah2933]

OMG, I was in NYC a few days ago and saw some of these crabs. They're really neat, and I for one welcome our new decapodian overlords!

[coffe15211]

@blahblahblahblah2933 all glory to the supreme crab overlords!

[MrLittletomdj]

@blahblahblahblah2933 Fantastic! One of the few people in the world that know that crabs have 10 legs rather than 8. I give you respect, I have been rediculed many times for stating this fact! Although some would argue they have as many as 16 legs!!!!! =O .. what a truly fascinating subject.... or maybe not...

[Krizpyy]

Crabpeople :o

[goatbut29]

'Farty hostage released from captivity', yeah you think?! Love The Onion!

[EnzyteBob117]

prepare for... CRAB BATTLES!

[Poeticnuisance]

People believe in Jesus, so... Why the hell not?

[stgm]

@Poeticnuisance Ha ha, you TELL THOSE ignorant SHEEPLE bro! Shatter their stupid world view of an invisible sky wizard bro!!! Want to touch dicks with each other because we're so damn awesome?

[Poeticnuisance]

@stgm I don't have one of those, being female and all that... I'm sure somebody in this thread might be interested though.